Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Exotic species

Isn’t Davy Attenborough wonderful? I’m not just saying so because he makes us laugh by mimicking our grunts. There’s a lot more to life than being funny. We gorillas have always admired the righteous human who does good deeds and stands serene in the shadow of the hippopotamus. The comedian may excite our sniggers, but we only suck our teeth in reverence for the Gandhis, the Christs and the Spielbergs. “Blessed are the do-gooders for they shall be done good,” as we say in the jungle.

Anyway, Davy got in touch with me a few weeks ago with a revolutionary idea. He said that although many humans were eager to see their ape cousins in the wild, few had the time or the cash to visit us in the Mother Continent. So he proposed installing webcams in the favourite jungle haunts of me and my tribe. People could then watch us live, in the comfort of their homes, instead of paying a fortune to wade through the undergrowth while being molested by creepy crawlies. He envisaged a kind of wildlife reality TV show – more Hairy Cousin than Big Brother.

“Davy,” I replied, “if anyone else had thought of this, I would have said it was a stroke of genius. As you yourself have done so, I will describe it merely as brilliant. Unfortunately it won’t work. Our corner of the jungle, you see, is like Los Angeles. Every simian in the neighbourhood would play up to the cameras in the hope of catching the eye of a movie producer. The chimpanzees would tap dance and do slapstick. The gorillas would put on costumes and imitate famous Dickensian characters – Mr Pickwick in his waistcoat, Scrooge in his nightgown, Miss Havisham in her wedding dress. What you’ll end up with is a jungle talent show rather than a wildlife documentary.”

I might have added that the baboons, being spoilers by nature, would moon and flash in front of the cameras, possibly exhibiting their infamous “handpump the hornpipe” spectacle. But there was no need to dirty Davy’s ears with such sordid possibilities. He saw straight away that there was little point in a Nature programme featuring animals with show business ambitions. He said he’d try pitching his idea in other parts of the globe, and I’m delighted to report that it has
proved to be a goer in the rainforests of Ecuador. Incredibly, it is hoped that human couch potatoes might actually discover new species by obsessively ogling their laptops.

When I say “new species”, I mean new to humanity of course. The mysterious little critters of the Amazonian jungle are certainly well-known to themselves and their neighbours on the food chain. I sometimes think there are new species of human that have yet to be discovered by apes. I get this feeling whenever I see Björk, the pixie pop-star from Iceland. Although not unpleasant in appearance, she does seem to be part elf or something. Her voice evokes the image of a 5-year-old girl singing a lullaby to her Teddy Bear. After listening for a few minutes, I want to tuck her up in bed and switch off the lights.

Björk has recently been
in the news for tearing the shirt off a man who took her picture against her wishes. A British tourist at the safari camp blamed the incident on the vanity of celebrities. They were so used to having their pictures touched up, he said, that they couldn’t bear to be photographed as they really were. To prove his point, he showed me two recent photos of the English model Twiggy. The first, which was used in an advertising campaign, was of a good-looking blond woman. The second, which was taken secretly in a shop, was of a frightful old belter. Case proven, he seemed to think.

I was far from convinced by his theory. Björk may be a funny-looking imp, but her natural features have not degraded to a condition that would require her to choose between digital prettification or a paper bag over the head. I interpreted her reaction to the paparazzo as that of a territorial primate whose privacy had been violated by an uppity intruder.

“The photographer should think himself lucky that he was not snapping a gorilla,” I informed the tourist loftily, “for then he would have lost not only shirt, but vest, trousers and briefs as well!”

That was telling him.

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Is that an Action-Bjork figurine? Or is her face just sort of melty these days?
Is bjork melting? Why doesn't David Attenborough look older than 60? He is nearer 90 now... The world is a strange place.
If I were to go live in the jungle, I wonder which species would take me in? Baboons perhaps or maybe the Gorillas, hymnn...
And I say this to your Friend: US AMERICANS NEED NO MORE REALITY TV SHOWS!!! No-More Please.
oh, i do think bjork might be melting. if she is, this might explain her aggressive behavior. or maybe she was plastic all along and global warming is getting to her.
i have another youtube link for you then! turns out she's attacked reporters before...and once it was caught on tape. let me tell you, this video provided a good half hour of chuckles at the office. i love me some bjork:

and give me comedy over good deeds and serenity any day. shoot.
> Incredibly, it is hoped that human couch potatoes might actually discover new species by obsessively ogling their laptops.
Oh, that is a GOOD hope! LOL!

