Friday, June 08, 2007

A woman in full

The jungle is abuzz after a screening of Holy Smoke at the safari camp. The movie has a scene in which naked Kate Winslet embraces nonplussed Harvey Keitel in the parched Australian scrub. He initially rebuffs her, but when she pees on the ground he is overwhelmed with lust and mates with her in a nearby hut. My simian brethren are chattering excitedly about whether this was the first recorded case of a man being aroused by the scent of a woman’s urine.

Unfortunately it wasn’t. After contacting Jane Campion, I learnt that the behaviour depicted was a common-or-garden wee-wee fetish from Dr Freud’s casebook, most probably rooted in a formative childhood experience. You know the sort of thing: boy spies on girl taking a leak at school picnic and files it away in kinky part of brain. Nothing to do with smelling sex hormones and not the biological advance for homo sapiens we were hoping for. How disappointing.

One might ask, nevertheless, why the sight of Ms Winslet in the nude wasn’t enough to make Mr Keitel rise to the occasion. She’s certainly got the body that any male gorilla would admire – broad, curvaceous hips; succulent thighs; breasts heavy with milk. It all adds up to one word, which ought to be the sexiest word you could apply to a woman: fertile. A voluptuous screen goddess like Kate shouldn’t have to powder her nose when she wants a man to oblige her. I bet Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn’t have been asked to piss her co-star into bed.

This brings us to one of the great mysteries of human sexual attraction: the puzzling preference of the human male for waif-like women. A lot of feminist types complain that ubiquitous images of pencil-thin models have created a false ideal of feminine beauty. Yet the plain fact is that most men prefer slim chicks. You can’t blame a fellow for what he finds attractive – the point is to get to the source of the pathology. As usual, these feminists are very good at carping about problems and much less good at devising practical solutions.

Man’s desire for thin totty, as Dr Freud would have explained, must originate from the time of his sexual awakening. Let us start by considering the question of the family au pair. She is an important figure for the pre-pubescent boy – the first unrelated female with whom he cohabits. Is it not true that many of these girls are slender young chits from Scandinavia? Why not hire a buxom filly from Bulgaria instead? Get her to bounce little Johnny on her luxurious lap and clasp his head to her bountiful bosom, so he grows up knowing what a real woman feels like. A boy who’s been cuddled by a queen bee won’t be interested in stick insects.

The message could be reinforced when the boy attains puberty and starts making love to fantasy females in the privacy of his bedroom. Why not encourage the lad’s appreciation of art by giving him a suitable print for his thirteenth birthday? Perhaps one of those masterpieces of fulsome female flesh by the great Titian, which he could put up on his wall and ogle while he’s wrestling with the bald-headed champ. If he’s leering at a luscious lady when he’s firing off his first one, he’ll probably be inclined that way for the rest of his life.

Of course, it’s not my place to lecture human mothers on how to bring up their sons. They’ve got a hard enough job dealing with the surliness and the scent-marking and the soiled bed-sheets. I humbly advance these apish suggestions on the off chance they might help a woman guide her boys around the potholes and foot snares that bedevil the path to manhood.

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While not Rubenesque myself, I thoroughly applaud your appreciation of the womanly figure. In fact, most men I know seem to appreciate a little meat on the bones. I think a curvy girl looks much sexier than a stick insect and am often outraged at the skinny ideal portrayed in the media.
As for my own surly, testosterone laden teenagers, there is a flesh fest beneath their beds so vast that it surely must encompass the world of the Titian goddess. There are several centuries of pornographic literature, at the very least, lurking beneath their soiled sheets.
I do my best although I have been known to guide them, in my infinite wisdom, into a few well dug, immeasurably educational, potholes and foot snares...
Ha-ha! Nice one, GB. A witty post.
I like how the chubby bird in your picture has a clam next to her..err..clam. I note that she is having difficulties with tangled hair - i can only assume that its all that salty sea water causing her bad hair day.

I am curious, however, as to how she managed to keep her muff so neatly trimmed. I hadn't thought that pre-historic chicks had access to grooming products.

Very interesting, GB. I had never thought of chicks with tuck shop lady arms as being desirable. I have gone out and ordered a round of doughnuts for breakfast in order to increase my allure.
I think Rubenesque: therefore I am
That chap who sang Brimfull of Asha was telling it like it is. The sort of man who will turn his nose up at a 38 DD and a couple of love handles is likely to be either obsessed with his public image or a closet gay. Or both.

The lady in that painting has a rather slim figure. Now if you want REAL women, Rubens is your man ....
I applaud your persistant analysis of mating, mating rituals, and naked ladies. I am, however, disgusted by Titian.
Titian's lady has remarkably firm breasts considering the rest of her is a little porky.
As for Kate W. I would be very pleased for her to pee over me, do you think that could be arranged or is it forever to remain a fantasy.
Domestic Minx: What a wonderfully indulgent mother you must be, DM. Your sons' girlfriends will surely treat you like an elder sister.

