Monday, December 03, 2007

The nose have it

A French woman at the safari camp reveals that she is sexually attracted to men with big noses.

“You mean like Gérard Depardieu?” I ask

“Pah!” she exclaims. “His nose is like the tulip bulb. I want the long sharp nose of Mr Geoffrey Rush!”

“A decent actor,” I admit, “but not a big hit with the ladies, as far as I know.”

“For sure he is a hit with this lady!” insists the woman. “And he always acts to such naughty roles – the Marquis de Sade, the Pirate of the Caribbean. He can rush me to his cabin if ever he wants!”

She squeals and pinches my arm, delighted with her own wit.

“Excellent pun, to be sure,” I remark. “Yet what is it about big noses that appeals to you? The prospect of a good nuzzle perhaps? Or does their sniffing potential tickle your fancy?

“Sniffing and nuzzling is good,” she answers, “but more important is what the big nose suggests about the man.”

She chuckles, giving me a knowing look.

“Indeed?” I reply. “And what might that be?”

This straightforward question prompts the woman to laugh hysterically for a good minute-and-a-half. Heaven knows what she finds so hilarious. The French are famous for their odd sense of humour, of course. A lot of them find Jerry Lewis funny.

“My dear Mr Bananas!” she sighs at length, drying her eyes. “You are big, strong and hairy, but you have hardly any nose! So, alas, I could never be yours.”

“I am sorry to be unworthy of you,” I reply loftily. “I shall endeavour to bear my disappointment lightly.”

I leave her to entertain the other guests with her nasal ruminations.

Maybe what she liked about big-nosed men was their implied personality. A woman might easily develop a fascination for such a fellow after watching him ferreting around, probing beneath the veils of multi-layered mystery. Lieutenant Columbo acquired a huge female following simply by asking awkward questions, even though he dressed like a tramp and was a patsy to his wife. The nosey man might also be more adventurous in bed, delving with his torchlight into regions that less inquisitive lovers would shun. And let’s not forget that many women are fond of cats, who are renowned for their curiosity.

Snooping in the wrong circumstances can be a terribly destructive thing, though. The Nosey Parker has ruined the career of many a promising politician. Does anyone remember Gary Hart, the American senator from somewhere-or-the-other? He was billed as the next John Kennedy, even though he didn’t have a particularly large nose. The same could not be said of Barry Manilow, the shrew-faced songwriter and neighbour of Mr Hart. When he learnt that the senator was taking time off the campaign trail to relax on his yacht, he turned up at the harbour with a box full of signed albums. The assorted dolly birds and party girls on the vessel inevitably broke cover and screamed, as they are wont to do in the presence of famous crooners. The press quickly got wind of the commotion and Mr Hart’s presidential bid exploded in a shower of crotchless panties and push-up bras.

I don’t begrudge Manilow his success and give him his due as a composer of sentimental ballads. I’m sure he has no shortage of female admirers who have fallen head-over-heels in love with his phenomenal snout. But he should curb his inquisitive instincts when they are likely to change the course of American politics.

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Hi GB,
I find it hard to believe that a woman would find a man with a big nose a turn-on. But then there are so many other aspects into making someone who they are. I'm also thinking that a broad nose means you do very well in that department. What fine inspiration you have for your posts, GB. Always surprised just stopping by. :-)
Delightful punning :-)

I only saw Gerard Depardieu in one show (the Green Card), but liked him very much (was surprised when I googled him to find that he was the guy in the pic you put up...hehehe). No, I don't think I like big noses, although they ARE
Dear gorilla bananas. Big nose, big... wallet? (Surely your safari friend is one of only a few cornering the big snorkel niche. She's sure to be treated like a lady by these desperate men).
I remember Gary Hart, and his reputation with the ladies. I must confess that I don't find Mr Manilow attractive, nor Mr Rush, nor even Mr Depardieu - I'm thinking I'm too fussy?

First a post about big chins, now big noses ... I can't wait for your next post ;-) x
Ah! So Barry won the battle of the snouts!

Wonderful story to read early on a Monday morning. Thank you.
Mr Hart’s presidential bid exploded in a shower of crotchless panties and push-up bras.

You'll recall GB, the yacht in question was christened, The Monkey Business. Is there a correlation?

