Monday, August 27, 2007

The Portland Peeper

Every so often, I receive a piece of news that brings me closer in spirit to my human cousins. This one comes from Oregon, home state of Sassy Miss Kara, the dirty-blond scooter-maid. In a forest campsite near Portland, a man of 63 years lurks next to the ladies’ lavatory, pressing his face against a crack in the woodwork. An alert male camper spots him in mid-ogle and raises the alarm. The peeper flees into the undergrowth, but is chased down by a hunting party. He is frog-marched back to camp and tied to a tree, pending arrival of the gun-toting sheriff.

It is not the activities of the peeping tom that bear any resemblance to the behaviour of gorillas. Everything happens outdoors in the wild, so a female ape powdering her nose is of no great concern to anyone but the insects scuttling below. Even the sight of apes mating is only enthralling to human naturalists who are into that sort of thing. If I happen to pass a male gorilla mounting a female, I give him a polite grunt and hasten on my way (unless he is mounting one of my females, when I punch his lights out).

No, it is the humans who apprehended the miscreant who acted in a manner worthy of their hairy cousins. First, in the robust action they took against an intruder who had violated their sacred taboo. There are times when a bit of mob violence is necessary to disrupt the designs of the lone nut who would bring dishonour to the neighbourhood. But what really made my heart soar like a hawk was their instinctive awareness that the prisoner should be tied to a tree. This is an age-old gorilla custom that is standard operating practice for keeping scoundrels under lock-and-key before deciding upon their ignoble fate.

I myself have spreadeagled countless simians on trees before bringing them to justice. Not for being peeping toms, of course, you have to do something far worse than that to taste bark in the jungle. The most serious offender I ever dealt with was a murderous chimpanzee whose reign of terror had decimated the local chimp population. I mercifully spared his life. His punishment was to be butt-fucked by a kinky gorilla (not me) in front of his former subjects, who jeered and taunted him as his dignity dissolved in rapine. This utterly broke the spell he had over them, allowing me to release him back into the community. We gorillas favour a progressive policy in the rehabilitation of felons.

Although Portland seems like a cold and windy place, inhabited by unhealthily pale humans, I am now tempted to spend a few days there. I won’t live in a campsite, of course – a rented villa in town should be satisfactory. After paying my respects to Miss Kara, I think I’ll visit the peeping tom in his jail cell. Why would a man spy on a woman in a toilet when he could pay a prostitute a few dollars to piss right in front of his face? The answer, I believe, is that he cannot gawp at any woman who is aware of his presence, for fear of provoking her contempt. As a gorilla who has grown quite used to the scorn of his own females – and indeed has learned to enjoy it – perhaps I could give him a few pointers on curing his mental block.

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Yay I am First..........
I think your 'butt-fucking' justice could work on a large percentage of the population Mr Bananas , it may however lead to others to break the law in order to secure some form of sex life , such is the complexity of human sexuality.
I believe there are some who find Eastenders 'Fat' Pat Butcher attractive.........
Of course there's also the legendary case of musician Chuck Berry who would make recordings of ladies visiting the loo in his bar.

Funny how there never seems to be any women caught doing the whole Peeping Tom thing...The only way I could imagine a woman making tapes of men peeing would be in a campaign to discover who it was that left the toilet seat up.
Who wants ot see woman using the bathroom...and what kind of woman are using these nasty bathrooms anyway! Tree bondage sounds like fun...except all the bugs!
I had a 'Tom' once. He also nicked me knickers off the line.
The police caught him 'Sweeney' style and my underwear was saved. Turned out he was our milkman - obviously interested in more than his daily pint!
poor peeping thom, all he had to do is go to youtube to find such beautiful scenary.
Coming here would be a waste of a vacation. I try to tell that to every tourist I see. Though we have good beer and the occasional interesting rock...I'm relatively certain you'd find it lacking in every other way.

However, if you do decide to sojourn to the land of men who wear socks with their sandals...come by for brunch...I FINALLY know how to make bacon.
Has anyone else noticed that picture looks remarkably like pop empresario and X factor guru Loius Walsh......
Beast: The chubby-chaser is indeed an interesting breed - remember Benny Hill in the Italian Job? Having googled this Walsh character, I'd say there was a passing resemblance.

Misssy: Not many women find flashers entertaining either. Some things just look better concealed.

Jenny!: So you've never met a man who wanted to watch you pee? Tell us about it when you do.

Minx: I hope you put your undies in the wash after retrieving them.

Raffi: It's one of the few acts that can be performed without rehearsing. Not my cup of pee though.

Kara: Are you going to keep tabs on the Berkey case so you can fill me in when I arrive? You should write something about this yourself. It happened in your neighbourhood.
Just how much scorn do you like, GB? Do your females put a collar and lead on you and make you sit under the table while they have lunch? Or make you dance for them, dressed in a tutu? I suspect all that chest-thumping hides a secret penchant for a bit of S&M.
I suppose 'chubby chasing' makes evolutionary sense to the less than alpha male of the species. The object of their desires is Too fat to run away from amorous advances , and plenty of adipose 'cushioning' to feed the resulting offspring in times of famine ...... win , win situation
I do believe I agree with your style in dealing with deviants in any society, more buggery by large coconuts, they play rugby well and can also give what for when necessary.
are you sure he has been tied to the tree? I think he is trying to listen to the trees. An old children's book used to say you should wrap your arms around a tree and press your ear up close to hear its secrets.
I tried this once, but all I got was a woodlouse stuck in my ear.
Well, I pee in front of my fiance...but he doesn't get down on all fours to watch!
Your insight into human behaviour is as ever very helpful Mr Bananas. However I was horrified about the desire to watch people pee till I read Jenny!s post....
Lady Daphne: Mostly I like the sarcasm, although I do get sat on from time to time.

Beast: And no need for a rubber dinghy if you're shipwrecked.

Zuba: The pineapple is a more effective buggery tool, but fruits don't often make good rugby players.

Mermaid: I'm a great fan of trees, but I've not yet met one with the gift of the gab. I think you need a dose of reality in the jungle, Mermaid.

Jenny: He wouldn't need to if you did it standing up.

Mutley: I'm sure you'll find many more horrors if you google "women peeing". You could then teach Jenny to pee standing up.
I am bewitched by the mention of your pointers, my hairy friend...
The thought of a little rough justice is almost tantalizing, compelling me to perform my domestic ministrations in a most abominable manner...
I suppose it is something similar to kleptomania. Doesn't matter how much money the kleptomaniacs have...They are compelled to steal stuff they could easily have purchased...
If a peeping tom gets an erection in a forest, and no-one is around, does it make a sound?
it wasn't *quite* in my i live in a city and not a forest...but i get your meaning. however, you've written about it so beautifully...i feel my mediocre commentary would do it an injustice.
I was tied to a tree once, but it never occurred to me that it was supposed to be a bad thing. Thanks for ruining a perfectly good childhood memory.
Sounds like gorillas are much more civilised creatures.
Well, your solution seems to be prgressive, certainly

"I myself have spreadeagled countless simians on trees before bringing them to justice"

That sounds like a euphemism
I could pee standing up just fine...but why??? Water sports I guess is not my thing!
Domestic Minx: I would always find you guilty, dear Minx, but would let you choose your own penalty.

Sidhu: Yes, I think that's what motivates the bottom-pincher as well.

Lord Likely: M'Lud, I believe that only your noble organ announces its elevation audibly.

Kara: Many thanks, Sweet Miss, although I think you underrate you own abilities.

Captain Smack: Tying yourself to a smooth little trunk for a wood-on-wood experience is a whole different thing.

Chickybabe: Some of them, ma'am, some of them!

Mosha: 'Bringing to justice' is nearly always a euphemism...for buggery in this case.

Jenny: I'm sure most men would rather watch you do other things. I'd like to see you ride a pogo stick.
You lazy simian - "Family Aotidae - Gothic monkey"

*falls out of branch laughing*
Why would a man spy on a woman in a toilet when he could pay a prostitute a few dollars to piss right in front of his face?

Hm. For a few dollars more he could taste a pint of her urine. I hear some people get off on this kind of thing.
Hmmmm ... I'm no anthropological expert, but I'd say you must be one of the most interesting gorillas going. Why didn't Sigourney Weaver detail the blog-keeping habits of the gorillas in the mist?

Cool blog. I'll be back.
Yoooze funnee. Actually I saw some of this tree bondage the other night while going for a run. Actually, it was more "dodgy man in a bush" on clapham common. And by bush, I do mean leafy foliage... was it one of your simian colleagues peut-etre?
I thought he was hugging a tree which is something quite different.
Whilst in Oregon you should look up one of my favourite bloggers - Old Horsetail Snake (Gene Maudlin on my side-bar). You won't regret it,
there is plenty of tree bondage at Burning Man, so of course you'd be welcome and it's not too much of a detour even.

(great to meet you)
My boobs hurt just thinking about pogo sticks!
So does my cock Ms Jenny!
I holiday in Portland (thanks, I shall take that pale comment with gusto) but have never seen such a man. Maybe he has camoflage.
Goth: Is Goth Monkey your trademark then?

Fatman: The actress Sarah Miles drinks her own urine - she says it's good for you.

Kitty: Welcome Kitty. Ms Fossey only knew a few uncultured highland apes, but we all revere her nevertheless.

Mermaid: I hope not. Glad to hear you're keeping fit, but I'd advise taking kick-boxing lessons if you're going for nightly jogs.

Pi: Horsetail Snake? That's a good handle. He must be good at swishing flies.

Jen: Hello Jen. That festival really sounds great. I hope you don't get peeping toms.

Jenny!: Better rub some oil on them!

Mutley: I'm sure Jenny doesn't want to hear about your cock. I prefer the old profile picture, it was more mysterious.

Rosanna: You should have a look at Kara's blog. Your skin is great, creamy rather than pale.
LMAO and loving the public butt fucking punishment. You've really cheered me up. Now, if you could just offer me a packet of crisps, everything would be just perfect :)
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