Suzy: Thanks dear.

Jungle Jane: Don't be so coy, JJ, if you fancy her muff just say it. Give me a call when you've put on some flesh - I'd like to massage you with my big hairy paws.

Ms Robinson: I think you'd have made a fascinating model for any of the masters.

Lady Daphne: She's a bit skinny for a gorilla, milady, but I would have thought there's enough meat on her for the average man.

Kieran: He's got a slightly humorous name though. Were you thinking of a limerick about him?
I've always thought Kate Winslet was smashing, and I would have loved to plowed her field, or whatever the devil the term is for stickin' it in her. A slight paunch is perfectly acceptable on a lady, although we certainly don't want to go overboard. No need to waddle when we walk, eh girls?
"plow" not "plowed"

Apologies, I must have been worked up over Ms. Winslet. I might endure watching Jude again just to see her.
So all you have to do is pee on someone to get them to mate with you??? That seems much too easy!
upon my entry into stormtrooper puberty, i was around princess leia in a skimpy metal bikini with chain tethers. after reading your post, gb, i now understand my attraction and fetish with such women. but, i guess it also explains my attraction to disgusting, slimy slug-like hermaphroditic aliens.
I like the concept of a female peeing on the ground. RRRrrrrrrOOOOWWW!
I'd say I've been attracted to a fair variety of women over the years. Skinny can be sexy, so can chubby.

Ok, so I'm a tart........

Not sure about the peeing thing.
Very enlightening Mr Bananas! I find the smell of bovril sexy ...why could this be? Voting is now on in the blogpower awards - Iam in cats 1 and 14. If you want to support me follow the link on the right of my blog... at the moment I am being crushed by the forces of reaction....
Ratty: You're getting carried away. Kate doesn't pee ON people. She just pees on the ground so you can smell her hormones. Getting it on you costs extra.

Chrisv82: I applaud your taste. I assume you'd have a good run around on the field before ploughing it.

Jenny: If the guy has a pee fetish it's all you need to do.

Raffi: Slugs must have a pretty good sex life. No need for K-Y Jelly.

Ron: It should be an olympic sport. Keeping it off the legs is a real skill.

Ill Man: You've got the right attitude. You'll need to watch them peeing a few times before it turns you on.

Mutley: I've voted for you, you old pimp. Doesn't a dog's vagina smell of bovril?
In looking at this the other way round, I would suggest that the same criteria applies to a woman looking for a mate. A woman is not looking for the weedy male who might snap during lovemaking, she is looking for a man to father her children. If he can bop a deer over the head and drag it back to the cave then it is possible that he may drag her off to a cave and give her a good bop.
Women are supposed to look like women and not like adolescent boys.
Hatty Jaques. Dawn French. Winnie Mandlea

Sherwiiiiing babe tentpole.

Is that offer still on a specsavers by the way.
I don't think that the human male is naturally attracted to waif-like women. The waif is simply what is currently fashionable in the media and maybe that influences aesthetic choices.

I think the gorilla and the human male are remarkably similar: they are attracted mainly to a fertile (i.e. hips and full breasts) woman, with not too much fat or muscle on her.
Mr Bananas , it all boils down to simple economics ,
chubby girls eat more cake
and therefore are the more expensive option.
Thin girls = more beer money.
Your posting was a revelation. What brilliance. I have immediately offered to pay for au pairs and nannies for the sons of everyone who lives within a 50 mile radius of me, on condition that au pair/nanny is short, plump and past it. Then when the sprogs grow up, I'll be in with a chance -wooohooo!
Brilliant insight as ever Mr Bananas. However I have told my dearly beloved that when we eventually have sprogs any au pair we hire will be either a strapping young male or a butch lesbian. How does that bode for our future offsprings' future?
I don't think all men like the waif. Do they?

I think women are less specific. If a man is sexy to them, then I don't think most of us care if he fits an ideal image.
Minx: Not so easy to determine potency from the shape of a man though. What women really need is a cash / sperm count index.

Uncle Norman: Extreme cases don't invalidate a general principle!

Emma: I'm not sure the media is so powerful as to determine what gives a man an erection. Possibly waif-like women appear more vulnerable, a quality which is attractive to all male primates.

Beast: Your theory is worthy of a leading economics journal. Meanwhile I'll find you a chubby chick that buys her own cake.

Mrs Table: You might get more than you bargain for from all those sexually frustrated teenage boys. Which woman holds the world record for the most number of virgin conquests?

Ms Gap: They'll grow up believing that "au pair" means "person who makes mummy sigh".

Trish: Chubby women do have kids, so someone must be having sex with them. I agree that smart women don't have an image of an ideal man.
GB.... :)
A very good point! Sort of like comparing buxom Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth Bennet with wafer Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennet.

The debate of who was the better Elizabeth stemmed a furor in my household. Ultimately, Jennifer Ehle won out for her timeless elegance and curves.

But my boyfriend still prefers Keira Knightley.

My friend once shagged a girl so fat, he couldn't get his arms around her. We shelled out a fiver in respect.

Such things often go on in the parish.
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With all due respect to Miss Keira, there can't be two opinions on the Elizabeth Bennett question. Jennifer Ehle was far and away better in the role and that production was superior, in my opinion.
In my haste, I misspelled "Bennet," with two t's at the end.

Apologies to my beloved Jane Austen and to you all!
When I first started "wrestling the bald champ", we didn't have any porn around the house. I had to lay out in the back yard and look at clouds and hope one would form that looked like a booby or something.
The au pair my parents hired was a gentleman named Thad who would frequently wander around the house wearing leather masks and bring home a different bricklayer for social occasions and introduce these randoms to us as 'Muh new baw-frien''. Has this made an impact on my adult life? Not that I can tell. But I do prefer Kate Winslet to Keira Knightley.
I think women are far more generous in their assessment of men than men are of women: At different times I have fancied Christopher Hitchens (tubby), Jarvis Cocker (bony), Bill Maher and John Stewart (short), Liam Neeson (giant) - I could go on and on but I'd just embarrass myself. And I'm just back from a wine festival so too sleepy to think.
Rosanna: Ladies' man Kieran (whose blog is linked here) thinks Keira's chin sticks out too much. Men notice little things like that.

Lord Milky: Was the money you gave him to pay for a torture rack to prepare him for the next fat chick?

Trish: Reviews noted. You are evidently a connoisseur of period drama.

Captain Smack: Masturbating outdoors makes a lot of sense. You've nature to inspire you and could look at a raccoon's cute face.

Fatman: Keep your eyes to the ground when you pass a building site and refuse all dates from lumberjacks. These things lurk away in the subconscious.

Sam: More generous of appearance perhaps, but would you ever fancy a simpleton with a beautiful body?
Dwayne - the band is CORNERSHOP. They wrote' Brimful of Asha' great song!

GB - I love this post and have now linked you to my site so I can meander through your site at my luxury.


For the record, my ass has its own shadow ! :)
While Titian was mixing rose-madder,
His model posed nude on a ladder.
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.
You sure pick the good topics don't you GB?
I do sometimes wonder how skinny these models / actors can actually become without expiring.
Do they fall through drainage grates when crossing the street?
Does their weight jump up substantially when they wear clothes?
Do they require and extra gentle touch when being pleasured, to unsure no fractures occur to any of their frail bones?
I do think a robust woman is certainly a far more appealing prospect, maybe like moomin mamma or the snork maiden.
Back from vacation and am catching up.

I'm afraid these days a Titian in the bedroom isn't going to do the trick given that the average 13 year old male is more computer savvy than the rest of us put together.

You're posting more tits than I am, you must be gagging for it.

So if yer mum was a big fat woman you're going to fancy big fat weemen? because you want to ride yer ma? ever think about therapy old chap?
I have a variety of nice naked girls on my blog....
Ms Smack: Thak you Ms Smack, I've linked you back. Feel free to discuss your ass all you want!

Kieran: I had a feeling you'd memorised that one.

Zuba: There's no need to be extra gentle with them, make them suffer like the rest.

R. Sherman: Welcome back Randall. True, you've got to keep the computer out of the boy's bedroom.

Knudsen: The difference is that I post art. The Oedipus complex is quite normal unless you were raised by a baboon.

Mutley: They're too nice if they agreed to pose naked for one of your dog biscuits.
I've always maintained that Kate Winslet is the one woman that could inspire me to "play for the other team"...and use sport metaphors.
You post art and I wank to it, all is right with the world.

Oh I doon loaded some great group art if you're interested.
Oh you beast!!!
The "Rubenesque" gal is reenacting the hair gel scene from the film "Something About Mary."
Hey, thanks mate for the link and the ok for the ass! :)
I once read about the results of a study on the subject that said that this is because men are genetically programmed to like women with a waist:hip ratio of 2:3, as this represents maximum fertility and, therefore, probability of success in reproduction.
I was hoping that we had seen the last of Mr. Keitel's wanger in the Bad Leutenant.
I never quite grasped why Kate's character succumbed so quickly to the effects of her Hearstlike Stockholm Syndrome. Indeed her captor is so unappealing that I..
oh forget it.
Since you mentioned Titian all I can hear is Danny Akroyd's sleazy Art Reviewer doing his shtick on Titian. Damnit!
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