Friday, November 09, 2007

Sleepless nights

A religious guru in Malaysia is warning women not to wear tight clothes. Apparently it gives men in that part of the world sleepless nights, making them thrash about in their beds like spawning salmon, cruelly abusing their pillows. This, he contends, is a form of emotional abuse. Looking at the guru's picture, I think he should put his own house in order before telling women what to do. That wispy beard of his would drive female orang-utans insane with lust if he showed his face in the jungle.

When a female ape gets the hots for a man she will lie on top of him and poke her fingers into every crevice in his body. It’s obviously not pleasant for the man, but the psychological damage done to the ape is immense. Instead of concentrating on the noble pursuits that Nature intended for her – rearing infants, foraging for food, reciting prayers, etc – she is corrupted by thoughts of naked primate booty and how she can get some. “Beware of man and the seduction of his charm that leadeth unto sin” is the proverb quoted to female gorillas from the moment they’ve eaten their first banana.

As a former circus ape, I find it difficult to entertain complaints about women who wear skin-tight clothes. That sort of attire is very much de rigeur in the ring, and concealing the contours of those pert little bodies would be cheating the customers. It isn’t necessarily advisable for ladies of a less athletic build, though. The gorilla perspective on the human female is that while her top half is improved by compression, her bottom half must be packaged with care. Frankly, it can give the appearance of trying to squeeze the groceries into a carrier bag that’s not quite big enough.

“Are women who dress seductively asking for it?” is the question posed by every talk-show host seeking to boost his ratings. Scantily-clad ladies tend to respond defensively when this suggestion is put to them by other humans. This is where being a gorilla helps. Human females can speak to me candidly, aware that my motive is anthropological rather than judgemental. Having interviewed a number of saucily-dressed damsels, the answer appears to be ‘No’. Rather than “asking for it”, they are “asking to be asked for it”, by the right man, in the right manner. And if the man or the manner of asking does not meet with their approval, they reserve the right to decline.

In the animal kingdom, these matters are resolved by the male giving the female a good sniff to find out whether she’s in heat. Hampered by their poor sense of smell, humans have to rely on cues and signals instead. Yet I’m not convinced that the women of today have got it quite right. The mini skirt and skimpy top often make her appear closer to spreading her legs for Mr Knobpants than she actually is. My feeling is that corseting the cleavage inside an 18th century bodice is closer to the message that the temptress is seeking to convey. The goodies are there for the taking, but getting them out is likely to be hard work.

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"Rather than “asking for it”, they are “asking to be asked for it”,"

Brilliant, Nanas! Perfection in a post - you have outdone your lovely hairy self!

But there are few things in the world more powerfully attractive to a woman than a strong tuft of guru-beard. He's asking for it that man - dangling it out there for all to see.

I wholeheartedly concur on the question of the bodice. A man who is willing to take the time to carefully unlace is far more appealing to the bodice-wearer than those who would either just reach into the 'shopping bag' to reach the fruit, or those who would impatiently tug at the laces, thus creating more knots than a boy scout earning his knot badge.

I'm all for the sniffing thing too ... scent is a powerful tool.
Oh, I like this post!

The sight of that old teacher's face almost made me afraid that you'd found me out... ;-) he's a very well-known figure around here (and possibly, the one responsible for the laws in his home state against wearing lipstick in public.)

> That wispy beard of his would drive female orang-utans insane with lust if he showed his face in the jungle.
*Grins* In Islam, it seems to confer added blessing to have a wispy beard of that sort. And yes, it drives me crazy. Whenever I'm talking to someone with a beard like that (and there are quite enough of them), I can't help staring at it in mingled horror, disgust and fascination... can't think of anything but how gross it is...

> Having interviewed a number of saucily-dressed damsels, the answer appears to be ‘No’. Rather than “asking for it”, they are “asking to be asked for it”, by the right man, in the right manner.
Oooooohhhh...! Very, very well said... this sums it up perfectly... :-D

The bodice looks good... *makes note to self to try that style of dressing*
When a female ape gets the hots for a man she will lie on top of him and poke her fingers into every crevice in his body.

Pretty much been my experience here on this end of Darwin's sliding scale of development.

I have recently spent some time in Basque country, but was initially disappointed to see that the local women did not wear the garment of the same name. However I suppose it is late autumn and a touchy nippley and most of the woman resembled sheep. Not being Welsh this did not add to their appeal. Your example was much more in line with what I wsould have in mind
love your blogs
I join Sam and Eve in my admiration for your phrase "asking to be asked for it." This is exactly what women do when they put on flattering clothes, and how astute of you to realize that. How wonderful it would be if men could simply learn to practice a little self control instead of seeking to control the behavior of others.

And I feel exactly the same about that man's beard as Eve does. He's a decent-looking fellow, but that beard does nothing for him at all. The female orang-utans are welcome to him as far as I'm concerned.
Sam: I'm so glad you liked it, dearest one. If he added a Fu Manchu moustache to his wispy beard he'd really be a ladykiller.

Kitty: I see you like a man with a gentle touch and a good nose for women!

Eve: I expect he seems less comical when he's in your neighbourhood, but laughing at him is better than learning from him. I bet you'd look great in a bodice, Eve!

Randall: Are you trying to make me jealous?

Uncle Norman: Bodice or not, pretty girls will never go out of fashion.

Jaypar: Thanks, friend, and welcome to the show.

Mary: Thanks, Mary. I think it's the men who don't make a habit of talking to women that tend to feel like bottled-up volcanoes.
so you think we need to bring back the corset, eh? i'll see if i can find you a picture of what those do to women's internal organs. selfish.

as for human's poor sense of smell. what else is perfume for but to inspire the same response as a low cut shirt would? i'll expect your analysis in the standard 5 paragraph essay format with the thesis statement in the last sentence of the first paragraph on my desk in the morning.
Hi GB,
This guru used to rule over a smaller opposition party - known to be fanatical in their ideals - and they control the state of Kelantan - famous for its beautiful beaches and touristy, in Malaysia which has several other states, ruled by a far more democratic and sensible government. He has come up with funny policies before like women not being allowed to wear lipsticks unless they were really old or ugly.
A Fu Manchu moustache too! Oh, be still my beating bits!
Dear Mr Bananas
Having seen one of your cousins wank in Regents park zoo and other relatives perform onanistic acts at many other zoos combined with the consumption of their own excrement I think that you may be on dodgy Ground here.
Of course I dont mean to suggest that public masturbation is one of your personal foibles nor that you enjoy a handful of your own steaming poop for lunch most days, that is a crude generalisation. So it is unfair to suggest that our Malaysian friends are all mad mullahs.
The goodies are there for the taking, but getting them out is likely to be hard work.
Women put their assets on display in the Western world and men can ogle their bits and then pick the one with the freshest melons. But pity the poor's all right for your lady gorillas, they can assess the size of your penises before mating. But however nice a man's face, wouldn't it be nice if he waved his penis in our face the first time we met so we could see if it was a good size and girth and worth doing the horizontal tango with. Actually, maybe not waving in our face but some other primal mating ritual. what do you think?
More ape-like than a guru two gurus, there was the epoch of the organizers, that of the planning, that of the economists, of futurologists. They consulted them as they consult the diviners, bed jackets of crystal ball or grounds of coffee. Park to the gurus!
Problem, how to avoid losing the reputation of French?
The dress attributes which the women carry evolve with seasons, and windows of stores, therefore, the shop window of their charms is in touch with the fashion of instant, what causes the howl of male sex by no overpowering desire of an attraction which is not always reciprocal but by the salt note which the trader of said clothes tightens you with a scoffing smile! In brief you are envouté...
Kara: Bodice, Missy, not corset. I was using 'corset' as a verb. Interesting that you have nothing to say about squeezing the groceries into a bag that's too small. I'm getting very suspicious about your tush...

Suzy: What woman would humiliate herself by getting permission to put on lipstick under those terms? The man is loopy.

Sam: The oriental apothecary was a consummate ladies' man.

Hitch: Hitch, man, we're all relatives. Humans wank as well, you know. Very few Malaysians are mad mullahs, but the ones who are should get it on with the female orangs.

Emma: I'm sure a good many men would let you feel inside their underpants so you could check out their equipment for yourself.

Crabtree: The reputation of the French has never been higher, thanks to your lyrical prose.
I never wear a bodice Mr. Bananas! Am I asking for it?
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are you asking if my ass is fat? the answer is...yes.
Congratulations on receiving Lord Likely's Golden Cock of Excellence.
Mr Bananas , I am personally dissapionted that the European Union hasn't sorted this all out.
All we need are a few more Euro directives on how to dress if your gagging for it but not fussy , or gaging for it but choosy etc etc.
More rules and regulations , thats what we need , it just makes it so much easier.
Mr Bananas
I stand corrected
Most native malays do indeed wank in public and eat their own excrement.
This information comes from my personal physician (chinese) who has knowledge of these people.
But... it is the Indonesians who tamper with orangs. Malays may be just lazy , exhibitionist copraphilliacs , but they leave your cousins alone when it comes to a bit of man on beast action
Mutley: I can't remember a time when you've not been asking for it, Mutters.

Mariano:Thanks for letting us know!

Kara: Fat is OK as long as it's firm. Keep peddling hard!

Rev. Q: And the same to you, Reverend.

Beast: You could try using hand signals. Finger in the mouth means you're gagging for it.

Hitch: My experience in a travelling circus taught me that human vices are seldom confined to a particular geographical location. To be honest, Hitch, you all look the same to us gorillas.
It is peculiar, is it not, that if a lady parades around in scant clothing she is apparently 'asking for it', yet if I do the same, everyone else is asking for it.
Well, women who choose to 'put their wares on display' definitely do tend to be a distraction, at the very least, for men around the world, I am sure.

Could that be the infamous brother of the lauded maharishi of the US midwest?
Perceptive comme d'habitude.
In my experience the kind of man who thinks a woman is asking for it, is rarely asked for it themselves.
you all laugh at wispy beards, but that Ho Chi Minh was sex on legs.
And he could do a mean dialectic marxist analysis of the whole thing afterwards. With a vietnamese accent to die for. In French. You don't know what it's like 'til you've been there.
That's all I had to say.

(*mines more of a nylon rug).
Lord Likely: If people often ask his lordship for it, it must be because they are used to getting it from him.

Sidhu: A man should be able to enjoy his distractions without going off the rails.

World Champ: I doubt it. They appear to be from different creeds.

Pi: Thank you.

Misssy: I think they say she's 'asking for it' because they know what the answer would be if they actually asked her.

Che: Only those who've never seen nude photos of Comrade Le Duan make a fuss about Ho Chi Minh.
I have been sniffing women all week Mr Bananas and all it has got me is an ASBO! Nevertheless I shall persist!!
Bravo Mr Gorilla Bananas!

I have printed off this remarkable article and laminated it. I shall stick it to the wardrobe door tonight. If she will not listen to me, then perhaps she will listen to you.
There's nothing wrong with dressing slutty at home, but taking it to the pub for the intense pleasure of nineteen year old tractor drivers is taking things WAY TOO FAR!!!!


On a lighter note G.B. I remembered the " don't say people line"
GB-"beware of man and the seduction of his charm that leadeth unto sin"

What is the 2nd proverb?

"Never leave your coconuts unattended, they could be seized by wandering baboons"???
Mutley: That's because they weren't in heat. I think you may need to try different tactics.

Dr Maroon: That's very kind of you, Dr, but she may need more counselling than I am able to offer. I'm glad you remember the "Don't say people!" line. Do you know anything about it? It sounds like genuine hippie talk.

Old Tarf: That's a very good proverb. You have the making of a fine jungle guru, Mr Tarf.
God i hate these bloody religious fools who are always trying to blame their inability to keep their tiny dicks in their pants and the high rate of rapes by their kind on women!

Bastards! Bastards! Bastards!
Has anyone ever told you that you're sexy when you're angry?


They're too busy trying to run away from me!
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