Friday, August 03, 2007
The men on top
Garry Kasparov, the former chess world champion, was at the safari camp last week. What a bore he was! Couldn’t stop talking about how President Pootikins was destroying democracy in
“If he’s that sodding bad, how come you’re not in
That shut Kasparov up, the big-nosed upstart.
One thing I’ve noticed about human politicians is that the worst ones are adored by the masses. German maidens fainted in the presence of Hunky Hitler, who drove the goose-stepping hordes into a frenzy of hero-worship. Comrade Stalin’s death was mourned by toiling peasants, browbeaten workers and quite a few he sent to the gulag. Chairman Mao was a living god who inspired nubile young women to fight for the privilege of squirming beneath his sweaty blubber. Humans love a ruthless strongman who doesn’t take crap and makes the trains run on time.
I instinctively sympathise with leaders who have to endure the endless moaning of their people. I’m used to getting nagged by my females so I know how they feel. It’s lonely at the top. You rack your brains for new ways of keeping the mob entertained. You hire chimpanzees to teach the infants how to crack nuts. You organise raiding parties to chase marauding baboons up the trees. And what thanks do you get? The ungrateful swine complain about wasting resources and needlessly antagonising baboons – the same baboons who would shit all over them if they ever got the chance.
At least we gorillas don’t have to worry about sex scandals though. The last one I remember involved that blind British minister who managed to find his way into the knickers of an American journalist, possibly without the aid of his guide dog. His comeuppance arrived when the woman fell pregnant and he arrogantly claimed to be the father. It turned out that he wasn’t. Far from paddling up a private channel in the Americas Cup, his sperm had been swimming in a crowded field in the US Open. What an extraordinary ass the poor fellow made of himself!
A leader who fools around in office should behave like Matti Vanhanen, the prime minister of
Politics is unfortunately a dirty game. The sad fact is that we primates behave badly in a crowd, snarling and grimacing and yelling offensive chants. Anyone with the job of pleasing the multitude is bound to dirty his hands. The good leader is one who realises that he is engaged in a form of crowd control. Provide them with decent facilities and let them have their fun – but if they start getting rowdy, don’t hesitate to send in the riot squad to hit them where it hurts.
They've died down now he's struggling.
I admired even more the fact that he was able to mate not once, but twice, given his ginger Homunculus type appearance.
Sidhu: Commuters have always been the power base of the dictator.
Goth: The pieces would get shoved into his rectum first. There are no soft measures in Siberia.
Aunty: A quite normal reaction, Aunty, there's no point mating with a has-been.
Misssy: Didn't Sir Cook complain that he wasn't getting enough sex from his first wife? Too much from his second, obviously.
Kara: Big furry beavers.
Flying rodent: Infants? Arrest the lot of them, daub their faces with chilli paste and watch them lick it off.
Everyone in London should be thrashed soundly with a slipper.
His nose isn't actually all that big, so I fear there's a trace of nastiness creeping into your discourse here, GB. Kasparov's father is Jewish but his mother isn't; nonetheless, Putin's henchmen have used anti-Semitism in their smears against him, as has always been typical of those lovable 'anti-Nazi', 'progressive' Soviets.
Of course, gb, there's no way you'd have to worry about sex scandals. You lot are pretty open and brazen aren't you. Just don't let the Congo basin put you on an Interpol list for lewd behaviour and the like. :)
A little power goes straight to a man's head...often both of them simultaneously, which doesn't work, obviously...
Miss Cheese: Heh! Are my political views that shocking?
Foot Eater: I never knew his non-Jewishness was an issue. As for his nose, it's the first thing I notice when I look at his face. I'll be more sensitive about it in future.
Kara: Some of them have cooties and do more harm than good.
Suzy: That's right, Suzy. Refusing sex is a scandal in the jungle!
Domestic Minx: I'm sure you know how to massage a man's ego, DM.
Uncle Norman: Great chess players often have a psychological need for enemies, real or imagined - look at Bobby Fischer.
Jenny: The queen is a good nose-picker.
Mutley: Why should I care? Those who have strong negative opinions about either man are subversives who must be exposed. Starting with your friend Gudo.
Ok, maybe not the hulkster, more like Ric Flair....
either way i'm back! Watch this space...
Beautiful sporting imagery there GB, beautiful. I didn't know Congolese Gorillas knew so much about the life of American millionaresses who live in the Hamptons. Is there something you are not telling us?
As for the Finnish minister... I would not have been surprised if the kiss-and-tell woman had faked most of it, probably thinking to herself..."are you Finnish-ed yet?"
Ho ho ho... sorry... I'll let myself out.
Lesser men would blush and weep, but no - not Matti.
I wonder how Lembit Opik would react if that Cheeky Girl dumps him and shamelessly writes her filthy ramplings on the toilet walls of the modern tabloid?
Not like Matti, I'll bet.
Mermaid: I know more about American sport than American women, but if you find me that intriguing we can always meet.
Mosha: It's very masculine behaviour, James Bond never discussed his conquests. Women love it.
Raffi: Revealing mating positions is one thing, but repeating the yodels is going too far. Who hasn't yelled something embarrassing when they were jizzing?
And no, it wasn't Mandy.
I rather fancy Kasparov. I like men with big noses.
He was a heavy smoker and made phut phut noises.
Pi: Shirley Maclaine has claimed a lot of things, remarkable woman that she is. Phut phut noises are quite common so I wouldn't hazard a guess.
Zuba: I wonder what he's doing now.
Rosanna: Really? I thought he wanted Communists to rule the Earth. His ideas are not very popular with the great apes.
Ms Gap: It's actually crooked rather than big, I don't want to libel the fellow.
Mosha: Discretely, but also very masterfully. You are anticipating a forthcoming post!
here's a review