Friday, August 03, 2007

The men on top

Garry Kasparov, the former chess world champion, was at the safari camp last week. What a bore he was! Couldn’t stop talking about how President Pootikins was destroying democracy in Russia. Eventually, a guest from the north of England said:

“If he’s that sodding bad, how come you’re not in Siberia with a chessboard wedged between your arse cheeks?”

That shut Kasparov up, the big-nosed upstart.

One thing I’ve noticed about human politicians is that the worst ones are adored by the masses. German maidens fainted in the presence of Hunky Hitler, who drove the goose-stepping hordes into a frenzy of hero-worship. Comrade Stalin’s death was mourned by toiling peasants, browbeaten workers and quite a few he sent to the gulag. Chairman Mao was a living god who inspired nubile young women to fight for the privilege of squirming beneath his sweaty blubber. Humans love a ruthless strongman who doesn’t take crap and makes the trains run on time.

I instinctively sympathise with leaders who have to endure the endless moaning of their people. I’m used to getting nagged by my females so I know how they feel. It’s lonely at the top. You rack your brains for new ways of keeping the mob entertained. You hire chimpanzees to teach the infants how to crack nuts. You organise raiding parties to chase marauding baboons up the trees. And what thanks do you get? The ungrateful swine complain about wasting resources and needlessly antagonising baboons – the same baboons who would shit all over them if they ever got the chance.

At least we gorillas don’t have to worry about sex scandals though. The last one I remember involved that blind British minister who managed to find his way into the knickers of an American journalist, possibly without the aid of his guide dog. His comeuppance arrived when the woman fell pregnant and he arrogantly claimed to be the father. It turned out that he wasn’t. Far from paddling up a private channel in the Americas Cup, his sperm had been swimming in a crowded field in the US Open. What an extraordinary ass the poor fellow made of himself!

A leader who fools around in office should behave like Matti Vanhanen, the prime minister of Finland, who dated a single mother after his divorce. Not content with having her kebabs skewered by the head chef, this shameless hussy wrote a kiss-and-tell memoir after the affair had ended. She spared no detail, describing the prime minister’s preferred mating positions along with the yodels he emitted at the finale. Yet Mr Vanhanen didn’t deny a single word or attempt to discredit the woman. A dignified silence was his only reaction when the snivelling dogs of the media tried to embarrass him. As a result of his manly discretion, 9596 Finnish women have volunteered to bear his child with no strings attached. In my view he should oblige at least 1542 of them.

Politics is unfortunately a dirty game. The sad fact is that we primates behave badly in a crowd, snarling and grimacing and yelling offensive chants. Anyone with the job of pleasing the multitude is bound to dirty his hands. The good leader is one who realises that he is engaged in a form of crowd control. Provide them with decent facilities and let them have their fun – but if they start getting rowdy, don’t hesitate to send in the riot squad to hit them where it hurts.

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Something about authority. Give a man it and even the ugly ones turn bearable. The hormones set feminism back about 200 years.
I wouldn't mind a ruthless strongman ruling my country, if he can actually make the trains run on time.

But if the chessboard was shoved up his arse, wouldn't all the pieces fall off?
Oddly enough I do not find Kasparov attractive. However back when he was their man at the UN and then as he was made French Prime Minister without even being elected I had the most outrageous hots for Dominique de Villepin.

They've died down now he's struggling.
I always kind admired Robin Cook for the way in which he actually married his mistress after the scandal rather than doing a Cecil Parkinson and standing at the garden gate with the forgiving wife.

I admired even more the fact that he was able to mate not once, but twice, given his ginger Homunculus type appearance.

Quite remarkable.
What would a riot squad consist of in the Animal Kingdom?
Decimation is the only answer - it works for me, and I work in a nursery.

Playgroup can be rough.
Drama Queen: I don't blame females for being attracted to the boss, but they shouldn't flirt with tyrants, it only encourages them.

Sidhu: Commuters have always been the power base of the dictator.

Goth: The pieces would get shoved into his rectum first. There are no soft measures in Siberia.

Aunty: A quite normal reaction, Aunty, there's no point mating with a has-been.

Misssy: Didn't Sir Cook complain that he wasn't getting enough sex from his first wife? Too much from his second, obviously.

Kara: Big furry beavers.

Flying rodent: Infants? Arrest the lot of them, daub their faces with chilli paste and watch them lick it off.
I am all for capital punishment, myself.

Everyone in London should be thrashed soundly with a slipper.

For once, I am speechless.
That shut Kasparov up, the big-nosed upstart.

His nose isn't actually all that big, so I fear there's a trace of nastiness creeping into your discourse here, GB. Kasparov's father is Jewish but his mother isn't; nonetheless, Putin's henchmen have used anti-Semitism in their smears against him, as has always been typical of those lovable 'anti-Nazi', 'progressive' Soviets.
Well isn't that just typical. Beavers are always doing the dirty work.
Ha-Ha, this post is so funny.
Of course, gb, there's no way you'd have to worry about sex scandals. You lot are pretty open and brazen aren't you. Just don't let the Congo basin put you on an Interpol list for lewd behaviour and the like. :)
It is true.
A little power goes straight to a man's head...often both of them simultaneously, which doesn't work, obviously...
Lord Likely: Everyone, m'Lud? You have a strong egalitarian streak.