> Her voice evokes the image of a 5-year-old girl singing a lullaby to her Teddy Bear. After listening for a few minutes, I want to tuck her up in bed and switch off the lights.
*laughing* I like the sound of that. Not sure if that's meant to be a compliment, and whether she'd take it as such, but it DOES sound sweet.... LOL! *Grins*
It's daunting to come here only to realize that a gorilla types better than me!

Who taught you, Davey?
You don't mind if I pinch a banana do you?
Maybe Björk was afraid the photographer was trying to steal her soul. She needn't worry, of course - it's perfectly safe (I bought it on eBay last year).
Cat: Too much face paint, Cathy. Isn't she in your part of the world right now?

Mr Gaskins: Welcome Sir. Davy looks young because he has a clean conscience, having led a virtuous life.

Jahooni: Baboons!! How could you even think of baboons after your experience on the highway! Hang out with us gorillas, baby.

Liv: Well she's used to cool weather in Iceland, but she's pretty fiery inside.

Kara: What a little tigress she is! I think she needs a good cuddle. When you are older, Missy, you will appreciate men of virtue like Davy.

Eve: I think she needs a Daddy figure in her life.

Ms Ubermouth: Take all the bananas you need, Miss. I was taught how to type by Mrs Woody Woodpecker.

Kyknoord: You have Bjork's soul? I should keep it in a bottle to avoid having your hair pulled.
go bjork!

and her husband's welcome at my place anytime too

Show me your cremaster :-)
Have you ever punched a pap? Also do you get many instances of happy slapping in the jungle?
Let's face it, Bjork's just an ugly, talentless little witch who should be ignored in the hope she goes away.


In the meantime I'd settle for video of her being ripped apart by some gorillas with good musical taste.
I'm not sure the 'Princess Leia' thing that Bjork has going on in that picture is a good idea. Princess Leia, though also a feisty madam, would never stoop so low as to attack a paparazzi from behind. She'd get him to turn round and do it to his face. x
I make the sound bjork when I am sick. Do you think I may have a future in the music business?
This is why the first season of Big Brother was fascinating and all the subsequent seasons were insufferable garbage.

Innocence makes for the best television, but knowing eyelash batting is just crass.

Good on you, bananas.
I might have added that the baboons, being spoilers by nature, would moon and flash in front of the cameras, possibly exhibiting their infamous “handpump the hornpipe” spectacle.

Nothing like signing on first thing at the office and being confronted with baboon porn.

Well done.

Bjork comes from Iceland. Small place. Not many people. Everyone knows everyone else. Everyone is married to everyone else. Most of them play the banjo whilst sitting on the stoop. Do i really have to spell this out?
Nursemyra: Her husband looks like a complete and utter villain!

Louche: If a gorilla punched a pap he'd never get up! Nor would we ever slap anyone just for the fun of it. There needs to be moderation in such matters.

Mosher: Do you think so? I've not studied her in sufficient detail to form a strong opinion. I'd be inclined to put a leash on her and leave it at that.

Kitty: I can't remember what Pincess Leia did, but Bjork seems to favour the impulsive lunge.

Uncle Norman: It would also depend on your stage presence and image.

Mosha: Bjork may actually be quite good in Reality TV. She seems to act impulsively rather than thinking of how she will look.

Randall: It's only porn if you form a mental picture from the words! Otherwise it's literature.

Asym42: My God, she must be related to the late Magnus Magnusson!
Her voice evokes the image of a 5-year-old girl singing a lullaby to her Teddy Bear.

