Monday, May 07, 2007
Snow White's tragic stepmother
I’ve got a pretty high regard for the human female, but if there’s one thing that lets her down it’s her vanity. Look at Snow White’s royal stepmother. She was a fine-looking woman with the body of a cheerleader and the cheekbones of Faye Dunaway. Yet because of her silly obsession with being “the fairest of them all”, she commits unforgivable crimes for which she is justly tortured to death. Why did she listen to that stupid mirror anyway? Had I been a guest at the palace, I would have taken the queen aside for a quiet pep talk.
“Queenie,” I would have said, “the mirror is a paedophile. I’ve seen how he rattles in his frame when Snow White reflects off his surface. That child is no competition for a woman like you. Take off the headgear and let your hair down; then slip into something tight and skimpy. There won’t be a dry codpiece in the palace. Who needs mirrors with a body like yours? Woof! Woof!”
What many women don’t realise is that there’s a level of attractiveness which is “good enough”. Which is to say, good enough for ninety per cent of heterosexual men aged 16-30 to jump all over you if you ask them politely. If you’re already at that level, there’s not much point getting a nose job to satisfy the remaining ten per cent. It’s better to work on other things, like your sense of humour and your cooking. Or why not learn to play the harmonica? I’ve always thought that little organ looks quite fetching in a woman’s mouth.
Of course, it’s possible that the queen’s obsession with her physical appearance was the symptom of a deeper malaise. One is forced to wonder whether all was well in the royal bedchamber. The king may have sired Snow White, but I doubt he possessed either the patience or the technique to warm up the nether regions of his icy consort. Perhaps she should have had a wild affair with some young buck to soften herself up for Old Vanilla Pants.
Selecting a suitable lover for the queen would have been a challenging yet rewarding assignment. Would Richard Gere, the American gigolo, have been the right type of gallant to loosen her corset strings and caress the inhibitions from body? No, he was too vain and mercenary. What the queen really needed was to be idolised by a fancy boy who would have gurgled with gratitude every time she curtsied on his face. A job, I feel, for a fervent little Frenchman in the Charles Aznavour mould – an Energizer Bunny of Love who would have taken pride in being the queen’s official sex toy.
Sadly none of this happened and the queen died horribly for her sins. But in my view, the king shares a good part of the blame for not dealing with the jealousy and intrigue festering under his royal nose. A man whose wife is reduced to fishing for compliments from a looking glass is not a worthy husband. And a widower who marries a woman who hates his only daughter is not a worthy father. A more fitting ending would have had the seven dwarves giving the king’s kneecaps a good toning with their porridge spoons.
Knowing the male psyche, I reckon 'good enough' runs the gamut from Scary Spice through Gail Platt (off of Corrie) past Cherie Blair to Beth Ditto! What self-respecting babe wants to be lumped into such a category?
And I agree - the King was clearly 'neglectful'. More interested in the antics of his jester, perhaps?
Here, here! So many women don't seem to get that what men lust after and what we want are two different things!
This woman was misrepresented; all she really worried about was power and inheritance. And having pesky Snow White in the way, mucked things up for her.
She was sent to prison for embezzelment and saw out her years as Top Dog at Newgate Prison.
Misogynistic historians (ie. the dwarves) retold the story and portrayed her as a fickle women only worried about her looks.
Even today, ambition in a lady is often regarded as uncouth.
Or is it just all about organs in mouths with you?
I for one would have been more than glad to offer the saucy royal stepmother some personal tuition on playing my new flute.
Enidd: Will you play his one or buy your own?
Chickybabe: Good advice.
Spymum: "Good enough" only applies only to appearance, Poshmum. I can tell you're much better than that and I haven't even seen you.
Baron: You should educate women about these things in your blog.
Miss Cheese: I think you deserve a Pulitzer for that. I know you're only pretending to admire the queen to shock us. You're too sweet and moral for that.
Zuba: Yes, they do fascinate me. Not everyone has your talent to take up the flute.
He should have called the dwarves into the boudoir to indulge in a bit of heavy petting, that would have got her juices flowing and it would have been all downhill then.
Haha. So true. Question: is this the same mirror I hear Michael Jackson keeps in his room? Because that'd explain a lot...
I'll just go now.
Beast: I think the answer is to entrust your interior design to a gay man. Women respect their taste.
SB Knife: Michael Jackson's mirror has been bribed by a rich plastic surgeon to tell fibs.
Jenny: You prefer the queen? I think she could have used a bit of girl-on-girl action.
Jungle Jane: Will do, JJ, but first describe your fantasy. Dwarves have very strong arms and work as a team.
Kara: Yeah, but a nun would never hold her fingers like that. Much too suggestive.
A fancy boy? I've not heard this expression.
I do think her outfit was a huge problem. It is a fashion disaster AND it lacks sex appeal. The Queen needed some hot pants and thigh high boots, perhaps.
Those mirrors are so convincing and make quite valid points when they tell you to kill and the like.
Gere is to vain himself for the like of her.
She would have seen too much of herself in him, and the relationship would have been doomed to failure.
Baie: Who is your favourite? Grumpy looks as if he might be a tiger in bed.
Trish: Great wardrobe advice for the queen. I think that 'fancy boy' was in a Thesaurus.
Knudsen: "Snow White" is a general name for human virgins of the white race, who are an endangered species in parts of Scotland.
Freelance: A prostitute for a queen? No, no, queens never pay for sex, there are always people who'll do 'em for free.
Mutley: Disney didn't write the story and censored the violent scenes. Stepmum was made to dance to death in red hot iron slippers.
Sidhu: Yes, but jealously often results from insecurity and low quality sex.
Mosha: Good suggestion. He would have saved her from a crocodile and had her licking ants off his machete.
Mr X: I don't think the queen was a beer drinker, but playing the harmonica might have loosened her up.
I've always suspected that her icy, seemingly sexless nature and her obsession with Snow White stemmed from a fairly typical case of latent homosexuality.
Maybe Dopey could just fan the writhing mass of dwarf and woman-flesh with a palm-frond or something.
Ivonne: Thank you, dear, and I'm so impressed that you can play the harmonica. I bet you're a wonderful cook as well. What a catch you'd be!
Jenny: You keep on talking about how you like your women, so where's the hot lesbian action?
Captain Smack: In that case, she needed someone like Jenny to sort her out.
Witnwisdumb: So the queen's mirror was Indian and thought "fairest" meant "whitest"? Another interesting angle.
Sam: Yes, Dopey was too dopey for sex. Maybe he could have made the snacks for afterwards.
Mutley: Dopey was a vegetarian and would have preferred raw pussy to meat-pasted pussy. You are clearly projecting your own desires onto him.
I'm a different Jenny than the one above -- but she has a beautiful name!
Perhaps she could be introduced to my "friend" that you wrote a post about?
--Jenny aka "Laverne"
Vanity if a course, of course. But then again, the Queen was a special example. She obviously thought that the mirror was lying.
Obviously, she hadn't read Vogue in about six years.
Rosanna: We'd only use mirrors to examine our rumps. To check whether they were big, hairy and firm.
Its a disgrace i tell you!
Beast: Everyone has their own agenda, no matter what I write. No one was interested in who should perform oral sex on the queen. They just want it for themselves. It's the selfish nature of humanity.
*tuts and walks away*
Dr Joe: That's true. It would also make the cheeks stick out like a gerbil.
Emma:The point is that doing something like playing the mouth organ (or guitar) might increase your attractiveness more than a boob job.