Friday, October 12, 2007

The matrimonial market

Is $250,000 per annum a meagre income? I ask because a 25-year-old nymph residing in New York deems it an insufficient salary for the man fit to wed her. This delectable damsel (“spectacularly beautiful” in her own modest words) posed the following query on a popular message board:

I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year… Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who made an average of around 200 - 250K. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock.

On reading this, I felt very relieved not to be acquainted with the young lady. Frankly, I would be ashamed of my inability to give her useful advice. It’s bad enough being asked directions by confused tourists when I’m taking a vacation in London. They have no right to expect a gorilla to know where the Spearmint Rhino club is, but I still feel obliged to say something helpful.

I suppose the first thing to ascertain is whether she is indeed worthy of a husband earning $500,000 per annum. She certainly seems to think so, but her judgement may lack impartiality. To snare a half-million-dollar man, a woman needs more than a pretty face and an attractive figure. She’s got to look good naked as well. Perhaps she ought to have her body examined from head to toe by one of those characters who look for the mark of the Devil on witches. The thing to be especially wary of is an unsightly birthmark on the posterior. It may seem like a trivial point, but a wealthy businessman doesn’t want to see something resembling Papua New Guinea when he’s preparing to mount his wife from behind.

Then there’s the question of how much of the half million she requires for personal expenses. Suppose she negotiates $100,000, which would be generous with free board and lodging. What can her husband expect in return? Sex on demand would be out of the question – a wife is not a whore and deserves the same entitlement to sick leave as other employees. For that amount of money, however, he ought to have the right to see her naked whenever he wants, possibly as an aid to self-stimulation. There must be safeguards, of course. Exhibiting her naked in front of his bodyguards, as the Emperor Caligula did to his own wife, would be unacceptable. He’d have to earn at least a million to do that.

I wish her the best of luck in her quest, but I have to wonder whether she knows what she’s doing. Making deals of this nature requires careful negotiation and a watertight contract. If you want to milk the assets of a prosperous business man, you can’t wait for the divorce to get legal advice. Only by driving a hard bargain from day one will you be adequately compensated for being ogled, pawed and paraded like a trophy. Perhaps she should get an MBA before attempting to pull off such a complex transaction.

Speaking as a gorilla, I have to be honest and say that females who market themselves on the basis of physical beauty do not have a high status in our hairy community. We have a saying:

She who is not fertile learns how to pick coconuts; she who cannot climb trees learns how to forage for berries; and she who is allergic to berries puts on mascara and flutters her eyelids.

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A female only stands a chance if she's a Congo woman, innit, GB. No clothes, all skin and with a couple of fine coconuts added on. How about it? :-)

LOL Suzan - you put me in mind of Baloo the Bear in The Jungle Book!

GB - poor old Papua New Guinea - can it help having an ugly outline?

As for the physical beauty - I've always said it's the person inside that counts ;-)
I may be deluded to believe this, but most of the men I am privileged to know would be fine with Papua New Guinea on the butt, but thoroughly put off by this sort of callous, clinical gold-digging. Though of course, none of the men I know make 500 K a year...
Good to see another young woman steering her ambition in the right direction. At least she's sparing us the " I want to be famous" line and it's cutting straight to the cash.
I earn $500,000 a year and my trophy wife is well worth the money. I know she doesn't love me and is only after me for my money but, after running through the costings with my accountant, she works out cheaper than it would cost me per annum to get the equivalent number of blow-jobs I receive from her off high-class escort girls instead. Us high-fliers didn't get we we are without knowing a few tricks, you know.
GB, I have the feeling you're on track to earn $500k per year marketing your new line of gorilla mascara.
She would haven to be a hell of shag to get her mitts on $500K, not to mention cook, driver, cleaner. Fuck it, it would be cheaper to hire in staff. There I have saved myself a fortune.

I will go out this weekend on the money you have saved me. Thanks GB I owe one. Favour that is not a shag.
To snare that kind of man, she will need to fulfill a number of criteria:

1) The ability to melt the eyes of all men with her beauty

2) A foul, foul mouth in the boudoir, a clean mouth in the abbey and no mouth after kickoff.

3) The sexual prowess of the finest concubine in human history

4) An income of £500,000
Suzy: The coconuts are for eating not for playing with, Suzy. And I like women just the same with or without their clothes.

Sidhu: I like her because she's so open about it.

Kitty: The person inside and her ability to bear children and pick coconuts. You have surely done one and I could teach you to do the other.

Mary: Papua New Guinea might just be tolerable, but the Galapagos Islands would be too much for any man. I find her brazenness comical.

Misssy: I wonder how she currently earns a living. I would quite enjoy being her shrink.

BPP: When your wife divorces you, I'll give you the details of the sex-doll maker I invest in. The latest model was designed for men like you.

Cooper: Gorilla mascara is brilliant white and made of hornet jism. It might not look good on women.

Uncle Norman: Maybe you could rent her for a month with an option to buy in 36 easy payments.

Mosha: You drive a hard bargain, my friend. Paul McCartney needs you on his legal team.
It's a well-established fact that men who earn in excess of $500,000 a year are emotionally-stunted shits, Bananas. And to be fair, what else would I want my gold-digging trophy wife for?
i like to market myself based on my knitting skills, my ability to randomly quote The Big Lebowski in a way that fits into general conversation AND the fact that i can kick higher than average. i know. hard to resist.
and she who cannot flutter her eyelids gets on her knees
you found my ad! how cool! i can add the bit about the coconuts if you think it'll help make me more globally appealing.

Now I know where I have been going wrong GB. I am simply not asking for what I so obviously deserve. Thank you as always for enlightenment and a wonderful, amusing post. x
Why are men after perfection? Perfection is dementing. You cannot respect perfection if your idea of perfection is a woman who will meet your every desire at all times; and you can't live up to perfection if what you want is a goddess. Either way you'll start to feel icky.

We women almost never look for perfection in a man which is a good thing because we hardly ever blahblahhoho.
I don't agree with you about The Galapagos. Chile, say, or the entire Asian continent might be off-putting. But surely The Galapagos would merely provide an interesting diversion.

Kara's comment has restored my confidence. I can kick high too, and I can recite pertinent bits of The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner.
Nice picture - I see you've had an all over shave. Not so sure about the skinny banana in your hand though.

Was she an ex-trapeze artiste or something?
BPP: Ah hah! So you were venting your own envy and malice rather than making an honest confession. I might have expected that from you!

Kara: I'm racking my brains for those Lebowski quotes you work into everyday conversations. It's gotta be one of these three:

"You're entering a world of pain!"

"Don't say people! I'm doing business here!"

"I'll suck your cock for $1000."

Raffi: Yeah, there's always a lower level you can fall to.

Jen: Being good at picking coconuts is all you need to join my band, Jen.

Ms R: And thank you for reading my hokum, dear lady.

Sam: True enough, Sam, but you appear to be changing the subject. The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Mary: Chile would be shocking, I agree. But an island chain would be more spotty, which some men find intolerable. I don't believe Kara knits - she's much too impatient.

Goth: His name is Art Rambo, Goth. Women love him because he's a gentle giant who smells good and doesn't bore them with poetry.
She should write to Paul McCartney. He should still have about half a million a year left after Heather Mills has finished with him.
Oh Dear! I do not know anyone who earns that amount of money - I think she is being ridiculous!! I suggest you apply Mr Bananas - as I am certain you could soon persuade her that there is more to life than money!!
I can't quite get past the picture!
While I have nothing against the young lady selling herself for sex, she should be honest enough to call a spade a spade and tout her body on street corners like any honest whore.
Good luck to the young lady , at least she is being honest. I am sure she will get the partner she deserves.Now that Mr Mutley is on his way to internet millions with his pukka pies deal , you maybe should forward his details to this young lady to peruse
Clearly she'd never survive in the jungle. She is effectively putting a price on her beauty and her looks. I wonder if she has any personality?

(She has since removed the request for a male)
Well it is me! I like coconuts. I prefer large mangos but a lovely pair of coconuts are nice too.

" Put your lime in the coconut and drink it all up" Words of the wise from the late Harry Nilsson.

It's five O'clock somewhere.
Lady Daphne: Maybe she should offer to marry Heather instead. I think she must be off men by now.

Mutley: I think you have more marital experience than I, Mutley. And it can't be long before you hit the big time with all your new business contacts.

Stepping: The picture proves that love conquers all. He loves her and she loves his money.

Anonymous: That's a little harsh. She's offering more than sex. I bet she can cook a mean fillet steak.

Beast: My sentiments exactly. She needs a naive, nouveau riche fellow like Mutters rather than a hard-headed businessman.

Rosanna: I wouldn't mind meeting her. I think she might be unintentionally funny.

Old Tarf: I have listened to that song many times, Tarf. Harry had a great voice, didn't he? I hope your daughter shares your good taste in music.
"Nobody fucks with the Jesus" works in about every situation. Give it a try and let me know how you do.
I often have young ladies proposing to me upon seeing the size of my investments.
"Why buy the cow?" springs to mind...
which makes me wonder, if indeed I made a cool mill a year, would I purchase the pig if all I wanted was a little sausage...

It is a transaction fraught with danger, when the delicacies and complexities of the human fabric are the last things to be weighed up...
And isn't it nice that BPP earns so much considering he let it out that I've been siphoning money out of his marital account for ages? I really feel for his wife because between the rising cost of her haircuts, the 10K or so I take out each month, and BPP's booze we're seriously depleting assets.
It's a sad state we are in when a lovely woman has to rely on a man to make half a million bucks. Hell, if she looked that good, she would make half a million herself as an actress, model or porn star. I suspect therefore she's very average, possibly with strong forearms.
Nothing wrong with letting someone else bring home the bacon. I do that. Although it is a lot less than 1/2 million.

Considering I am retired and My dear lady goes to work .

Although both the Mermaid and her Step- Mother do tend to refer that I am "retarded" not retired.

GB-She does have good taste in music.
Kara: I should have guessed that the Turturro character fascinated you.

Lord Likely: And His Lordship's assets show no sign of depreciating!

Domestic Minx: Minx, dear, you have too romantic a soul to hire a pork sausage. I can think of many worse things than being eaten by you.

Liv: BPP has a lot of seething resentments for a man of means. Perhaps money spent on therapy would be a better investment for him.

Mermaid: I think she just likes the idea of being a housewife. It's not a bad life, really. Obviously it would never work for a hyperactive high-flyer like you.

Old Tarf: What an honour to have a father-daughter combination in my comments! Mermaid has surely inherited your appreciation of fine music. She calls you 'Dad' doesn't she? I would like her to call you 'Pop'.
I just think a large part of life is avoiding things that will make you feel personally icky.
ugh, yuk. Would any guy find this appealing? Poses the question; is beauty worth it? Some sugar daddies don't care, i guess eh?

hmm good post mate.
She might just be taking her wee brother to the water park. He might be only 11. They're growing 'em big some places.
Ha ha! I've just got it! Sorry I'm a bit slow this week. Art Rambo - Arthur Rimbaud - very good GB. And ability to pick coconuts, in the human world would be earning capacity, right? Yes I'm getting the hang of your simian similes now. It's all allegorical isn't it. Like East Enders.

I've taken myself off the matrimonial market. What it would cost a man to invest in me compared to the running time left would amount to negative equity.
Oh dear. And here I am, looking for intelligence, wit, fun and sincerity. (The list is longer, but isn't as easy).
Sam: Does he make you feel icky, Sam? His bottom-wear is more modest than his big sister's, but his boobs are uncovered (and bigger, I bet).

Miss Smack: She's not wife material. A rich man should pay her $100,000 for each baby she produces and leave it at that.

Lady Daphne: You are the leading Bananas scholar, milady. But in you haste to decipher the coconuts you forgot about the berries.

Princess Stef: That's an excellent list, Princess. You are definitely wife material.
Gorilla - I take issue with that! I'd love to be a housewife. Nobody asked me. Men are so judgemental - and they think women are!? If I have career, it's because I'm not a housewife. But blokes say it's because I'm a "high flier type" or a "career woman". If I say I want to get married and have kids and be a home-maker, men think "Shit! She's needy and is only looking for a husband." We women can't win, blokes ALWAYS get the better deal. Blokes who say they want to get married and have kids NEVER get judged by a woman like that. GRRR! A gorilla of sensitivity and erudition such as your good self dear GB should not make snap judgements.
Mermaid, my angel, you're almost too good to be true. Any man who thinks you're needy is an arse. I think I should be your chaperone/matchmaker. Don't marry a bozo, for God's sake. Only the finest sperm are worthy of your eggs. But are you sure you wouldn't get bored being a mother and homemaker?
what a silly tart eh?!
I meant that the man would feel icky if he thought a woman just wanted him for his money. The woman too for that matter.

Perhaps I'm not the best person to argue this. Or maybe I am. Or maybe I'm not. Or maybe...

Anyway, I don't have the time, I have to see a man about his mouse droppings. Seriously.
Since like often meets like. She'll find her "soulmate" of cash and shallowness.
Gorilla, this was a wonderful post! Am keeping it... ;-)
Peach: A lemon tart, I expect.

Sam: It depends on the man, I suppose. Some are so attached to their money that they consider it to be part of their personality.

Trish: I hope so. It would be terrible if she married a man who was in love with her.

Eve: Thank you Eve, keep it for as long as you want!
Wow, here in the Trailer Park all we look for is a man who doesnt bum our last smoke. Time to raise the bar, maybe include having him pay for all of bowling night.
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