Friday, January 11, 2008

Bad vibrations

I arrive at the safari camp for lunch with the manager, our first meeting of the year since his return from holiday. As we sit down to dine, I notice a wart on his nose.

“A bad omen,” I think.

“Don’t worry about my wart,” he says, touching it with his forefinger. “I’m getting it seen to this afternoon.”

“Why would I worry?” I reply nonchalantly. “I barely even noticed the little noseberry.”

“Oh?” he remarks quizzically, raising his eyebrows. “You don’t think it’s a bad omen?”

“Poppycock!” I exclaim. “It takes more than a bean on the beak to spook a gorilla. I’ll send round a chimpanzee tomorrow to check you’re OK.”

I leave the safari camp, pondering the year ahead. I won’t deny occasionally having strange gut feelings (other than wind), but I never let them affect my plans. Let the premonitions of ape and man stay in the large intestine, where they belong. I remain confident of a bountiful year in the jungle. The barometer of my well-being is set fair, and will remain so unless I am ogled by a vulture laying an egg, which won’t happen.

I expect 2008 to be an eventful year. My dear human cousins will be holding their Olympic Games (heh!) to show the world what wonderful runners and jumpers they are (heh!). And
Sassy Miss Kara, the Feisty Filly of the Far-west, will be attending her 10-year high school reunion. Speaking as a gorilla, I don’t quite see the point of these get-togethers. If I haven’t kept in touch with someone for 10 years, there’s normally a good reason for it – a lack of common interests, perhaps, or the failure to establish a friendly rapport. I see no reason to re-acquaint myself with such people, and disapprove of those who do so in a spirit of one-upmanship. We gorillas despise all forms of gloating and never hesitate to ostracise the gloater.

With former high-school classmates there is another complication. Their past association occurred within a mixed-gender group engaged in the rituals of first-time courtship. This is a setting in which rivalries, jealousies and intrigues are surely rife. Can girls who competed for the attention of the same beefcake footballer truly let bygones be bygones and happily swap recipes for savoury pies? And what about high school sweethearts who severed relations because one of them was tempted to philander with a classmate? I can’t see why a cuckold would want to catch up on old times with the person who did the cuckolding.

We gorillas know all about cuckolding, of course. Any alpha male with a harem is going to get cuckolded from time to time, so he may as well learn to live with it. He can’t watch his females 24 hours a day, and there are bound to be occasions when an audacious young ape slips one past him while he’s busy patrolling the estate. Even so, inviting your cuckolder for an amiable rendezvous would be out of the question, even after a hiatus of 10 years. The only possible reason for such an encounter would be for the purpose of ramming a pineapple up the cuckolder’s hairy arse.

I’m not suggesting that these issues have any personal relevance for Miss Kara. She doesn’t strike me as the kind of young lady who goes around cuckolding people, and I can’t imagine anyone daring to cuckold her. Yet it would surely be bad for her soul to hobnob and gossip in an assembly where such discontents are seething beneath the surface. She would be well advised to heed any ominous portents before electing to participate this event. Beware of women with moustaches…and men with warts on their noses.

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A noseberry - pheew! I stared at that picture for a few moments before reading the text, and was worried that I didn't recognize the part. I don't consider myself to be unusually naive or unworldly but I couldn't immediately see where that wart was attached. But then the nose resolved itself into a nose and the world made sense again. (-ish)

"Can girls who competed for the attention of the same beefcake footballer truly let bygones be bygones and happily swap recipes for savoury pies?

Maybe the fella wronged both girls and they're planning on making a beefcake pie.
I can't believe he let you take the picture. Gross!

and it also too me awhile to figure out what it was and then I finally starting reading...

I went to my 10 year reunion and it was a joke. I haven't spoken with any one from HS since I left. Why on earth I went was beyond me. Maybe for a cheap drunk....
Haha, is that woman with a mustache Italian or Hispanic? My BF would be jealous.
> If I haven’t kept in touch with someone for 10 years, there’s normally a good reason for it – a lack of common interests, perhaps, or the failure to establish a friendly rapport.
Well-said, gorilla!