Miss Cheese: Heh! Are my political views that shocking?

Foot Eater: I never knew his non-Jewishness was an issue. As for his nose, it's the first thing I notice when I look at his face. I'll be more sensitive about it in future.

Kara: Some of them have cooties and do more harm than good.

Suzy: That's right, Suzy. Refusing sex is a scandal in the jungle!

Domestic Minx: I'm sure you know how to massage a man's ego, DM.
The only thing separating man from beast is a conscience I suppose...but not in all cases.
GB - I wonder if in years to come people will look at Kasparov and say that he had a chequered career?
Where would he keep all the chess pieces if the board was up his butt?
So which would you prefer oh lordly one? David Cameron or Gordon Brown? My seduction attempt relies on you...
Angelissima: Underwear is a more reliable way of separating men from beasts. I am a beast with a conscience.

Uncle Norman: Great chess players often have a psychological need for enemies, real or imagined - look at Bobby Fischer.

Jenny: The queen is a good nose-picker.

Mutley: Why should I care? Those who have strong negative opinions about either man are subversives who must be exposed. Starting with your friend Gudo.
Hey, I been around, some crazyness going on with my blogger Acc, damn Google!
Ok. I'm back. In a few days i'm going to re-upload all my blogs. You've brought me back. I am the Hulk Hogan of BLOGGING!

Ok, maybe not the hulkster, more like Ric Flair....

either way i'm back! Watch this space...
Kel, man, I'm thumping my chest in joy! Believe me, there is no one who can blog like you. I know because I've been looking for a Kel.2 since you left and he doesn't exist. You need to clone yourself in case you get killed. And get a bodyguard as well. Having just one of you is too risky.
snarling and grimacing and yelling offensive chants

Sounds like parliament question time on ABC TV.
"Far from paddling up a private channel in the Americas Cup, his sperm had been swimming in a crowded field in the US Open."

Beautiful sporting imagery there GB, beautiful. I didn't know Congolese Gorillas knew so much about the life of American millionaresses who live in the Hamptons. Is there something you are not telling us?

As for the Finnish minister... I would not have been surprised if the kiss-and-tell woman had faked most of it, probably thinking to herself..."are you Finnish-ed yet?"

Ho ho ho... sorry... I'll let myself out.
It warms my cockles to hear tales of such staunchness from Vanhanen.

Lesser men would blush and weep, but no - not Matti.

I wonder how Lembit Opik would react if that Cheeky Girl dumps him and shamelessly writes her filthy ramplings on the toilet walls of the modern tabloid?

Not like Matti, I'll bet.
mr. vanhanen acted very non-politician by telling something called the truth and accepting the situation. i wouldn't feel threatened by a tell-all novel regarding my mating rituals. i'd actually wait for the sequel as i inseminated all my fans.
Ultra - I don't think the Cheeky Girl would be able to pen anything more embarrassing than the man himself. Did you see him on Have I Got News For You a while back, trying to rise to the level of humour and erudition put forth by the inestimable duo Merton and Hislop? Pathetic. What an utter loooooooser.
Zuba: Paul Keating did it with wit. I remember him saying: "Cos I want to do you slowly, mate!"

Mermaid: I know more about American sport than American women, but if you find me that intriguing we can always meet.

Mosha: It's very masculine behaviour, James Bond never discussed his conquests. Women love it.

Raffi: Revealing mating positions is one thing, but repeating the yodels is going too far. Who hasn't yelled something embarrassing when they were jizzing?
A Commissioner here in Brussels who got caught with his pants down (literally - the photos were plastered all over the German tabloids) and played the Vanhanen gambit: it worked. He's still here.

And no, it wasn't Mandy.

I rather fancy Kasparov. I like men with big noses.
Done. Wats the dealio?
Talking of Britiesh ministers- Shirley Maclaine coyly claimed to have had an affair with one - way back. You are very knowledgable about these things and I wonder if my guess was correct?
He was a heavy smoker and made phut phut noises.
I'd forgotten about that, brilliant line though!
Have you ever heard of E.H Carr? He has alot to say about primates ruling the earth.
Gary is a heart throb this end of the world and I bet he knows what to do with his big nose.
To be conquered discreetly is every womans dream?

Lady Daphne: It's so much more dignified than denying it or making a public apology. Is it easy to kiss a man with a really big one?

Pi: Shirley Maclaine has claimed a lot of things, remarkable woman that she is. Phut phut noises are quite common so I wouldn't hazard a guess.

Zuba: I wonder what he's doing now.

Rosanna: Really? I thought he wanted Communists to rule the Earth. His ideas are not very popular with the great apes.

Ms Gap: It's actually crooked rather than big, I don't want to libel the fellow.

Mosha: Discretely, but also very masterfully. You are anticipating a forthcoming post!
Don't know, but there is a musical about him
here's a review
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