Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I am astonished to find myself referenced in Wikipedia. The following text appears in a discussion about Adolf Hitler amid the reference-desk entries on Christmas Day:
“There are plenty of web pages that proposed that Hitler was the most evil human being that ever lived, e.g. ”
The footnote links directly to a post I wrote over two years’ ago, in which I did not argue that Hitler was the most evil human that ever lived. I merely short-listed him in the top three. The silly clots must have linked to my essay without reading beyond the first paragraph. Once again, the bogus scholarship and slipshod methods of this electronic encyclopeestain are exposed.
It’s a pity the dilettante who referenced my piece didn’t study it properly, for he would have found a profound meditation on the nature of evil, the flaws in consequentialist moral theories, and the unparalleled wickedness of Captain Black, Mysteron agent (pictured above).
It’s annoying to have one’s argument misrepresented, and I regret that this is typical of the way humans behave when tackling a controversial subject. They pretend to know more than they actually do; they cite sources which don’t say what they claim; they hiss and piss like snakes in a hissing-and-pissing content. That’s why I choose my words very carefully when commenting on topics that agitate my hairless cousins.
Here’s an example of what I mean. A retired British army major asked me a question about the European Union last year. He said that although he’d voted to join
“You seem like a wise ape, Bananas,” he said. “Do you think we British should leave the EU and banish the Bulgarians from our shore?”
It would have been all too easy to answer him off the top of my head, clouding the issue with spurious waffle about the Mousetrick Treaty, Mandy Peterson and the integrity of the British sausage. But I refused to countenance such a masquerade and replied as follows:
“Frankly, Major, I don’t know. This is not a question that can be settled by wisdom alone. One must first assemble the facts and then weigh the pros and cons. How many groin-rubbing Bulgarians are counterbalanced by one Polish builder? How does the meat content of the British sausage compare with its German counterpart? Which course of action would most annoy the French? I’m afraid you will have to sort this one out for yourself.”
The Major nodded gravely in appreciation of my honest circumspection. “There is much in what you say, Bananas,” he replied, “but who can be trusted to give us the unvarnished facts?”
I stroked my chin and answered as follows: “As I see it, Major, no one with a strong opinion can be trusted, even if that opinion happens to be correct, for strong opinions originate in gall bladder. Seek out the diffident scholar, pottering about in the college library, who studies the current squabbles of humanity as if they were battles between Romans and Carthaginians.”
The military man thanked me for my advice and drew up a target list of universities. For my own part, I hope that I am never asked to adjudicate a human dispute. It is forbidden for the gorilla to change the course of human history, and vexatious for him to check all the sources to determine who the bigger humbuggers are. If it ever came to pass, I would be forced to put on my black circus robe and hold court, picking apart the evidence submitted by both sides – but under no circumstances would I wear a wig.
Second off...I never realized that you posted on a strict schedule. How anal.
Third off...I think Captain Black is pretty sexy for an action figure. How tall is he?
My son went through an obsessive Thunderbirds/Captain Scarlet phase. Captain Black was always the villain of the piece (not in Thunderbirds, obviously - puppets didn't 'do' transfers).
I shall never trust Wikipedia again - thank you for unmasking the bounders, GB. x
The only wholly reliable source of information and comment is the blogosphere. Newspapers are simply run by people who can't work the Inter Net. You might as well ask a monk what's going as that lot.
Many say the blogosphere is full of knaves, and they are right. But for every Neil Clark there is a Gorilla Bananas, and for every Tory Boy in his bedroom there is me. I mean that in the sense of counterbalance, not potential bedmates.
I think you'd look very fetching in one of those long woolly legal wigs
Kara: You don't want to be messing with Captain Black, Missy. He's a Mysteron agent and they treat their ladies mean. Captain Scarlet is the man for you. He's indestructable, so if you have a fight you can bang him over the head with a frying pan and he'll be as good as new in the morning.
Liv: Thanks, Liv, I knew I could rely on your support!
Kitty: Did he have the Thunderbirds villain, Baldy Hood? That fellow was a mean dude. He could make his eyes turn yellow and hypnotise people.
Mr Boyo: You could be right about the Major's wife, but I doubt it would soften her husband's opposition to the EU. Political blogs are a terrible obsession, aren't they Mr Boyo? I just hope no one googles the name of Mr Clark and gets led down the path of inanity.
Nursemyra: You can't fool me with all that "you'll look fetching in a wig" talk, Nursie. I've heard it all before in the circus.
As for Europe, if the Major had his way, half the Brussels bloggers would be on the dole. Although some of them are anyway. I bet there are very few complaints about groin-rubbing Bulgarian women.
Early childhood influences etc. Sure, he was fucking mad, but not evil. It's like saying Caligula was evil when he was just a complete mental case who did some bonkers things.
I'd still have Hitler round for dinner. Just so I could wind him up about being such a short bastard. Then I'd beat him up and use him for medical experiments.
Mind, think how the world would be different had JA been advising Hitler.
It has happened to me many many times where some ass wipe didn't understand a word of what i said but later 'manipulated' it to his advantage and spread it around. And of course poor me was at the receiving end of the backlash!
