Monday, May 07, 2007

Snow White's tragic stepmother

I’ve got a pretty high regard for the human female, but if there’s one thing that lets her down it’s her vanity. Look at Snow White’s royal stepmother. She was a fine-looking woman with the body of a cheerleader and the cheekbones of Faye Dunaway. Yet because of her silly obsession with being “the fairest of them all”, she commits unforgivable crimes for which she is justly tortured to death. Why did she listen to that stupid mirror anyway? Had I been a guest at the palace, I would have taken the queen aside for a quiet pep talk.

“Queenie,” I would have said, “the mirror is a paedophile. I’ve seen how he rattles in his frame when Snow White reflects off his surface. That child is no competition for a woman like you. Take off the headgear and let your hair down; then slip into something tight and skimpy. There won’t be a dry codpiece in the palace. Who needs mirrors with a body like yours? Woof! Woof!”

What many women don’t realise is that there’s a level of attractiveness which is “good enough”. Which is to say, good enough for ninety per cent of heterosexual men aged 16-30 to jump all over you if you ask them politely. If you’re already at that level, there’s not much point getting a nose job to satisfy the remaining ten per cent. It’s better to work on other things, like your sense of humour and your cooking. Or why not learn to play the harmonica? I’ve always thought that little organ looks quite fetching in a woman’s mouth.

Of course, it’s possible that the queen’s obsession with her physical appearance was the symptom of a deeper malaise. One is forced to wonder whether all was well in the royal bedchamber. The king may have sired Snow White, but I doubt he possessed either the patience or the technique to warm up the nether regions of his icy consort. Perhaps she should have had a wild affair with some young buck to soften herself up for Old Vanilla Pants.

Selecting a suitable lover for the queen would have been a challenging yet rewarding assignment. Would Richard Gere, the American gigolo, have been the right type of gallant to loosen her corset strings and caress the inhibitions from body? No, he was too vain and mercenary. What the queen really needed was to be idolised by a fancy boy who would have gurgled with gratitude every time she curtsied on his face. A job, I feel, for a fervent little Frenchman in the Charles Aznavour mould – an Energizer Bunny of Love who would have taken pride in being the queen’s official sex toy.

Sadly none of this happened and the queen died horribly for her sins. But in my view, the king shares a good part of the blame for not dealing with the jealousy and intrigue festering under his royal nose. A man whose wife is reduced to fishing for compliments from a looking glass is not a worthy husband. And a widower who marries a woman who hates his only daughter is not a worthy father. A more fitting ending would have had the seven dwarves giving the king’s kneecaps a good toning with their porridge spoons.

Labels: , ,

hahahahhaahhehe. "Who needs mirrors with a body like yours? Woof! Woof!" - I didn't know gorillas went 'woof woof' - or have you got hankerings after a doggy lifestyle? (easier to get near humans and acceptable to hump their legs perhaps).
the man has always been on at enidd to play the harmonica. now she knows why.
I agree that the king should have tended to his queen's insecurities. Failing that, he should have taken V!agra.
But GB, it's not very flattering to be at the level of 'good enough' no matter how many men will jump all over you! Harrumph, the very thought!

Knowing the male psyche, I reckon 'good enough' runs the gamut from Scary Spice through Gail Platt (off of Corrie) past Cherie Blair to Beth Ditto! What self-respecting babe wants to be lumped into such a category?

And I agree - the King was clearly 'neglectful'. More interested in the antics of his jester, perhaps?
"What many women don’t realise is that there’s a level of attractiveness which is “good enough”."

Here, here! So many women don't seem to get that what men lust after and what we want are two different things!

This woman was misrepresented; all she really worried about was power and inheritance. And having pesky Snow White in the way, mucked things up for her.

She was sent to prison for embezzelment and saw out her years as Top Dog at Newgate Prison.

Misogynistic historians (ie. the dwarves) retold the story and portrayed her as a fickle women only worried about her looks.
Even today, ambition in a lady is often regarded as uncouth.
You really have a penchant for harmonicas don't you GB?
Or is it just all about organs in mouths with you?
I for one would have been more than glad to offer the saucy royal stepmother some personal tuition on playing my new flute.
Ms Gap: 'Woof!' is a common gorilla exclamation, along with "Choof!" and "Schnoof!". The dogs copied us.

Enidd: Will you play his one or buy your own?

Chickybabe: Good advice.

Spymum: "Good enough" only applies only to appearance, Poshmum. I can tell you're much better than that and I haven't even seen you.

Baron: You should educate women about these things in your blog.

