Friday, July 06, 2007

Job dissatisfaction

Quite a few humans seem to be disgruntled with their jobs. I‘ve recently heard complaints from Sassy Little Kara, Moping Lord Milky and even some of the overpaid cokeheads who come on safari. It makes me thankful for my own career as a circus performer. Entertaining an audience has its pressures, but at least your fate is in your hands. As long as the crowds keep cheering, you don’t have to bother with buttering up the boss or humouring your workmates.

I could do pretty much as I pleased in my off time. I snoozed in my trailer when celebrities came to visit and farted loudly at staff meetings. I flirted with the ringmaster’s wife and conspired with her in intrigues against her philandering husband. I goofed around during rehearsals, pulling off the clowns’ wigs and stuffing them down their baggy trousers. And if the ringmaster ever raised his voice to me, I would cordially invite him to pucker his lips and smooch my big hairy butt – or words to that effect.

So what is a good boss? One who can separate the trivial from the important. If I were in charge of humans working in an office, I’d tell them precisely what they had to do for their payslip at the end of the month. As long as they managed it, I wouldn’t worry about them coming to work dressed as Batman, or discussing the latest vice from Amsterdam, or using sex toys in the office toilets. Caesar said his soldiers fought just as well when stinking of perfume. But if they failed to give satisfaction without good cause, I would not hesitate to bestow the Order of the Boot.

“What of sexual harassment in the workplace?” I hear you ask. “What of it?” I reply. These problems arise from poor communication. I would ask each member of staff to submit a confidential list of workmates whom they fancied. I would then privately inform each employee which of their co-workers they were allowed to grope. Mutual fanciers would obviously be given carte-blanche to molest each other. Problem solved.

Insecure human bosses don’t realise that imposing pointless rules doesn’t earn you respect. Nor does playing the court jester like that donkey David Brent. Your underlings must know that without your guidance they’d be floundering like seal pups before the cull. As well as being superb at your own job, you’ve got to make them aware that you’d be better at their jobs as well. Once in a while, the shrewd manager comes out of his cubicle and fills in for one of his minions, flaunting his superior admin skills and flashing his stylish accoutrements.

The one thing a team leader can never tolerate is treachery behind his back. I once left a young gorilla in charge of my band when I was away on a cruise. When I got back, I found that the coconut stash had disappeared and two females were pregnant. I chased that hairy rascal right out of the jungle. He would have starved if he hadn’t found some ostrich eggs, which he managed to steal at the cost of having his arse hairs pecked out. On returning to the forest, he wisely never showed his ugly face near my patch again. I celebrated my rout of the interloper with a gala chest-thumping party. An ape does good business when he rids himself of a turd.

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Workplace eejets, it seems my bosses just love employing and keeping them ( myself excluded of course ).
I really wonder about their sanity sometimes.

I got tagged, now you got tagged :)
You must have some weird and bizarre facts about yourself? Apart form the ones you've already mentioned ;)
See my post for rules.
What a delightful picture of an ostrich. Love it.
So it's you fancying yourself as a boss now, GB?
And as for being a mere circus performer, in my book, you're a class act! :-) A star act, my friend.
Good grief Bananas! I have told you that I do not work, I am undercover.

It is rubbish though.
R.E. “Fresher”
You mean to call me a Johnny-come-lately, a neophyte? You are truly the last word in condescension my dear Bananas.
I want to work in pajamas. "They" won't let me.

Love that ostritch picture. Funny.
I'd be puzzled too if I were that ostrich. Probably more in a general way though. Generally indignant too, I'd be. It'd be fun.
Zuba: Well even idiots need jobs, I suppose. I hope your injuries won't be a problem when you get back to work.

Suzy: Thanks Suzy. I'm a pretty relaxed boss, I model myself on Caesar.

Lord Milky: The serfs will eventually sniff your blue blood, Milky, at which point you'll have to use your riding crop to keep them a safe distance.

Sister Bridgit: Not clear what you're amen-ing, Sister. The price of brevity is often ambiguity.

Mr Ayscoughe-Hussey: I meant no offence. You are a relative newcomer to this blog, although you've got off to a flying start in many respects.