So now i try to be wiser and just shut my mouth!
I think we should dive into the EU at the deep end instead of dipping our toes in the water half-heartedly, which just leaves us looking like the strange kid at school sports day who everyone avoids because he is overly proud and uncommunicative.
Oops! Strong opinions...
Mosher: Evil or not, Hitler was a shit. He used the word 'ape' as a racial insult, calling other humans 'half-ape'. Yet when it suited him, he'd justify some barbarous action by saying it was a law of Nature which even the gorillas followed. He was talking balls, of course...or maybe just one ball.
Randall: If I ever thought what I wrote was changing human history I'd have to stop. Such is the injunction of Old Melonhead, the gorilla version of Aesop.
Sabrina: Kick all these manipulators out of your life, Sabrina. Hang out me and my band instead. You can speak freely with us, although we may have to pinch your cheeks now and again.
Approximately: Damn their eyes! I still can't work out how they got those eyes to move around whenever their were talking.
Mosha: It's no skin off my nose either way. If you want an argument about the EU, visit B P Perry, the blowhard blogger.
secondly, why not start a wiki entry for yourself encapsulating your main theories about humans, will they be called, a la Darwinism, Japism?
PS Ive finally spotted that nose! Im not sure what suddenly made the difference. I scrolled down from Captain Black and there it was, the eye, the nostril, the nostril hair and the wart on the far extremity of the nose. Thank God!
Surely the most evil being in the world has to be Gargamel from the Smurfs?
Attempts at mass genocide, ethnic cleansing of Smurf Wood, Anti-Blue sentiments, training beasts to kill. Not to mention bad dress sense and a face like Rowan Atkinson's.
What a brute!
Emma: That's not a bad idea. But if they throw me out for being a gorilla a lot of work will go to waste.
Mrs Cake: Those circles were Mysteron EYES, Mrs Cake, moving over your quivering white body! Would you throw Captain Black out of bed?
Upset Waitress: There are also wiki-vandals who insert phrases like 'Foghorn Leghorn sucked his tail' into the text. I hope your son isn't one of them.
Mermaid: He also had a damned annoying voice, but his victims were the equally annoying Smurfs. What was the deal with Smurfette, the token blonde female?
Did you identify with her? Was she a party girl?
An excellent answer, gorilla! :-)
I wasn't aware that the Great British sausage's integrity had been breached. I think it was me. In the kitchen. With the fork. Last time I was home. Look I didn't know what I was doing, OK? How could I have know the reverberations it would cause in Brussels? Stop judging me!
The French should always be annoyed, or teased at least. What's the point in even having them if we don't tease them?
Native minnow: Dirty white is the only colour that would work on a gorilla's head, were he so foolish as to wear a wig.
Daisy: Rainbow wig?! Those are for gay gorillas!
Eve: Thank you, Miss. Feel free to make use of it yourself.
Anonymous: The idiom I used is a common one.
Sam: Your loyalty touches me. The sausage question was raised by the bilious B P Perry a few months ago. Forking it is fine. Too much lean meat is what destroys its British character. I think the best way to annoy the French is to have more fun than them. Surely you don't prefer Blacky to Scarlet?
Beast: You are right. The bullet head will always beat the rug. Look at Captain Picard. Even the Klingon ladies tried to seduce him.
I was aimless this year, before this. Thanks.
If they did that more often it would probably be more reliable.
Coming over here, taking our jobs etc.
Bemused: I wouldn't call it publicity - I estimate that page had about 4 readers. I won't be famous until I've had an audience with the Pope.
Freelance: I don't think they checked the authorship. They probably think I'm a history professor.
Ms Robinson: It was not a reader who linked me but a googler. A reader might have realised that a post about Captain Black wouldn't help the Hitler debate.
Lord Likely: If I saw a Mysteron, I'd send it back to Mars where it belonged.
Daisy: No one looks better with a furry object on his head. Donald Trump is silly booby.
Kara: Captain Scarlet was less aggressive, but at least he was capable of conversation. All Captain Black did was brood menacingly. He never spoke a single word.
Rockus: Hello and welcome. That's a cool Latinised name you've got.
Sam: An asexual Heathcliff perhaps.
Jahooni: If you look back, you'll see you get 3 posts every 2 week, which is 1.5 per week.
A monkey to carry the wig like an English judge! why not the ridiculous one killed anybody forever the proof, on our premises they wears the dress and as the pigeons they pullulate to attract them it is enough to make, small! small! with a large cheque!
I heard of the Bulgarian umbrella, of Bulgarian yoghourts… I thought that “Bulgarian” was a registered trademark!
All my Gorilla wishes
Otherwise, your post was FULL of unvarnished facts and useful randomalia.
But yes, Goranas, you are correct. I need conversation in my love life.
/ end sarcasm
Ms Cow: The rumen? Could that also be where the strong gases arise?
Kara: I think Rochester was your type until he blinded himself like a pansy.
Rosanna: To be fair, it was just one of their discussants.
Mary: The full title of the show was Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons.