Monday, January 21, 2008
Dog Day Afternoon
The couple were showering together when he called the hound to join them, in spite of the woman’s clear warning that this would be viewed as an unfriendly act (not to say casus belli). Heaven knows what possessed the fellow. Perhaps he thought she would change her mind on seeing the animal’s eager face and long wet tongue. She didn’t, and the man ended up in hospital with a dislocated shoulder for his matchmaking efforts.
This sorry incident shows what can go wrong when a man’s best friend really is his dog. He takes the pooch bowling and buys it a beer, and before anyone can call a shrink he’s invited it to copulate with his girlfriend, quite literally treating the woman like a bitch. Even if she had acquiesced, I doubt the mutt would have enjoyed it much. It may well have gone through the motions to please its master, but a woman’s body probably seems like a rubber dinghy to a dog – too smooth to get a good grip of and too easy to puncture in the wrong place. The absence of a bitch-in-heat smell wouldn’t have helped either. You can’t expect a hound to be a demon in the sack under those conditions, no matter how horny it is.
Now I’m not opposed, in principle, to humans having pets. It’s all a question of choosing the right animal and having the right sort of relationship with it. An American woman once asked me if gorillas made good pets. “Not for humans they don’t” was my reply. It is always a mistake to share your home with an animal stronger than yourself, as it inevitably leads to confusion about who is the master and who is the pet. Even very young gorillas don’t know their own strength where humans are concerned. I remember a judo black belt saying he’d like to wrestle with an infant female in my band who was making eyes at him.
“Put on a jockstrap first,” I advised. “She doesn’t know what testicles are, and if she thinks yours are gooseberries you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
He decided, on reflection, to settle for a handshake.
The best sort of human-pet partnership is exemplified by the 18th century pirate and his parrot. The bird is not held captive and can fly away whenever it wants. It only opts to stay perched on Blackbeard’s shoulder in return for high-quality grub from the cook’s table and a prime view of the action. It can also speak its mind freely and contribute its two cents at crew meetings. Incidentally, it is a myth that a parrot will only parrot the views of its owner. These shrewd little creatures always mimic the phrase that will have the most impact.
My friend Smacker Ramrod, the circus vet, once kept a parrot in his trailer. After many weeks of trying to get it to say things like “Pretty Polly”, the bird stayed resolutely mute. Then, quite unexpectedly, it spoke its first words when Smacker was with a woman who’d agreed to spend the night with him. Just as they were starting to undress, the parrot got their attention by clicking its tongue.
“I love your boobs!” it squawked.
Smacker’s delight at hearing the bird talk was tempered by the fact that it had stolen a favourite line he was about to deliver himself. The girl laughed and said “Thanks”. She then reflected on what she had heard and stopped undressing.
“Hang on a minute!” she exclaimed, giving Smacker the evil eye.
> A police report said the man, 26, wanted his dog to join them in the bathroom, but the woman objected on Thursday night.
People read too much into it! 'join them' doesn't necessarily mean have sex *although whether the dog was allowed in would depend on whether he was clean, i'd think* (I usually let the dog into the bathroom with me, although not when there's a chance he'll get wet and fall sick)
> This sorry incident shows what can go wrong when a man’s best friend really is his dog. He takes the pooch bowling and buys it a beer, and before anyone can call a shrink he’s invited it to copulate with his girlfriend, quite literally treating the woman like a bitch
Ohh, incomparable! An excellent turn of phrase... :-) Well done, gorilla!
you gotta be careful with parrots. some of them mate for life. my rosella has apparently paired with me according to the vet.
she even pretended to be a boy parrot for the first 7 years. kind of flattering to think I can influence gender..... even if it is only the feathered kind :-)
The worst sort of human-pet relationship is with goldfish. They silently mouth their recriminations at you before leaping from their bowl to a carpety suicide. You are left wondering why for the rest of your life. That kind of guilt can poison a life.
Also, I don't think it's clear from the evidence presented that Smacker's parrot wasn't referring to his boobage.
"It is always a mistake to share your home with an animal stronger than yourself, as it inevitably leads to confusion about who is the master and who is the pet"
I guess that's why relationships don't last :p
Eve: Thanks, Miss. You are right of course. It might just have been a case of dog voyeurism.
Nothingman: Worse things can happen if you're hitched to female gorillas. But I would like to see a picture of the woman. Maybe she was a bodybuilder.
Nursemyra: Yeah, but you've got a great body. A similar thing with a pelican and a woman.
Sam: Everything grows big in Africa, Sam! I can't think of a worse insult for a woman than a parrot praising a man's boobs in preference to her own.
Pi: My theory is that goldfish suicides arise from boredom.
Mutley: With foxes too, I believe. I don't think it's very flattering for a woman to be boned by a bone. She wants to know that she caused the stiffy.
Sabrina: Thank you, dear. I don't see how a relationship can survive the man getting his butt whipped by the woman. She'd surely lose all desire for him. With gorillas it's different because the male is outnumbered.