Trish: I'd let you do anything you want in pyjamas, Trish. I'm glad you liked the picture. Ostriches are strange birds and spook some people.
Sam: Sam, honey, you snuck in that comment right under my nose. Ostriches are generally confused, but quickly become indignant if you steal their eggs. They are very possessive about them.
I am the only Master in my kingdom, in short my own owner.

All - with the faith, Mr Loyal, clowns, trapezist and trainer, I thus what a chance can! to put the hand at the buttocks of the owner (honest Madam) to touch the testi... or even to scrape them! those of the clowns. Trapezist and trainer but after laying down it sun!

Et je chante sous la douche !

...Thank you employer thank you Which employer pleasure to work for you One is happy as crazy thank you employer
thank you employer This that you here low facts A day God you will return it
Ha-ha! Talk about humility, GB.
Big hug!
“What of sexual harassment in the workplace?” I hear you ask. “What of it?”

I used to suffer that at the FT. oops, did I write that out loud? Dear me. Anyway, the bosses at the FT thought that Harrass was comprised of two separate words: "Her Ass".

In my first week they told me to take off my clothes. I retaliated by pretending to go over to their desks and ask them a spurious question on a pretext... the reality was I was silently dropping horrid fart-bombs that would linger for a long time after I had wandered back to my desk.

Now I have a wonderful place of work and fantastic co-workers. Unfortunately they now think I am the sexual harrasser - they call me the Urban Cougar.

Ha-ha! Go I rectify, it was only a whim!

At the house it is Mrs. that carries the panties!!

Do I pass the brooms, do I make the dishes and the grub, incredible no??

As for the sexual harassment? My Soft Half tells itself innocent!!She does exactly the ostrich.
You've commented on my blog just in time. I've been looking for a gorilla's insight into issues for so long, that I thought I'd have to give up and settle for a chimpanzee instead.

Loving your work and blog rolling you with admiration!

Thanks for pudenda info.
I'll take injuries over looking like that ludicrous emu at the bottom of your post any day.
Funny thing is, it reminds me of one of my colleagues.....
Am I right in understanding that you ape fellows up the Congo have the many types of nasty illnesses? I would not want to be putting your tiny black fellow me lad up me virgin twat and no mistake!
Thanks for the offer though, you are up there with Cardinal Cormack Murphy O'Connor, but he was after me coal hole, so he was.
But I'll sit on your face if you are willing to give some money to the little starving black babies.
Dip-doc: You may have an exaggerated view of what is possible in the circus, but Madame Dip-doc sounds like a fascinatng lady.

Suzy: A hug from you is always welcome!

Mermaid: Well you're cute enough to get attention, but it seems that slim girls are especially deadly in their production of silent emissions.

Misssy: Thanks Ms Misssy, I shall link you back.

Zuba: A think a few humans have modelled themselves on that ostrich.

Sister: I see you've got the Asycoughe-Hussey habit (ha!) of answering a comment on a different thread to the one it was posted on. For the benefit of other readers, let me emphasize that I expressed no interest in your virgin twat. It is your wrinkly virgin titties that might have some potential in my community of hairy primates.
I think your on to something with the sexual harrassment solution! That would actually work! The only thing that I don't like is using sex toys on the toliet and then trying ot use them on your co-workers...that's just wrong!
Good on ya Mr Bananas you get rid of that turd. A chest thumping party is no fun when yer full of shit.
As long as the crowds keep cheering, you don’t have to bother with buttering up the boss or humouring your workmates.

Pretty much sums up the lawyer biz in America, I should think.

I am constantly being harassed for being sexy.

Such are the woes of a perennially beautiful man as I.
lol @ your commentors. They're hilarious!

I have worked with a psychopath boss before and she was clearly a stubbie short of a sixpack, if you get my drift. She's a freakin' menace. No remorse, no social skills, flirted with all the men, and worse, completely incompetent. It would not have been so bad if she didn't completely destroy the program, but alas, she did and got away with it...... menace.

I left, but I continue to hear the harrowing stories from my remaining friends.
Well, you know, I mean, it's not ALL bad. If it weren't for my trying to avoid occupational responsibilites, I wouldn't be so inspired to keep abreast of Paris Hilton's important contributions to the world of art. 'Sides...working is the only way I can keep my shoe whoreism at a healthy level of aliveness.
That's a different bird to the sort we're used to seeing on your blog, GB. I've got to an age where I would be grateful for a bit of sexual harrassment. Occasionally I bribe the boys in the IT department to pinch my bottom in the lift.
Jenny!: Well a woman of your imagination shouldn't need toys to get co-workers in the mood. I bet you know a few tricks.

Knudsen: You always spot the moral of the story, Knudie.

R. Sherman: No wonder US lawyers are so full of beans.

Lord Likely: Have you ever said 'No' to a bit of harassment, m'Lud?

Ms Smack: Sounds like that woman should never have been given a job. Where I come from she'd be breeding stock.

Kara: Your problem is being in the wrong business, having to be polite to clients and all that shit. If you only got on the stage you'd get paid for insulting people.

Lady Daphne: I'd advise you to offer a 'tip' rather than a 'bribe'. It's no fun for the groper if you're too eager. And wait for the fingerwork before parting with the cash.
"I snoozed in my trailer when celebrities came to visit and farted loudly at staff meetings."
Good grief, Mr Bananas, I've just realised, I WORK WITH YOU. I wondered who that naked hairy guy with the dubious personal habits was. I quite like you and you're obviously a big hit with the younger "lade-ees" but must you keep searching through my hair for lice? I keep telling you, I don't have any.
You work with me, Mrs Table? You must the English woman at the safari camp who plays the part of matron and comforts all the homesick lads. I'm not really looking for lice, I just love the smell of your shampoo.
GB & what you said to Mrs. Table?
Tut-tut now. :-)
My last employment saw me under the gun of a most vile and psychopathic woman who made my existence a living nightmare.

I'd rather work for you, my dear Gorilla friend. I would even allow you to sniff my skin and pluck my lice...

Ms R works at home so has to go out looking for sexual harassment. Should we not - in this era of homeworking - have specially appointed wide boys to go around providing harrassment services so homeworkers can feel part of things?
I would like to know what tunes GB attempts to play whilst farting?

Ooo, and also, at what size does a butt become huge? I have a cute furry butt but apparently you have 'a big hairy butt' - sizes in centimetres please so that I can visualize
Mr Bananas , office politics are a mine field and no mistake, I have to manage a mixed gender team of specialist programmers(they are the supermodel equivalent of their trade) so daily have to deal with tantrums , hissy fits and outragious demands , most of them sexually harras ME (which i return with metaphorical knobs on).
Its all good clean fun , but it would be marvellous if you could fill in for me when i am away and whip the blighters into shape.
Suzy: Mrs Table is an old friend, Suzy, I'm sure she didn't take it the wrong way.

Domestic Minx: Your cheerful face would be a boon to any office, DM.

Ms Robinson: You can hire men to do your housework in the nude, but I think the idea is that you harass them. The Royal Mail should offer women a postal service with harassment for a small extra fee.

Goth: Funny you should mention that, I'll shortly be writing about a chimp who can fart out tunes. My butt is probably two or three times the size of yours.

Beast: I think they should practice on each other before groping the boss, but I like the sound of your team. It would be an honour to lead such a spiritied bunch of humans.
How nice that someone leaps to my defence, Mr G.B.
Suzy is obviously aware that someone as young and stunningly drop-dead gorgeous as I should never be described as a matron. I'm glad that, for once, your blog seems to have attracted a more discerning reader. However, could you give me the address of this base camp. If these young lads need treating for homesickness, I'm willing to give it a go.
Personally I have never felt the urge to sexually harass my co workers. But that has something to do with them all being ugly fuckers.

However, I thought you might like to know that I have just listened to a taped conversation of another chap called GB, who has a band in London. I was intrigued to him say something about having got rid of little rascal called TB.

I cannot say whether offending rascal TB had his arse hairs pulled out, but I will keep listening and inform you should this info come to light.

Do you know in my time I have been asked and accused on numerous occasions of being multiple personalities? It does seem to be a recurring theme with some people. To date I have been accused of being no less than~

T. P. Fuller
D. C. Warmington
Jungle Jane
Oliver Gosling
Peter Hitchins
Lucien Modo
Your good self (that’s you Bananas)
Sister Bridgit

Now how much time do people suppose that I have? By the way, I’m not sure to what end, but last time I looked Old Mr. Knudsen (who is at variance with myself because he says that he is funnier than me, but for some reason dislikes this idea. But hey~ho!) seemed to think I was you, and some other people too. Does no one realise that it is possible to discover who posts what and where?

On another matter, why do you want to speak privately with my good self? Have you some personal problem that requires some discretion? I am all ears.
you may have just solved the bullisht topic of 'sexual harrassment' in a positive and productive way.
I am glad I work for you Mr B!! I have set up a shrine dedicated to you...
Mrs Table: Don't let them go further than resting their heads on your bosom. We don't condone wanton hanky-panky with married ladies.

Uncle Norman: He sounds like an impostor. London, I fear, is full of such mountebanks.

Mr A~S: You should make an e-mail address available for discussion of issues such as the very one you raise in your comment. Airing such matters in public risks creating further storms in teacups.

Raffi: I hope so. People who enjoy touching each other should be left in peace.

Mutley: Wait for an offer of employment before spreading disinformation, you mischievous pooch!
Hooray - GB writes about arses.

Hmmm, that seems like a familiar phrase.....
Be my boss. I'm always groping the wrong people.
I wish you were my boss Mr B; instead I am left with a psycho boss who looks like your ostrich picture.
In nursing you had to remain a little aloof from junior staff - anything else was positively frowned on and later in business I found it appropriate to be friendly and fair but to keep a certain divide. When it gets tricky is when one's business partner wants to be palsy -walsy with staff to the extent of holidaying with them. It doesn't work.
... and you do not know anything about sexual harassment until you have kept a British Toggenburg
Goth: Wait until you read it before passing judgement.

Kieran: A guitar-playing ladies' man is just what we need at the safari camp, although you wouldn't be getting your wages from me.

Miss Cheese: I share you wish. Perhaps when I publish a newspaper it will come true.

Pi: If business partners compete for the loyalty of their staff it is bound to lead to factionalism.

Mr A~H: You are keeping my search engine busy, Sir! It is not clear from your remark whether these animals are victims or perpetrators.
Try bending over to pick up a banana in one of their presence, and you will discover for yourself.
Nobody wants to see me on a staged. Clothed or otherwise. Insulting or otherwise. Well-lit or otherwise. Lordy.

I just want someone to pay me for writing my blog. Is that wrong? I don't think it is.
Huh. One man's sexual harassment is another's idea of getting lucky. Guess which one I think it is??
I am launching a special blog competition with great prizes.. BLOG SMUT AWARDS!!
That list is a great idea.

My bosses are a bunch of blithering idiots who make the barest minimal small talk to maintain some semblence of courtesy purely for appearance's sake.

When they ask me how my weekend was (knowing full well that they don't really care) I usually respond with a nice potted summary.

Next time, I may suggest that I did something unspeakable and see whether they are actually listening..
As you know Fat Sparrow's blog was attacked several times earlier by the same people who have been spamming me for the last week. Call off yer attack mongs Bananas, whatever problem you have its with me not her so leave her out of this.

I know you'll cast aspersions upon my character saying I'm delusional or paranoid and you'll deny all but that act can only get you so far and yer readers aren't stupid.

I didn't come down in the last shower, I know the cycle of abuse when I see it and I don't mean the thing you ride to work on.

I never asked for any of this you started it, let it go we aren't in school anymore.
I work alone mostly, which allows me to work in my underwear, which is nice sometimes. When I did restaurant work, sexual harassment never came up at all, but then everyone was banging everyone, so it sort of worked itself out. I guess it's not like that in most places, and the "secret list" idea is sounds like a good one.
I'm not a boss but I am in charge of 2 humans. I find surprise to be one of my best tools in bringing them up. Good surprises - unexpected ice-cream, trips to the beach etc. and, like any good, tool surprise can be weaponised. Mwahahahaha! - Corrective surprises like suddenly rolling down the back windows of the car on the highway so the resultant wind and noise knocks the heart out of the tantrum by either child - or both. Power windows are a parents' friend. The added advantage is that, after about 5 minutes of breathtaking blast, all the exhilarating fresh air and the quiet in the car following often sends them right to sleep.

Surprise - a good friend to the harried mammy and I can see no reason why the element of surprise shouldn't work in the workplace! At the very least, it shows the boss is bothered enough about his underlings to come up with something other than a screamfest in the corner office, effective though these can be - but not all the time. And bringing the tea-break biscuits is a nice touch too.

People reading this might well think Why, she hasn't the first clue about managing people! And they might well be right. Tactics like long windy car-rides (or seating them in front of the office fan on HIGH will only work if the employees are behaving like children. That almost never happens, I'm sure. What to do if the employer is acting like the child though? I haven't researched this in my housewife model as I almost never act like a child. Cross my heart and hope to die I don't!
Mr A~H: Thanks for epxlaining.

Kara: The blog thing may happen one day but I'd still like to see you on the stage.

Jungle Jane: I'm thinking of making you an honorary gorilla, JJ.

Mutley: I will vote for you in all categories!

Mosha: I suggest something pithy like 'I sat on an ostrich egg'. See whether you get a follow up question.

Knudsen: I have nothing to do with any of this, Knudie. I've been running this blog for 2 years and I haven't suddenly turned into a mafia don trying to victimize other bloggers. I am sorry you have minsunderstood my attempts at humour. I have let you have your say: anything further on this topic goes in the bin.

Captain Smack: That sounds like an interesting restaurant. Question for the day: Is it possible to sexually harass someone you are having sex with?

Sam: This is actually the same tactic used by Mary Poppins and it worked brilliantly. But it depends on your girls looking up to you and not thinking you're naff. It's probably the type of tactic used by supercool, confident bosses.
I want to be more Poppinsy than the great Poppins herself. I already have a carpet bag.
I embrace naffness and make it my own with full orchestral accompaniment and Dick Van Dyke in a supporting role.
"Mutual fanciers would obviously be given carte-blanche to molest each other." BRILLIANT IDEA.

I want to work for you GB! Well, I don't really want to work, but if I had to, all your suggestions make wonderful sense. I know, I know, who cares whether people masturbate in the loos in the lunch hour or shag sheep after work as long as they get the job done.
At last! A decent ostrich picture. Well done sir, and keep them coming.

Office groping is not to be encouraged. I once played footsie with a lady whilst attending a very serious business meeting and things got far too steamy. I very nearly knocked all the coffee cups over.
'Micro-management' is one of the most annoying things that a boss can do, I agree.

Bosses should discuss a project with sub-ordinates, decide upon a completion date and then leave them alone to do their job.
What I want to know is when does fucking with someone's mind technically become harrassment and when does harrassment technically become sexual harrassment?

I mean, is sending our office junior out to see how fast he can run around the block harrassment? Or is that just fun?

And if someone says to you, when you first meet them, 'I want to rip off your head and suck the blood out of your body' harrassment or just creepy? (True story, it happened to me in Tokyo - it was a German guy i was working with. I told him to close his eyes or he would bleed to death. Then I scarpered out of the kitchen as quickly as my little legs would take me).

Anyway, I'm all for harrassment/fucking with people's minds in the workplace. It's good fun.

P.S that photo looks like it was taken just nano seconds before the ostrich went ya.
Sam: Your girls are lucky to have a mum who can jump into cartoon land.

EmmaK: I think you'd be great in an office, Emma. Personnel department, definitely.

Asym42: You must have got carried away. Is "coffee cups" a euphemism?

Sidhu: Yep, I'll go along with that.

LaughyKate: Threatening to rip your head off doesn't qualify as saucy banter, not even in the jungle. You would have been entitled to kick in him in his gonads.
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