Wednesday, January 02, 2008

The Prankster's art

A correspondent asks me whether I’m keen on practical jokes. I reply that I enjoy a harmless prank as much as the next ape, but keeping them innocuous is no easy matter in the wild. I recall the case of an infant gorilla who put a live frog inside his sleeping mother’s mouth. She was so shocked when the croaking awoke her that she swallowed the amphibian whole. It must have hopped about inside in her belly for a good five minutes before expiring. It sounds amusing, but what if the frog had been poisonous? The wrong sort of caper can be deadly in the jungle.

There were far more opportunities for this sort of thing in the circus. I remember a trick we played on an acrobat – a pretty girl who looked in the mirror a lot. We were watching a home movie of a recent show when she fell asleep in her chair. “Must have had a late night,” someone said. One of the clowns got a felt pen and was about to draw something on her face when I grabbed his wrist.

“What are you going to draw?” I asked softly

“A Hitler moustache,” he whispered in reply.

I immediately thought this was a bad idea. Who really wants to see a woman who looks like Hitler? Not even Hitler himself, I should imagine. Eva Braun might have, but she was a kinky mare. More to the point, there is a dearth of good quips to toss at a girl with a Hitler moustache. Asking her if she’s going to make Rommel commander of the Africa Korps is not particularly funny and tends to give the game away.

“I’ve got a better idea,” I said, taking the pen from the clown. With a few delicate strokes, I drew some very fetching cat’s whiskers on her face.

She woke up a little later and yawned with her hand over her mouth.

“How long have I been asleep?” she asked. “God, I must look awful!”

Sensing that a trip to the bathroom was imminent, I made eye contact with the clowns to signal that the wisecracks should commence without delay.

“Nonsense!” said one of them to her. “You look like an absolute sex kitten!”

“Thanks,” she said beaming, while everyone else smirked.

“Can I get you something to drink?” another clown asked her. “Tea, coffee…saucer of milk?”

Everyone laughed liked mad. After asking what the hell was going on, she went to the bathroom and found out for herself. I am pleased to say that she took the joke in good spirit, perhaps because she did look rather cute with those whiskers.

Now this was a genuinely harmless prank with no ill consequences, but many others have not been so benign. A sure sign that a joke has got out of hand is when someone calls the police. This is what happened when a 17-year-old girl in New Zealand sent lewd text messages to a 31-year-old man, promising him unspeakable debaucheries if he presented himself at a certain address. To speed things along, she advised him to strip naked when he got to the front door. He did as she suggested and rang the doorbell. The person who answered was not the girl, nor anyone else expecting the company of a naked man. Infuriated by the nude intruder, the householder called the police, who arrested both the man and the girl.

The moral of the story is that a good practical joke requires careful forethought. The Kiwi girl was clearly inexperienced and didn’t think through the consequences of sending a naked sex maniac into someone’s front garden. The man, of course, played a big part in the debacle. Based on what happened, I would describe him as a village idiot seeking promotion to the rank of moron. If you’re going to hoax people, you should choose your targets carefully. There’s not much kudos in making an arse look like an arse.

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What a champion doofus. What a white bottom. What a remarkable picture on the wall behind him.
honestly, i'm not a huge fan of the practical joke. also don't much care for being surprised. guess that makes me a party pooper.
Ooohhh...!!! LOL! This is really funny....hehehehehhe :-)

sometimes i miss new zealand

but this is not one of those times

happy new year by the way :-)
That report says the young lady was charged for misusing a phone. Who amongst us has not misused a phone? Oh ... just me then?

:-p x
Pranks come and go, but I prefer the classics. Give me whoopee cushion and a dribble glass any day.
Hey Monkey,
You visited my blog and being an upright curious type I decided to WALK (that's right, walk) over to your site.

I've only read your first post and this one....are you no longer affecting the Gorilla persona. Or are you really, really a Gorilla.

Funny stuff...will definately return to catch up on the missed posts. Thanks for visiting me.

