Friday, August 31, 2007

The cuddly princess

A tourist asks me about my plans for the tenth anniversary of Princess Diana’s sad demise. I reply that we gorillas rarely commemorate deaths – that sort of thing leads to fruitless moping, and the ape who mopes without fruit is lacklustre and lethargic. If you’re going to mark someone’s end, pick an enemy so you’ll have something to celebrate. I always pour myself a glass of pineapple juice on the day that “Sawtooth” Mangola exploded after swallowing a diving cylinder in the Congo. He was the biggest, nastiest, ugliest crocodile I ever saw, and his reptilian remains turned part of the river into a handbag-flavoured soup.

Diana’s tragic accident occurred in my final season with the circus. I confess I cried like a baby, although probably not for the princess. Still, tears are tears, and I distinctly remember calling Diana “our chicken”. If you knew how valuable chickens were in Africa you’d realise what a compliment that was. But I have no desire to dwell on the sorrowful events of that fateful day. Leave the post-mortems to the ghouls: we who love life should savour sweet memories of the princess in her prime.

I always admired Diana as one of the foremost cuddlers in public life – and whatever you think of her, she wasn’t the worst person to get a hug from. As she matured as a woman she got quite fleshy about the upper body, and no man or beast could complain about her bosom. Perhaps some were repelled by the mawkish expression on her face, but it wouldn’t have been difficult to change her mood. Picture a young man lamenting some misfortune being comforted by the princess. As she puts her arms around him, he turns his face to her ear and whispers these tender words:

“I’d really love to fuck you.”

Imagine the change in Diana’s demeanour! I am quite confident that unless the fellow resembled a beagle she would have smiled coyly and given him a wink. For the princess was surely la femme qui aimait les hommes. I personally have no doubt that she was excellent in bed. Little things about her suggest as much: the fact that she “adored” the gallants she slept with rather than merely “loved” them; the fact that she teased and flirted with the old buffers who befriended her; the fact that she was fawned upon by Dodus Al Fayed, the playboy who perished by her side. Contrast Diana with the professional lady who refers to her husband as her “partner” and treats pleasantries from male co-workers with sour-faced suspicion. There’s not much doubt which type of woman most men would prefer in the sack.

Now the late princess wasn’t everyone’s blue-eyed girl and people are quite entitled to be cool about her. But don’t condemn her purely because you disapprove of royalty. We gorillas would never make character judgements from a person’s occupation. Did we throw coconuts at Naomi Watts because she starred in that appalling movie King Kong? Indeed not! We knew she was just an actress doing her job and let her groom us like any other visiting starlet. By all means criticise Diana for being a silly floozie who courted the newspapers she pretended to despise. But attacking a princess just for being a princess is wrong. In the wise words of Sheriff Buford T Justice, that’s pure and simple old-fashioned Bolshevism.

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it's quite brilliant over here.

i tend to agree - i was never a huge fan of anything princess but the tragedy of it all mattered...

and i do suppose it was too bad she was never quite into apes. for you, i mean.
I, for one, always treasured the Princess, not being one to throw stones and the like...
I was deep in the heart of Dayak country when I heard the sad news and still remember the utter heartache of seeing her coffin with "Mummy" on it, for I was still called Mummy then...

I think she was an utter Minx, a cuddlesome one at that, and one should certainly not be condemned for that.

I preferred Jessica Lange, by the way. I cried my heart out when I first that particular version of King Kong when I was a little girl...I yelled out in defiance at the movie theatre!!!
It was a moment that defined all traumatic deaths do...
Perhaps that's why I feel such affinity for you, dear Gorilla Bananas.
I am indeed your Fay Wray/Jessica Lange/Naomi Watts...
I'm more concerned about Camilla frankly. Everybody's being so beastly to her.
A fitting tribute for a lovely woman.

I personally would now like to move on, to look forward to the death of one of the more horrific remaining members of the country's first dysfunctional family.
Sad for Diana, yes... even us Americans felt the blow.

BUT You were in a circus?
I think she was hot to trot.
I remember being horrified by her wedding dress. I'd never seen anything so poofy and horrible in my life. Of course this was well after the fact...I think I was two when she married. But still...if a two-year-old can recognize fugly fashion at such a tender age...there's no excuse for the princess.

