Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The French Disconnection

I don’t often defend the good name of a woman I have never met, but felt compelled to do so when a tourist referred to Cécilia Sarkozy as a “snooty bitch”. The fellow was miffed that she was divorcing the French president rather than rejoicing in the role of first lady. I expressed my dissent in forceful terms:

“Sir, I disagree! It is greatly to the lady's credit that her heart is not swayed by such shallow temptations! A virtuous woman cannot be seduced by the trinkets of high office or the baubles of unmerited acclaim!”

The man assumed the demeanour of one whose nipples had just been tweaked by a sumo wrestler and trotted off silently, picking his teeth with a pencil.

I do hope Cécilia won’t betray my faith in her by speaking ill of Sarko. It must be very tempting for a recently divorced woman to dish the dirt on her ex. Even sweet-faced Nicole Kidman said she was looking forward to wearing high heels after splitting with Cruisey. I am sure that many unscrupulous publishers would pay Cécilia a fortune to reveal Sarko’s bedroom secrets – of how his nostrils flared like a racehorse when he saw her in satin underwear; of how he gnashed his teeth like a basset hound when he climaxed. Such a memoir would doubtless sell well, but at what cost to her dignity, to say nothing of the dignity and grandeur of France?

Being French, she won’t have to worry about the gutter press poking its warty nose into her post-Sarko dalliances. For all we know, some enterprising young beau might already be squiring her. Whatever you say about the French, give them credit for their mature attitude to sex. You can learn a lot from the love scenes in their movies. Unlike in Anglophone films, the music never starts playing when the couple are horizontal – instead, you get a full range of naturalistic sound effects along with fascinating snippets of dialogue. One could easily write a book titled “Interesting things said by the French during coitus”.

The sad thing about the break-up is its effect on Sarko, who’s been looking rather glum, even for a Frenchman. Just when he should be triumphantly bestriding the globe like a modern-day Asterix the Gaul, TV interviewers are rubbing salt into his wounds by asking him about his marriage. Perhaps the King of Swaziland might be persuaded to loan him a couple of his own wives to warm-up the king-size bed in the Élysée Palace. Sarko could certainly afford to entertain them in style, and their presence might inspire Hugh Hefner to send him a free collection of adult toys from the Playboy Mansion. Such are the perks of being president of France – a lavish salary, a rent-free palace and an unlimited supply of gratuities from foreign potentates.

My ape intuition tells me that we won’t see Sarko on top form until he’s done some serious arse-kicking. Top of the list of gadflies to be swatted are the disgustingly carnivorous farmers of France, notorious for belligerently asserting their right to butcher anything that moves in the countryside. The next time these horse-eating villains obstruct the highways with their tractors, Sarko should be waiting for them with bulldozers, helicopters and vats of putrid offal to drop on their stubborn heads. A great cheer will resound through Europe when these ill-mannered bumpkins are laid waste by the force de frappe, allowing Sarko to claim his rightful position at the continent’s Action Man.

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I reckon that book 'Interesting Things Said by the French during Coitus' would be a bestseller. I'd put it on my Christmas list.

I think you should contact a publisher with the idea, forthwith.
Oh, I love the verb "to squire". It says so much whilst being so discreet. I'm hoping I can slip it into conversation somewhere tomorrow, now you've reminded me of its loveliness, Nanas.
Everything I know about sex I learned from French movies. But be warned: repeated viewings of Betty Blue as a teenager does a disappointing first real sexual encounter make....
"Interesting things said by the French during coitus” could quite easily be a Weather Report album title.

Such imagery, the gnashing teeth.

. . .to say nothing of the dignity and grandeur of France?

We are talking about the same France, aren't we? The one in Europe? With dog poop on the sidewalk? Which The Bastard loved so much, he left?

Just checking.

Good point Mr Bananas
many has been the time Hitch has pitied the poor woman who has had to witness his fuck face.
Its rather like my war face, only the bayonet is made of something other than steel.(no jokes about floppy cocks)
And not only do they say interesting things, they have an ACCENT!!!! *Swoons, her corsetted breasts heaving with desire as she is squired to within an inch of her life*
Kitty: I'm ready to collaborate with Daphne Wayne-Bough and Monsieur Crabtree, who have personal experience of these matters.

Sam: The dictionary says it's derived from old French, so put on an accent when you say it.

Misssy: I wish I could remember the scenes in that one. The French make it so believable.

Mosha: "Gnashing his teeth and making guttural munching noises," I should have said.

Randall: Which bastard are you talking about? There are surely many.

Hitch: Your sensitivity to the women you have squired surprises me. I expected you to lay into the French farmers.

Mrs Cake: Your French lover would be watching you squirm in a cool, logical way, giving you instructions to heighten your pleasure.
I'm afraid I have never been anywhere near a climaxing Frenchman, but I imagine he would shout something culinary such as "Millefeuille!" or "Cochon de lait!"

I can't wait to see who Sarko is going to start squiring once he's got over the dishonour of Cecilia leaving him. Hillary Clinton perhaps?
I doubt very much that Ms. Sarkosky was the president's first lady, nor will she be his last.
I didn't know they were breaking up. But I can maybe see why. I'm sure he was so busy kissing George Bush's ass that hers was feeling neglected. That would definitely be the last straw for me.
Gosh what a sensitive soul you are. I imagine a more vain character would've stayed, given that he is now one of the most important men in the world. Oui?
sacre bleu! Look at her hands! Her HANDS!!!!

Is she a man? Is she actually really really old?

HE looks like Sly Stallone on a crash diet, she has the Hands of a MAN.

I can understand, judging purely on looks alone, and the fact they are French, why they have separee
I gather that Segolene Royal is unattached at the moment.
Lady Daphne: Are you implying that Frenchmen are not the great lovers we supposed them to be? Sarko must redeem the honour of France by sweeping Hillary off her feet!

Lord Likely: She wasn't even his first wife, M'Lud. Nor was he her first husband.

Kara: Well Bush's butt is probably more neglected than Cecilia's. Would you say that kissing a woman's posterior is romantic? I think it could be in the right circumstances.

Rosanna: Indeed. But a real Frenchwoman lives for l'amour.

Mermaid: It's not the best picture of her, Mermaid. I only chose it because I needed one of the couple. She's still do-able, I would say. How much French blood do you have, BTW? Quite a bit, I would have thought.

Jobrag: I believe so. Daphne Wayne-Bough has inside information about Segolene, but my lips are sealed.
GB, I was thinking of the Hastings William, who has that nice carpet on the wall in Caen. You know. "One In The Eye For Harold" and all that.

Those gauls have got some gall, haven't they?
My money's on Rama Yade ....if Kouchner doesn't get there first.
A pox on the french is all I have to say on the matter......
May I raise the question of the farmers and the tractors? Wouldn't dropping a lot of offal on them block the roads even more ...?? I would propose that stealing all their petrol would be a better tactic.
“Interesting things said by the French during coitus”.

Truly, a wonderful line, and a wonderful title.

The French aren't really ghastly, their farmers are, but then so are ours. They've murdered all those free range turkeys (6000) yet do you see any half price offers in the shops? Why not hand them out to the old folks and that, like we did in the olden days? Greedy.

Sam's right about "squire", as well. Fantastic phrase.
The man assumed the demeanour of one whose nipples had just been tweaked by a sumo wrestler and trotted off silently, picking his teeth with a pencil.

Gosh, GB! I have never heard of such a phrase. How can a sumo wrestler handle such a delicate instrument as the nipple? :-)
Randall: Ah, that bastard! Yes, indeed, he was a big one, although part-Viking.

Lord Likely: His Lordship's ancestors doubtless participated in their thrashing at Agincourt.

DH: I've seen her photo and she's chilli hot!

Beast: They've got a few bad apples, Beast, but Antoine de Caunes is a sterling fellow.

Mutley: I wanted to see them humiliated, but your devious tactic is obviously more practical. I'm going to recommend you for a position in Sarko's cabinet.

Dr Maroon: You are right, Dr! All European farmers are greedy. Why can't they let the old folks rear their own turkeys and feed them leftovers?

Suzy: Haha! That's why it would be so shocking! It's the last thing you'd expect from a sumo wrestler! For some reason, the man was surprised to see a gorilla speak out in defence of a woman.

Everything you need to know about these animals, the lowest form of primate to walk Planet Earth.
I'd rather have chimps running France - and I know your feelings about chimps - at least they can have a decent bash at Shakespeare. Or Racine, at least. .

Not that I'm biased, or anything. Obviously, in a democracy, oligarchic media-populist demagogues and shameless bourgeois gold-diggers have as much a right to run the country as they see fit as anyone else. Especially since they won the election.
Stupid French electorate.

If the worst comes to the worst - Wallonia can always invade France, maybe on the Russian-Afghanistan 1979 model. To restore Democracy, y'know? - the Belgians are experts.
Oh and on a flippant side-note,
everyone knows that when a Frenchman climaxes, he screams

"C'est Broadway!"

I know, I've been there.
France has nuclear weapons.
It also recognises crimes of passion.
Just what we need, a depressed Frenchman
in charge of them.
Hi! My name is Project 71. Weird name I know, but my masters are weird too. My masters apologize for such an out-of-context comment and they know how painful such spamlike comments are. But, say masters, how else are we to present something good to the world. By that they mean me :D. Kindly see what I am about. Won't take you more than 22s to read... Enjoyy!
And everyone knows when an Englishman climaxes he shouts "C'est Mornington Crescent!"
She isnt thinking about her hands
she is thinking
"why did I marry this puffed up jewish midget"
You're right: in this day of kiss and tell, it would be great to find just one public figure who didn't indulge in this irritating pastime. It may sell plenty of newspapers and magazines, but it makes them look like such asses. Then again, many of them seem eager for the privilege of looking like asses.
Che: You seem to know a lot about them, but Cecilia can't be a gold-digger because she doesn't want to be first lady.

Charlie: He won't be depressed for long. Being president of France is a fun job.

Project 71: Good luck with your project.

Lady Daphne: That's a bit of a mouthful (no pun)! How about: C'est Le But!

Hitch: You appear to have a rather sectarian mentality. Midgets are the salt of the Earth, I've juggled many of them.

Mary: I used to think they only did it for the money, but it seems that many of them enjoy the publicity as well.
I don't remember much conversation but them my memory's not what it was.
Are you admitting you've slept with a Frenchman, Pi?
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