After all you've said, I'm thinking of one reason why they all go; to parade the beefier/more successful partner they've snagged now! (I think I would like that, having recently split with my high school sweetheart; childishly, I think I'd enjoy showing off the 'bigger bone' I'd acquired. And I definitely wouldn't go if I were an old maid; would just feel miserable, and have everyone pitying me)*
ok, ok, ok...if i go, it'll be to see who got fat and who's balding. but that's why everyone goes.

i opened this at work and my first thought was "labia" and closed the window quick-like. i'm glad to see that sam and jahooni were right there with me.

and one MORE thing, young man. tis most ungentlemanly to inform the entire universe of a lady's age. what did i tell you about writing about me, eh?
You're absolutely right GB. These reunions are nothing but a pain in the arse!

The people who come only want to know how much better and more succesful they are in life compared to you.

And as most of them will be married with kids, you get inane conversations like diaper changing and vomiting!

Pass please!
Sam: There's no such thing as a 'noseberry pie' - don't be fooled by that one. I like it when wronged women make friends: it's very sisterly. But revenge is going too far.

Jahooni: Some people are proud of their warts, ma'am. I hope you fulfilled your classmates' expectations. Were you voted a title at high school?

Upset Waitress: I think she's the daughter of a Russian Count, looking for Cossack husband. Moustaches are appreciated in that part of the world.

Eve: No woman is an 'old maid' at age 28. Even if you are single, you'll have other achievements, like being a doctor.

Kara: Labia??!! You need to spend 5 minutes in the bathroom with a hand mirror, Missy. No one knows your age because you were a obviously a child prodigy. You might have graduated from high school when you were 11.

Sabrina: I'll invite to you my own re-union instead. The one for hot girls with pinchable cheeks.
Is that a moustache on that young woman? I glanced at the picture and thought she was sporting a leech on her top lip for the purposes of blood letting, I must admit.

I went to an all-girls school - not a footballing beefcake in sight :-( x
my my you're a wise ape aren't you?
the first picture is grotesque, GB.
Have a great weekend in safari camp. :-)
I feel exactly the same way about reunions. If I wanted to stay in touch with such people, I would have done so.

The idea of ridiculously awkward conversation with long-forgotten strangers is terrifying.
*thoughtful* *nods* guess you're right, gorilla :-)
Ewwww - that is one seriously ugly wart. Surprised other visiting humans in safari camp haven't run away in horror!
Do like the cossack chick tho - does she rent the dead slug out for fancy dress parties?
Could be a useful contact to have!
Approaching the 30th H.S. reunion, here. I haven't been to any yet and don't intend to go to this one.

Kitty: An all girls school eh? There must have been a male teacher you all had a crush on.

Nursemyra: Thank you, Nursie! That's high praise from one who has seen and done so much.

Suzan: Thanks Suzy, I will.

Mosha: 'Strangers' is right. Your younger selves were different people, long since deceased.

Eve: You don't need a trophy husband to impress people.

Mzungu chick: The moustache is a useful prop, but can you imitate the look on her face? It's rather seductive, wouldn't you say?

Randall: Very wise. It might be more fun going to your wife's ones.
The seductive look won't be a problem Mr Bananas, although I'm not sure i'll be able to buy such fresh flowers at the moment with things being a bit tricky round these parts. Would dead slug, seductive look and perhaps a burning tyre off the side of the road have the same effect?
Bunny is very frightened of this wart.



Girls who competed for football players wouldn't be the type who'd be swapping pie recipes. They'd be real estate agents and bank employees buying Lean Cuisine and Weight Watchers frozen stuff.