Suzy: Thanks Suzy. Could some women think a long nose is more manly?

Eve: Well, you are still young. Maybe you will later acquire a taste for such men.

Ms Moi: You think they are desperate? Some of them say they can nuzzle a woman to ecstasy.

Kitty: I'm glad you look forward to them Kitty, but I can't promise to stay on the antomical theme for ever! The big nose is probably an acquired taste, like almonds.

Saintly Nick: Thank you, Sir! Barry was indeed an honorary anteater.

Randall: I recall it well. The yacht had resident macaques! Barry Manilow had to bribe them to keep silent about his role in the sorry affair.
I do not think Pinnochio ever had much success with women Mr Bananas - maybe it is only French women? Incidentally, I do not think you should allow anyone to pinch your arm - for that alone I would have walked away. It is small step from arm pinching to being patted on the head.
One nose what you means, GB, as Alan Rickman himself, that doyen of the film world, is adorned with an incredibly aquiline hooter.

HOwever, I once went out with a guy with a prominent snoz, and kissing him was a bit difficult - you had to make sure you were at the right angle, or else one of the two following would happen:

1) you'd hit his nez with your own

2) he'd breathe heavily through it all over your face.

Hardly romantic, I think.
Barry Manilow appears to have an oyster stuck in his ear. Is this a talent of all those endowed with generous facial furniture?
Come to think of it, I would probably fall into the category of women who appreciate big noses. I tend to associate them with moderate-sized egos, though this stereotype has been proved wrong a time or two. Barry Manilow's nose is great, but the rest of his face is a little too ferrety for me. Not that my opinion would break his heart.

Pinocchio was the original toy boy, but not in the way a woman might appreciate: he was far too young and his nose, though long, lacked shape and definition.
Good connections there GB, I have a Roman nose so I am delighted to hear that some women find this to be attractive.

Dont worry GB, if you dont have a human nose. One day you and your kind will rule over us as masters.

I'm adding a link to your blog on my site.
Barry Manilow fans are called Fanilows. I wish that wasn't a fact but there you have it. Fanilows.

large noses...well, come to think of it I do fancy that Liam Neeson... large and broken. certainly that wouldn't bode well to the french dame.
Mutley: Mutley, thou pooch, Pinocchio was only a boy, but a fine little fellow nevertheless. I wrote abotu him here.

Mermaid: Silly fellow, he should have held his breath! But isn't rubbing noses the Polynesian way of kissing?

Minx: You've got a better eye for detail than me - I thought it was ear wax.

Mary: You mean big-nosed men are not vain about their looks? That sort of vanity would surely be unmanly to a woman. Pinocchio's talent was for the nasal erection.

N-Ghost: I'm glad to have brightened your day and shall certainly link you back. Are you related to Mrs Sparsit?

Sam: There is something admirable about humans who don't care how naff they appear to others.

Liv: His eyes are pretty good as well, especially when he's surprised.
I don't know about big noses, but I like big earlobes. You know, something I can really nibble on.
Mr Bananas
Although neither Jewish nor a gifted singer and lyricist, you are however, a singing Gorilla.
learn to roller skate* , I will be your agent and we will make a f***** fortune.
*(a unicycle would be better)
Gorillas have tiny noses. Do I detect jealousy GB?
Mrs. Sparsit? Possibly more along the lines of Magwitch
The French know
Where they are with a nose.
They loved De Gaulle
And who now remembers Vincent Auriol?

That's the sort of poetry I've going to deploy on the 137 bus girl, but with French politics replaced by booty admiration.
you know who wears his large nose quite sexypantsy? jeremy northam. you know him? no? introduce yourself to a little something i like to call gosford park. mmmmmm.
Emma: Aren't they found on the larger, older man. A rare soft spot on a leathery exterior.

Hitch: I've already done all that, Hitch. My circus career is over.

Mermaid: You know, I haven't felt jealous about anything for years. Maybe I'll feel a twinge when you get hitched, Mermaid.

N-ghost: Ah yes, I see the resemblance! He was a good-hearted fellow beneath the rough exterior.

Mr Boyo: De Gaulle had a cracker, didn't he? But it was blunt rather than sharp.

Kara: More recently, he played Sir Thomas More in The Tudors. That's one to watch if you like seeing well-spoken English people having wild baboon sex.
Pointed nose? Hmmm..that's the first time i've heard of women going gaga over men with well endowed noses!

Perhaps as you suggest it's like dating a man with three hands or..*ahem*...2 penises?!...more pleasure!

Having said that, i do love Rush but only for his acting skills of course
I apologise Mr Bananas - I was delighted to read the Pinnochio post... may I raise the vexed topic of Cyrano de Bergerac?
sabrina said...
Pointed nose? Hmmm..that's the first time i've heard of women going gaga over men with well endowed noses!

Sabrina you're out your element, G.B. haven't I always said that about the long pointy nose? I mean look at me, do you honestly think I could have got a classy bird like Mrs Maroon without mine?
my dog's got no nose!

how does he smell?

G.B. you may want to have a word with this fellow. Box his ears and so on.

I thought you should be told.
Karl Malden. Now there was a nose to make Sainsbury's Maris Pipers hang their head in shame.
Nuzzling seems to be the in thing just now.
You would be amazed at what a fellow can do with a suitably gigantic nose.

I have seen women clamouring to get at gentlemen with such massive conks, and throw their lips upon the protrusion and suck with passionate glee.

I believe this practice is known as a 'Nose Job'.

I adore a man with a large schnozzle, except for when I'm taking coke with him, and then his large nostrils and propensity to hoover up huge lines becomes rather a pain in the arse (nose?)
Your friend should watch Shine, where Rush's character attempts an inappropriate public groping.

Manilow is so anodyne.
Sabrina: A woman who has had a big-nosed lover will never again be satisfied when a man with a small conker buries his face in her chest. It's like paddling in wellington boots.

Mutley: You may raise it, but I have yet to discuss his peculiar case.

Dr Maroon: On reading your very first comment on his blog, Dr Maroon, I said to myself: "there speaks a man with a nose you could sharpen a pencil on". How I'd love to see Mrs Maroon give it a good pull after you'd said the wrong thing when she'd had her hair done. That fellow you linked needs a good kicking. I will say my piece on Tarzan (the real one, not our long lost friend) before Christmas.

Peach: You must have practiced that one to get the timing so perfect!

Pi: Many have commented on his splendid hooter, but it was blunt rather than sharp, hence not the nose of a dangerous lover.

Lord Likely: I think you need to patent that concept before it's stolen, M'Lud!

Milf: Madam, that is self abuse! He should have better things to do with his nose.

Mosha: I must see it myself! Is his nose involved in the groping?
That's never Geoffrey Rush in the top picture? Manilow appears to be holding a funny cigarette, was he on Dutch TV? Big ears are better, something to hang on to when paragliding in tandem.
The only time size matters is in the nose department. Small and stubbies just fall short of one's expectations.
It's weird cos obviously I realise that Depardieu, Manilow and Karl Maldon undoubtedly have big hooters but Geoffrey Rush, Liam Neeson and Jeremy Northam? I never even noticed their noses because of their charismatic charm.

PS Ive been loving the Tudors too.
I am trying to think of instances when a large hooter would be an advantage.
I suppose shop lifting small items could be one.....for instance brussel sprouts.

How bizzare does Barry Manilow look these days , the face lifts havn't settled well....bless
Lady Daphne: Have you not seen Quills then? Michael Caine, Kate Winslett and Joaquin Phoenix co-starred.

Miss Cheese: I had a feeling you'd say that, Miss Cheese. I should have put up a picture of Louis Theroux. I have no doubt that your own one is petite and feminine.

Mrs Cake: I'm sure you noticed their noses subconsciously.
All the better to nuzzle you with, Miss Cakeyhood.

Beast: I suggest you ask your female co-workers rather than trying to use logic. Some things are beyond reason.
Now that made me blush!
He looks a bit Sade. I would also appreciate a picture of Louis Theroux, so that I could study his nose more closely.
Here is a picture of Louis, milady.
Sadly not, although the film is fine cinematic fare
I have an 'average' sized nose. Could that be the reason I've failed to make any headway in this department?

Hi GB,

Talk about timing - when I clicked on the link you left on my blog, a Barry Manilow song came on -Copa Cabana!

You know ... I work a few feet away from anthropologists - are you one of them? Perhaps I need to be careful what I say...
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