Mr Gorilla, I could hug you (that's if you don't tear me to shreds, never mind my T-shirt). Best description I've read of that annoying female voice that I unfortunately endure from friends.
Ye Gods!!! Someone put a paperbag over her face already!!

Mr Bananas if i were to come visit u, would you play Scrooge in a very very sexy nightgown for me? :P
*sigh* all this bjork bashing. I know she's an acquired taste and not for everyone but I think she is amazingly inventive and has masses of artistic talent despite what others see as an annoying voice.

and Matthew Barney's Cremaster Cycle is fabulous. again, not for everyone but as visual art it's captivating.

the cremaster is also my favourite muscle :-)
Bjork is the epitome of unstudied kookiness. She embodies the kooky. She exudes kook. I do like her although it seems very strange that she and Sir Davy are of the same species. Definitely a touch of the elfin wand about her. And by that I certainly don't mean to imply anything about her father's assets.
Both Attenborough boys are gentlemen of the old school.
Modelling is a job - like any other - and as long as one is professional on the job it's nobody's business what they look like in their private life. Why do you think so many slink around in dark glasses. Half the time it isn't affectation but for protection.
And the New Zealand photographer had been requested, along with the other paparazzi not to take photos. Serves him right.
It's clear that Björk is one of Iceland's huldufólk, the untouchables of Norse society - rather like the changelings here in Wales. It is admirable that she is standing up for the rights of this literally near-invisible minority.
Bemused: Why thank you, Miss! I am indeed partial to a good firm hug!

Sabrina: Haha! Sexiness is not easy to achieve while playing Scrooge in any form of clothing, but I'll give it a try for you!

Sam: I'd quite like to see her sitting on a toadstool. I think playing the xylophone might help her relax.

Nursemyra: Yes, I've noticed it's either love 'em or hate 'em with certain celebrities.

Pi: Sadly, people are interested in such photos to see what lies behind the image.

Mr Boyo: Maybe Bjork should move to Wales and live amongst its various shy humanoids who might welcome a kindred spirit. Coincidentally, there's a Welsh blogger called Annie Rhiannon who lives in Iceland.
A friend of mine met her husband in Iceland. He claims to be a Chinese Scouser but these Icelandic gnomes will stop at nothing to ingratiate themselves into human society.

Bjork is mad as a box of biscuits. With very bad taste in men.
GB, we have quite enough of hey-nonny-nonny soi-disant musicians with bad hair moving to Wales and living in houses so damp that even we Narrow Nationalists cannot set fire to them, thank you very much.

Checked out Ms Rhiannon, who has two blogs. Very fancy. She makes alarming films. I'll offer her my party political broadcast script.
A paper bag over her head wouldn't help.

Just seem like a scene from the old reality TV Show " The Gong Show".

Isn't Davey- looking well for his age. He must be well pickled or pixilated.
I think it would be rather a hoot if Mr. Ape and some of his hairy brethren were to take it upon themselves to turn the tables of Attenborough, and film him while in his own natural environment.

Having said that, maybe the sight of Davy-boy grunting and straining on the toilet is not exactly televisual gold.
Gorilla Bananas,

We found that you are a crafty Ape and have been marketing food products over here in Canada under your Name " Gorilla Bananas".

Today it may only be banana waffles but tomorrow, Hair restorer perhaps.

Check out the advert on my blog and you will see for yourself.
No no no no no! no! no! no!
That's not me AT ALL! That's my friend Geoff...
I'm the guy in the grey zipup
and (in the 2nd set) in the green hoodie.

How could I butt fuck anyone if I'm training to become an honorary gorilla?!

This just proves the stereotypical (yet true) theory of how all Asians look the same.
The scariness factor of Bjork singing a lullaby is only surpassed by the circus clown who I'm sure is not welcome in Safari Park. Is her head screwed on in that picture?
Lady Daphne: That must have been her ex-husband, as her current one is American. Both are surely butt-ugly.

Mr Boyo: Ms Rhiannon commented on this site almost a year ago to tell me that I was 'cracked'. Not realising that she was Welsh, I responded by calling her a gorgeous Viking princess and offering to join her in a hot spring of her native land! What a faux pas!

