Monday, January 21, 2008

Dog Day Afternoon

News arrives of a man who got beaten up by his girlfriend for trying to force her into a threesome with his dog.

The couple were showering together when he called the hound to join them, in spite of the woman’s clear warning that this would be viewed as an unfriendly act (not to say casus belli). Heaven knows what possessed the fellow. Perhaps he thought she would change her mind on seeing the animal’s eager face and long wet tongue. She didn’t, and the man ended up in hospital with a dislocated shoulder for his matchmaking efforts.

This sorry incident shows what can go wrong when a man’s best friend really is his dog. He takes the pooch bowling and buys it a beer, and before anyone can call a shrink he’s invited it to copulate with his girlfriend, quite literally treating the woman like a bitch. Even if she had acquiesced, I doubt the mutt would have enjoyed it much. It may well have gone through the motions to please its master, but a woman’s body probably seems like a rubber dinghy to a dog – too smooth to get a good grip of and too easy to puncture in the wrong place. The absence of a bitch-in-heat smell wouldn’t have helped either. You can’t expect a hound to be a demon in the sack under those conditions, no matter how horny it is.

Now I’m not opposed, in principle, to humans having pets. It’s all a question of choosing the right animal and having the right sort of relationship with it. An American woman once asked me if gorillas made good pets. “Not for humans they don’t” was my reply. It is always a mistake to share your home with an animal stronger than yourself, as it inevitably leads to confusion about who is the master and who is the pet. Even very young gorillas don’t know their own strength where humans are concerned. I remember a judo black belt saying he’d like to wrestle with an infant female in my band who was making eyes at him.

“Put on a jockstrap first,” I advised. “She doesn’t know what testicles are, and if she thinks yours are gooseberries you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

He decided, on reflection, to settle for a handshake.

The best sort of human-pet partnership is exemplified by the 18th century pirate and his parrot. The bird is not held captive and can fly away whenever it wants. It only opts to stay perched on Blackbeard’s shoulder in return for high-quality grub from the cook’s table and a prime view of the action. It can also speak its mind freely and contribute its two cents at crew meetings. Incidentally, it is a myth that a parrot will only parrot the views of its owner. These shrewd little creatures always mimic the phrase that will have the most impact.

My friend Smacker Ramrod, the circus vet, once kept a parrot in his trailer. After many weeks of trying to get it to say things like “Pretty Polly”, the bird stayed resolutely mute. Then, quite unexpectedly, it spoke its first words when Smacker was with a woman who’d agreed to spend the night with him. Just as they were starting to undress, the parrot got their attention by clicking its tongue.

“I love your boobs!” it squawked.

Smacker’s delight at hearing the bird talk was tempered by the fact that it had stolen a favourite line he was about to deliver himself. The girl laughed and said “Thanks”. She then reflected on what she had heard and stopped undressing.

“Hang on a minute!” she exclaimed, giving Smacker the evil eye.

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Don't parrots crap on shoulders? I think the best kind of pet is a taxidermied one. They don't give you any lip. There's very little to clean up after. And you can hang your keys on their ears.
That's a nice picture ;-) Great post! I'm still catching my breath... :-)

> A police report said the man, 26, wanted his dog to join them in the bathroom, but the woman objected on Thursday night.
People read too much into it! 'join them' doesn't necessarily mean have sex *although whether the dog was allowed in would depend on whether he was clean, i'd think* (I usually let the dog into the bathroom with me, although not when there's a chance he'll get wet and fall sick)

> This sorry incident shows what can go wrong when a man’s best friend really is his dog. He takes the pooch bowling and buys it a beer, and before anyone can call a shrink he’s invited it to copulate with his girlfriend, quite literally treating the woman like a bitch
Ohh, incomparable! An excellent turn of phrase... :-) Well done, gorilla!
more than the whole doggie sex thing, it would be a real bummer to have a wife who can dislocate your shoulder! :P

nothingman, you beat me to it!

you gotta be careful with parrots. some of them mate for life. my rosella has apparently paired with me according to the vet.

she even pretended to be a boy parrot for the first 7 years. kind of flattering to think I can influence gender..... even if it is only the feathered kind :-)
What in hell sized gooseberries do you have down Congo way?