I've never been to a high school reunion. I was almost tempted to go once, but thank God I lived on a different continent and couldn't afford the air fare. High school was bad enough the first time around; I'd be a glutton for punishment to go back for more, even as a seasoned adult.
Just last year I went to our 40th University graduation reunion and met people I hadn't seen in 37 years. Why? Curiosity. Interesting to see what varied careers people with the same qualification [B.Sc (Hons) in Physics] had had.
Over half still had their first wives too ;-)
Do you know there wasn't a single crushworthy male on the premises. The caretaker was small and brylcreemed. There was the hippie art teacher, the disciplinarian deputy head geography teacher, the weedy french teacher or the 'square' English teacher. Not very helpful for a schoolful of adolescent girls, eh? x
I never worry about reunions any more. When I went back for my school one, expecting to be sniped at by all the bullies who used to love winding me up, none of them had a clue who I was. I had become that forgettable - in just five years. All I had done was stop being a goth and let my hair grow back blonde. And put on a stone. They spent ages talking to me before they realised who I was. The only person to recognise me was the deputy head, who squealed:

"Oh look - it is the little angel in the school play". 16 years and she remembered me as a scrawny angel scraping a wooden fish and singing little donkey.

Actually, yeah. Reunions suck.
Reunions are for nothing more than to continue to mock your fellow classmates for how they've ages and where they aren't when they said they would be . . . and the free shrimp.
Mzungu Chick: What you really need, Ms Chick, is a round-the-world cruise. The ocean will protect you from the madness of man.

T Bunny: Time for a comforting suck of the Cow's teat?

Mary: I'm beginning to think that very few bloggers enjoyed high school. Too bookish to be popular, perhaps.

Ole Fat Stu: Welcome, Sir. You've clearly reached an age when the jealousies and resentments of youth are no longer felt. Your voice is mellow.

Kitty: What was wrong with the disciplinarian deputy-head? Didn't any girls want him to punish them?

Mermaid: Ah yes, you blossomed at university, right? But why would anyone want to bully a waifish little goth?

Kate: It might be worth it if the shrimp were big fat tasty ones, rather than tasteless prawn cocktail fodder.
Cow attended her high-school reunion and found it even more boring the second time around.

Watching leaves rustle isn't very exciting, doncha'know.

I was voted Class Clown. Insult. My humor has always been somewhat off the wall.
Please don't call me ma'am, makes me sound old. I am ONLY 29, cough 34, cough 29!
Once again, the ape kingdom makes more sense than we do. I didn't go to my high school reunion, because I wanted nothing to do with these people. At my university reunion, they went around asking, "Where are you working?" immediately followed by "How much are you earning?" And that was the end of that.
HAHAHA Great entry! High school was one of the best of times of my life. Even tho all my friends went off to different universities (leaving me all alone at a college), we still manage to see each other once or twice a week. I don't think I'd ever want to lose these friends...but then again, I just graduated 2 years ago. Who knows what'll happen.

Have fun at your reunion...and show all the gloaters your giant gorilla sausage if they're still hating. Holla!
I did get invited to a school reunion, as you can imagine I declined. I am glad I was following your sage advice in advance of receiving it! I have some warts on the palms of my hands...
has the wart gone yet?
I know very well what a labia looks like. But that's what happens when you move your monitor to the other side of the desk and it can be seen by anyone walking down the hall. You panic at the first flash of skin. You've burned me once before with your mostly nekkid chick pics.

And of course you're right. I was a prodigy.
Good Evening, children. It interests me that no one has yet mentioned a cuckolding incident from high school. Some things are too painful, I suppose.

Ms Cow: Rustling leaves? I'm surprised the event was held in a forest, but I suppose any gimmick is worth trying to get people interested.

Jahooni: Ah! That makes sense!

Bemused: How vulgar these people are! You could always make up a lot of nonsense to make them feel small.

Secret Agent: I do believe you are the youngest person here! I hope you keep at least one of those friends.

Mutley: Yes, it would have been embarrassing to show old school chums those warts. If you get them removed, quite a few might be jealous of you.

Nursemyra: Dissolved in snake piss, madam.

Kara: My flesh pics are always contextually and artistically justified. And virtually no dick&pussy.
What the F**K does that mean?
*Blush* Hee hee
The disciplinarian deputy head was both unattractive and dull. Geography was never one of my favourite subjects. Though now you have me wondering whether my peers were enjoying all manner of discipliarian fantasies whilst I missed out! x
That top picture is like one of those things you're meant to study to find the inner hidden image. I cant do those either! I am totally perplexed as to where the nose is!

As for High School Reunions, I went to our 25th anniversary of leaving school. Yes, I really am that old! No one recognised me and all the guys I used to have impossible crushes upon were following me around with their tongues hanging out... Oh yes, there is a GOD!!!! They, of course, still thought they were God's gift to women whereas they were actually, bald, fat and very full of themselves. Whereas, some of the guys at whom you would not have looked twice at school had grown into their faces, looked after their bodies and were most pleasing to the eye and eloquent to the ear. It was most illuminating but I really would not want to do it again.

I dont think it would be wise for me to comment on the subject of cuckolding...
I'm with you; if I've not spoken to someone for a decade, there's a good reason for it. Hence, fuck Facebook. And any reunion.

Now moustaches, that's another matter.

You know, I kept coming back to look at that wart. Finally I see it on a nose. For the past couple of days it looked like genitals. I'm slow.
Jahooni: Relax, baby, I just meant that I would have voted for you as well.

Sabrina: Don't tell me you're not used to getting compliments?

Kitty: Well it's never too late. How about James Spader in Secretary? You told me you saw the film.

Mrs Cake: You must be glad you didn't end up with one of those you had a crush on. I can't believe you're flummoxed by the picture. There's a nostril on the left edge and an eye in the top right corner.

Glamourpuss: Hello Ms Puss! You like moustaches? I grow one all over my body!

Upset Waitress: If you think genital, you see genital. I'm glad you're getting past your mental block.
GB - it's gotta be said, that wart picture was a difficult one to gauge without your prompting.

The only reunion I wish for is to be reunited with the £20 I lost out on the streets of London-town the other night.
That picture seriously messed with my head!
Very funny blog!

I laughed quite loudly and I don't do that very often
GB- I was actually really looking forward to my 10-year reunion. This was possibly because I liked the film Grosse Point Blank (not that I was hoping there'd be hitmen there to kill each other). Luck would have it that I was in Japan when the reunion happened and so I missed the whole thing. Yes, it is about the free shrimp and the getting drunk with people you didn't talk to at school, but I think it would have been fascinating in a (Michael Apted's) 7Up way. Did that quiet kid in Biology class end up being a millionare or a serial killer? Did the popular girl get knocked up early? Who turned their lives around?
You're right - Miss Kara wouldn't cuckold anyone. Her moustache exudes honesty and fidelity.

And yes, that nose pic did - at first glance - look like someone's bits.
Miss kara looketh exceedingly tempting. I daresay by the twinkle of her eyes that she is up to no good.

I agree(obviously).
It's nice to rub peoples faces in the dirt, stomp on them and savour their failure. Part of the human condition (+:
i went to a reunion...once...from high school...people don't really change...maybe hair...clothes...but the way they truly are shows through...
i didn't like them then, don't like them i don't waste time with it
i would have to disagree hitch, it has never been pleasurable for me to let people know a situation where i may be better off...i need the self satisfaction more than the approval of anyone else...but that is because i am QUEEN DAMMIT QUEEN OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!
Interesting blogsite you have here, Mr. Bananas.
Mermaid: So everyone keeps saying. I just can't imagine what else it could be.

Bloggrrl: I apologize, Miss, for that was not my intention.

Dirkstar: Thank you, Sir, I am pleased to have entertained you.

Fatman: Well, you people have got the Aussie cult of mateship, where everyone is equal with a beer in hand and no one is superior because they've lucked out.

Quinck: Miss Kara is not the lady with a moustache! Oh boy, she'll give you a whupping if she finds out you said that!

Panu: Welcome ma'am. You will find many pictures of Miss Kara in her blog, but not here. She makes some excellent poses.

Hitch: As some silly human said: "To succeed in life is not enough: others must fail."