Tarf: Davy looks youthful because of his active life and his clean conscience.

Lord Likely: If Davy is ever constipated, I will offer him some dietary advice and mail him a free packet of jungle suppositories to get things moving in the meantime.

Secret Agent: As you're making a funny face in your profile picture, dear boy, it's difficult to tell what you look like in everyday life.

Ms Robinson: Bjork might be a good model for a girl's doll, given that people are always complaining that Barbie is too conventional. The circus clown is a peculiar animal, but the smack of a hairy paw usually keeps him in check.
It is not widely known that Bjork lives in a house in the shape of a watering can.. maybe this is why she gets mad so easily? I shall watch the jungle web cam avidly...
Such a brilliant blog! Inspiring!
globus thinks the tottie in the attenborough pic looks promising from behind.
Its strange Mr Bananas , when I hear Bjork sing I get the urge to hit her with a shovel and throw her corpse in the sea.
I for one would like to watch a version of 'Jungle Talent' presented by Sir David to give it a little gravitas and probably Graham Norton for humour.I am not sure about Jungle Jane Austin/Dickens tho I think the gorillas need to rethink this strategy.
I have discovered some rare footage of a visit to Mr Bananas' safari park by French femme-enfant Dorothee, which explains a little his infatuation with the pugilistic pixie from Reykjavik. He is obviously not feeling himself (which begs the question, who IS he feeling?) as he did not read my comment properly. I was talking about someone else's husband altogether, you silly old simian.
Dear Gorilla Bananas - I absolutely adore David Attenborough. His programs are my favourites! You're so right; he is brilliant.
I can picture your troop hamming it up for the cameras - I too dressed up as Miss Havisham once, many years ago - but that was for Hallowe'en. Still, I know what you're saying. As for Bjork, I didn't mind her as a Sugar Cube, but some of the rigs she gets on--who can forget that swan outfit?
It's taken me a while to get here and visit you, but thanks for checking out my blog, Poetikat's. I write often about the natural (and unnatural) world - in fact just today, I posted my anniversary piece about a wayward skunk. (true story - come and see for yourself!)
Trade ya links?
That woman needs 2 paper bags. Just in case the first one falls off. jeese Gorilla.
Mutley: I never knew that. I must say you're well-informed about the woman.

Underneath: Why thank you, Sir or Madam!

Globus: She's got the English Rose complexion all right, but we lack information about her other particulars.

Beast: You must fight such urges, Beast, for they are unworthy of you. Tucking her into bed, possibly after giving her sedative, would achieve the same end.

Lady Daphne: Frenchies, the lot of them. They can feel my cannonball at Trafalgar if they want. I now see that you were talking about some nonentity rather than Bjork's husband. I beg his pardon, whoever he may be.

Kathleen: Welcome ma'am, I'm so glad that you share my admiration of Sir Davy. Bless your delightful poems! I have already linked you!

Upset Waitress: No one could ever accuse you of understatement, ma'am!
I'm devastated to hear about sweet-faced, innocent-eyed Twiggy looking like a frightful old belter. Can this really be true? Perhaps she needed just a little more fat on her to round out her features and keep her appearance more youthful. I'll be careful not to get too skinny.
Tick Tock Tick Tock! Is it Tuesday yet? ;-)
Now, Mr. Bananas, I would not reject Mr. Attenborough’s suggest too fast. I am a human who has become a fan (or, perhaps, an addict) of the TV series Orangutan Island, that follows Mr. Attenborough’s suggestion using orangutans.
Mary: Both pictures were published in a newspaper called The Daily Mail. The difference was striking.

Jahooni: I'll give you a banana when you correctly predict the day of my next post.

Saintly Nick: Those fellows love the limelight! Remember Clyde and Clint Eastwood?
Well, yes, watching them I can tell that they are really ham actors.

Are you a Silverback, Mr. B? Many years I was an adoptive parent of a Silverback at the St. Louis Zoo. He much preferred being with his family than showing off for visitors.
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