Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The secret policeman's earpiece

A pat on the back for the London police officer who wore his radio earpiece while having sex. So devoted to duty was Inspector Masood Khan that he insisted on maintaining contact with the men under him while maintaining contact with the woman under him. As a wild gorilla who has to keep an eye out for snakes when mating with his females, I know just how challenging that sort of multi-tasking can be. I doubt the average human male could satisfy a lady while other men were shouting “alpha, tango, bravo” in his ear.

The sad part of the story is that Mr Khan was later put on trial for “wilful misconduct”, a catch-all charge if ever there was one. The righteous twelve acquitted him, but he still has to face a disciplinary committee for “unprofessional conduct”. He should remind his accusers that the woman he pleasured was two years his senior and had contacted him the day before on an internet dating site. If that isn’t prompt service in response to a call for assistance I don’t know what is. I can’t understand why she wasn’t called as a character witness in his trial.

If he’s dismissed from the police force, I’m going to ask the manager of the safari camp to offer him a job in security. Quite a few of our guests are single women of a certain age, and I’m sure they’ll feel a lot safer with a man of Mr Khan’s calibre keeping his watchful eye over them. He’s clearly the sort of fellow who could cuff a baboon with one hand while massaging a woman’s neck with the other.

The affair reminds me of a joke I once played on my friend Smacker Ramrod, the circus vet. He was a carefree bachelor when I first knew him, regularly returning to his trailer with a buxom wench after a night on the town. I once asked him what he did if the alcohol in his system rendered him incapable of rousing the mamba. Smacker was too honest a chap to deny that this had ever happened.

“It doesn’t matter that much because I’m always up for it after a decent sleep,” he explained. “I never get a hangover and I’m a real broom-handle in the morning.”

I grinned at this revelation. The next time he entertained a woman, I got up at daybreak and sat patiently outside his trailer with my ears wide open. Presently, I heard a stirring and a shuffling, shortly followed by a sighing and a mewing. Without further ado, I rapped firmly on the door.

“Are you awake, Smacker?” I cried.

He grunted and cursed before responding to my inquiry. “What the hell do you want GB?” he barked gruffly.

“I heard some strange noises, Smacker. What ever are you doing in there?”

“Right now, I’m losing my erection!” he snapped, an admission which caused his female companion to titter.

“Well don’t ask me to help you find it!” I quipped.

I strolled away sniggering with his profane reproaches ringing in my ears. Some humans are so tetchy first thing in the morning.

You can’t beat a coitus interruptus gag if it’s done tastefully, without unnecessary voyeurism or actual physical interference. Smacker is now a happily married man and we are separated by thousands of miles, yet thanks to the miracle of modern communications we can talk at the touch of a button. I live in hope of making his mobile phone ring when he’s humping his good lady. I believe the ringtone is Colonel Bogey.

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I'm first. Fuck the comment. I'm first past the velvet rope. I am in blogger heaven.
I guess even primates need a hobby.
The poor Inspector should be commended, rather than condemned, for being on the job whilst on the job.
i wear my radio earpiece everywhere but work. sometimes i put my finger to my ear even when the earpiece isn't there and act like i'm involved in a terrorist take-down mission.
What a moron...but that's kind of hot too!
I can see why you are so pleased. After all, human society is going back, very fast, to the way it was when humans lived in caves and any man mated with any woman he fancied and vice versa, at every available opportunity. That's quite close to what happens among apes, isn't it?
Ms Robinson: You have the zeal of a man-eating tigress.

Tickersoid: Yes, chimpanzees are quite keen on amateur dramatics.

Lord Likely: He's the sort of fellow who might deputize for His Lordship when he's hiding from jealous husbands.

Raffi: And a finger in the ear also lets women know you're available.

Jenny!: Would you let a man make love to you while you were making sandwiches?

Sidhu: No, we only do it to reproduce, humans are far more frisky.
Ah, pillow talk...
It is a favourite tongue of mine.. although my ear is just as diligent..
It is part of my repertoire as accumulator of secrets, amassing and aggregating the things for further use in my position as Agent Minx.
Damn, blown my cover...
I guess I've lost my 00 status now.
Harold used to like to listen to the football on Radio 5 Live on a Saturday while we were having our afternoon nap. That's why I know so much about the offside rule.
Mr Bananas , I dont think this is particularly commendable people are always shouting and throwing things at me when I decide to have sex with them....... it never puts me off , the only downside is the diminishing number of supermarkets , that I am not banned from :-(
I have a friend who claims she can still read her bedtime book whilst having sex with her husband.

But I guess we're into a whole other sphere of sexual problem there, aren't we?
Depends on what kind of meat is going into the sandwich!
I read he met her on the internet... but it didn't say which site -could you do some research Mr Bananas and road test a few sites or ladies for us? If they can stand a silver back they can stand me...
Domestic Minx: You would have surely made a wonderful Octopussy, Dear Minx. Mr Bond would have whispered everything he knew into your fragrant ear.

Lady Daphne: How did you manage to stay awake?

Beast: Is that supermarket dogging? Beast, man, you always take things to extremes.

Missy: There is something rather cool and sexy about a woman who can retain all her mental faculties while being rogered.

Jenny!: Don't change the subject! I want to know whether you can multi-task. Let me know when you've tried it!

Mutley: I wonder if she's your type, given that she seems to prefer burly policemen. Perhaps a dog lover would be more up your street. There are many pebbles on the beach.
I believe Inspector Khan's ringtone is that old NWA ditty "Fuck tha Police" - perhaps you should try giving him a bell.

Easy enough to time, just check out the CCTV at Gatwick
Quite a few of our guests are single women of a certain age

What does that even mean, anyway? And how will I know when I get there? And who will be there to greet me?
I can have phone conversations...while doing it, watch TV and make a you like that!
hahahahah fantastic! What a champion for the cause, and I wonder if she was strangely turned on by it, or turned off that his mind wasn't 100% on the job.

I wouldn't mind at all, personally. He could leave his gun belt on too, while I wear his hat, and what the hell, leave your boots on baby. Bring the handcuffs and let's make a night of it, Officer!
What he doesn't realise is that he's proven that men can and indeed multitask. Without faking it. But can the male population live up to his legacy?
Goth: Did that number even have a melody? I thought it was all bad-ass chanting.

Kara: I expect you'll be married long before you get to that age. Try to avoid getting divorced: no karate chops outside the bedroom.

Jenny!: Now you're just boasting. I can tell this is one thing you've never tried.

Miss Smack: How about straddling his lap in his office while he's giving his men a bollocking on the phone?

Chickybabe: Not without practice. Doing it while playing a video game might be a good place to start.
If Daphne could persuade Harold to tune into Rugby League instead , she could enrich their personal life with a well executed 'up and under' , it makes the pie at half time that much more satisfying.
btw, that mama in the hay is primo property. where can i get one of those?
Um, I'm new 'round here and I'm a good Christian who loves to fuck apes. Know any good bi-ape bars?
Oh you monkey-people. Of course it had a funky beat - like PG Tips on acid
Hi GB,
ever thought of publishing a novel? :)
I had never associated Colonel Bogey's March with humping before you mentioned it. I can't even imagine Alec Guinness horizontal. In hindsight, though, he did seem a bit attached to that riding crop.

What a nice find this blog is (via Diesel's, if you're taking notes). This is the first of continuing visits.
Beast: Ooh, Beast makes a lewd suggestion to Lady Daphne. Is that a breach of blog-comment etiquette? I think it might be.

Raffi: She's like a 16-year-old Halle Berry. Don't think about her too much, it'll kill you.

Commentator: Not many female apes are into men, they find it difficult to master the crouch-and-fuck technique. I'll introduce you to my great aunt if you want, she's up for most things.

Goth: A funky beat? So you'll feel the vibrations if the phone rings in your pocket.

Suzan: I did Suzy, I but much prefer blogging.

Cooper: Than you, Sir, I like your name. If Colonel Bogey wouldn't put you off, you're a better man than most.
"He should remind his accusers that the woman ....had contacted him the day before on an internet dating site. If that isn’t prompt service in response to a call for assistance I don’t know what is."
Still laughing.

Still laughing.
MR Bananas ...Spicing up the marital bedtime , is just one of the helpful advice choices The Beast offers....... concider it less of a breach of ettiquette and more of a public service :-)
Great aunt, eh? Whatever. Does she has a lot of hair?
Poor Mr. Khan. Who knew a bit of hanky panky on the side was a criminal offence? They sure do things differently in London.
Mrs Table: The British police have produced some of the nation's finest comic characters.

Beast: Re your 'up and under' advice, there's an English blogger called Eddie Waring who might interested to hear from you. He's somewhere on my blogroll.

Commentator: Very hairy apart from the Brazilian.

Rosanna: You Aussies are more laid back. Didn't Warnie's shagging just make him a bigger hero?
You are a cruel bugger of a primate Mr B.
Funny, but cruel none the less.
I couldn't help but feel a certain affinity there towards Mr Ramrod.
Same could be said for you as well though.
given a lot of campers' behavior in the woods, peeper should be glad he was in the pacific northwest and not in the south where I reside. he'd-a done got hisself shot up down yonder...
Oh for heaven's sake, that wasnt a communication device but his ipod. Everyone knows a man cannot do anything without a musical accompaniment... Tsk
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