The worst sort of human-pet relationship is with goldfish. They silently mouth their recriminations at you before leaping from their bowl to a carpety suicide. You are left wondering why for the rest of your life. That kind of guilt can poison a life.

Also, I don't think it's clear from the evidence presented that Smacker's parrot wasn't referring to his boobage.
We thought it was just us when Hari or Kari (our two goldfish) used to leap out onto the Axeminster. Slowly two dwindled to one and Sam's right: the guilt is hard to deal with.
As you are probably aware when dogs shag the penis actually fastens tight within the female, until ejaculation occurs, as a fail safe method of ensuring fertilisation. I would not have thought many humans would enjoy that experience..Also did you know that dogs actually have bones in their dicks?
Hee hee ....another excellent post Mr Bananas.

"It is always a mistake to share your home with an animal stronger than yourself, as it inevitably leads to confusion about who is the master and who is the pet"

I guess that's why relationships don't last :p
Good grief! Id rather share my bed with Captain Black than a dog! I think Id have done more than dislocate the offending male's shoulder in disgust at such a suggestion. Ive always been very concerned by the sign 'petting zoo'. Clearly I was right because there are people out there whose idea of enjoying the animals is rather different to the rest of us.
You could argue that a parrot would be a good pet for a Gorilla also, depending upon the parrot's temperament, of course.
Kara: Crap goes with pets, Missy. I would have guessed you're not keen on them. I bet you didn't even like horses when you were a teenager.

Eve: Thanks, Miss. You are right of course. It might just have been a case of dog voyeurism.

Nothingman: Worse things can happen if you're hitched to female gorillas. But I would like to see a picture of the woman. Maybe she was a bodybuilder.

Nursemyra: Yeah, but you've got a great body. A similar thing with a pelican and a woman.

Sam: Everything grows big in Africa, Sam! I can't think of a worse insult for a woman than a parrot praising a man's boobs in preference to her own.

Pi: My theory is that goldfish suicides arise from boredom.

Mutley: With foxes too, I believe. I don't think it's very flattering for a woman to be boned by a bone. She wants to know that she caused the stiffy.

Sabrina: Thank you, dear. I don't see how a relationship can survive the man getting his butt whipped by the woman. She'd surely lose all desire for him. With gorillas it's different because the male is outnumbered.

Mrs Cake: There are some horrible dog-and-woman websites that you should avoid. I found one by accident when searching for a picture for this post. What would do you if a dog had the hots for you?

Mosha: Outside the jungle you could be right. Inside the jungle they have a habit of spreading false rumours.
This gentleman should have moved to Holland, where his escapes would have made him a film star with an extensive following throughout the Germanic world.

My friend Sioba Siencyn had a tank of fish, and one by one they died until there remains but a single survivor, whom he calls Jack the Kipper. At least Sioba's safe behind the glass.
Boy, it takes all kinds!

I like dogs in principle, but not so much in practice: I'm not crazy about their smell and they are worryingly wild about mine -- and everyone else's. Cats are less embarrassing and less obnoxious, but that doesn't mean I want that sort of relationship. I get scratched enough as it is.
Never trust a parrot, I say.

Mr Bananas, may I suggest you wipe your computer's search memory, if those African bishops ever find out you were googling unnatural practices you will be for the high jump. Once, looking for pictures of tough brats to illustrate a post about bolshy little bastards I had encountered in UK, I typed in "kids" and "hard". Oh dear. Oh dearie dearie dear.
Not much of a bird fan but dude, that's going a step too far in inviting your quadruped to join you in the sack. Ick.
Monkeys aren't good pets. Even small ones. They throw their crap around and masturbate constantly.
Mr Bananas, if a dog had the hots for me, obviously I would first congratulate it for its remarkably good taste and then whack it on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
The woman was given bail of $50,000 - that was an expensive couple of punches she landed on her presumably now ex-boyfriend!

