Monday, January 07, 2008

The alien menace

A Japanese government minister says he believes in UFOs. Hats off to the man for speaking his mind rather than telling people what they want to hear. He may still be talking codswallop, of course. If alien spaceships have visited the Earth, their occupants have been pretty cagey about the whole thing. I don’t know about you, but if I’d travelled half way across the galaxy to a new world, the first thing I’d do is make contact with the local chiefs. I’d present them with the finest gifts that the Solar System has to offer – sparkling gemstones, pompadour wigs, antique nose-hair clippers and so forth. If they had any sense of hospitality, they’d then feel obliged to give me a suite in their swankiest hotel with 24-hour room service.

Anyway, I announced this piece of news at the safari camp, whose guests included the American comic Orlando Jones. Professional comedians go on vacation to take a break from being funny, so I wasn’t expecting anything more than polite conversation. I told him Japan’s defence minister was mulling over the legality of using military force against flying saucers.

“If they’re not bothering people, why not leave them be?” asked Mr Jones. “Let them do their research and stuff and go home.”

“Some people claim to have been abducted by aliens,” I replied. “They say they were removed from their beds at night and taken to a spaceship.”

“No shit, what they do to them?” asked Mr Jones.

“They say the aliens surgically milked their gonads so they could use the sperm or eggs to make new humans.”

“Aww man!” exclaimed Mr Jones. “That’s a ASSAULT! First thing I’m doing when I get home is order a dessert from Burger King. If the aliens sneak up on me at night I’m saying ‘Hey man, there’s a whole ice-cream cup of my man-goo on the table. Take as much as you need, baby, coz I ain’t into your shit with the knives and the tubes.’”

How everyone laughed! Mr Jones quickly got into his stride to brighten up the evening with more jive-ass humour.

On due reflection, the aliens are probably wise not to give conclusive evidence of their presence. Just imagine how the devoutly religious would react, first conferring with their learned beardies about what it all meant, then proclaiming the aliens were fulfilling some ancient prophecy about Armageddon or the Horseface of the Apocalypse. If I were the alien leader, I’d be tempted to announce I was a prophet and give them a new holy book saying that God wants his children to pretend they’re atheists… apart from Dicky Dawkins, who has to host a new Praise the Lord TV channel.

Even the non-believing types would be pretty disturbed about the whole thing. Deep down, most humans are anthrocentric. For all their faux self-criticism, they’ve got used to thinking of themselves as the smartest dudes in the universe. Finding out there are 1000 more intelligent life forms in the galaxy, of which 921 are prettier and funnier as well, would be a crushing blow to the human ego. I bet a lot of these aliens also have incredible sex lives, with orgasms lasting over an hour. That might be the bitterest pill of all for humans to swallow – especially for a certain type of woman who is strangely jealous about that kind of thing. Don’t ask me why.

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you mean, your orgasms don't last an hour? thought that was commonplace. but superior. now that's a thought.
So what you're saying is humans got a headstart on other Primates, but we aren't the top of the food chain? Friggin' aliens, somebody has got to do somethin'....
It has always been my dream to be abducted. I also think Dick Clark is an alien. And those religious people really do believe in aliens because on Easter, Jesus was transported to the mother ship.
Can't wait for the Dickie Dawkins Praise the Lord show - that's going to be something else.

Does ice cream from Burger King really resemble man goo? :-O x
Alien milking. Likely story.
And I suppose the shy gay aliens are stealth bummers.
Hi GB,

Considering that the UFO phenomena was at its height in the mid-20th century, the aliens are a long time coming, aren't they. :-)
My image of the 8th day's events in seasonal song "The Twelve Days of Christmas" is damaged beyond repair. I completely fail to see how alien maids could get a milking cap over their antennae for starters.
I'm with Kitty. haven't ever tried ice cream from burger king but I'm tempted to go get some now....
Jen: So now we know why you're such a contented woman!