Daisy: Hitch should learn at your feet, ma'am.

T McKinley: Glad you think so. How did you find me?
Hahha, I came back again to make sure I saw what you said I was supposed to see. It is indeed a nose. Today I actually see the eye :) Proud of meh?
How much longer do we have to look at this wart?
You know, I'm not as upset about being mistaken for the chick with the mustache as I am about being mistaken for the chick with the FEATHERED HAIR. Honestly...that's just insulting.

She is skinnier than me, though. Bitch.
The Welsh solution is to grow hair on our noses. Keeps them warm. We donated all our warts to Cromwell so he'd leave us the fuck alone. Didn't work as usual. Independence remains the only option.
Mr Bananas , that wart is an evil looking thing to be sure , I went to school renunion once (never again) , one of the chaps had actually hired a hooker to pose as his girlfriend (and was later exposed) , how sad is that .
One school reunion is one too many!
I cannot - try as I may - make a nose out of that revolting picture. What is it?
and in any case it's more a pustule than a wart.
Nope, I still cant see it - not even with clues!
That wart pic is disgusting.

I went to my ten year class reunion a few years ago. It was fun, but only because I knew I was going to run into some old friends whom I'd lost contact with over the years. I doubt I'll go to the next one.
Upset Waitress: That's my girl! I'll mail you a pack of jelly beans!

Jahooni: Until 6pm, Tuesday, Eastern Standard Time.

Kara: You mean Big Bird? You've got the same colour hair, but otherwise the resemblance is slight. Don't sell yourself short, there's no need to be jealous of that bird brain.

Mr Boyo: The Hairy Nose of Wales would be a wonderful title to award to one who truly deserved it.

Pi: It's a nose with a wart on it!

Mrs Cake: Are you having me on? I think you may be losing your ability to recognise the non-erogenous zones of the body.

Native Minnow: I've seen worse. I hope you remembered to take their numbers.
I'm still struggling to see the nose. Or the eye. Are you all in this together? It looks like porn for very small people to me.

I missed my high school reunions - I think I had a better party on that night. Or something. Nothing to do with not wanting to face my teenage past. Certainly not that.
Damn. Now I'm sorry I missed my reunion. I had a whole crate of pineapples.
Come the glorious day, GB, and it'll be right up there with the Order of the Charred Lung of Llwchwr.
Thank God for cat, it's not just me!!!!
Personally, I like a woman with a moustache on her lip.

Especially if it is mine.
Oh my Mr Bananas you are learned indeed!
ok...i'm over this blog. time for a new one. and no shitty excuses like "i'm busy". i'm not having it.
tick tock tick tock tick tock... i thought it was Tuesday BLOG DAY! Helloowwwwwwwoooooo
Cat: Hello and Welcome, Cathy. I'm sure you were a very popular teenager.

Kyknoord: Don't tell the judge you got the idea from me.

Mrs Cake: It still amazes me. Maybe you're both left-handed or something?

Lord Likely: I'm sure his lordship's bush has graced many an upper lip.

Miss Delboy: Thank you kindly, Miss. I kiss your fair hand.

Kara: The next post, Missy, has been written and ready to go for longer than you would believe. I make a point of posting at the same time, on the same days, so no one has to waste time checking. I will press the button in 45 minutes. And if you give me your postal address, I'll shave my back and mail you the hair.

Jahooni: Indeed it is, but the long-hand of the clock is not yet at 12.
hmmm.. maybe this is completely irrelevant, but why is a wart on the nose considered a bad omen? never heard of a wart as such.

high school reunions... YUK. never been to one and you are so right about all that nonsense still being present. i could only imagine feeling the same way i did back then. why would anyone want to put themselves thru that turmoil... and call it fun?!!
ok, mistake, that was my comment. for some reason, i was logged in as my sister when i made that comment....

Your sister gives you her password? You must be close. A wart is surely a bad omen - that was agreed by a unanimous show of hands at the witch doctor's convention in Brazzaville. I am not worried bu such things, however.
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