Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Russian girl seeks millionaire

Dr Whipsnade draws my attention to a Russian man who teaches young ladies how to bag a rich husband. According to Vladimir Rakovsky, all men belong to one of three types: the mature man, the eternal bachelor and the little boy. To snare Mr Moolah in the matrimonial net, a woman must adjust her behaviour to his character. For the mature man, she must be the little girl in search of a protector; for the eternal bachelor, she must be the fun-loving teenager who giggles at his jokes; for the little boy, she must be the doting mother who tucks in his shirt. Throw in a few party tricks – like nibbling a banana seductively and doing a few hip-wiggles – and the smitten millionaire will get down on his knee with diamond ring in hand.

Any ape can see that this is the theory of a seminal thinker – a scholar of the works of Count Leo Tolstoy and Corporal Tatiana Romanova. Its simplicity is its genius. Dividing a population of billions into three groups cuts through all the phoney posturing and reveals man as he really is. The nagging worry, however, is the possibility of anomalous men who don’t fit into these categories. It only takes a few such deviants to explode a seemingly watertight thesis, leaving much pickled cabbage on Russian faces.

Let us suppose, for example, that we find men who are strangely attracted to pregnant women. There is nothing girlish about a pregnant woman to attract the mature man. The eternal bachelor would surely run a mile at the very sight of one. As for the little boy, the lasts thing he wants is any competition for his mother’s love. Men who fancy pregnant women simply would not fit into the Rakovskyian system. Do such men exist? I fear that
they do.

So it looks like we’re back to the drawing board. But before all you single ladies pierce your navels in despair, let me tickle your ear lobes with another method of sorting the menfolk. Based on insights gained from years of patient observation, Gorilla Bananas has created his own system of classification. I postulate that the men of the world are divided into three variants: the mimic…the cynic…and the toothpick.

Let’s start with the mimic. He is a man who unconsciously (or possibly consciously) models himself on a hero figure. This could be his father, a great man of history or
Pee Wee Herman. To lure him to the altar, a woman must reinvent herself as the consort of his exemplar. If the role-model is Lord Nelson, she must be Lady Hamilton. If the role-model is Pee Wee Herman, she must be a hand-puppet version of Miss Yvonne.

The cynic is the opposite of the mimic. He has no heroes, because he thinks all successful humans are hucksters and villains. The way to win what passes for his heart is to be an even bigger cynic than he is. But why would any woman bother? The cynic is a lazy poltroon who shuns hard work and rarely has any cash. No level-headed gold-digger would waste time on him unless he had inherited a fortune.

Lastly, we come to the toothpick, the most enigmatic of the three varieties. Here is a man who prefers to spend his leisure time with other men, often in situations where they are packed closely together. His friends are also toothpicks. On encountering them in a group, a woman will find these men dull and rather wooden. But if she can prise one away from his buddies, she will be surprised by his sharp insights and pointed remarks. What kind of woman does such a man want? Very simple: a woman with healthy gums who doesn’t mind being poked after she has eaten.

When I presented my theory to Dr Whipsnade, I’m sorry to say that he roared with laughter.

“Really, Bananas!” he exclaimed, “the search for naïve, tripartite classifications in complex beings is a cognitive dead-end. Whatever next? The tipple, the cripple and the nipple?”

Dr Whipsnade is a brilliant man, but sometimes he talks like a pompous old fart.

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I haven't filled in a new post but just had to visit. :-)
I'm not Russian but can I still bag you, my sexy GB?
I think the first thing anyone would have to do if they were trying to bag Mr Pee Wee would be to dress like a minor.
What a great list but where do YOU fit, GB?
Ah...I suppose you could pursue a Ph.D. on the subject and go on to become, well, Dr. Bananas...

Wow...doesn't look good for out gender does it :(. I'll make a new group, The Awesomes. So far its just you and me GB...but it'll grow.
Mr Bananas , which group do The Sainted Sir Cliff ,the regal Sir Elton and the ever youthful Mr Jackson fit into ???
GB - Interesting points. I wonder where Chaps Like Sir Paul Macca come in. I ask, because I recently had dealings with a chap whose preferences was for amputees. These being in short supply, he had to settle nor often for his second choice, which was pregnant woman. Not in such short supply. His theory was that "At least you know they did the business." His words not mine.
Suzy: I'd love to wear your bag, Suzy, as long as I can take it off if it gets too hot!

Zuba: Ah, but he was cleared of abusing kids. The only proven charge was fiddling with his own Pee Wee in a public place.

Miss Smack: I mimic the ape of your dreams, dear lady.

Sidhu: I've tried to enrol, but my radical ideas terrify the human establishment. I am like Dr Zaius in Planet of the Apes.

Kellius: A lot of men subconsciously model themselves on you, Kel. Alan Sugar did after reading your post about The Apprentice.

Beast: Definitely some variety of boy. Ladyboys perhaps?

Uncle Norman: Sir Paul is a man who likes to be in charge. The guy who fancied pregnant women was his minder, right?
You. naughty. *sniff sniff*
Has anyone else noticed the size of Pee Wee's hands.....Blimey
Loved it. This, preceded by your insight on how to deal with a sex scandal with dignity, have shown that you do indeed have a very competent grasp of adult male behaviour and I shall be following your column closely in future :)
Pee Wee does have big hands...that's kind of creepy knowing what he likes to do with them!

I dont care what catagory you fit can hold me by my ankles anyday!
You are a rather odd individual.
Russian Women seeks Millionaire.

I wonder if she realy wants the Millionaire to be Himalayan and then him a Finnish. As she seems to be her a Russian.

I think Napoleon once said that there were two types of men. One who uses you and one who you can use.
Miss Smack: I would like to smell you. I admit it.

Beast: They get that way if you grope your own arse for an hour every day.

Ms Cake: Why thank you ma'am, I am always pleased to be read by a lady of passion.

Jenny!: You're up for most things, aren't you? Better wear pants rather than a skirt.

Diesel: Odd? In a remarkable way, perhaps.

Old Tarf: Clint Eastwood said the two types of men were those with a rope around their neck and those who dug.
I read this with interest, and I was absolutely astounded to learn that there are men who find pregnant women so alluring. Sadly, these men probably lose a lot of their ardor during successive late-night feeding sessions, after the baby is born. Or at least I rather hope that they do...
I exist in a group of one.

That group is called 'The Perfect Man'.
It is one of the most unfortunate facts of life that, so far, the only perfect man I have met, or at least, you are part perfect, is you GB and you are, alas, a gorilla and unattracted to my hairlessness and relatively small rump.

Your analysis of men, as per usual, spot on. You have hit the toothpick on the head.
I don't want to date any of those. Where's your "exceptions to all stereotypes" section/description?
errm...I know you are my web guru and I always take your advice... bbbuuuttt.....

I think those tooth pick guys might be gay...

also - which one would I be?
I think the Clint Eastwood thing was more like "those with a rope around their neck and those who do the cutting" and later on Tuco get's him back and say's "there are two kinds of men those with a gun in their hand and those who dig" otherwise it doesn't make any sense. I don't know all the words but i've seen the film a few times
Ah, my darling and most hairy friend,

You never cease to amaze me with your sharp wit and your deliciously pointy ended observations of we foolish humans...
It is my own experience, however, that most men will inevitably find one of the Bond girls to their liking. Corporal Tatiana Romanova perhaps, but most certainly Pussy Galore and Alotta Fagina...
Mary: I suspect they like the fertile look. The bulging tummy might create an interesting sensation...

Lord Likely: Queen Victoria would have kicked Prince Albert out of bed had you entered her boudoir.

Emma: You are a tonic for my ego, Emma dear, not that it needs much invigoration. I hope to one day give you a hug that will leave you very breathless.

Kara: Really? Your handsome fella, Mr Kansas, seems like a toothpick to me. I bet you have great gums.

Mutley: You'll be saying Rugby players are gay next! You are obviously a mimic and possibly one that others mimic.

JolietJake: Thanks for correcting the digging quote, but it was definitely Clint who said it to Tuco. The phrase was a recurring motif throughout the film.

Domestic Minx: And some men are turned on by saucy little minxes who have a way with words. Alotta did look inviting in that tub, though!
"Here is a man who prefers to spend his leisure time with other men, often in situations where they are packed closely together. His friends are also toothpicks. On encountering them in a group, a woman will find these men dull and rather wooden."

In other words, Gay.
Were the redoubtable Captian Kirk , Mr Spock and The good Doctor Bones Toothpicks ??? Mr Zulu certainly was
Toothpicks are NOT gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. Gay men are always welcome to visit this blog. Lesbians can book in permanently.
On a completely separate note, we in the Kingdom of Mermedonia were distressed to see that four congolese gorillas were shot in the jungle by cruel poachers. We do hope that none of your family were involved, and send our deepest condolences to your Jungle Kingdom at this time.

With deepest Oceanic regards,

Mermaid of Moorgate

pp King Mer-Tarf of Mermedonia
Also, not all women are after a man's money b/c it is true that there ain't nothing for free.

Call me a cynic.

though, I am going to re-read this post. I sense truly valuable insight here. I really do.

I'm blowing a kiss to you, GB
Agree with Trish...

in the words of Miss-Teeq* (*for those who still remember the 1990s)
..."Spend your money but I got my own cash"

Most women now should be fiscally independent - I don't want to be beholden to a man's wallet. I'm after something else in his trousers.

His tamagotchi.
Mermaid: Those gorillas lived on the other side of the great river, but my heart aches for them nonetheless. Thank you for your condolences.

Trish: Your kisses are always welcome here, Trish, but I wouldn't bother studying the post at any length. It might have an insight somewhere or it might be utter bunk. One can never be certain about these things.

And I so agree that you shouldn't be dependent on a man's wallet. Not unless he really loves you, that is. You and the mermaid are the kind of spunky ladies that a male gorilla appreciates.
errrr..... some Rugby players are kinda gay Mr GB... and some of the Ozzie rules ...
I do not care for Russian women.

I prefer it if they take their time.

I thank you.
No, just stay in the bag honey and cuddle up close. :)
I once developed a classification system for categorizing different types of females. It was perfect and covered all the possible basis. It took me 3 years to formulate and had 17,547 different categories. I had it all written down, but I can't remember where I put it, so now I'm back to using my original system, which only has two categories - "drunk" and "not drunk" (which actually works surprisingly well).
ha Capt Smack, I know a few women, including myself who use that criteria ! :)
As a woman happily shacked up with a toothpick after years of dating cynics and mimics, I feel qualified to slightly extend your classification. (Oh dear, I've split an infinitive there. Sincere apologies.) The cynic category has a sub-category: cats (on the rare occasions they're actually at home, they lie around sleeping, scratching and licking their own ass); doormats (self-explanatory); and twats (also self-explanatory). The mimics' sub-category comprises: grunts (they worship violence and war); runts (little men with little brains and little private parts); and .... well, I'm much too well brought up to use the word, but it begins with 'c', ends in 'ts' and has 'un' in the middle (all women should get involved with at least one of these men her lifetime, then she appreciates the toothpicks when they come along).
Thank you, Mr Bananas, for yet another informative and entertaining post.
Mutley: I dare you to repeat that remark the next time you're in New Zealand.

Lord Likely: M'Lud, the music hall genre surely emanated from your loins, circa 1850.

Suzy: As you wish, my angel.

Captain Smack: Some men divide the drunk ones into "comatose" and "non-comatose", but they're just being picky.

Miss Smack: Would you take advantage of a drunk gorilla? I wouldn't think less of you if you did.

Mrs Table: I can see you've done much field work in this discipline. I'm glad to have entertained you, but any insights on my part were purely lucky guesses. I am the student and you are the mistress.
Not entirely, he isn't. He's a total loner. I'm the one that has to be pried away from others. So if the description only partially fits, does that just make him a 'pick'?

My gums are none of your business, young man.

That was feigned outrage, in case you were wondering.
Hmmm... it's looks like he's an anomaly. Ask him whether he's attracted to pregnant women.
I was giggling at the first paragraph (especially the banana part)... until I read the article. I wonder how many million/billionaires have been snagged by this method...
I think it works best in Russia, Ari.
The communist years turned the women so butch that men are easy prey for feminine wiles.
Ah Tatiana.

You are indeed one of the most achingly beautiful bond girls.
yee gods!
Nice blog.I think it works best in Russia.
Wow...doesn't look good for out gender does it.
With 3 types of men to target, there are sure to be plenty to choose from in the search for a rich husband!
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