Did that count as speaking ill of the dead?
can't agree with you more, gb. i often fantasize about cuddling the sweet departed princess as i know it would have been an incredible ride
We lament the passing of both Sawtooth Mangola and the perfectly good air cylinder, Mr. B, and we join you in grieving for the decade-old loss of your fleshy chicken. Our thoughts are with you at this difficult time.
Jen: Are you sure she wasn't into apes, Jen? Will Carling could have been an honorary gorilla.

Domestic Minx: That was so sad, her boys did love her. Minx, dear, if you take a shower on my hand I'll provide the shampoo free of charge.

dh: Don't the boys get on well with her? She seems quite inoffensive to me.

Misssy: Haha! I detect a Scottish accent in that comment. Are there any surviving Stuarts with a claim?

Jahooni: Yes, I was a circus ape for many years. Click on the link in the second paragraph for further details.

Oswaldo: True, but you had to woo her first, she wasn't a tart.

Kara: I think it's OK to criticise her fashion sense, although the wedding dress was probably chosen for her.

Raffi: She certainly wouldn't have turned you down because you weren't rich or an aristocrat. That's what I love about her.

Cooper: Your condolences for our chicken and the oxygen cylinder are gratefully accepted. As for Sawtooth, hell is too good for him.

I turned on TV and all I got was diana memorial tributes and so I turned to t'internet and my sauce of inspiration - the Thinking Apes Man, like HP but different and

there she was....again

she's dead, get over it, please

not another 2,000 years whining about someone who stroked sick people??
I myself found the sentiment too much but as a woman whose male colleagues at uni relied upon to sort out those who were good in bed from the rest, I reckon you're right. She would have been fun and charming.

Back to the sentiment: it is what you'd expect from a nation that still goes on about winning a football match in 1966, no?
As one speaking from the UK, I think many are still divided here - pro/anti Diana. She was what she was - as are we all. Though I agree with Kara - the wedding dress was truly shocking.

What, exactly, did you DO in the circus, GB?
Good in bed. Yet another thing Diana and I had in common then. I wish Id thought to mention that in my piece. LMAO :)
The fact that most people iether love her or hate her , kinda proves she affected a large percentage of peoples lives .Who can ask more from royalty.
People spontaniously lining the motorway hard shoulder throwing flowers as her coffin passed, was an excellent way to go.I am sure the princess would have been pleased to know she 'had it large'.

Oh And I bet she was a beast in the sack :-)
Her death ranks up there with Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison. She will always be known as a RockStar, to say the least!

Wait... we're talking about the bassist from Hole, right?
Goth: People will remember who they want to, Goth. There's a statue of Boudicca in London. Ironic, given that she burned London to the ground.

Ms Robinson: I'm glad you agree she was probably a good lover, Ms R. I was hoping for your authoritative voice on this question.

Kitty: Exactly. It's quite comical how people get so exercised about a woman who had such little relevance to their lives. You can find out what I did in the circus in this post.

Ms Cake: You ought to be good with all the practice you've been having lately!

Beast: We gorillas remained detached from start to finish, Beast. So did the Buddhists. She wasn't a bad girl - except in bed, probably.

Lucy: Was there really a band called Hole? The bassist must have fallen in it.
I don't ever remember being interested in Diana. She never did anything that got my attention apart from OKAY so she did hold AIDS victims hands at a time when people thought you could get AIDS though kissing...but let's be honest, she only became an intriguing figure for me anyway after that crash and all that talk about did the queen have her killed, was she snorting coke in the back of the car, was she carrying Dodi's baby? Other than that she was just some posh thicko with a nice rack and lovely legs.
Disapprove of royalty... but attacking a princess just for being a princess

Oh dear. Do people really feel that way, Mr. Bananas? This is rather horrid.
The title did make up for it, though.
Have you ever thought of marrying a Princess Mr Bananas? I am sure many would appreciate the offer...
I remember her saying that if you can't beat the papers, you may as well play the game (or something along those lines).

It's wrong to condemn her simply on her 'profession' - but there are plenty of other things to have a dig about when you married into that family.
Mr Bananas , I have to correct you on one point, Re the Statue of Boudicca . This Statue is not a celebration but a dire warning of the consequences of the first documented but possibly the worst fit of pre menstrual tension in history.
The girl had anger management issues........
Emma: It was quite funny how people had such strong feelings about her. Aren't you a bit like her physically?

