Monday, August 13, 2007

Pony tales

Whoever coined the phrase “fact is stranger than fiction” couldn’t have had a very good imagination. Inspired by the “Bigfoot” legend sweeping through North America, the humans in our part of the world are concocting ever more far-fetched stories to attract the tourist dollar. I suggest they kidnap the UN ambassador’s wife and release her naked in the jungle to start a “Bigarse” legend, but they scoff at my lack of ambition.

It’s my own fault. Ever since I showed them the centauress on EmmaK’s blog (pictured above), they’ve been set on luring men to the Congo with fables of four-legged females who whinny like mares when they are covered. They say it’s a common fantasy of the human male to have wild uncomplicated sex with a woman who won’t judge his performance and gallops off into the distance when it’s over. This may be so, but are there no limits to what people will believe nowadays? Doctored photos of a pony-girl would not have induced Buffalo Bill to rush to the Congo with lasso in hand.

Even if the ploy is successful, I don’t believe they’ve thought through the consequences. Whatever you say about the safari business, it has always been a relatively genteel affair. We have mixed touring parties, including quite a few courting couples, so even the roughnecks among them know to mind their manners and chew with their mouths closed. If we start advertising the presence of these frolicking fillies, the ambience will swiftly degenerate into that of a mining town during a gold rush. Our sublime natural haven will be overrun with unshaven desperadoes, well-versed in the language of the tavern, firing their six-shooters into the air. It won’t be long before gambling dens and whorehouses spring up, corrupting the younger fellows and sustaining the older ones in their lechery. We don’t need that of sort of thing in this unspoiled part of the world.

In any case, inventing cock-and-bull stories to attract gullible tourists is a self-defeating tactic. The Scots milked the Loch Ness monster for all it was worth, but what good did it do them in the long run? Nothing but a lot of off-colour jokes about their parsimonious behaviour. We Africans, who live amid the wonders of Nature’s munificence, have no need to resort to such underhand methods. I will tell my human friends to forget about spreading rumours of neighing nymphs and consider instead the possibilities of cabaret. Let us appeal to the cultural discernment of the connoisseur rather than the unnatural lust of the debauchee.

We could start our shows by getting girls from the local tribe to do their bottom-shaking dance to the beat of the bongo drums. This would be followed a series of top-class variety acts: the tap-dancing chimpanzee, the snake-handling baboon, the squirting bull-frog, etc. For the finale, I would be willing to come out of retirement to perform one of my popular circus acts. Gorilla Bananas has never shirked from pulling his weight to satisfy the nobler appetites of his human cousins. Donning my scarlet pantaloons, I would mime to the greatest hits of Sinatra, Aznavour and other exalted crooners of human folklore. I’d like to see anyone talking about shagging pony-girls after that!

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I think anyone would pay big money to see you in scarlet pantaloons, miming to Sinatra and filling Africe with the sound of music.

Wait, didn't the Lion King already do that?
I couldn't agree more, GB. You made the right choice.

I used to be in a rock band, and we did gigs at parties and small bars. In spite of our ability to rock, things were not picking up as we had expected, and we found ourselves in the unfortunate position of having to choose between breaking up, or coming up with some type of "gimmick". We decided to go the gimmick route, and started playing all of our gigs in the nude.

Within a month we were booked for more gigs than we had time to play, and the audience response was overwhelming. We were so caught up in the adoration and attention we were getting, that it took a while for us to notice that - while the house was always packed - the only people showing up to our performances were older, sexually frustrated, flesh-hungry married women who were only there to see our tight buns and rosy complexions. I eventually became alienated by the whole thing (I'm an artist, you know) and had to quit the band. I was the main songwriter, so once I left, their music style changed direction, and they totally sold out. They even renamed the band, I believe they went with the name "NSYNC" or something.

I sometimes wonder whatever became of those guys...
GB, you so need to bring out a record. You could call it "Songs for swinging groovers" or something. The video could be something like a gangsta-rappa - all gold teeth and women in chain mail hotpants. Move over Snoop-Dog, there's a new cat in town. Well, ape, anyway.
Your set sounds amazing. You can't beat a good lounge singer anyway. But a gorilla lounge singer could really clean up. I second Asym's demand for an album.
it has come to our attention that you are qualifying the Loch Ness Monster ( hereafter refered to as : "Nessie" ) as a "cock" and a "bull". And a "story".
Notwithstanding the dubious scientific basis for a freshwater mammalian/avian hybrid, we surmise your scepticism as related to the well documented existence of shy dragons in our lovely, hospitable country.
You further compound your impudence by casting doubt on the Scottish peoples' legendary generosity.
But worst of all - you disparage the importance of "Nessie" to the Scottish economy, and her continued and sustained contribution to our balance of payments problems. For which we all thank her heartily.
We don't even have to pay her. Put that in yer pipe an' smoke it.
Considering your website is visited by 45,000 potential American tourists a month, we will be seeking damages of roughly 90M $US.
Our legal counsel will be contacting you forthwith.
Tremble in awe of the...

The Scottish Tourist Board

P.S. 20 EU in the post, and i'll make sure the lawyers never get the brief...Scrumpy-the-Temp-Worker
I like the pony girl, and feel extremely wrong for doing so.
We have loads of Pony-Girls in Scotland. And Sheep. Also ghosts, the passive ones and the poltergeist ones. All legal.
Visit Scotland !
Roseanna: Lions aren't the best singers, their range is pretty narrow. But thank you for your confidence in my pulling power.

Captain Smack: I entirely approve of your decision. I believe the band has had some commercial success, but what does that mean to an artist?

Asym42: The video sounds like a good idea but I don't approve of gangsters and rapsters. Such characters get chased up trees in my part of the world.

Misssy: I'll have to take a few singing lessons first, my pipes are pretty rusty. I'm more of a visual entertainer really, but I'll try most things if there's a market for it.

Scottish tourist board: My dear fellow, I'm on your side. Dr Maroon will vouch for the many pro-Scotch comments I have made and the Nessie hoax was exposed in the newspapers, you can't blame me for that.

Mosha: Don't be ashamed. You can think about it, but just don't do it.
Well, i was gonna sue you Bananas, but then realised some of those chimpanzees make mean lawyers.
Their poo-flinging defence strategy is untouchable. Bastards.
Lets arrange an out of court with a symbolic symbiotic flea-eating settlement.

Please ?
Geez, even I think she's a tad sexy and I'm straight.. and um, not into bestiality :)
I suppose the Indian rope trick also falls within that category.

I didn't realise you'd retired. What do you do during the day, I wouldn't have thought they had Post Offices in the jungle for you to hang about in, being obnoxious?

Do gorillas wear slippers?
I think your attempts to attract a better class of tourist are frankly getting desperate GB. This diversification strategy of yours is getting more fantastical by the minute. It is evident that you have got into bed with some private equity boys and you of all people should know it will end in tears. BTW,how is the portfolio doing?
That picture is fucked up...sorry, I couldnt stop staring...I will have to come back and read the words later!
Scottish Tourist Board: Where are you? Has Lady Daphne sent you somewhere for the summer?

Miss Smack: You're not into bestiality, Ms Smack? Not even with a gorilla?

Sidhu: I hear it's a bigger draw than the Taj Mahal.

Goth: I've retired from the circus, but I'm still busy being a gorilla. Why would you think I wore slippers?

Ms Robinson: Haha! My portfolio moves with the market, as you well know, but I've instructed my broker to snap up a few bargains in the turmoil.

Jenny!: Don't be ashamed if you fantasize about riding her.
There are a lot of those dangerous creatures in Dorset as well... it is the radiation I think... Mr GB have you ever considered running for PM?
The "négro-African" history holds numerous feminine faces like Luedji, girl, sister, wife and royal mother, nicknamed Swana Mulunda " Mother of the people Lunda " who, pressed on the historic events of the country Haoussa. Of same Amina who, in the XVth century, always in country Haoussa, conquered lands and cities.
The most former legendary local traditions state an important community in the state of Daoura, governed by queen Daourama, who succeeded nine other queens.
Finally in the XIXth century, are evoked the riders, the iron of lance of the royal troops against Oyo and against the colonialist invaders in the battle of Cana.
These some female figures show the dominating role of the women in the African history. Their heroism struck imaginations, took seat in L ’ imaginary collective and made myths of them.
Not like a hurdy-gurdy stock, pseudo dragon or snake which in a lake, bla bla bla!

It is necessary to protect Africa from the invaders!! And lacher the riders on the heels of the fighters without scruples...
I, personally, am looking forward to seeing your rendition of "Strangers in the night".
I must admit I've come over all withering upon mention of your scarlet pantaloons, my hairy friend.
Alas, all fanciful tales of neighing nymphs and bad manners pale in comparison to the image that now occupies my thoughts...
Are they rampant and bold, of a robust, starched and stiffened fabric, or are they soft as silk, lustrous and voluminous?
Oh dear, I can see I shall be remiss in my dreary domestic ministrations after this...
no, no, no. the legs are all wrong.
Scarlet pantaloons. I'd pay just to see that....
Mutley: You're too interested in politics, my friend. I think it must be the malign influence of Mr Gudo.

Dip-Doc: I agree that African women have a liberated spirit. Kola Boof is another one you might have mentioned.

Kara: A classic! I'd do it as a request for you.

Domestic Minx: They are soft, silky and well ventilated, my dear Minx. A gorilla would never wear tight pants, just imagine how sweaty his legs would get!

Victoria: Welcome, dear lady. Are you a centauress?

Freelance: I'd order a spare pair to give you as a souvenir.
GB- really? Cabaret? And I thought you could attract tourists to the Congo because of its safe, stable political environment.

However, tales of mythical pony-girls are not without some kernel of truth. While luscious equinine babes may not canter through the Congolese Jungle, they can often be spotted trotting down Chelsea High Street, and are known locally as the Horsey Brigade.
Hi GB,
Missed me?
I'm sorry I still haven't been able to post but I will soon.
Thought I'd visit but oh, GB, I couldn't take to the first picture at all. Don't know why but I just couldn't look at it.
with love
It is right Gorilla, but TAKE GUARD!
"the nerve and skill of a hornet".
I want a new religion.
The one our mothers had in the river.
( Miss Boof )

" Behind of the woman is sweeter than the head "
" Who wants some honey has to have the courage to face bees "
Mr Bananas , I find Centuar Woman a little disturbing , The Beast has a golden rule.....never have sex with anything that has more legs or bigger teeth than ones self. It has served me well and saved many an embarrasing injury
Mermaid: The horsey brigade sound like a different species. Faces like horses, but ride on them rather than being ridden.

Suzy: That's alright, Suzy, it can be a bit shocking.

Dip-doc: So you know Ms Boof? Are you on her e-mailing list? I can arrange this for you.

Beast: Be careful not to lose you teeth then! Protect your gums with Listerine and avoid pub brawls.
GB - are you sure? They sound an awful lot like a herd of ponies smacked up on crack.
Trying to suck in tourists has been going on for ages. In 1087 the bones of St. Nicholas were stolen and brought to a village in Italy, in order to attract pilgrims to the region.
Wher would I find such a creature to Just Do It?

Hmm. Maybe Silicon Valley or Venice beach.

It's amazing what they can do with surgery
I always ask myself - what would a Gorilla do? when facing life's conundrums.. I promise you it has served me well as a motto.
Donning your scarlett pantaloons while singing Sinatra. I have an image of this in my mind.
GB, you need to get into miming Cliff Richard tunes. You will find that everyone (except for me of course) will love you for it and i am certain that you will even please your homosexual audience greatly too.
oh for the love of mike.
Mermaid: Ah yes, they make horsey noises as well. But that doesn't make them female centaurs.

Man at pub: The problem with bones is that they attract dogs as well. That's why they were replaced with key rings and pendants.

Mosha: Maybe you should start with an ordinary women who walks on all fours. Practice makes perfect.