Toronto, Canada
Sam: And what good attention to detail you have! Is the white bum an argument in favour of the male G-string?

Liv: I won't ever play a trick on you Liv, not even on April 1st.

Eve: What do you have to say about the man's white bottom?

NurseMyra: Happy New Year to you, Nursie.

Randall: I love the whoopee cushion too! I sit on one when I'm about to fart.

Zap: I'm still a gorilla, Zap, even though I've lived among humans for a long time. You are new here, so I'll forgive your scepticism.
You're right about practical jokes: they can be wonderful, but getting them right takes some skill. Painting whiskers on a sleeping girl is a good one: painless and unhumiliating.

I have a real fondness for whoopee cushions too, and don't mind sitting on them. When I do, I immediately hold up the offending cushion and announce loudly to all present what has happened. In fact, after reading your comment to Randall, perhaps I'll start carrying one around with me.
Unless they're trying out for American Idol. I love laughing at those jackasses from the comfort of my living space.
I would describe him as a village idiot seeking promotion to the rank of moron
Amazing what the power of pussy will make men do, eh? Also, let's not be too harsh on him, at the point where he knocked on the door sans clothes all the blood had left his brain and had rushed to his third leg.
A sad illustration of the dire consequences of lack of Topiary.

I blame it on the sofa. ;)
Ive never really liked practical jokes. I have too much empathy for the embarrassment of the other person and feel their pain. I did smile at some of the episodes of Candid Camera and Game for a Laugh in the past but I find it hard to overcome my basic distaste at the premise of wanting to make someone else look foolish. Sorry, another party pooper Im afraid.
I rarely play practical jokes anymore because most of the people around me wouldn't be able to take one very well. That, and the fear of repercussion.
Mary: The best ones make the victim laugh as well. It's possible with the right idea.

Kara: I think you'd have been good in the role of the householder who called the cops.

Emma: I'd like to know exactly what she said to him on the phone.

Ms T Cow: I see you're a woman with a one-track mind!

Aku: The sofa? Is what what made him so horny? Must have been a good one.

Mrs Cake: Confronting people with eccentric behaviour is much funnier than humiliating them.

Native Minnow: I assume you're not including your brother in 'most people'.
Haha, I am so immature, I still do the "Kick Me" or "I'm with H.I.V" signs while patting someone on the back.
I'm not above a practical joke as long as the person pulling it is smart enough to do it right.

And honestly, what was Ass Boy thinking in listening to anonymous text messages? Does he wear a tin hat too?
Olga passed the evil on to me and I'm giving it to you. Consider yourself tagged. See my Son of a Bitch post for more information.
Trust you to show perfect taste in your practical japes. If only there was a way to stop the lewd messages I get every day. If I never heard the p word again it would be too soon.
Not usually a fan of practical jokes especially if I'm on the receiving end of them. But I enjoy a good laugh. At the expense of others. Naturally.:P

Good choice of last line about making 'an arse look like an arse' coupled with the photo. I thought that was another arse holding his own in the background, alas they were merely balls.
Hmmm...*peers closely at the screen*
It's white. By that, I mean.. he's not the same colour all over... Hehehe... the basketball pic in the background is eminently suitable for the scene... perhaps that was why the girl chose the location she did? :-)
What a funny tale your first para was, GB & honestly, where do you get your pictures? :-)
Happy new year GB, i also thing Eva Braun was a kinky mare! Ha ra for Kinky mares!
Upset Waitress: I'd like to learn those signs!

Kate: The kindest explanation is that he was maddened by lust, as Emma said.

Pi: People send you lewd messages? How disgraceful!

Bemused: Welcome, Miss. Something tells me you know a good posterior when you see one. Your blog, in fact.

Eve: Do you like a man's behind to be that colour then? It's not a cause for shame if you do.

Suzan: Glad to have amused you, Suzy. The pictures are freely available from a well-known source.