Princess Stef: If anyone attacked you, princess, I would rush to your defence.

Mutley: It's an intriguing idea, but the royal protocol would cramp my style. We gorillas are a pretty informal bunch.

Rosanna: Wasn't she also the Princess of New South Wales? You Victorians could make Julie Andrews your princess.

Beast: She had legitimate grievances, for sure, but she reacted by going on a killing spree. I put you in charge of cracking down on the modern Boudicca cult.
Her fashion sense sorted itself out in her later years.

I got a whisper of that sort once. Turned out he was all talk and no trousers.
I'd vote for Julie Andrews
I felt like a heel watching all the public hysteria over Diana. I wondered if there was something wrong with me for not feeling heartbroken and angry at her untimely death. I felt sorry for her the way I would feel sorry for anyone who died young, but for the life of me, I could not join in the public grief fest. Perhaps I am part gorilla.
Don't really care either way for the Princess. I love hairy apes though!
Mary witzl ~ I feel the same as you ~ Mine is a pity that only hits me as I am checking out my groceries. I guess I just mainly feel sorry for her as I always do for those folk plastered all over the tabloids. I stand in the grocery lines & think, "Thank the good Lord above that I am not one of those folk." I can't imagine the pressure & stress of having your every move paparazzied for the world at large.
Aunty: His eyes were bigger than his trousers, Aunty. He couldn't have been been a blue-collar type.

Rosanna: I forgot that you were a Poppins fan. I was thinking of Victor/Victoria.

Mary: Prince Harry referred to those who must have suffered similar bereavements on the same day. Sensible lad.

Jenny!: You love us? If you visit the Congo, your butt will be the most fondled butt in human history.

Ms Red: A lot of people might envy your life, Ms Red. You've got the things that really matter.
It surprises me not that Kong was not your favourite movie. I guess you're more of an Every Which Way kind of primate.

Yes, to hold down a playboy like Dodi, she would have to have been a regal typhoon between the sheets. I often used to fantasise about Diana and Jill Dando overpowering me - prior to their sad passing, obviously.
Marrying royalty is so outdated, in my opinion. Today's modern woman should focus on business executives and oil tycoons, not princes.
Hi GB,
When you speak of the beautiful Princess Di as a top-class cuddler; are you thinking of her torso by any chance? :-)
Can I give you a can of pineapple juice, first thing, as soon as I see you, GB?
big hug - although I fail misrably in the Diana dept.
Thanks for the imagery, Mr Gorilla. The thought of Diana being a demon in the sack with Charles must be a turn on in your kingdom. Not mine...
Mr Gorilla Bananas, once again bravo!
And such a treat to read your previous post again as well. It was always a favourite of mine as this one will be. Your wisdom knows no bounds.
Germaine Greer said she was no saint. The insight of the woman leaves me breathless. IMO as a young girl Diana got a raw deal but in the end she came through, was a loving mother and did some good. And died in her prime. I didn't have any illusions about her but I cried when she was killed.
My comment has disappeared. I shall now go and sulk!
OOOoh it's back! Sulks over:)
I wouldn't have minded Diana so much if she'd looked and behaved like Czech porn superstar Sylvia Saint. Thank God it was Diana that ended up splashed across two lanes of a Paris underpass and not the lovely Sylvia, eh Bananas? Or don't baboons (or whatever class of monkey you are) go in for that sort of thing?
Mosha: Every Which Way was indeed worthy movie, even though Clyde was only a distant relative. Lucy Lawless is still alive if you're looking for a lady to overpower you.

Chrisv82: Well that's what Anna Nicole Smith did and it still ended in tears.

Suzy: I'm looking forward to the hug, Suzy. You don't have to have Diana's torso to be huggable.

Chickybabe: Why imagine her with Charles, Ms Babe? There were many worthier visitors to her boudoir.

Dr Maroon: Thank you, Dr, it's always a pleasure to greet an old friend. The Robinson Crusoe post was almost two years ago. How time flies!

Pi: Charles should have married Germaine Greer instead.

BPP: I'd never heard of this Saint woman until you polluted our forum with her name. I've looked at a few pictures of her and she looks as common as muck. La Cicciolina was the cultured ape's porn star.
she had a pretty good rack, it's gotta be said.

If she hadn't been wearing a bra, it could have served as an airbag and she might still be with us today.