Buffalo: I don't think humans are in danger of getting eaten by aliens, but you might have to perform in their wildlife films.

Upset Waitress: The aliens could be great in the sack if they had a good human teacher. They can make their parts vibrate at high frequencies.

Kitty: Hah! I think his idea was to eat the ice-cream and then deposit a few samples into the empty tub. Dicky Dawkins has the look of an evangelist about him.

Ari: You think so? I don't know what to believe.

Midnight: They're thousands of years ahead of stealth
technology. But they do seem to be shy.

Suzan: That's what I thought, but apparently they're still very active in Japan.

Sam: The only way to stop the milking is to give them frozen sperm and eggs. People need to put fridges in their gardens for the aliens, like bird tables.

NurseMyra: Put in a lot of salt and pepper first.
So human males and gorillas are immune of jealousies that involve hour long orgasms. Did they evolve from aliens mixed with fake man goo?
Isn't it rather silly to say one believes in a)objects which b) are in the air and c) have not been identified? I see those things in the TV room of my house all the time, when one of my boys heaves Fritos at his sister. It is only later, when vacuuming the carpet that we discover it was Fritos. My advice to Japan: Stock up on chili-cheese dip.
> If I were the alien leader, I’d be tempted to announce I was a prophet and give them a new holy book saying that God wants his children to pretend they’re atheists

LOL! That would be fun... hehehe

> Professional comedians go on vacation to take a break from being funny, so I wasn’t expecting anything more than polite conversation.
That would make sense.... but from what you say, perhaps one doesn't become a comedian except for the love of the attention provided by a laughing audience..... :-)

> Finding out there are 1000 more intelligent life forms in the galaxy, of which 921 are prettier and funnier as well, would be a crushing blow to the human ego.
*Grins* Hahahah... yes, we human females wouldn't stand a chance at all! *am remembering one of my favourite movies as a kid; Total Recall - was mesmerized by the woman with 3 breasts... lol*
I want to meet these strange alien females with their extended pleasure periods and their powdery grey skin.

Hopefully, if this alien meeting were to happen, Dawkins would be ostracised, and religion deemed fraudulent.
I'm still haunted by them eating mice in one go in V the mini series.

Besides, if you were of superioir intellect and landed in the middle of Wolverhampton on a Friday night you'd be pretty cagey about drawing attention to yourself! As you would anyway, being an ape.
Just what would an Alien Reality Show look like then?
what in the world is mangoo? as is Mr Magoo? Or Mango, as in the fruit?

I am not from this planet and my last orgasm was two hours and forty minutes, so forgive me if I sound a bit squew wiff
My family are a bunch of rednecks and swear that they see UFO's out in the country (aka-boondocks). I really think it's lightning bugs that they see...

anyhoo, I would love my orgasm to last over an hour. In my next life I hope to be an alien! ;-)
Eve I also remeber the woman with three breasts.
Im not greedy , two good ones will do for me (hopefuly not green)
Bemused: I hope most women are immune as well! You make it sound more common than I thought!

Randall: A hand-gliding sumo wrestler would make a good UFO in Japan.

Eve: Men might enjoy a fling with an alien chick, but I don't see many settling down with one.

Mosha: Her name is Vina. Kirk tried to play it cool, but she drove him crazy with lust.

Dan: Wolverhampton is known as a place to steer well clear of throughout the galaxy. I'd only go there behind a herd of elephants.

Ms Robinson: The aliens would have the power to look inside the viewer's living room and decide which humans breed.

Peach: It's also knows as "goo of man". Am I right in thinking that only women boast about their orgasms?

Jahooni: Maybe you'll get to experience the one-hour orgasm when scientists work out how to make it happen with electrodes attached to your spine. I hope it doesn't turn out to be too much of a good thing.

Hitch: Three is confusing - which pair do you put your head between?
Topiary feels a strange fondness for this green alien. Almost a kindred feeling.

If only she had leaves.