Approximately: Hah-rah and a Happy New Year to you! Are you Osvaldo speaking on behalf of the whole team?
Hahaha...! I don't know... never thought about it :-) hehehhe... I know! I'm no colourist, so any colour should be alright *as long as it's not purple* ;-)
What Have I told you about looking at mens bottoms online? (=:

I'm no colourist, so any colour should be alright *as long as it's not purple*

Mr Bananas has a black hairy one so it should be OK for you to view his.
Mr Bananas , will you post a photo?
Or maybe one of those course Baboon bottoms.
Hiya GB! Trust you had an enjoyable festive season. Thoroughly enjoyed the last few posts, good to see all that Christmas fare hasn't slowed you down any.
Meow Meow... i tend to question the whole circus thing. But if you say it is so....

I agree. I photo is needed asap!
Don't go on a Rugby Tour. I fell asleep in a bar in Spain and woke to find that I had had the contents of a catering tub of cream lovingly crafted into a fetching hairdo.
I really don't think we should be bashing this poor soul. After all, he has a hot body (see above, I mean am I the only one who thinks so?)and.. what sex mad male wouldn't crawl through the dirt for a chance to bump uglies with a 17 year old lolita. Am I wrong?
It really upsets my blogging when I come over to a blog and see it's really professional. How come a hairy gorilla can write like this? Is it a practical joke?
Eve: That's a very healthy attitude, Eve, but I think you should check out your fiancé's butt before tying the knot.

Hitch: A gorilla's skin is actually rather pale - it's the fur that makes us look dark. Ebony-butted African men seem to be popular with the ladies, so you better spend some time under the sun lamp, Hitchy.

Zuba: Good to hear from you! You're recovering well, I trust?

Jahooni: I gave you a picture of the girl with whiskers, ma'am. D'you want the hair off my butt as well?

Birdwatcher: Rugby players are famous for it, aren't they? I wonder why No Good Boyo never talks about rugby? It must be shame.

Boudica: I agree about forgiving the girl, ma'am, but I fear the man in the picture may not be the one referred to in the text.

Tom909: Thank you kindly, Sir. I learned everything I know about writing from humans. So by appreciating this blog you are really appreciating yourself. Which is good.
Yes i am speaking on behalf of the team, i have high hopes that they will find there rhythm this year, maybe, with any luck, if theres a full moon.
so you better spend some time under the sun lamp, Hitchy.

thats where its been this afternoon
It must have given him a few cement burns being captured like that by the fuzz. I expect he will be red raw for a few days.

Has to be said, it's pretty funny, even if the poor householder will never open the door to the Avon lady ever again just in case!
Butt hair would be swell... ;-)

We all just want a piece of you. I heard Gorillas taste rather well.
Mr Bananas, I am all for practical jokes provided they do not humniliate anybody. I once read of the apparent theft of a garden gnome. He was called "Jack" and lived on the front lawn of a bungalow in some harmless English suburb. The owners, having come to terms with his loss, were surprised to receive a postcard from France signed "Jack". The message informed them that he was well; he apologized for his abrupt departure, and said he had decided to see the world.

The next card came from Bulgaria, the next from Greece, Albania, Yugoslavia (as was), and so eastward to China. A gap in his correspondence gave rise to concern for his welfare. Then a card arrived from San Francisco; another from the Grand Canyon, Dallas, New Orleans, and so up the eastern seaboard of the United States. At the Statue of Liberty Jack's photo was taken by a kind tourist and sent in a letter.

About ten months after his departure, he suddenly reappeared one morning, exactly in his old place in the front garden.

His face had been repainted in a slightly darker, sun-tanned hue. Otherwise he was entirely undamaged and unharmed by his adventure.