As it is, she's gone, and I am stalking her son Harry. I'd like him to drive fast into my tunnel.
Raffi: She certainly wouldn't have turned you down because you weren't rich or an aristocrat. That's what I love about her.

who said i'm not rich or aristocratic? just look at my blog, gb... i'm beyond all of that.
People still mourn the death of Jesus years after they found his bullet-riddled body. And He came back to life for Chrissake (important lesson kids- drink a lot of water and eat all your vegetables and you too may shrug off death)!

I've got nothing against Di. Well, she's dead so any hurt feeling will remain in the past. All I can say is that she did a lot of good for mankind...even those that didn't grace her boudoir. She wasn't a heart surgeon or a coked-up musician (though she did make sweet music) but she did her bit to help many, many children in Africa.
Mermaid: Prince Harry? Funny you should say that, Mermaid, because I've been thinking you'd make a good army wife. Ginger Wales is a bit too junior for you, though.

Raffi: That's impressive. But if you're beyond it, you can't be it.

Fatman: Do people really mourn Jesus? I only see them having parties, whether marking his death or birth. I knew you'd be positive about Di. It's the new Fatman after going to the Writer's Festival.
Your worldliness seems to have no bounds. I never would have expected to see a Buford T. Justice quote here, but there you go.
Bananas - I'm not sorry for what I done. Sylvia needed to be drawn to your attention. How d'ye like THEM onions?
I don't like Julie in Victor / Victoria - although 'Le Jazz Hot' is a great song.

My, for a gorilla, you sure are good on your film knowledge.
Ms Redhead, weep with compassion for the Beckhams, who are being given such a rough ride by your American tabloids, and they're such a shy, self-effacing couple too.

Ginger Wales is my kind of guy. Posh, a bit naughty, and a YOUNG MAN. I am sure his mum felt the same about Captain Hewitt. Not that I'm inseminating anything, you understand ....
I for one would have loved to have been in the Princess' arms, which is incidentally also the name of one of my favourite public houses.
OOh... Prince Harry definitely could do it for me. I might stalk him, he's in the junior section of my Stalkers' Guide to Totty, along with Daniel Radcliffe and Lion-o from Thundercats
Captain Smack: Smokey and the Bandit is viewed as an anthropological masterpiece in the jungle. It still gives me the chills when Bandit calls Sheriff Justice "Son".

BPP: Onions, you say? They looked more like overripe melons to me.

Rosanna: You're right, she had to cut her hair short. Julie was never more beautiful than in Mary Poppins. But wasn't James Garner funny in V-V!

Lady Daphne: Having seen a picture of Ginger when he was 3, I don't believe the Hewitt story. He has the equine gene.

Lord Likely: She is one lady his lordship could have knelt down to without demeaning himself.

Mermaid: You're too brainy for Ginger, Mermaid. I think you're more of a Bond girl. You'd be the one he marries, like Diana Rigg in On Her Majesty's Secret Service. You're not cut out to be a bad girl, that's just bravado.
"I think you're more of a Bond girl. You'd be the one he marries, like Diana Rigg in On Her Majesty's Secret Service. "

UM... doesn't she die hideously? Thanks, GB, thanks. Nice to know I have friends....
No, her dissolution was merciful. She took bullets from a surprise attack while travelling to her honeymoon destination. I'd hate to see you wither with age, Mermaid. May you leave us in full bloom.
Can I not attack Diana for being a useless sociolite AND a useless, tax-grabbing 'princess'? I mean, I hate Elton John for being a selfish, loud mouthed oink but would never dare attack him for being a 'queen'. And why not? Because he remebered when rock was damn young. Isn't that really the message we all need heed?
Diana was useless? Not for the people that used her, which includes the millions who followed the royal soap opera. I think there needs to be a detailed cost/benefit study before cutting further public sector jobs.
I suppose she wasn't 'useless' by your stringent definition of the word - she did, of course, create interest, and money for thousands.

However, by my own personal definition, I have this debate well and truly won. I only plead you take my victory as given, and ask no further questions.

Good day.
GB you really need to brush up on your interaction with humans. You appear to have wished Mermaid an early death. I'm sure you didn't mean that. Especially as mermaids never die, being mythological like.
I think Lawless is gay, but I guess that does not preclude an enjoyable overpowering.
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