Hmmm I've never really thought about sacking an alien. But I would be all over that if they had to penises, or something similar.
*two* penises
On due reflection, the aliens are probably wise not to give conclusive evidence of their presence

Damn skippy they are. They've seen Mars Attacks. They know what's up.

I have no idea how I'd react to getting abducted. Somehow I don't think I'd take it well. Unless they were hot. Ok, if all aliens looked like Gary Oldman and Djimon Honsou, I'd be all for abduction. Maybe even a little probing.
I think they're already here and are in contact with our leaders, if Dubya and Sarkozy are anything to go by. And as for pretending to be atheist, they've obviously already nobbled the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Q. Why is it always American rednecks who get abducted by aliens?

A. Because they're easy to catch.
If I’d travelled half way across the galaxy to a new world, the first thing I’d do is make contact with the local chefs. Starving I'd be, mun. Might account for their low profile, especially if they went for a tandoori in Swansea.
Thanks for putting me off ice-cream for life. Should get svelte again:)
I'm impressed with the fact that Japanese government officials are actually admitting to this. The Japanese tend to be a very disbelieving lot, but Machimura is not the only government official to make this confession. The DEFENSE minister (I think his name is Ishiba) has also said that he believes in aliens. Something is up. Two Japanese ministers stating a belief in UFOs defies statistics.
"Dicky Dawkins, who has to host a new Praise the Lord TV channel."

Ha ha ha! If only aliens did share your wicked sense of humour! I for one would like to see that.

Re: the Japanese - they're clever enough to invent aliens, aren't they? Teeny tiny ones, like bonsai aliens. They will come over and invade your potplants.
T Cow: She might taste like leaves if you lick her... or grass even.

Upset Waitress: Would you prefer a Vulcan or a Klingon in the sack?

Lady Daphne: The rednecks always seem to get a rectal probe, whereas the Albanian farmers are asked to impregnate a cloned woman.

Mr Boyo: Wales surely needs a thriving alien community to counter its xenophobic image. It would really put you on the map to have an alien visitor addressing the Earth in your parliament.

Pi: Don't worry - he'll eat all the ice-cream before depositing a sample in it.

Mary: I've got the feeling the aliens are picking on them because of their sceptical reputation.

Mermaid: I've always thought Dicky had the air of a priest about him. I bet he'd look great in the vestments. I think the Japanese should invent a little alien for you cat to play with. Even pets need pets.
Lady Daphne's comment reminds me that Europe's two hottest locations for UFO sightings are Voronezh in Russia and the Veneto region of Italy - which coincidentally are also joint holders of the European alcohol abuse record.

Aliens would be welcome, GB, if they learned Welsh and didn't complain about not being able to get Granada TV. Having said that, I reckon they've been living quietly in Rachub for years.

And we're not xenophobes, it's just the English we don't like. And the Dutch tourists - bring their own food, they do, which is just a lump of cheese anyway. Sanctimonious child giants.
This does not surprise me. Lust is that man's biggest weakness.
Mr Boyo
They eat chocolate with cheese and love camping .
The are like tall Germans without the sense of guilt. However, I'm not sure if they share the Germans enthusiasm for pissing and shitting films.
I myself would be more concerned about alien gorillas, i.e. seven foot tall wookies looking to take on a mate. I have heard that they are none too picky about what sex these gorillas are what they are looking for and have been known to cause extreme pain in the process of enlarging the primate bumhole in the process.

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid!
I have it from a pal in the CIA that aliens are among us and are tiny green microbes that live on the surface of vibrators, thus cunningly gaining access to the human vagina and secretly impregnating our women. So far, these alien cross breeds have been limited to Dubya, Shane McGowan, Posh Spice and Gene Simmons...but I am urging women to check their vibrators for tiny green specks before inserting them into their parts so that this trend can be stopped.
Mr Boyo: Does anyone visit Wales for its native cuisine? I'd hope the aliens wouldn't bring their own food like those Dutch yokels. But they should be encouraged to open their own restaurants using fresh local produce.

Mosha: And he always managed to hide it behind fine words about the prime directive.

Hitch: That must be why there are so few Dutch restaurants outside the Netherlands. I don't see what the Dutch have to offer Wales. Apart from their money, that is.

Ron: Wookies? Don't make me laugh. Those giant teddy bears couldn't rape a rice pudding. Most of them are transvestites anyway.

Emma: That sounds like disinformation to make women mistrust their vibrators. If the sex toy industry gets too powerful it might sponsor porn stars to run for high office.
If for one would welcome more porn stars in high office. La Ciccolina was largely responsible for the reforms that ended the Christian Democrats' stranglehold on Italy, and her offer to drain Saddam Hussein's love gravy if he'd leave Kuwait alone might have saved us and the Yanks all this recent bother. The man himself might also be still alive, and far more relaxed about things. Hillary Clinton's or Ron Jeremy's finger on the button - which would you chose? Especially as Ron has been doing it all his XXX adult life.

Hitch is right about the Dutch. Give me an honest, sabre-scarred Kraut anyday, especially as their coprophiliac tendencies keep the Dutch film industry going yet all they get is whingeing about the Second World War. Get over it, ja?
you commented on everybody's comment but mine. shun!
"Beam me up Scottie."
I was about to make a tired old 'Uranus' gag, but then thought better of it.

Confound it, it is high time astronomers discovered a new planet, and gave it a hilarious name, like 'Miballs', or 'Hurminge', or 'Arcox', or something.
Mr Boyo: La Cicciolina was the rare example of a woman who could use her breasts to further worthy political causes. I wrote a eulogy to her here. Ron Jeremy would be too vulnerable to jokes like "Are you pleased to see me or is that a cruise missile in your trousers?"

Kara: An accidental oversight, Missy. I was going to say that we could make friends with the aliens by offering them a human female. It wouldn't be so bad. They'd treat you like a pet, make a fuss of you and take you sightseeing round the galaxy. If you were a good girl they might clone you a Gary Oldman replica. But they'd expect to watch you mate with him.

Tarf: Where to?

Lord Likely: All the good names end with 'us' or 'x'. Knobulus, Buttox, etc.
Those hour-long orgasms may end up being more than just a bitter pill to swallow - especially for those who get conned into going down on Mr Alien (and you can just bet he'll put his foreign accent to good use).
Dear Gorilla Bananas: I was fascinated by your blog "Men of Nature's Calling," where you talk about the fascination female gorillas have for human males. I posted a question for you on that page. Could you respond? Thanks!
A long long time ago I read Whitley Strieber's account of first hand alien abduction, "Communion" and totally freaked out. My friend Phil (an artist) further tormented me by painting me a picture of a Alien Gray pressing my intercom buzzer (and leaving it at my front door).
Probably a Vulcan. Those pointy ears make me ht. Klingons, well the name of their species turns me off. I mean who the hell wants to be called a Klingon? Anyway, the best thing about aliens is they can walk around naked.
The Japanese ARE the aliens.

Can't believe only Topiary has noticed this. Who but aliens would torture small plants and then call it "bonsai?"

Kyknoord: She might be lucky and get a visit from aliens whose jizz tastes of custard.

She Ape Lover: I've posted an answer on that thread. How did you find your way here, Sir?

Missy: I think Scotland would be ideal terrain for an alien landing. Sparsely populated by nihilistic humans who are too proud to ask the English for help.

Upset Waitress: I thought only the Betazoid were into nudism. I'm glad you prefer the Vulcans. They're vegetarian and mainly pacifist like us gorillas. And they like busty women. The Klingons suffer from halitosis.

Ms Cow: You could be onto something. I don't believe sumo wrestling originated on Earth.
I will not be offered up to ugly aliens. They have to look like Honsou or Oldman...or deal's off. Unless they sounded like James Earl Jones.

Hmmm, I want a cookie.
I'd rather see the Dickie *Davies* Praise the Lord show, complete with resurrected Shirley Crabtree and Giant Haystacks, prancing around in leotards with angel wings on the back.

And can I also add to the (at least 1 other person) who's commented that orgasms normally last an hour? Mine don't, but my ex-girlfriend's did. At least that's what she told me about the guy she was shagging behind my back.
Prettier and funnier than the Beast.
How ridiculous !
Proof positive that aliens can't excists
I also take issue with 'orgasms that last longer than an hour'
For goodness sake , we all gotta get up for work in the mornings , you get to the 40 minutes point an someone better start faking something..Its just good old fashioned good manners....the Beast gets a might testy if he dont get a good solid 8 hours kip
In all fairness, Miss Cow, Elvis Costello also noted that the Japanese are not of this Earth:

"Japanese God Jesus robots telling teenage fortunes
For all we know and all we care they might as well be Martians"

(Tokyo Storm Warning)
I have seen numerous UFOs and I am not convinced they were not alien spaceships - one I saw turned out to be an unmanned plane drone being used to survey the English channel for illegal aliens...
"jive-ass humour"

verily and so on.

You're like a 76 Bolly. You just keep getting better.

I tug my beard etc.
Just like Robocop, then.
GB- you mentioned where? I would like to be beamed up to the nearest Pub.
Dear Gorilla Bananas: When you get a chance, I left you a follow-up post on your "Men of Nature's Calling" page. Please respond when you can. Thanks!
I'm actually waiting for the new SHIRLEY MACLAINE Book in the mail! It's about UFOS!
Have the aliens captured you? where are you......
Kara: If I were an alien, I'd feed you milk and cookies every day...and watch you eat them too.

Mosher: Dicky Davies! What a man! Humans who have had the urge to pull his moustache should know that this is quite normal. We gorillas would rather shampoo his hair with olive oil. Are you French, Sir?

Beast: Faking won't help because the climax itself lasts for an hour. Do you think you could survive an experience like that, Beast?

Mr Boyo: He must have been a Welshman to write lyrics like that.

Mutley: And not one of them wanted your sperm? These aliens are getting very picky..

Dr Maroon: Do you like jive-ass humour, Dr? I hope you watched the 'Dennis Rodman' clip if you do. He is a character played by Mr Jones.

Mosha: In a way, although I don't remember Robocop getting laid.

Tarf: There is surely one in heaven with your name on it.

She Ape Lover: I will do as you asked in your comment. I should warn you that anyone who reads the comments on that thread may think you are a little unhinged.

Mrs Mogul: What a kooky lady! I like her though.

Jahooni: Next post due in 90 minutes, ma'am. I am very regular.
In response to your reply, we cuffed the terrorists at Glasgow airport, we'd do the same to the Martians, given half a chance.
Feck no, I'm not French. Just living/working here till the end of May. Then off round Europe festival-hopping for a month. Then back to SE Asia and Oz for a break till xmas or so.

I think the next step is to get a well-paid contract in Saudi or Kuwait to set me up for a couple of years. Then travel some more.

Damn. Cuffing Martians at Glasgow airport sounds much cooler.
The minister has obviously seen The War Of The Worlds, or at least a version of it dubbed in Japanese, I suppose.
hmmmm... someone just said they saw a spaceship in texas. there was also a sighting last year in bahrain of all places... but the U.S. military is there...

i wonder if sting is an alien. wasn't he bragging (and his wife) some time back about being able to have sex for like 6 or so hours... or maybe it was the climax itself... guess i should remember something like that, but don't.
again, the comment above is mine... not jahooni...

dang, i hate it when i don't pay attention....

brain farts... that's my excuse.
Hello Um Naief! I don't take these sightings seriously unless someone got abducted. Sting is a big boaster. He's talking about tantric sex where the couple don't even touch! He probably finds copulation too much of an effort these days.
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