The police suspected an airline employee was responsible, but the culprit was never found.
The naked idiot may have simply been acting like any male. Remember the ancient warning that a man doesn’t have enough blood in his system to supply both his brain and his penis at the same time.
As usual excellent advice Mr Bananas. I shall eschew as ever all forms of practical jokes. Had you thought of publishing your wisdom as a form of almanac? A sort of how to guide to modern life?
Wise words saintly nick

others are

A standing penis has no consciense
Hello there, don't know how you came to drop by my blog, but I'm so pleased you did. Being nosey I read "why this blog"? What a wonderful reason, mankind needs all the help it can muster-up to help it smile again.
I for one love a good joke there is nothing better than belly ache from a good giggle. Yet to achieve this by someone else's demise, takes away all the humor. It is a artful craft and treasure, when people in our life's have this gift to entertain us.
Saying that, I not sure if finding a naked man at my door, wouldn't have created a bit of a smirk about my face WHOOPS! there goes my reputation.
I see that my friend Nick encapsulated what I'm trying to say in far less words (isn't he a saint)?
Sorry I've wrote you a book, sad that you have visited my blog when all I'm doing at the moment is Friday 55s, but if you don't mind I will certainly be back to visit you.
Approximately: Good luck with it - and keep it unpredictable!

Hitch: Does this mean the Hitch G-string is coming out of the closet?

Mermaid: I hope you take a baseball bat with you when you answer the door, Mermaid.

Jahooni: We taste of small insects! They're an acquired taste for humans!

Dennis: A most excellent prank, which I may have heard of before. I admire the planning and hard work that went into it.

Saintly Nick: I think his mistake was to start salivating before the food was on the table.

Mutley: Practical jokes are fine as long as they are tasteful and harmless. If you are incapable of making them so (?), by all means avoid them.

Queenie: Welcome Queenie, you're sexy. Try letting your hair down. Any naked man who dared knock on your door should be placed in stocks. I loved your Friday 55 about 'Mother Nightie' and you'll always be welcome here.
Gorilla I am supremely happy to have found your bananas. How delightful! No wonder the practical joke went phones are the most humourous of all technologies...I once sent a stray text to a gay man called Adam (at the top of my contacts) asking him to bring fresh knickers to the hospital. He declined strangely enough. Men normally leap at such tasks.
Man, baboons have nicer butts than that guy does.
HNY. I happened to stumble across this BTW and thought by golly that may be of interest to GB.
Natalia: Hey there, lady, nice to see you here. I don't know what Adam's problem was. Maybe you should have offered him your soiled knickers in exchange.

Freelance: Hi, Freelance. I'll take your word for it!

DH: I think the gorilla mistook the tourist he collared for Reinhard Heydrich. There's quite a resemblance.
I once fell asleep on a houseboat with a bunch of mates. Probably a more accurate description would be to say that I lapsed into unconsciousness after consuming 10 too many cocktails. Anyway, while I was "asleep" my good mates decided to hitch my knickers up my arse and lodged a stick of celery between the top of my thighs. I couldn't understand why they were calling me "Celery Queen" until I saw the photos. I laughed harder than anyone. I think that makes me a moron.
"I think that makes me a moron."

No , it makes you a salad.
I like the 'hitch up your knickers' manoeuvre best, Gypsy. I'm surprised The Hitch didn't notice it.
YaY! I recall drawing whiskers on my future wife's visage! She wasn't asleep, but we had been out drinking (her youngest brother and myself) and we held her down to do it!

So hilarious! She didn't think so though and shaved my eyebrows off while I was asleep. Feck.
Hell hath no fury like a women penned.
Do you have any more pics of the girl in the top image? I think I'm in lust.
I have the same picture with the bottom half uncropped. The answer is 'No'.
Yes that is a very white arse! Hopefully it got tanned a bit while he was laying out there :p
Dang nabbit.


*goes looking for other pr0n*
The other moral of this story is that if you are going to scribble on a girl's face, make her look like a cat.

If you found Hitler asleep, what would you draw on his face? It wouldn't make much sense to do a 'tashe.
If I found Hitler asleep, I would draw a willy with one testicle on his face. And then, if I were feeling generous, shoot him before he awoke.
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