Monday, May 21, 2007

Brains, money and the art of mime

A survey reveals that brainy humans are no more wealthy than the average meathead. That doesn’t surprise me. In my experience, these intellectual types don’t know much about turning a buck. A lot of them teach in universities, where they clog up their mental circuits with endless verbiage or mathematical puzzles. That kind of book learning is fine in its place, but it doesn’t bring the pig to market. It won’t get you far in the jungle either. Quoting Socrates never saved anyone from a charging hippo.

The ape that puts on airs is ruthlessly cut down to size by his comrades. I recall the case of a chimpanzee who spent a year in the home of a professor of philosophy. When he returned to his tribe, he started using highbrow words like “paradigm” and “ontological”, which caused the other chimps to frown at him with puckered lips. He crossed the line at the annual simian convention. We were having a debate about the snake menace when he put up his hand and said:

“Rather than seeking a general method of repelling snakes, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to devise ad hoc remedies for each species?”

His use of Latin caused the entire conference to erupt in derision. His fellow chimpanzees screeched with contempt; the gorillas hooted with laughter; the monkeys wet themselves with glee. Even the parrots in the trees started flapping and squawking. The poor chap never managed to live it down. For daring to say “ad hoc”, that chimp was thenceforth known as “Sad Cock”. His shame was so intense that he disguised himself as a baboon.

I’ve got nothing against humans with academic credentials – my friend Dr Whipsnade is clear proof that a man can prosper in spite of his qualifications. But if you want to make your fortune in the hairless primate community, you’ve got to bring your goods to the masses. “Bums on seats” is the name of the game. The bums are obviously plentiful and rarely reject a product because it’s too vulgar or garish.

Back in my circus days, I once did a double-act with a mime artist called Nigel. This lad took his art very seriously, modelling himself on Marcel Marceau. He was initially reluctant to perform with a gorilla, but I convinced him that he wouldn’t have to compromise his methods. I suggested that he follow me around the ring, copying my every gesture and movement, thereby proving to the world that a human could ape an ape.

We began the season together and I must admit I was impressed by the boy’s work. I couldn’t see what he was doing behind me, but his antics always got plenty of laughs. Then an unscripted incident occurred during one of our performances. He was chasing me around the ring when a toffee bar got stuck to my foot. I instinctively stopped and shook my leg to get rid of it, but unfortunately my heel smacked young Nigel on the chin. The audience thought it was hilarious and laughed like lunatics as he lay there twitching on the ground. I revived him with a bucket of cold water and helped him to his feet. We took our bow together to a thunderous ovation.

After the show had ended, everyone thought we should incorporate the foot-punch into our act, but Nigel protested, complaining that it was slapstick rather than mime. “What would Marcel Marceau say?” he moaned.

The ringmaster walked up to him said: “Marcel Marceau can eat snails! We’re running a business here, not an appreciation society for arty-farty Frenchmen!”

The ringmaster was a tactless bully and an arse of the highest calibre, but I couldn’t fault him on the fundamental economics. In the society of the naked ape, you either play to the gallery or live like a pauper.

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I see you can get Marcel Marceau's greatest Hits on CD now.
I must have the smarts something rotten then cos I am broke.
"Quoting Socrates never saved anyone from a charging hippo."

Plato let history down a bit there, though. He's often been criticised in shabby-shoed scholarly circles for omitting Socrates' little-known imprecation to "Stab that bloody hippo before he kills someone!" Plato thought it was "stylistically clumsy" to include the Dialogues, so didn't. Countless lives could have been saved if only people had known to quote Socrates. Without his wise words to guide them most over-educated would-be hippo-killing heroes just stand helplessly by, unsure of whom to quote to inspire someone to action in a hippo emergency - except they know it's probably not going to be Nietzsche.
Thank you Mr Bananas for more words of wisdom , should I be faced with a marauding hippo in the supermarket , I now know not to quotesocrates in the misguided belief that it will save me , (Descartes however may make it pause for thought - I think therefore I am must be equally poignant for our blubbery brethren).
I never liked that Marcell Marceaux , the French dont really get comedy do they
Ring-master? Surely Ape you're a master of your own ring?
Marcel Marceeeew. Creepy man.
Dear Mr. Bananas, I almost wet myself thinking of that monkey! Brilliant.
Ah the greatest double acts in the world were greated by sticky toffee
He looks like Kenny Everritt!
These intellects are crazy
(taps head à la Obelix)

Especially the scientific sort. I was raised by one, I should know. It's not all obscure mathematical puzzles though.
The post on Pixie Dust says it all.