Miss Cheese: I think you deserve a Pulitzer for that. I know you're only pretending to admire the queen to shock us. You're too sweet and moral for that.

Zuba: Yes, they do fascinate me. Not everyone has your talent to take up the flute.
Agreed, that old king couldn't do the business.
He should have called the dwarves into the boudoir to indulge in a bit of heavy petting, that would have got her juices flowing and it would have been all downhill then.
Some women are just never happy , if its not pesky stepdaughters , its the wrong curtains , unfashionable sofa's or insufficient scatter cushions , you are judging all this from a male perspective , where everything falls into nice easy categories , you can iether , eat it , shag it , own it or it doesnt count. Ya girls are a whirling mass of hormones and their logic and thought processes are way beyond our simple understanding
Haha. So true. Question: is this the same mirror I hear Michael Jackson keeps in his room? Because that'd explain a lot...
What is wrong with women??? Geez! I always preferred the Queen to Snow White, the Queen was always a meanie..and Snow White is just too damn innocent for my taste!
I'm thinking that these seven dwarves sound kind of hot. Hook a sistah up, will you GB
Doesn't her garb resemble that of a nun's? A nun on crack...that's what she looks like. Nuns gone wild. Shenunnigans. Hootenunny.

I'll just go now.
Mr Ratty: Dwarves are very capable, but do women fantasize about them?

Beast: I think the answer is to entrust your interior design to a gay man. Women respect their taste.

SB Knife: Michael Jackson's mirror has been bribed by a rich plastic surgeon to tell fibs.

Jenny: You prefer the queen? I think she could have used a bit of girl-on-girl action.

Jungle Jane: Will do, JJ, but first describe your fantasy. Dwarves have very strong arms and work as a team.

Kara: Yeah, but a nun would never hold her fingers like that. Much too suggestive.
Positioning the dwarves all around a woman for a night of love and some frisky hiho-ing might give her a kind of "whole is greater than the sum of their parts" type of experience. Excepting Sneezy. There is no place for Sneezy in my scheme. And Dopey can't go any further South than the navel.
i thought that the dwarves were fairly attractive themselves....

Snow White: it really is a sordid little tale, isn't it?

A fancy boy? I've not heard this expression.

I do think her outfit was a huge problem. It is a fashion disaster AND it lacks sex appeal. The Queen needed some hot pants and thigh high boots, perhaps.
Oh yeah blame the parents that Snow White gurl if that was in fact her real had an attitude and wouldn't accept responsibility for her meth addiction and dwarf fetish, so I hear.

Those mirrors are so convincing and make quite valid points when they tell you to kill and the like.
Wasn't she supposed to be a only mother though? Maybe she should just be looking for prostitutes.
How very odd. Wasn't she eaten by a wolf? Or it that wrong? Personally I blame Walt Disney-and I made this plain to him many times - he was a misogynist and a closet gay you know...
Even if the king did do a good job as a husband, is it not possible that along with vanity, jealousy was also at play here (the "how can the neighbour's house/car/etc. be better than ours?" type)?
I think she would have been better off with a Mick Dundee type. Fire to her Ice if you will.

Gere is to vain himself for the like of her.

She would have seen too much of herself in him, and the relationship would have been doomed to failure.
Dear me. All the situation needed was more beer. Then no-one would have cared, and there'd have harmonica playing all round.

Sam: I can understand your prohibition on Sneezy, but allowing Dopey north of the navel might result in eye contact. He's got big eyes for sure, but I thought you liked them wise as well.

Baie: Who is your favourite? Grumpy looks as if he might be a tiger in bed.

Trish: Great wardrobe advice for the queen. I think that 'fancy boy' was in a Thesaurus.

Knudsen: "Snow White" is a general name for human virgins of the white race, who are an endangered species in parts of Scotland.

Freelance: A prostitute for a queen? No, no, queens never pay for sex, there are always people who'll do 'em for free.

Mutley: Disney didn't write the story and censored the violent scenes. Stepmum was made to dance to death in red hot iron slippers.

Sidhu: Yes, but jealously often results from insecurity and low quality sex.

Mosha: Good suggestion. He would have saved her from a crocodile and had her licking ants off his machete.

