Friday, January 25, 2008

Poles apart

I’m putting the finishing touches on a letter to the president of Poland. Here’s what I’ve written so far:

Dear Mr President

A great statesman forgives those who insult him. Julius Caesar spared the wag who mocked his baldness. W.E. Gladstone pitied the prostitute who showed him her knickers. The Nawab of Pataudi laughed at the elephant who farted in his face.

I implore you to join the ranks of these titans of history by pardoning Marek W, the penitent young man who languishes in prison for a thoughtless prank at the expense of your webpage.

Your respectful petitioner

G. Bananas
Republic of Congo

I did consider adding a postscript to the effect that my friend Dr Whipsnade has hired some builders who worked on your summer retreat and we know about the toys in your bedroom, you kinky swine. But I decided against it. Blackmail should be a last resort when you’re dealing with politicians – always give the man a chance to be magnanimous and do the right thing before bringing out the heavy guns.

Now what did this fellow Marek W do? Basically, he
linked the president’s homepage to a whole bunch of sites with the Polish word for “cock” in them. The result was that anyone who googled this word found the president’s site at the top of the list. This practice, known as “google-bombing”, seems to be a way of insinuating guilt by association. But if the intention was to make a joke, I’m pretty sure that it bombed.

The problem with the concept is that people who put dirty words into search engines are rarely interested in humour. Hundreds, if not thousands, enter this blog by googling phrases such as “crazy ape sex” and “women who seduce gorillas”. Are they interested in the jokes they find? Are they heck! Virtually all of them leave after a few minutes of futile clicking, presumably in a state of heightened frustration.

People who google the word “cock” have no interest in political satire, even of the most vulgar sort. The appearance of the president’s website probably irritated rather than amused them. No serious political damage would have been done, even if they’d entered the site in the hope of finding a few dicky pictures. There are worse things for a head of state than having his webpage scrutinised by someone with a penile fixation. Sitting next to such a person at a state banquet, for example, which would be risky without a bodyguard.

It must have been a terrible shock for Marek (aged 23) to find himself in jail as a result of this ineffectual lampoon. Experiences like this can destroy a young man’s confidence and propel him towards a career in the Roman Catholic clergy. I should imagine the prison chaplain is already prodding him in that direction and discussing the fringe benefits. It can’t be long before a deacon comes round to measure him up for the holy vestments. They’re entitled to recruit who they want, of course, but taking advantage of a vulnerable practical joker strikes me as manipulative and short-sighted. What will happen when he meets the Pope in full gear and gets the giggles?

I’m going to ask Dr Whipsnade to arrange a prison visit from a pair of famous comedians. They could inform Marek of our campaign on his behalf and encourage him to keep working on his comedy. Jackie Mason and Bruce Forsyth might be the perfect duo to perk him up. They’ve both told many jokes that misfired, so they’ll sympathise with his predicament. And being Jewish, they won’t waste time trying to make him a rabbi.

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WOO HOO WOO HOOO... i am the first reader. I am the first reader. Nah nah nah nah- beat cha' Kara!
Okay, really I didn't read it yet I just wanted to be the first commentor! Ha!

Let me go read it....
How very frustrating for the poor love. Biting political satire isn't supposed to land you in jail, it's supposed to make the object feel silly! And, in this case, to heighten awareness of his 'penility'.
I refuse to believe that President Kaczynski is responsible for this. His evil twin brother recently lost the premiership, and my bet is that he's masquarading as the president when the latter's laid up after a surfeit of pork scratchings. He marches into the Secret Police HQ and demands that they arrest Marek and bring popular chanteuse Basia to his playroom.

Either that or the evil brother did the "cock" links himself out of resentment at the president's greater political success and better looks, then set up Marek as the patsy. It's Dallas all over again.

The lesson to the Poles is that they should not elect people called Kaczynski, given the poor track record of other people with that name. Or at least only elect one at a time.
I came here via a search for 'Bruce Forsythe monkey cock'

At least I have now got half of my original wishes. Now for the monkey cock, if you'd be so kind.
i know that whenever i google the word "cock", i'm regularly disappointed with how few leaders of foreign nations pop up. really, this polish boy was just doing people like me a favor. perhaps i should start a petition on his behalf. except now i have to go google "starting a petition". damn.
Some people should try laughing at themselves. It's therapeutic.
What, no gag involving the word 'bishopric'? Tsk.

I have had visitor to my page from people googling the most bizarre things - lots of times the word 'nipples' appears to be featured. Maybe I should write a post about nipples and give them what they want? x
And what is wrong with a good cock joke, I ask you? Do you have any idea how many people popped over through search to my infamous waxing the kitty post?
all publicity is good publicity. especially if it includes cock
Jahooni: You get crazier every time I hear from you.

Anna: Hello Anna! The Polish president is a bit of cockface, isn't he? (That's his picture at the top).

Mr Boyo: I'd like to get a picture of the twins kicking a football. We could call it "two cocks and one ball". I wasn't aware of the sibling rivalry, but arresting Marek was politically naive. If people think your identical twin is a cock, they'll probably think you are as well.

Lord Likely: The monkey cock was in an earlier post entitled 'Tarzan and Jane' m'Lud.

Kara: Google changed their algorithm to stop it happening again. I would rather google a politician's name and get a page with a huge cock in it. I think you should interview Marek for the Portland Enquirer.

Kitty: Some posts are too serious for puns, Kitty. I'm racking my brains for the time you wrote the word 'nipples'.

Bemused: I suspect he reacted so defensively because a lot of people think he's a cock.

Liv: I think they were hoping for pictures of your kitty, Liv.

Nursemyra: I'm going to carve that motto into my favourite tree truck.
The Polish President should be glad of the increased traffic to his site.

What he has failed to take into account is that out of the thousands of extra hits he had from people interested in cock there may have been one or two people who stopped, put thoughts of cock to one side, and rethought their views on issues in line with the policies outlined in the President's blog.

He should be thanking this chap. He may have gained a handful of (albeit cock-obsessed) extra supporters.
cor, I like the sound of google bombing!
That is the first I have heard about Brucie being Jewish! Don't look askance at him - he is one of only two men known to have slept with two Miss Worlds, the other being George Best, who claimed to have slept with three. Bruce is actually married to Miss World 1975, who is a cracking bit of stuff.

The chances of getting Jackie Mason (a former rabbi) to Poland are slim. It's not the holiday destination of choice for the discerning Hebrew. They just fly in, do Auschwitz, and fly out again. Nobody pretends to make them welcome.

The Poles make puns about the Kaczynski brothers and ducks, because the Polish word for duck is "kaczka" and the name is a derivative. I hope you're not confusing your dick and your duck.
if i sat here and thought about all of the stupid shit things i have done on the internet...well to be short about it...i am grateful not to have been in a country where that is taken seriously...oh shit i am in america...the patriot act still exists...i'm fucked!
Hmmm... he must have had a lot of free time *or have a bit of a bone to chew with that Polish president, perhaps?* But yes, no serious harm done, since as you say, 'there are worse things for a head of state than having his webpage scrutinised by someone with a penile fixation'. Hehehe
I cannot find out the Polish word for cock, but the Russian would be rendered out of cyrillic as "trubku" as in "kurite moju trubku"! Maybe you could use this phrase as a tag?
In fairness, the guy in the picture does look a bit of a cock. And throwing someone with a sense of humour in jail for a harmless prank has kind of confirmed that he *is*.
Misssy: There would have to be some very persuasive (I almost wrote "seductive") political arguments in the site. But you've got a point and we'll use it our campaign.

Peach: That's because you're a naughty woman!

Lady Daphne: You didn't know Brucie was kosher? He never made a secret of it. Unlike George Best, he had to marry his Miss Worlds to bed them.

Daisy: You must confess your misdeeds to us! And not just the internet ones! The patriot act does not apply to sexual misconduct.

Eve: Yes, the president surely gets on Marek's tits. I'm sure you'll make a good job of the penile disorders you'll treat when you're a doctor!

Mutley: The Polish word he used was "kutas", it's in the link. I'm surprised that "moju" is a Russian word.

Mosher: That's just what I thought. Some men have cock written all over their faces. His face wouldn't look out of place on a condom.
i am taking that remark as a comment! this time i'll let you slide...
I recall another instance, where searching for Weapons of Mass Destruction used to lead to George W. Bush's biography.

I'll bet Polish cartoonists have a blast with a guy like that for president. Boy oh boy, what they would do to have him in America -- not that what we have now isn't choice stuff for lampooning, of course, but that chubbily florid, cherubic little face! Those wobbly jowls, and that fat, round chin! I wonder: Could I get away with pointing that out if I were a Pole?
All this talk about cock makes me crave chicken and now I need to google cock.
I think one of my friends' extremely funny blog could be accessed with the searchwords "Jodhpur Heaven Fetish".

And surprisingly, there was no such thing in the bleddy blog. She never even went to Jodhpur.
Kutas to Mark. Haha
The Prez. of Poland. Must have "greased a few Poles".
i was raised catholic and learned in the years i have been on this planet that confession is not good for your soul, only for the soul laughing at i will keep my misgivings where they are...thanks for the invite to share sexual misconduct i am not so worried least it is honest and real...isn't it?
I saw Norman Wisdom on a TV show last week ...apropos of nothing really...
Jahooni: What a relief!

Sidhu: I've never tried that one.

Mary: And he has a twin brother who looks just the same!

Beenzzz: A good meaty cock can satisfy the appetite of most women.

Panu: Maybe one of her comments mentioned the Jodhpur Heaven Fetish. It sounds like a well-known thing.

Upset Waitress: It's almost a compliment in English!

Tarf: As did Hitler and Stalin.

Daisy: That's fine, I didn't really want you to kiss and tell. It's more fun imagining anyway!

Mutley: A fine comic in his day, but too old for a trip to Poland now.
Gorilla, Mutley,

"kurite moju trubku" literally means "smoke my pipe (polite form)", and is a Muscovite calque of the French invitation to fellatio. The Russian word you seek is "khuy", which is also available in Polish under "chuj".

I would suggest that a Russian would call Kaczynski a "mudak", an untranslated word best explained by providing a list of people to whom it could be applied.
GB- I was referring to a different pole lower down.
er maybe.

Butt seriously, Heaven Fetish??
My question is, what cock-Googler actually reported this incident? Was it a member of staff doing some "reasearch?"
Politicians aren't reknowned for their ability to appreciate satire. I'm guessing this joke was just a little too close to the bone.
I have googled 'crazy ape sex' before now, yet I appreciate your good humour.

Sexual fixation is not necessarily a pre-cursor to humourlessness.

Unless you are a polish president. of course.

This is a sad story.
Kitty, he may have disregarded a bishopric joke in favour of "prodding".


I thought he inserted it beautifully. The prodding that is.
Ironic that by putting Marek W in jail, the president actually proves his(Marek's) point.
Mr Boyo: No need to ask what "inhale the smoke" means then. This might explain why you don't see many Russian pipe-smokers on TV.

Tarf: Is that what he was greasing? I assume it was a hobby rather than a duty of office.

Panu: If you're going to have a fetish, you may as well aim high.

Kate: It might have been the president himself. Cock-googling your own site is a form of masturbation.

Kara: Your link don't work, Missy.

Kyknoord: He was just too cocky for the president.

Mosha: Why thank you. But not many humans want to hear jokes when they've got sex on their mind.

Sam: Thanks Sam! These double-entendres seem to pop out unexpectedly.

Wei Chiang: I don't think it was he who ordered the arrest, but he's still a right dickhead.
Remind me to never cock-bomb a powerful East European leader.
I bet Poland gets a LOT more aid from the U. S. of A. now.
Jail?!! Seriously?? Jail?!!!

What is wrong with people?!!

Then he really shouldn't join the catholic church cos they certainly are incapable of laughing at themselves!!
well fuck.

look like it's copy and paste for you then:
Your post led me to investigate the kind of searchwords bringing people onto my blog...and now I'm going to post about it! Thanks :-)
On durgs: A wise policy. Some of them may be secretly nostalgic for the communist days.

Tor: Yep, those google-bombs don't come cheap.

Sabrina: I hope he won't join, but inmates can do strange things when they meet the prison chaplain.

Kara: Haha! I detect a Monty Python influence in that film. I think an older generation of Americans would have just called them 'bums'.

Joanne: You're welcome! I'm always glad to be a fount of ideas for my fellow bloggers.
I met that bruce forsyth once. Remembered my late uncle, he did, which was nice of him. My uncle used to be chief electrician in the West End theatres. nice to think that old Brucey actually remembered people who were not celebs.

coming onto the polish prime minister, as I often do, I must ask - in that photo, is he leaning over to let out a cheeky fart?

I think we should be told. Such things are not permitted in Mermedonia, and not in the Jungle either, I should think.
I'm impressed, Mermaid! Did Brucie call you "my love"? If I were Bruce Forsyth, I would have called you "my love". The Polish PM might well be farting. He's really a fart in human form, if you think about it.
No, he's actually slightly deaf, which means you have to shout. That kind of head-turning thing he does in his "comic routines" is actually partly to do with him trying to work out what the other person has said.
In Serbo-Croat it would (possibly) render as "kurac" - as opposed to the more sweetly feminine "govedo" which I think in Russian might be "pizda"?
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