Monday, October 08, 2007

The return of Queen Cate

Wonderful to see Cate Blanchett back in the role of feisty Queen Elizabeth. As well as being a talented actress, she’s a fine example of what is known as an “unconventional” beauty. Essentially, that means you have to stare at her for a while before realising she is ravishing. Such women are invariably more impressive humans than instant lookers of the Catherine Zeta-Douglas variety. I have no doubt that Cate does the most fascinating things in her spare time. She is surely an accomplished tap-dancer and I imagine that she’d give me a decent game of table tennis. I bet she loves poetry too. Can anyone imagine Ms Zeta-Douglas playing ping-pong or reciting poetry? Perhaps one can, but only in an affected, posey sort of way to show off in front of the cameras.

I have always been fascinated by historical movies which show how the humans of a bygone era used to behave. Those Elizabethans certainly enjoyed dressing up! There is much to be said for a society in which men can wear tights in public without being insulted or harassed. The nobility seemed to have a lot more fun in those days: courtiers and ladies-in-waiting playing kiss-chase in the palace gardens; minstrels singing love songs while strumming on their lutes; dandies of all sexual persuasions dancing gaily in their codpieces and ruffs. Wasn’t it inspiring when Good Queen Bess told the Privy Council to stuff their French suitors because she was already wedded to England? Back then, a lady could proudly admit to being a virgin without being mocked behind her back.

Personally, I have nothing against females who play impossible to get. Sexual initiation is not a big rite-of-passage for gorillas, and those who put it off because they’d rather be picking coconuts are not treated with scorn. Dr Whipsnade recently told me about a conversation he had with his friend Lady Chuffington, who has three teenage daughters. Her Ladyship is more or less resigned to the eventuality that her girls will surrender their virtue long before their wedding night. So rather than wasting her breath on extolling the blessings of chastity, she is encouraging them to be selective about the fellow given the honour of deflowering them.

She has advised her daughters that he who is permitted to penetrate their maidenly citadel must first:

(1) regularly kiss them on the hand (a sign of gentlemanly devotion);

(2) allow them to slumber in his arms without trying to cop a feel (asleep or not, a girl always knows when she’s been touched);

(3) join them in watching a movie starring Helena Bonham Carter without attempting to fast-forward to the scene where she exposes her boobies.

It is essential, of course, that the girls do not disclose these hurdles to the first young buck who courts their affection. (I don’t know whether any of you are socially acquainted with the Chuffingtons, but I trust that you will not misuse this information.)

It would be wrong to eulogise females simply because they are virgins though. The Virgin Queen feared that hanging, drawing and quartering the Catholic traitor Babington would be too merciful a punishment. Many innocent children have been painfully cuffed by nuns, who are technically (or sometimes actually) virgins. I myself have had to endure cheeky backchat from any number of virgin gorillas. Heaven knows what their problem is. If you ask me, they need a good seeing to.

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On top of all the rest of stuff you have to get through at a modern wedding though, the last thing you want to be worrying about is losing your cherry that night.

A woman should know what she's getting herself into sexually before committing to marriage too. What if he likes being spanked with Barbara Cartland novels? Not too troubling in itself, and quite easily accomodated, I supoose, but what if he expects it every morning between his boiled egg and his ablutions? What if he's hornier than a horned hormonal hornet after a meal of oysters and saucy talk, and you just can't keep up? What if he doesn't like it much at all and you're left being much too gazey a person with a need for long walks and cold showers that borders on the hysterical?

Sexual compatibility can't be thoroughly tested if you remain a virgin before marriage, no matter how imaginative you are. Do you know, that a lot of teenage girls who pledge pre-marital purity and wear virginity rings in the US regularly take it up the bum because they can still persuade themselves they're technically virgins? I can't remember the percentage of those that do, but there have been loads of studies on such teenagers and the findings are that they're still having sex of some sort at the same rates as technically non-virgin teens. But the thing is, they never get to find out what they like for themselves in regular sex. A whole door has been closed to them, so to speak and its opening on their wedding night is still, needlessly, be a cause of pain and anxiety.

If they choose that for themselves, fine, great! But I think other people push that choice on young men and women for their own reasons. Probably because they haven't had it themselves in years.
I speak of course about the religious twits of this land, particularly in the South.
If you ask me (and sadly, few do), a good seeing to won't straighten out women with a cruel streak, whether they're virgins or otherwise. I can think of quite a few men who give every sign of having had a proper seeing to, and look how much it's done to make them better, kinder human beings.
Lady Chuffington sounds like a wise old bird - I shall unashamedly pinch those 'rules' to pass on to the daughter, who seems to have suddenly become aware of the interelationship between girlies and the opposite gender (and the subtle machinations thereof).
Whilst Queen Elizabeth I was apparently 'The Virgin Queen' I have my suspicions that doublet-ed fellows and their hose(s) were not a complete mystery to her.
Oh, so that's how one can convince a girl that one is in it for the long haul!

I think regular kissing on the hand is a great great great thing!
I think I shall have different rules for my daughter. I really don't think I cold subject her to a Bonham carter movie. First on the list would be; will he run naked though a field to get to you. Meeester was put through that test and passed.
Do you ever wish you were alive on that era and if so, I bet you would have been a romantic but likeable rogue.... :)
Sam: I think smell is very important. Virgin or not, a woman will be sexually compatible with a man whose smell she likes. Unless he has genital warts...or is hung like Ron Jeremy.

Mary: True, it certainly doesn't improve men. Maybe an over-strict Mother Superior might lighten up a bit.

Kitty: I'm sure she'd be delighted to let you borrow her rules. As for Elizabeth II, Robert Dudley may have probed, but I don't think he penetrated.

Sidhu: You have to be sincere as well. Sensible girls can tell when a fellow's acting.

Peach: You are a true lady whose hand I would not hesitate to kiss.

Misssy: I believe that method dates from the Neolithic era. Marriagable men had to be good hunters in those days.

Miss Smack: My dear Miss Smack, I would kiss your fair hand in any era. You don't have to go back in time to be treated like a lady.
What kind of ping-pong?
Thread troubadours' panty hoses and then kiss him the hand to have the right to play ping-pong, it is exactly what I made before marrying my colombine!!
If my memories are precise in the chronology??
I reckon women have been interfered with by the EEC. The same bloody thing happened to our sausages. What infuriates me, Bananas, is that some unelected quango holed up in an office in Brussels thinks it has the right to poke its nose into our sausages without so much as a by-your-leave. They're OUR sausages, not theirs - that's what these EEC buggers don't understand. For more information on my new Keep Your Bloody Hands Off Our Sausages! campaign, visit this:

Don't let 'em ride roughshod over our bloody sausages!
My God !!! There are sausages in England ??
We HAD sausages Crabtree - until those vile devils over at the EEC got their bloody hands on 'em.
Haro! on this done technocrats! They are very talkative and any taste!
Mr B my theory on why virgins are so crabby , is they have too much time to think.... genitalia that is in regular use is constantly demanding attention like a small child , you dont have time to get shirty with everyone else when your gonads are dragging you about shouting 'look look , I want a go on THAT' etc etc.
I'm convinced that they wore so many layers to cover the fact that they never bathed. It makes sense, doesn't it? For every day without a bath, add another layer. It traps the smell in. So sayeth Elizabethan science. And me.
Kara, you are rather funny!

I always wished I could live in the days of the Victorian Era, the roaring 20's, the 50's and also the pioneer days....

If I had a super power I would go back in time.

Kate Blanchett is classic. I would have her over for tea.
Dr Maroon: Neither kind would interest me, Dr. Men often make the mistake of thinking that a woman with a beautiful face must have a gorgeous cha-cha (or even a tasty one). It's never true. A ping-pong ball shooting out of the twat of Ms Zeta-Douglas is something I wish never to behold.

BPP: If you did a bit of research before mouthing off, you'd have taken your complaint to Daphne Wayne-Bough and the other expat Brits actually living in Brussels. Lady Daphne could teach you a thing or two about sausages, my good man.

Crabtree: Hehe! He thinks you are English, Dip Doc. You must end this deception.

Beast: Yes, they need to take up meditation and empty their mind of thoughts. You don't need sex if you can do that. Look at the Dalai Lama.

Kara: No wonder she stayed a virgin. I'd be happy to give any woman a bath as long as she didn't get a Fay Wray complex. We gorillas are not peekers and oglers.

Jahooni: How about going back to the Stone Age and wearing a fur bikini?
Sam: now you tell me!
Here's me giving your readers vital information about how the EEC have our sausages in a stranglehold, and you give me the name of some woman living in the belly of the beast for my troubles! Damn you Bananas! D'ye hear? Damn you!
Indeed. I spent my formative years in the company of virginal nuns and was regularly cuffed for my cavalier behaviour...
I had long suspected one of the chief cuffers to be a large man in disguise. During a sewing class I surreptitiously poked the beast in the breast with my needle as s/he leaned in to assist me.
I believe it was the only good poking s/he'd ever had.
Yet, not a murmur...
My suspicions remain.
Mr. Bananas, I can't believe you've let this rogue BPP and his unbelievable sausage babblings on your blog. How can this happen??

oh, and Sam, I can tell you with reasonable certainty that the wave of evangelical christianity of which you speak relative to taking it up the ass is not exclusive to the south. it's popular to believe that, but it's most assuredly not the case.
you denigrate LOTR below, but eulogise Cate B - one of the stars of the movies - herein. Might I suggest that even an erudite gorilla such as yourself would not hesitate to grab Galadriel from behind? That her elvish ways, living in trees, might be very compatible with the life of a gorilla?
ps.. may I also ask why your blog on cate blanchett has been hijacked by the sausage man? EVERYONE KNOWS THE SAUSAGE ORIGINATED IN GERMANY! Bring out ze bratwurst mein herren und damen, und wie shal haben eine kleine bochwurst party in der Rheinland, ja?
Mister Bpp, I confirm the Lady mentioned by Sir Gorilla is at the top!

Mr Gorilla, I am the English-speaking french of his Ladies! As you are the favourite gorilla of this said Lady? No trick ;-)
Just the interpretation of French thought in Englishman with a suspicion of awkwardness for the fun!
The Elizabethans did used to have a lot of fun didn't they? But the only problem with them was, they stank to high heaven.


- In Elizabethan times baths were not taken very often, but washing of hands and wrists, face, teeth and feet were pretty much done on a daily basis.

(So you could make love to a wrist but I wouldn't recommend undressing the lady!)

- People peed in chamber pots, the contents of which were frequently tipped out of the window.

- Urine was sometimes collected and used as an alkaline for laundry purposes!

Using piss for detergent. Oh God. No, it must have been a really smelly time.
Let's get some facts straight here. The sausage originated in Britain. We have had sausages here for thousands of years. Germany didn't exist until the 1860s, by which time the British sausage was famous throughout the world. A sausage was found buried next to King Alfred the Great and that was ages ago. Germany invented the sausage? I don't bloody think so Fritz!

And would you kindly keep your interfering hands off our bloody sausages in future? You and the rest of that EEC rabble. Hands off!
BPP: I don't think it's called the EEC anymore. If you want to participate in this debate you'd better learn the correct terms, otherwise the Brussels people will think you're an ass. (They may think that anyway, of course.)

Domestic Minx: In your sweet innocence, you didn't realise that a needle cannot penetrate deeply enough for the revenge you sought.

Liv: Crabtree handled him quite well, I thought. Let the March Hares frolic in the fields.

Mermaid: I wouldn't have grabbed her behind - not enough meat on it for a gorilla. Cate was just eye candy in that movie, you can't compare it with her non-elf roles.

Crabtree: Your subtle prose has made fools of us once more.

Emma: I blame it on the end of Roman rule in 410 AD. The hot bath and orgy culture was lost for ever. The British would have nobler things on their minds than sausages if the Romans had stayed.
She murdered my Queen.
Sad,no-friends, cow.
The "never-got-laid" Queen, indeed.

I have a 300 page version of this rant, if you want me to email it to you - just let me know. In annoying PDF too. With pictures and diagrams.
LMAO at tiestb... but to be fair, Mary did try to bump Elizabeth off first.

I too love historical films of this nature and I started to watch the Beeb's new series about The Tudors with great excitement. There do seem to have been some historical liberties taken, like all that naked sex when, clearly from the comments of my learned colleagues above, that sort of behaviour would have been too cold/smelly to indulge. But, in general, the whole Sopranos does history thing seems to be working well for the Beeb as evidenced by the success of this and Rome earlier in the year.

PS, My fave film of this genre is actually Anne of the Thousand Days with the lovely Genevieve Bujold and the sexiest Welshman ever, Richard Burton.

As an aside, I wish Id had the sage counsel of Lady Chuffington sooner. The teenage Miss Cake persists in coming home with her neck and chest covered in toothmarks which tends to suggest that things have progressed beyond hand kissing so I fear it is too late to institute the three point plan now.
I do not envy those from the Elizabethan period. Everyone in those movies looks terribly uncomfortable to me. When it comes to clothes, I'm a big fan of "keeping it simple". My robe goes on and off so fast, it's almost like I'm not wearing anything at all.
What I wonder is the difference between a 'technical' virgin and an actual one?

Do you think all that old guff works on women? Goodness knows I can give it a go. If you advise it o guru I shall try it.

How - by the way - do recognise a virgin gorilla?
Scottish Tourist Board: I believe Mary Stuart had enough sex for both of them. She would have made a good queen of France.

Ms Cake: Richard Burton may have been the sexiest Welshman, but Tom Jones had more sex. Henry VIII was definitely keen on fondling naked women. He was quite explicit about the things he couldn't bring himself to do to Anne of Cleves.

Captain: Yes, I think you're more of a toga man. "Keep it breezy downstairs" would be a good catch phrase for your act.

Mutley: A technical virgin is an envelope which has been licked and sealed without being posted. A virgin gorilla has a slapstick sense of humour and no appreciation of irony.
I always stiffen to attention in the presence of a female monarch.

Especially Queen Victoria. She was a dirty one. Why else do you think Prince Albert got that Prince Albert?

Absolute filth, she was.
Re chamber pots; in Lancashire the chamber pot was called the po - as in Edgar Allen and I have always fancied that our soldiers picked this up in France (maybe not the only thing) from the French word pot.
Whaddya think?
And then there is the derivation of Loo when the French would shout a warning Gardez l'eau before emptying out of the window.
I have met that gorilla - she works at Aldi.. I will try the gentlemanly guff on her...
Après la saussice , le pipi caca !!

Pi , Emmak ,

Imagine Versailles with, permanently, 10 000 persons who relieve in all corners. It is a colossal garbage can...
Imagine Paris without pipes. They make everything on the street. Trees, forever watered, all perish. A nobleman is made make hit by his lackeys, if he does not want to walk in poop. They empty pots by windows, even a king accepted contents on the head. From cities the pestinentielle smell échape who stretches in a dozen km.

"The creation of the bidet is the work of the Parisian meubliers of the century of Louis XV: in this period of profligacy, it was normal that such a necessary instrument appears. It is in 16th century with the arrival of syphilis that a panic fright da pollution, water, physical contact is born which constitutes the collective étuves of Medium Age.

"They think that he becomes dangerous to wash himself. They pass then to the " dry toilet ", that is they change shirt continuously, they multiply the clothes which are in contact with the body, they augment the volume of wardrobes and they abandon has water and in the soap. To wash himself often and absolutely constituted an indication of suspicious morals and the " good society " returned the practice of the bidet to brothels.
Merci bien Crabtree. We inherited a bidet with the house. I like them.
I knew a man who stupidly let two dumbass uni friends come and stay at his parent's house one christmas. The two decided to get lashed early on during the parent's party on Christmas eve, and one of the guys decided it was a good idea to take a beer-fuelled dump in the parent's en suite bathroom. Only he crapped in the bidet, whereupon no amount of flushing could aid the log down the tiny plughole.

The drunk mate came in and apparently said: "don't worry mate, we'll hide it with toilet paper". Which they did.

Only the force of his flushing meant that the bidet's water tank had burst ever so slightly and the water was slowly running...

In time for the stroke of midnight... signalling the start of a 48-hour angry silence and the amount of time the parents had to wait until the plumber came out to their country abode to clear up the flood.

This has nothing really to do with Cate Blanchett. But it goes to show you should rarely trust a french invention. Perhaps Crabtree is right. There's something amoral about something that squirts water up your bum.
Famous French inventions, which have nothing to do with Cate Blanchett:

The guillotine,
The bidet
Sausages, before the germans stole them and presented them to Alfred the great, who had NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE IN HIS LIFE.
Cate Blanchett
I like this blog. I think I will stay here and give mine to someone else. Any takers? It's got pictures of Alan Rickman, but no sausages, sadly. But there are photos of regular English toilets, which I hear the EU are trying to regulate as well.
I'm not a little tipsy, you know Gorilla.

please excuse me, I need to use the bidet.
je suis un trop arrose...
Have a lie down, Mermaid. You know this blog is yours if you want it. Do me a favour. Either use baby-wipes on your botty or get a hand-shower fitted.
"join them in watching a movie starring Helena Bonham Carter without attempting to fast-forward to the scene where she exposes her boobies."

This is a LOT to ask from a young man trying to get laid, but I defer to your better judgment.
I agree that Cate is one of the most ravishing women out there. I thought she made a WONDERFUL Galadriel.
I think to be truly beautiful you have to occasionally look plain and IMO, Cate fulfills this qualification.
My ears were burning. I was going to drop a comment over at BPP's place but I see he hasn't posted anything since July! Too busy going around everyblog else ranting about the EU. Look here, mate, just because some of us are working behind the lines here in Brussels doesn't mean we have gone bush. Elaib is a perfect example.
sorry... how embarrassing.

baby wipes bought and hand shower fitted. should I get a mosquito net too?
Vous avez raison !
Cate Blanchett est bien trop belle ,pour s'égarer !
Trish: You could be right, but a virgin ought to have high standards.

Rachel: I must admit to having a eye for ginger-haired ladies.

Pi: Women who are caught somewhere between plain and beautiful have the most intriguing faces.

Lady Daphne: BPP has posted recently, Lady D, it's just that he doesn't date his posts. It's one of his many obnoxious habits.

Mermaid: Do everything you can to keep your skin beautiful. And there's no need to apologize for your bottom. That sweet round pair of peaches is blameless.

Crabtree: How could she resist being admired by a French tongue?
It's the EEC as far as I'm concerned Bananas. The EEC.
I can't wait to see the movie....i totally fell in love with her in Elizabeth...such a fine actress and such a classic beauty! Reminds me so much of Audrey Hepburn the way she carries herself!
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