Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Friends in the jungle

I have no objection whatever to show business folk coming to Africa to get their picture taken with wild gorillas. Davy Attenborough did so when he was still cutting his teeth as an animal groupie and his career took off as a result. We’re pretty relaxed about humans cosying up to us in the hope that some of our jungle cred will rub off on them.

The latest celebrity to play peek-a-boo with my hairy band was Lisa Kudrow, best known as Phoebe in the comedy series Friends. Things got off to an inauspicious start at the safari camp. I was serving Lisa a drink at the bar when a brash-looking chap invaded her body space and asked a lot of impertinent questions about her financial situation. I later discovered that he was an investment banker. To change the subject, I put my hand on his shoulder until he turned his head in my direction.

“Lisa was the prettiest girl on Friends, wouldn’t you say?” I ventured.

Lisa swished her hand at me in mild reproof, her smile indicating that she was far from displeased with my conjecture. The investment banker glanced at her slyly before answering my question.

“Definitely in the top three!” he said with an unpleasant smirk.

Lisa’s face froze as she emitted a mirthless chuckle, clearly upset by the man’s boorish attempt at wit. She quickly made her excuses and left. My remark was obviously a mistake, in retrospect, but how was I to know the fellow would be such a graceless twit?

Lisa was still sulking when I escorted her to the jungle next day. “Top three! huh!” she muttered angrily, twisting her lips into a snarl. I explained that the man was an investment banker, a breed incapable of moral or aesthetic judgements and intoxicated with the smell of their own farts. I added that anyone could see that she was carrying the show in its last three series – Courtney Cox had lost her looks by then and Jennifer Aniston was as funny as a wet dishcloth. She said nothing, but gave me an appreciative wink.

After taking a few snaps of Lisa cavorting with the youngsters, I suggested that she take part in our weekly tree-dance. This is a great jungle spectacle, comparable to the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace. What happens is that the females grab a tree trunk and writhe feverishly as if giving birth in an upright position. Lisa was a little self-conscious to begin with, but once she got into the rhythm her butt-cheeks moved like a pair of maracas. When it was over, the females gathered around her and rubbed her buttocks in solemn approval. I assured Lisa that this was a friendly gesture between girls and nothing to be embarrassed about. We gorillas always grope with respect for the gropee.

On our return to the safari camp, Lisa told me that she’d been offered the lead part in an adult comedy which required her to appear nude. It sounded like a bad idea to me. There are very few non-grotesque women who can be funny and naked at the same time. (My friend Jungle Jane, who has exceptionally supple limbs, is the exception that proves the rule.) I wondered how to advise Lisa to turn the part down without appearing to belittle the box office appeal of her naked body.

“I doubt the comedy will work after you’ve taken your clothes off,” I said at length. “Men with erections never laugh.”

“They don’t?” chortled Lisa. “Now that you mention it, I’ve never seen a guy with a boner busting his gut!”

My argument must have convinced her because she did indeed refuse the part. It later occurred to me, however, that men with erections do sometimes laugh. I heard them in my circus days, after bringing tipsy girls into their trailers. But the noises they made resembled the gloating sniggers of the Mexican bandit rather than the hearty guffaws of the reveller. That is certainly not the kind of laughter that Lisa Kudrow – or any other droll lady – would wish to inspire.

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The problem with playing the dumb one in a comedy series is that you'll probably be thought of as someone with mild retardation for quite some time. Lisa Kudrow narrowly escaped that fate (the "naive, hippie-type" being only one rung up in the hierarchy) as the resident moron for Friends was Joey. Or was that David Schwimmer? Hell, after about season two the show went into a steep decline and I stopped caring.
you crack me up. now how do I get to come and romp in the jungle?
The 'chuckling while chubbed' observation is an interesting one, GB. I'm trying to remember the last time I stood at attention during a joke.
While i must agree with you that Lisa was one of the funniest, i must say that i think Jen was also very very funny la GB...perhaps i am biased cos i just adore her!

And yes, men do laugh when they full attention ;P
I'm glad I opened the link to Jane's 'place' ;-) when the kids weren't around.
I have just entered a whole new world of meaning for disappearing up my own bottom, or any other ano-genital orifice for that matter, after seeing the full, quite the full, extent of JJ's contortionism.

Now I don't know whether to laugh or cry, or perhaps have another look...

Phoebe was my favourite girlFriend.
I tried that tree dance thing a number of times, but no matter how rhythmically I shook my money-maker, I could never get even a single appreciative butt rub. Perhaps I wasn't doing it right.
Fatman: All the guys were pretty stupid, which was quite sexist when you think about it.

Jen: Come over anytime you like, ma'am, we love a good romp with a human female!

Cooper: The trick is to hear the joke after you've raised the flag.

Sabrina: Oh la! Sabrina has a naughty boyfriend! Or do you tickle him?

Kitty: Jungle Jane says that even a natural-looking pose like that takes a lot of hard work.

Domestic Minx: Jungle Jane was giving girls advice about what to do if they feel peckish between meals. It's a low calorie snack with a savoury taste.

Captain Smack: If you were with female gorillas you wouldn't need to dance to get your buns pumped. They are less respectful and more lecherous towards men.
What happened to Courtney Cox, her light seemed to go out? Something that I suspect will never happen to Jungle Jane, she seems to have firm control of her switch.
Of course men with boners laugh, GB! There is nothing funnier than doing the splits nekkid and simultaneously telling your partner the one about the nun walking into a bar....

Shees. Kudrow sounds like a total fucking amateur.
poor lisa, that same question and that same answer (from a british copper no less) I saw on an interview with her a few years ago in the early Friends' days.

I still think CC rocks
Alrighty then, never seen a better motivation to do my yoga.
Do you think that tree dance would work up North? I need to do something to warm up.
That young girl has a nasty wound on her chest.
I'm intrigued to find that pi and I had the same initial reaction to the photograph: a gaping chest wound. Perhaps we are of an age.
Eryl: Courtney's only asset was being cute. She wasn't as flexible as JJ.

JJ: You've never really told me what doing the splits does for a girl, JJ. I'll just have to imagine, I suppose.

Peach: I saw that interview as well, Peach. Do you remember whose show Lisa was on? Amazing coincidence that it should happen again in the Congo.

Franki: A woman who can master that trick can truly take care of herself.

Missy: Is it cold already in Scotland? Maybe it's time to make friends with the boiler.

Pi: JJ would never show her chest in public. It's decently covered behind her thighs in that picture.

Mary: An age when nice girls didn't inspect themselves with hand mirrors.
Is this for real? Did she really do the dance?

Why don't men laugh with erections?
I must find this out with further investigation. ;-)
I don't think I saw any of this show - is it being repeated any where anytime - it sounds great!

By the way I always laugh in relief if I get a stiffie!
No, I am not so old not to have known about hand mirrors. It was the juxtaposition of crotch and chest that threw me just for an instant. And (shameful to admit, but true), I was not wearing my glasses at the time, hoping to be able to do without them.
Mary I am quite old and often make mistakes but in this case I was kidding:)
give jen a call and when she's ready, we'll come to the jungle together.
"Men with erections never laugh"

Bah humbug

Never gone to a toilet with George Michael I presume?!
Ha-Ha, what a funny story, GB.
Hope you are well. :-)
Jahooni: I think men in that condition are often too distracted to listen to jokes...unless they make them themselves.

Mutley: I think you are laughing too soon...the relief is supposed to happen a bit later.

Mary: A lot of people found that photo puzzling. I believe it to be based on a real event.

Pi: I thought so!

Liv: It will be a pleasure to play with both of you. I'll hire a trampoline!

Goth: Oddly enough, I never have had that honour. It surprises me that he has such a good sense of humour.

Suzy: Thanks Suzy, I'm fine. Good luck with all your exciting plans!
“Men with erections never laugh.” And damned if we laugh in their company!
has horrible flashback to jj doing the spilts on my new polished terracotta floor...... it took us three weeks to break the suction.
I'd beat against her chest, said the gorilla vicar.
“Now that you mention it, I’ve never seen a guy with a boner busting his gut!”
That's true, I'm always the one laughing my head off in bed...only because sex is so funny. You know I would never laugh at a guy for having a little one!
That poor woman has clearly had one tummy tuck too many...
I wanna do the tree dance!

Fuckin' Friends. I don't miss it one bit.
Chickybabe: It depends whether you're laughing with them or at them.

Beast: Next time don't suck it!

Other Dave: A gorilla would not spill his seed in that fashion.

Emma: Laughing during orgasm heightens the does getting cramps in your foot.

Mrs Cake: I think she's filled out a bit now.

Kara: And I'd love to see you do it. Friends wasn't that bad, you're in danger of becoming a comedy snob.
She was definitely not the prettiest!
I love you GB, I really do. Especially for this: "investment banker, a breed incapable of moral or aesthetic judgements and intoxicated with the smell of their own farts."

Take me, I'm yours.
'Friends' dvds are on special offer in woolworth's, maybe because it's on every single satellite channel every single day of the week.

Still think Jennifer Aniston was the best, if only for the infamous hair style.
There is nothng wrong with enjoying the intoxication of your own farts.

This erection business reminded me of a story I heard about Errol Flynn.

Allegedly, he came out to give a speech at some official function with his erection just swaying in the breeze like some mighty birch.

It was his idea of a joke, apparently.

What balls.
Rosanna: Never underestimate the pulling power of the blonde!

Ms Robinson: You are deliciously sweet. The sentence you quoted was inspired by the post you pulled about investment bankers.

Asym42: Would you have chucked any of them out of bed? Apart from David Schwimmer, obviously.

Mosha: Flynn had front, but he was also a bit of a cunt. Sniffing up your own fart is good manners, but getting high on it is uncool.
in danger? shoooot...i AM a comedy snob. you need a membership card to amuse me.
No-one ever laughs when they behold my mighty erection, as they are far too busy being astonished at is sheer size.
Hey GB, look out for me in your cosy mail lair, in about a couple of days or so.
And 'see' you soon. That cuppa in the Congo? Hmmm... :-)
GB, you are the first man, well male, of my acquaintance who has admitted to enjoying "Friends". I thought it was a gel thang. I wouldn't chuck Joey out of bed, he's just what I like in a man - young, good looking and thick as a plank. I can get intelligent conversation from my fellow bloggers.
So very true. Ah, GB, you are so learned. I'd like to look into your ear and check out the party going on inside your head.

Except I'm scared you might crush my head. Not on purpose, like.
Investment banker. Is that rhyming slang?
Kara: Membership cards are good laughter weapons, but I didn't realise you were ticklish.

Lord Likely: That is because you have only ever shown it to humans, M'Lud. A hyena would laugh at it.

Suzy: I've been looking forward to it for weeks.

Lady Daphne: To be honest, I didn't enjoy it that much. But I am quite interested in who would have won the prize for best turned-out filly.

Ms Tickles: I wouldn't crush your head! I have a gentle touch with kittens.

Mrs Table: They used to call themselves "merchant bankers", but changed it because the rhyming slang alternative was becoming too popular.
Until recently, I didn't know that John Cleese was a fancier of lemurs, but apparently he is.
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