Uncle Norman: That reminds of the joke: 'What was the name of the ship in Mutiny on the Bounty?'

Knudsen: Anyone can see you're an intellectual, you've got an opinion on everything.

Sam: Were you a philosophy major, dear? I thought Nietzsche might be more useful against a hippo but maybe his stuff would make it even angrier.

Beast: Descartes suffered from constipation, but took himself less seriously than Monsieur Marceau.

Queenie: I let the ringmaster pretend he was the boss but he knew not to push his luck.

Aku: Thanks, fair lady, I assume you're talking about Sad Cock, who was an ape rather than a monkey.

Freelance: Laurel and Hardy preferred syrup, but anything sticky will do.

Frobisher: You've got a good memory for faces. I think Kenny was more butch.

Princess: I read your post, dear Princess. They're more useful than I thought, but they don't market themselves very well.
" "
I've got something that could cheer up that sad cock.
Poor sad cock, and why to the monkeys always pee themselves! FYI...Mime's are creepy!
In the corporate world, those who show off like that are thought to be really smart, it seems to me.
I dislike that Marcel Marceau person intensely. Do you know that he had a homosexual fling with Edward Heath. Heath liked him because he knew their secret was safe. Dirty silent bastard.
Quoting Socrates never saved anyone from a charging hippo.

You said it, mister. And who's a better example of this anti-intellecutal argument than good old almost-retarded G.W.? No one, that's who. I applaud your social commentary and raise my mug of English Breakfast unsweetened tea to you.

Ha. I almost wrote "teat" by accident. That would be a whole other thing entirely.
I feel bad for the Latin speaking chimp. The other chimps treated him very badly for one Latin transgression.

You worked with a mime? You're a brave, brave example of your species.

ad hoc, paradigm? Ergh - sounds like typical guffage from a business meeting.
mj: A happy twat?

Jenny!: Monkeys spray piss for the fun of it. Mimes could learn a lot from them.

Sidhu: Sir Richard Branson is a show-off, but his facial expressions are too limited for mime.

Mr Ratty: I don't believe it, but where do you stand on the Jeremy Thorpe question?

Kara: I don't mind you disagreeing about Socrates, but there's no need to insult George Washington. The man is a hero in the Congo in spite of being a traitor to the British Empire.

Trish: What a soft-hearted lady you are! I was brave but the mime was braver.

Ms Gap: I can't believe anyone would say 'paradigm' in a business meeting. Would you like me to beat him for you?
I couldn't agree more, GB. I, unfortunately, was born with a vast intellect, which I've been trying to rid myself of for years and years.

As you can probably imagine, the more braincells I kill, the more successfull I find myself, the more I get laid, and the happier I become.

But there is still much more work to be done. I'm even thinking of moving to Amsterdam and becoming a millionaire.
Couldn't agree more, Mr B. Anyone (human or not) who speaks Latin should be laughed at. And anyone who thinks mime is an entertaining art form, should be violently assaulted.

I believe karma has served them justice. And you are karma's portal it seems...
I am humbled -as I am the one who intrudes pretentious language into your plain spoken blog for this I am truely sorry quadrat et demonstrandum!!
***** mimes rude sign at mutley****
Captain Smack: Waiting for your brain cells to die may take too long. You've just to stop using them. React to events like a hawk instead of thinking about them.

Miss Cheese: Once again you get to the heart of the matter. For some reason, I have a clear mental picture of the kind of person you've been (silently) laughing at.

Mutley: And piss poor Latin at that! You must write 100 lines with your wagging tail!

Beast: I don't think mime works on dogs, you've got to make noises like the late Barbara Woodhouse.
I've got lots of edumacation, but judging by the amount I owe in uni fees, I'm probably poorer than the "average meathead".
not laughing Mr B... pracising my karate chops!
I don't believe it, but where do you stand on the Jeremy Thorpe question?

Not a lot of confidence there I'm afraid. He hired a hit man to shoot a dog! He could have saved a lot of money and just run the little bastard over.
"What would Marcel Marceu say?"

Fuck all, that was the point wasn't it...

(oh and I love Rattys comment)
I am so glad I have found your blog, you delicious beast!!

What a fine writer you are!!

Thank you for visiting my parlour.
I will make sure I have a banana waiting for you next time.
I might also astound you with tales of how my extraordinary intelligence has enabled me to spiral upwards into my own bottom on more than one occasion.

When I was taking my degree in philosphy my wife used to say, "It's all very well you going around pontificating about the bloody universe, but it doesn't exactly help empty the washing basket, does it?"

Personally I think I prefer Quoting Socrates never saved anyone from a charging hippo.
Susanne: True, but you have youth and beauty on your side.

Miss Cheese: I only wish we had a time machine! Today's Latin speakers have surely been humbled by age, but 25 years ago...

Mr Ratty: The dog was a Great Dane, but Mr Thorpe was acquitted of all charges, as you must know.

Goth: I wonder if he mimes when he's taking a dump.

Domestic Minx: Thank you and welcome! It was a pleasure to visit your sumptuous boudoir. I have no doubt that your bottom is equipped to handle spirals, elipses, parabolas and every other kind of geometric entity. In this respect, ma'am, you are an honorary gorilla.

Kim: Thank you, Kim. Use it at your discretion. Best avoided if you're talking to someone who looks like a hippo.
can we have a new post please Mr Bananas as Marcelis giving me the creeps
As an academic i can sympathese with poor old ad hoc sad sock. i too am demonised for my intellect and frequently leave the house posing as a baboon. every time i walk into a pub, i fear the old 'a baboon walked into a bar...' quips...
For goodness sake, pay attention Mr Ape. I have been miming here for five hours.
I once dated a mime. I had to leave her in the end though, as not only were the intimate moments terribly unsatisfying, but she never once told me she loved me.
And so there was a mime on his blog, I said.
Very good, I like ad hoc, sad cock. You have us sad humans to a tee.
Someone famous once said:

"Success is 5% talent and 95% hard work"

That would explain why there are a lot of rich oafs about
Are you primitivly inclined in all your ways, GB? tee-hee!
And could that handsome hairy chap above Marcel just be you by any chance? The thinker in retrospection? :)
I recommend a practising epistemologist for the charging hippo emergency, they could just make it not exist. A mime would be no good, they do the opposite. Let a mime into a supermarket and all bets are off, unless you call in another epistemologist. Although a phenomenologist might do.
Beast: You'll have to wait until Friday. He's not looking at you anyway.

Jungle Jane: I'd love to know what you teach. Scatology?

Minx: I felt your presence, Minxie, I always do.

Lord Likely: There are other ways of showing love, so she was probably just after your cash.

SafeT: You could have been a mime when you were changing your picture if you hadn't typed comments as well.

Ian Duncan Smith: Thanks and welcome. Your name rings a bell. Do you have a blog?

Suzy: Only in some of my ways, Suzy. That handsome chimp is an intellectual.

Conan: Epistemology? Surely that only works when you're drunk and you know it.
It was too good not to use, GB. Check Blunt Cogs
I have always felt rather guilty that MM bores me to the back teeth whereas I love to listen to Alan Sugar - he's so vulgar it's gorgeous!
Maybe it's because I'm common!
Right on, my simian bro. Agreed 100%
Dammit, I was hoping to blame my lack of cash on my innate stupidity.
Oh no . MM is still here
FFS BG. Stoopid git. I teach religion. Isn't that obvious.

For daring to say “ad hoc”, that chimp was thenceforth known as “Sad Cock”.

I knew a man like that, all foreplay and no spunk - so to speak.
His name was Kevin Badcock. He became known as "Badcock." Truly, intellectualism is a curse.
Kim: Saw it. That hippo was quite gentle for a hippo.

Pi: And a fine businessman. Amstrad stock looks cheap to me.

Ron: Good to know you're on board!

Baron : I can only imagine the expenses you must have with servants, property taxes, etc.

Beast: Not very patient.

Jungle Jane: So your expertise in cocks and twats is just a hobby then?

Lord Milky: Brilliant. Why think up a rhyme when the same word says it all? You could have stumbled on a new art, m'Lud.
Sad Cock!!!
Poor bastard, and to have to go to the length of disguising himself as a baboon!!!
I feel for the pompous chimp, I really do.
In response to your 'intellectual' bit,
woo-hoo!!! :-)
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