Mrs Cake: There are some horrible dog-and-woman websites that you should avoid. I found one by accident when searching for a picture for this post. What would do you if a dog had the hots for you?
Mosha: Outside the jungle you could be right. Inside the jungle they have a habit of spreading false rumours.
My friend Sioba Siencyn had a tank of fish, and one by one they died until there remains but a single survivor, whom he calls Jack the Kipper. At least Sioba's safe behind the glass.
I like dogs in principle, but not so much in practice: I'm not crazy about their smell and they are worryingly wild about mine -- and everyone else's. Cats are less embarrassing and less obnoxious, but that doesn't mean I want that sort of relationship. I get scratched enough as it is.
Smacker Ramrod sounds fascinating - I'd love to hear more about him. Did his parents think up the name 'smacker' or was it an adult addition? If so, why? I know, I'm too curious for my own good. x
Mary: Cats certainly wouldn't be interested. I've mentioned before how disturbed they are by a woman's naked body.
Randall: Your link illustrates my point very nicely.
Lady Daphne: Anything salacious on my computer I blame on Bonzo, the camp chimpanzee.
Kate: It's a vice of a damned if you ask me.
Upset Waitress: They do that in the wild as well. Especially when tourists are watching.
Mrs Cake: They'd be panting with their tongues hanging out if you were their trainer. I'm talking about men as well as dogs.
Kitty: Hello Kitty. 'Smacker' is the nickname he got from smacking horses on the rump. I first wrote about him here.
That's why I'm not into pets. Teddy bears are much easier to take to bed. But mark my words, they get jealous.
There is loving your pet and lurving your pet. Think she is best out of it.
I always find it rather interesting when i think of what my dog thinks of me after the "act" I mean the smells and sounds and moving of furniture all in one night can confuse the little hound dog.
There were three dogs sitting in the waiting room at the local Vets. Office. A German Shepherd, A Boxer and a Great Dane
First one the German "Shepherd- Says to the Boxer-"What's your problem" the Boxer replies " I am here to be put down today."
"What happened?" Says the Shepherd
Boxer said " I bit the paper boy today . I was tired of him always kicking me and teasing me. so I bit Him" "Why are you here?" the Boxer said to the Shepherd.
"Similar Story. I bit the Postman, who has always tormented me for years. I got fed up and bit him on the bum." " I am also going to be put down."
They both turned to the Great Dane. " What's your reason for being here?" He said " I have a Model for a owner. She always does her Yoga in the nude everyday, twice a day." " Today I made the mistake of mounting her from behind." Said the Great Dane.
"Oh, your going to be put down too, then." Said the other two dogs.
" Oh, No I am only here to get my nails trimmed!" Said the Great Dane with a smile.
Miss Cheese: You'd have thought he'd want her to himself. He's the kind of man who loves his buddies more than his woman.
Jahooni: Let's just hope he isn't jealous. Do you let him watch?
Old Tarf: She must have been in an interesting yoga position for that to happen.
Ubermouth: That's not a bad idea. Many of Madonna's ex-boyfriends were basically her pets.
Lord Likely: I think the aim was in fact to give the dog a boner.
Ms Robinson: Pleasuring his girlfriend while feeding the dog? Yes, that would have been impressive.
Mutley: 'Oddly' is the right word. I don't believe that dogs love their sexual partners.
Upset Waitress: Monkeys in diapers? I don't like the sound of that. Bad medicine.
Mandy: I am delighted to have amused you, Mandy. Many thanks for saying hello.
Emma: That would be an interesting experiment. But would starving your husband produce a better result?
Nursemyra: Parrots aren't really meat eaters, but they'll peck out your earwax if you starve them.
Beast: That was traumatic for you and devastating for the budgies. Those little birds are no match for vacuum cleaners and dogs. At least give them a fighting chance.
Kara & Jahooni: This is the first time I have wanted to SPANK people who comment here. Please scroll down to the last Monday post and then find the day of the following post. It doesn't take a minute to understand the schedule.
were we justed spanked!!!!!?????
Is that the same (where HE IS FROM) as being PUNKED?
What about lap dogs and I don't mean dancers.
It would never happen. He knows how to use a microwave ;)
Jahooni: Suffer, woman, suffer.
Daisy: There really needs to be a dating agency that fixes up frustrated women with horny teenage boys. Unless women actually prefer being humped by dogs.
Uncle Norman: Difficult to know whether that's chick lit or mutt lit.
Emma: Ah, so he's a modern husband with kitchen skills. Lucky you.
Rockus: His girlfriend took it as an invitation to make him feel like a dog.
Louche: And some dog people form unusually close attachments to their pets.
Ms Smack: I'm not sure dogs can be trained to ass-rape, but you have a point.
And we'd barely recovered from the screwed-to-death-by-a-horse cringe of 2005...
I'm all for Left Coast liberalness, but c'mon, people: leave the fauna alone already!