Mr X: I don't think the queen was a beer drinker, but playing the harmonica might have loosened her up.
I think the queen's problems stemmed from having a series of bad hair days (hence the insecurity thing with the mirror). This is why she wore a wimple, so nobody could see her scraggy locks. Now you know the significance of her trying to kill Snow White with poisoned combs - pure hair-envy. Well, that and the dwarf fetish.
Laughed out loud in the middle of the office! GB: you are great! and I thank you dearly for introducing an external perspective to the often too inward-looking/paranoid world of women. I have been taught from a very young age to always try to look your best but that, nevertheless, there are much more important traits to a woman and to a man's heart.. ironically, I can play the harmonica and I am pretty good with my pots and pans whilst discussing international politics, theology and medical issues..nose job? Naaah, perfection does not exist! (",)Ihihih!
I like my women aggressive and angry - so much better than a pushover naive who eats apples from old homeless people!
I agree on most points, GB, but I'm not sure that a "Charles Aznavour type" would've been the perfect love toy for the Queen.

I've always suspected that her icy, seemingly sexless nature and her obsession with Snow White stemmed from a fairly typical case of latent homosexuality.
Just two words on what the queen needed - face paint. The characters in Indian teleserials use bucketloads of the stuff. It's funny how a person with chocolate colored neck and appendages, has a startling white face.
Hmm, you're right, Nanas. But my logic was that it would be a terrible waste sending Dopey sous-navel. He'd hardly know what he was looking for. That's a job for Happy, methinks. Eye-gazing would be reserved for wise old Doc.

Maybe Dopey could just fan the writhing mass of dwarf and woman-flesh with a palm-frond or something.
Do Dwarves lick pussy? Tonight on Jeremy Kyle we investigate. Honestly - even Dopey would get the idea. Especially if you smeared it in meat paste...
Drunk Mummy: That's an interesting new angle on the case. For all we know, she might have been bald.

Ivonne: Thank you, dear, and I'm so impressed that you can play the harmonica. I bet you're a wonderful cook as well. What a catch you'd be!

Jenny: You keep on talking about how you like your women, so where's the hot lesbian action?

Captain Smack: In that case, she needed someone like Jenny to sort her out.

Witnwisdumb: So the queen's mirror was Indian and thought "fairest" meant "whitest"? Another interesting angle.

Sam: Yes, Dopey was too dopey for sex. Maybe he could have made the snacks for afterwards.

Mutley: Dopey was a vegetarian and would have preferred raw pussy to meat-pasted pussy. You are clearly projecting your own desires onto him.
Hi GB,
I'm a different Jenny than the one above -- but she has a beautiful name!

Perhaps she could be introduced to my "friend" that you wrote a post about?

--Jenny aka "Laverne"
Do Gorilla's look in mirrors often?

Vanity if a course, of course. But then again, the Queen was a special example. She obviously thought that the mirror was lying.

Obviously, she hadn't read Vogue in about six years.
Hi, other Jenny, I really like your name too! And Gorilla, I am just alot of talk!
Jenny: I'll call your namesake Jenny! with the exclamation mark. Jenny! enjoys teasing people with lesbian suggestions. If you read her blog profile, she says her "long-term partner" is a woman. But that's just her description of "best friend". What's a good term for a lesbian teaser?

Rosanna: We'd only use mirrors to examine our rumps. To check whether they were big, hairy and firm.
My Mother was known as Miss White in the old days. No relation though.
Mr Bananas what sort of disorderly blog are you running here , pent up latent homosexual desires, meat paste smeared genitalia , tuppence licking dwarfes, mutley frothing at the yfronts , jungle jane trying to pull a dwarf(or 7) and old knudsen with his teeth out ready for action.
Its a disgrace i tell you!
Dave: Your mother wasn't related to you? That's odd. Ah, another stepmother perhaps.

Beast: Everyone has their own agenda, no matter what I write. No one was interested in who should perform oral sex on the queen. They just want it for themselves. It's the selfish nature of humanity.
Ooo you royal gorillas are so..... arsey. And, you listen to Vanilla Ice (don't know what the world's coming to)

*tuts and walks away*
Anyone who tries to put a harmonica in their mouth will be sorely disappointed with the experience. Not only is it the wrong shape to fit comfortably, but it would also taste slightly metallic and not be in the correct position to fulfill its musical role.
As usual you are spot on Gorillas...yeah I am attractive to most 16-30 males, but is that that point? I think most who have plastic surgery are doing it out of self-love not because their partner gives a monkey's. Like sometimes I think I would like to have my tits lifted, don't know why, because although they'd look good it wouldn't make me any happier. Sometimes I wish I were a gorilla where breasts are simply leathery flaps of skin and no one bothers about underwired bras.
Goth: Big hairy arsey, to be more precise.

Dr Joe: That's true. It would also make the cheeks stick out like a gerbil.

Emma:The point is that doing something like playing the mouth organ (or guitar) might increase your attractiveness more than a boob job.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin