Monday, July 16, 2007

Blond faith

Miss Scarlett Johansson has been occupying my mind recently. She reminds me of a young woman I met, many years ago, when performing with the circus in Stockholm. As my act drew to a conclusion, I noticed her staring at me intensely from the ringside. She stood up and stretched out her arms as I passed her on my way to the exit.

“Touch me please, Gorilla!” she implored in a clarion voice, clearly audible through the din of the applause.

I instinctively held out my hand, which she grabbed tightly. It soon became apparent that she had no intention of relaxing her grasp, so I gently prised her fingers away and patted her affectionately on the cheek.

“I can feel it going! I can feel it going!” she exclaimed in rapture as she gazed into my eyes.

“Jolly good, young lady!” I replied, not having a clue what she was on about, but guessing she was better off without it, whatever it was. My intuition proved correct.

After the show had ended, one of the female acrobats, who had spoken to the girl before she left, explained her behaviour to me. The girl had believed that touching a talking gorilla (a magical beast in her eyes) would cure her of an unpleasant affliction. Indeed, she had attended the show for this very purpose. The ailment from which she sought relief was a yeast infection of the vagina – and my treatment had been wholly effective, if unintentional.

Many a human male in my position would have let an incident like this go to his head.
He might have declared himself the prophet of a new cult and summoned the girl to his tent, instructing her in the ritual of the lingam massage. But being a gorilla, I knew better than to fritter away my time in such vainglorious escapades. This was clearly a case of the “placebo effect”, the ability of humans to heal their own maladies through sheer belief. Had the girl prostrated herself at my feet, I would have addressed her as Jesus once counselled the centurion’s favourite concubine:

“Verily, Miss Blondie, it was thine own faith what did it,” I would have said. “Go away and sin no more after first douching thy cha-cha with vinegar water.”

My current preoccupation with Miss Johannson is not purely because of her resemblance to that girl. I was interested to read that (a) she does not believe in monogamy and (b) she gets tested for the HIV infection twice a year. In isolation, each fact would signify little. Taken together, they suggest a lifestyle which carries the risk of something rather worse than a yeast infection. Is she in need of some motherly advice about loving relationships, safe sex and the new
vibrating condom that can give a woman what she needs without the exchange of bodily fluids? Perhaps Barbra Streisand or Elizabeth Taylor might be persuaded to give her a call.

Let us pray that the talented Miss Johannson is not as reckless as she appears and continues to bloom in luscious health like the fragrant rose that she is. But if she does come down with something, I can’t promise to give her my healing touch. Call me selfish, but if I offer my hand to every blond girl who ends up in an STD clinic I’ll never have a minute’s peace. My loyal readers, who are dear to me, would be most welcome to visit me in the Congo if they are feeling poorly. Touch me if you must, but no funny business – keeps your hands where I can see them.


People don't seem to realise that regular testing is no protection from actually contracting some dread disease.
What a thoughtful ape you are, GB.
Have you turned to religion?
Incidentally, I have never warmed to Scarlett and see her as the same chip of ice, as I would, Posh Spice.
So no fun in the Congo? :-)
Goodness me GB, is there no end to your talents? You can even cure itchy vaginas. Wow, I am more in love with you than ever ;)
Does you mouth itch now?
I can hear the Canesten Empire crashing to the ground as I type.

I did always think Scarlette Johannsen was a euphemism...
Good Heavens it's an all-female commentariat!

Pi: Either that or she nobly wishes to avoid infecting others.

Suzy: Plenty of fun in the Congo, Suzy! But I'll have to make you an honorary gorilla before you can party with us!

Emma: That's very flattering, Emma, but I'm sure it was a case of mind over minge. Her mind over her minge, that is.

Jenny!: No, why would it? If you're trying to imply something, Jenny, just say it out straight.

Missy: I would never try to undermine the pharmaceutical industry, I've got too much money invested there.
Is that how you like it??? Did you lick her cunt? Is that better?
I've had a lot of success curing women of their hiccups, but clearing up a yeast infection, that's a real talent.
When I visit you in the Congo one day, my dear Gorilla friend, I will try to restrain myself from pinching your fabulous hairy bottom.
I will rub your lovely tummy instead.
Perhaps some of your magic will rub off on me...

Why am I not surprised it was a circus in Stockholm where you met that girl? My cousins all look like grecian godesses dipped in honey - it's utterly unfair. All those Swedish genes.

I will most certainly visit you in Congo one day, but there will be no monkeying around (ha)
Call me selfish, but if I offer my hand to every blond girl who ends up in an STD clinic I’ll never have a minute’s peace.

God...I feel like such a STATISTIC!
I love that you said CHA CHA!
Jenny: Ha! I'd just eaten lunch and it's probably too salty for a gorilla. Have you ever tasted one?

Captain Smack: I think you could do it, just use some of your Jesus dialogue on them. How does it feel to be the token man here?

Domestic Minx: I'll look forward to it, DM. Don't be shy of using your fingernails, I like a good scratch.

Rosanna: They're tall and statuesque all right, but I prefer women with a bit more attitude.

Kara: The past is past, you're smart now, right? And you know about the vibrating condom.

Miss Smack: Great word, isn't it? It must be in this blog at least a dozen times.
If you're that fucking clever, why does she look nice in the first photo and shit in the second when she's beside you?
Reading your blog has cured me of both scrofula and the piles Mr Bananas - you are truely miraculous, and though I do not worship you as a God, I do consider you as a Guru or a Fount of Wisdom.
Goth: You disappointment me, Goth. I thought you were a soulful kind of guy who could appreciate the beauty within.

Mutley: Thank you, Mutley, but I certainly didn't cure you of piles. Look elsewhere for that deliverance.
I like touching Gorillas, but it's more of an obsessive compulsive disorder thing.

I also break into the houses of Marmosets when they are away on holiday and, sort of, tidy the place up a little
Who hasn't????
vinegar, huh. i love when a women's natural aroma is of vinegar. btw, std clinics are a great place to meet women. not to mention, using the line 'thy cha-cha' always works.
Bugger! I don't have the time to read all this now - wee girl a-pukin' needes lot of cuddles today.

Back in a bit though!
Mr. B,

Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur.


Si AA Ayscoughe-Hussey Latine scias, credas Elvem ipsam etiam vivere?

I'm not sure Scarlett can be the face of Loreal any more after spending time with you GB. You may be able to cure blondes of yeast infections, but you're definitely a fighter, not a lover.

ps. I think the latin someone was looking for earlier was cunni linguis...
Cha-cha is so much more elegant than the other word that Jenny! said. I reprimanded some young men in a chip shop the other night for using language like that.
I've always been a tokin' man.
Apemanblues: I expect a gorilla would allow you to rub his ankles with your chin, but make sure you ask politely first.

Jenny: I can't imagine either Kirk or Picard doing it.

Raffi: Using Old English reassures women. They think you care about their soul more than their body.

Sam: Don't make me wait too long!

Mermaid: Is that what you think? You definitely need to hang out with me in the Congo for a week or so.

Lady Daphne: You'll have to forgive Jenny!, milady. I dared her to use plain language and she can't resist a dare.

Captain Smack: You're tokin' enough to be a white Rastafarian.
Picard could totally have at mine!

Sorry to have offended Lady Daphne...if she caught me out in public she may have to spank me!
"I can feel it going! I can feel it going!"

So much of life is about coming and going. We really are very basic creatures sometimes. I have read though, that it is impossible for a human male to both come and go at the same time. Something to do with the tubing.

There's love on that gorilla's face.
I once touched a talking Gorilla after I took magic mushrooms, just before I saw the bunny rabbit.
Either the lovely Scarlett is a bit too frisky or is a hypochondriac. I hope, for her sake, it is the former. Far more fun that way.
Latin. Chip shops. Spankings. Cha-Cha's. You have it all here, Sir.

I honor you!
It's been a while since I got to swing around in the jungle with some blondes. I still like bananas but I tend to forget where I've put the peel.
Jenny: Lady Daphne would ask her house boy to spank you, which may be more enjoyable all round.

Sam: I think it's compassion, Sam, which is perhaps a type of love.

Ms Robinson: I hope it was me.

Miss Cheese: Perhaps a bit of lesbian loving would settle her down.

Trish: Thanks, Trish, always nice to see you here.

Old Tarf: A round of applause for the Mermaid Daddy! Were I not a gorilla, Sir, I would ask for your daughter's hand in marriage!
I sometimes refer to y manhood as 'the gorilla', and often feel better after touching it, so maybe there's something in this after all.
you're supposed to use live youghurt for that affliction not vinegar.

vinegar is for chips and onions.
Good move, Mr Completely Bananas, persuading young blondes that you can cure them of all their ills by touching them up, I mean, touching them. My dog has acute dysentery, mange and galloping halitosis. Could you come and give her a cuddle?
GB, does this work in the same way as that character in 'The Green Mile'?

He would suck out the affliction and then exhale it into the air above his head. So if you went around relieving the agony of itchy fannies, then you would definitely need to attack that mouthwash on a regular basis.
Mr Bananans , I always knew you would be more affective than knickers full of natural yoghurt.
Now if you could just flick my piles ??? lets see if you can do what preperation H cant
Lord Likely: Your manhood would be an unusually excitable gorilla, constantly poking its swollen head into crevices.

Joiletjake: You can't douche with yoghurt, according to Madame La Fanny of Brazzaville.

Mrs Table: I don't need to persuade, Mrs Table, they already have faith in me. Dogs don't believe in our magic so you'll have to take him to the vet.

Asym42: I'm not as saintly as that poor condemned man. I don't offer to host the evil cooties, they either leave through the nostrils or stay put.

Beast: Print off my profile picture and rub it against your back package. If that doesn't work, try Inca folk medicine.
One should only scratch one's own itch. At least you know where it is. And not have to worry where its been!
Its true I still have pilesMr B11 However - on another matter I was wondering if Ms Johannsenn is tidy in her lady garden?
Old Tarf: True. Itches never stay in one place.

Mutley: She has yet to confide in me on this matter, but I would gues that she is.
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