Mutley: That will serve you well in many situations, but not when a baboon steals your nuts.

Trish: A gorilla has to soften his appearance when he's miming to love songs.

Jungle Jane: Cliff has the wrong voice for a gorilla, JJ, Tom Jones sounds more like us. I don't mind singing to the gays, but I'd rather have you throw me your knickers if you're ever in the mood.
fascinating woman, GB, reminds me of those mutated frogs they've been finding in Minnesota, Wisconsin, & Texas. Growing extra limbs, sometimes extra gentalia, you know, that sort.

Has she been around any pesticides?, perhaps had some parasitic issues? Ah well, nature always comes up with an answer, I say. Likely there are plenty willing to help her ~adapt~.

As for those scarlet pantaloons, have you a top-hat and cane to compliment them? Or do you prefer the camisole and corset? ;-D

ps~ my, I've missed so very many of your posts, I shall have to read through the night to catch myself up on the latest ~ Truly, your prolific writing is quite admirable; I can never seem to stick to it long enough to make it a daily dose.
My one-eyed trouser monster has become almost mythical around these parts. How the tourists gather to have a good look! Naturally, I charge them ten pounds a go. (Twenty if they wish to touch).
I admire your efforts to keep the safari as high brow as possible.
We could perhaps employ you as a consultant to clean up places like Kings Cross a bit.
You know, get the pole dancers to maybe recite some Pablo Neruda or something whilst they're doing their thang on the polished brass upright.
Mr Bananas , I fear you may be tempting fate , as I recall if Miss JJ throws her knickers.....boy do they stick , it may remove a large and painful lump of your pelt to remove them
Ms Redhead: Welcome back, Ms Red, so nice to hear from you! That female centaur isn't bad for a mutant, but any real man would prefer your womanly thighs. I might wear a loose-fitting waistcoat, but a top hat and cane would be going too far.

Lord Likely: Take care that none of the ladies mistake it for a snake, m'Lud!

Zuba: King's Cross, Sydney? I stayed there once and never saw a pole dancer. I did notice a pretty young woman who seemed to prefer the company of older men. Nothing wrong with that.

Beast: Men have been challenged to duels for lesser slurs against a lady, Beast! The question is academic, for good girls like Jungle Jane don't throw their knickers around.
Looking at that photo suggests the poor centauress must have some terrible curvature of the spine. I hope she receives physiotherapy, or at least gets ridden properly.

i'm sure your crooning abilities alone would captivate and market your tours in ways unimaginable. of course, a female centaur that gallops away without any strings attached just sounds awesome.
Dr Joe: A good massage might help.

Raffi: I'm assuming they gallop away in the aftermath, but who knows? Some may lie down on their rider and fall asleep.
Personally I feel sorry for CentaurWoman. Yes, she is an incredibly sleek beastie but she's obviously still young. Give it a couple of years and she'll be a nervous wreck with two pairs of thighs to check for signs of cellulite!
Exotic pictures, Mr. Bananas.
Visiting Africa has always been a pet dream of mine. Living there would be a fantasy.
In the heart of a tropical jungle, if I could.
Ms Cake: Are you sure about that, Ms Cake? She gets plenty of exercise and does a lot of kicking. Gymnasts always seem to be rock solid in the rump/thigh zone.

Princess Stef: A mountain home overlooking the jungle would be ideal for you. The view would inspire your poetry while the distance would preserve you from the critters. I'd visit you regularly.
Always willing to give the benefit of the doubt, I like yer style GB.
Gorillas live in the jungle...humans live in cities...this is how it should be! Whenever my family starts talking about trekking the Congo in the search of new species I tell them they can easily recreate the experience at home - spend a week in a steaming hot bath and make friends with a few effing million bully beef from the tin and keep your toes wet and soggy in the interests of breeding a new mutant strain of fungus...

I've been lured into jungles before...people really have no business there.

I am now driven to create an elaborate practical joke where a group of Congan natives publicly perform their "traditional music" consisting of various animal noises while they stomp their feet in buckets of substances of differing viscosity. I bet that'll get 'em going!
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