Smacker Ramrod sounds fascinating - I'd love to hear more about him. Did his parents think up the name 'smacker' or was it an adult addition? If so, why? I know, I'm too curious for my own good. x
Mr Boyo: I'm impressed by your connections in the slavic-piscine underworld. Jack the Kipper sounds like a mafia hit man rather than a political assassin.

Mary: Cats certainly wouldn't be interested. I've mentioned before how disturbed they are by a woman's naked body.

Randall: Your link illustrates my point very nicely.

Lady Daphne: Anything salacious on my computer I blame on Bonzo, the camp chimpanzee.

Kate: It's a vice of a damned if you ask me.

Upset Waitress: They do that in the wild as well. Especially when tourists are watching.

Mrs Cake: They'd be panting with their tongues hanging out if you were their trainer. I'm talking about men as well as dogs.

Kitty: Hello Kitty. 'Smacker' is the nickname he got from smacking horses on the rump. I first wrote about him here.
Mr Bananas, you've outdone yourself with this post!

That's why I'm not into pets. Teddy bears are much easier to take to bed. But mark my words, they get jealous.
It obviously wasn't a female judge otherwise she would have fined that dog of a boyfriend $50,000.

There is loving your pet and lurving your pet. Think she is best out of it.
They say that a Dog is a man's best friend... but that is just a little too much.

I always find it rather interesting when i think of what my dog thinks of me after the "act" I mean the smells and sounds and moving of furniture all in one night can confuse the little hound dog.
Reminds me of a story.

There were three dogs sitting in the waiting room at the local Vets. Office. A German Shepherd, A Boxer and a Great Dane

First one the German "Shepherd- Says to the Boxer-"What's your problem" the Boxer replies " I am here to be put down today."

"What happened?" Says the Shepherd

Boxer said " I bit the paper boy today . I was tired of him always kicking me and teasing me. so I bit Him" "Why are you here?" the Boxer said to the Shepherd.

"Similar Story. I bit the Postman, who has always tormented me for years. I got fed up and bit him on the bum." " I am also going to be put down."

They both turned to the Great Dane. " What's your reason for being here?" He said " I have a Model for a owner. She always does her Yoga in the nude everyday, twice a day." " Today I made the mistake of mounting her from behind." Said the Great Dane.

"Oh, your going to be put down too, then." Said the other two dogs.

" Oh, No I am only here to get my nails trimmed!" Said the Great Dane with a smile.
What pets should humans have...other humans?
I fear this whole torrid affair gives quite new meaning to the phrase 'giving a dog a bone'.
Women can be so unreasonable. The man was clearly making an attempt to please his woman by multi tasking.
Bemused: Why thank you, Miss. Your Teddy surely thrives on your bodily warmth.

Miss Cheese: You'd have thought he'd want her to himself. He's the kind of man who loves his buddies more than his woman.

Jahooni: Let's just hope he isn't jealous. Do you let him watch?

Old Tarf: She must have been in an interesting yoga position for that to happen.

Ubermouth: That's not a bad idea. Many of Madonna's ex-boyfriends were basically her pets.

Lord Likely: I think the aim was in fact to give the dog a boner.

Ms Robinson: Pleasuring his girlfriend while feeding the dog? Yes, that would have been impressive.
this is the first time that i'm reading a blog from congo. n this post is intriguing:-)
Oddly, there are some disturbing sexual fantasies in the book "My Secret Garden" written by women about having sex with dogs.
So if monkeys are so smart, why can't they be toilet trained? I always see them in diapers.
I'm so ROTFL I can't think of a thing to say.
People who have pets are mostly a little cuckoo. Fine, if you live on a farm where a dog may have a function. But otherwise, how one laughs when people say, "My dog is my best friend." Of course he is. But why not try not feeding your best friend for a few days and see how friendly you feel towards him when he attacks you and starts chewing off your leg?
but emmak... that doesn't apply to people who have parrots does it :-)
Dr Know: Welcome! I'm glad you found it worth reading.

Mutley: 'Oddly' is the right word. I don't believe that dogs love their sexual partners.

Upset Waitress: Monkeys in diapers? I don't like the sound of that. Bad medicine.

Mandy: I am delighted to have amused you, Mandy. Many thanks for saying hello.

Emma: That would be an interesting experiment. But would starving your husband produce a better result?

Nursemyra: Parrots aren't really meat eaters, but they'll peck out your earwax if you starve them.
I believe something similar happened with Old Mother Hubbard (and we all know how badly that ended).
wise advice indeed Mr Bananas for those concidering inviting the family pet into the 'bedroom'. I am a little nervous of free flying birds as pets after a couple of childhood incidence , Albert the first our green budgie came to an untimely end when Ma Beasty accidentally sucked it up the hoover(dont ask , you couldnt do it if you tried) , and Albert mark 2 got eaten by the dog
So if scrolling downward gives me any clues concerning your "posting schedule", you should've had one up Wednesday at 12:00 AM. It being so fucking early here, I don't have the patience to figure out what time it is where you are...but if I did my math correctly...or not at all...I'd say today is missing something.
I am soooooooo with you Kara! He is late. Late Late Late.
Kyknoord: The dog went hungry and no one got a bone, as I recall.

Beast: That was traumatic for you and devastating for the budgies. Those little birds are no match for vacuum cleaners and dogs. At least give them a fighting chance.

Kara & Jahooni: This is the first time I have wanted to SPANK people who comment here. Please scroll down to the last Monday post and then find the day of the following post. It doesn't take a minute to understand the schedule.
I have two white cockateils who often pull off my glasses in order to make me look pretty.
were we justed spanked!!!!!?????
Is that the same (where HE IS FROM) as being PUNKED?

we had a psych professor at the college here that years ago was "caught" in the act with a german shepard. apparently she did not realize how the "parts" to a dog work and he "expand" when inside...she could not get him to release and had to call 911 to get an ambulance to take them to the hospital...during her class every semester there is someone who inevitably barks while she is lecturing...
...and yes i know all the information because my uncle worked for the newspaper at the time...hehe...
GB _ Might I suggest a book called "Women on Top" I think page 33, but I may be wrong as it is a awhile sine I have dipped into this seminal work. The authors story about the Alsatian is, how can I put this "different".

What about lap dogs and I don't mean dancers.
But would starving your husband produce a better result?
It would never happen. He knows how to use a microwave ;)
Err...may be just mentioned "doggie" and dog happened to take it as an invitation? :-D
Panu: Well there's no harm in having your looks admired by birds.

Jahooni: Suffer, woman, suffer.

Daisy: There really needs to be a dating agency that fixes up frustrated women with horny teenage boys. Unless women actually prefer being humped by dogs.

Uncle Norman: Difficult to know whether that's chick lit or mutt lit.

Emma: Ah, so he's a modern husband with kitchen skills. Lucky you.

Rockus: His girlfriend took it as an invitation to make him feel like a dog.
i don't know about all women...of course...but i don't for one like being humped by a dog...matter of fact the only time i gave a dog a dig to the head was in the middle of a very passionate moment when i suddenly felt my arse being licked...from then on the door was closed and the dog was on the other side!
I suppose some people just aren't dog people, and some people are.
Fucking, rightfully so too! Dumb-ass wants to play with dogs that fuck? He NEEDS to spend some time in jail with dogs that will fuck his ass and see how he likes it.
Daisy: Dogs might be good at arselingus in a strictly technical sense but I agree, who needs it?

Louche: And some dog people form unusually close attachments to their pets.

Ms Smack: I'm not sure dogs can be trained to ass-rape, but you have a point.
I see greater-Seattle-area sex shenanigans have made international news again.

And we'd barely recovered from the screwed-to-death-by-a-horse cringe of 2005...

I'm all for Left Coast liberalness, but c'mon, people: leave the fauna alone already!
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