Friday, April 27, 2007

The Penis Monologues

Whatever happened to that Australian duo who did on-stage origami with their willies? Their act was quite big in its day, but now seems to have shrivelled into obscurity. Apparently, their rubbery appendages could be twisted into most shapes with some dextrous handwork. I always wondered about the off-stage attention they got from their mostly female fans. How does having a celebrity penis affect a man’s sex life? Were girls thrilled at the prospect of being serviced by a famous dick? Or were they repelled by the idea of accommodating an organ they’d just seen impersonate Telly Savalas? I’m damned if I can guess how the sight of a man manipulating his member affects a woman’s libido.

The problem with acts like this is that they depend entirely on their novelty value. However much you dress it up, a penis will never be as versatile as a well-trained seal. It cannot slap its flippers together and bark, nor can it gulp down pieces of raw fish. Balancing a ball on its nose is fiendishly difficult. The public will eventually twig that a stick of rhubarb wearing a false beard could do it just as well.

When someone compared their act unfavourably with The Vagina Monologues, the Australian snake-handlers reacted scornfully.

"It's typical!” one of them sneered. “Women feel the need to talk about it and men just want to play with it!”

It’s a fair point. Unlike Vanessa Vagina, Peter Penis will never be admired for his conversational skills. He’s really a lot like a dog: arguably man’s best friend and certainly eager to please, but prone to overexcitement without proper training. There are said to be women who can make him stand to attention purely with their voices, but they never seem to boast about it. They’re too modest, if you ask me.

Of course, it’s easy to be negative and slate an act without suggesting a better alternative. As a former circus ape, I will admit to enjoying my work with midgets. I bounced them off trampolines, juggled them with my hands and feet, and hurled them at clowns. I loved to see them get the better of the clowns by running between their legs and head-butting their arses. The midgets and I got along like a house on fire, but woe betide any normal-sized human who treated those little terriers with disrespect!

In those days, the world’s number one midget was the Philippino film star Weng Weng. He used to play a spoof James Bond character in movies complete with
ravishing women and low-flying actions stunts. His favourite tactic for dealing with the bad guys was to stamp on their feet and shoot them while they were rubbing their toes. As for the ladies, they would surrender to his cruel lust whenever he gazed darkly into their navels. Being three feet in height, he never needed to go down on a woman because he was already there.

A lot of people worry about midgets being exploited for cheap laughs, but in human society it’s generally those with the healthiest bank balances who laugh loudest. I’d certainly rather watch Weng Weng bite a few ankles than a pair of deformed dongs from Down Under. If I’m going to be entertained by a little prick, I’ll take the one that can do his own dialogue. A montage of Weng Weng’s work is linked

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There still here in England. On a never ending tour it seems.
You can keep em over there.
We have new toys

As for Weng Weng, I am speechless.
And jealous.
I have never gotten the image of their penis hamburger out of my mind. I am damaged for life (and their bits would be too I should think).
They are always on stage somewhere in the dark twilight world of seaside Winter Gardens and Halls alongside all those sinister tribute acts to Queen and Abba and that fat man who swears.
However much you dress it up, a penis will never be as versatile as a well-trained seal.

For the love of God, GB. Some of us have to be in court in a half hour and now we have to argue about a grocery slip and fall with the above image rattling around in our brains.

You gotta warn us about this stuff, man.

Don't you ever draw lips on the opening of your willie and make it talk?

Top it off with a jaunty beret and give it a French accent.

Or a tam and a Scottish accent.
a penis will never be as versatile as a well-trained seal...or a vibrator.

All is not lost yet though, most women prefer a man to a vibrator because he can hug them afterwards.

Also, I'm sure that that Australian duo manipulated their cocks too much and they have probably fallen off by now.
Their act was quite big in its day, but now seems to have shrivelled into obscurity.
Sometimes, GB, you are sublime.
Weng Weng had a passionate affair with my mother. She could find no time to feed me and my brothers-only one thought in her mind - Little Weng Weng.
The two foot bastard, he spoiled my innocent years.
Freelance: So they never penetrated the American market then?

Zuba: Are Kath and Kim still the biggest Melbourne act after Dame Edna?

Ms Gap: Ah, so you saw the act! I can't imagine how they did a hamburger. I suppose a hot dog was too easy.

Mutley: I can tell you don't approve of them. Beneath that cheeky snigger wags the tail of an old fashioned pooch.

Randall: Well, you should know what to expect by now. Were you thinking about seals or dressed-up penises?

MJ: That's just big talk. Show us the pictures if you've got proof.

Emma: If they haven't fallen off, they've certainly been desensitized to a woman's tender touch. I'm glad to hear you like being hugged, Emma. That doesn't always come across in your blog.

Lady Daphne: Thank you, ma'am, I kiss your fair hand with puckered lips.

Mr Ratty: Are you implying that your mother fed Weng Weng? I think he was more of a leg man.
I wanted to see them perform so badly when they came to Chicago, but I could never get tickets (they were too popular)! I did see a special on TV about them, and I found it to be extremely UNarrousing! I doubt that they would be able to perform with a stiffy since they are alwasy rubbery and loose! Gross! And as far as the midget thing goes, I don't think that would be much more entertaining!
Lovely stuff as usual sir, but are we calling them midgets these days? I believe 'elves', 'goblins' and 'little freaks' are all de riguer in this day and age.
I seem to remember one sketch where they play the piano with their appendages - I guess by definition that makes them Concert Penists?
Weng Weng is a dude; Tom Cruise must be pleased that the critter paved the way for other vertically challenged superstars...

Oh, and I interviewed one of the Penis Puppeteers once, who were indeed sandwiched between the tribute acts and fascist comics superbly described by Mutley.

...I have never, ever, been so bored talking cock...
That's low GB, really low.
Kath and Kim only served one purpose and that was to validate the existence of bogans, or chavs as you refer to them over there.
Any person with half a brain simply cringed at the mere fact that a show like that could even exist, but I guess it's popular due to the amount of vacuous beings out there busily stealing our precious oxygen.
I don't know about the Penis Puppeteers, but several blokes I know have managed to do a very passable imitation of "The Last Turkey On The Shelf At Christmas"
GB, would you believe me at all if I confessed to blushing slightly while reading this post?
I lived in Melbourne for 5 years. My eyes must have been closed. How did I miss this?
These acrobatic ventures you desribe so colourfully & sexily.
I wonder if you'd try the same but it must be tough considering you're a bit on the lumbering side...
I think you're more a foot-stomping , ground-crashing kind of ape, aren't you.

Oh, you mean little people, not midgets. They get all the best bombshells on Jerry Springer!
Hi again GB,
to answer your question very quickly,
yes, I'll still be posting once every few days from next week. :-)
Every guy who spends too long being single tends to experiment with their penile dexterity...sometimes by watching Philippino dwarves on film. I'd never wanted to make my little buddy (I'm talking about my wang here not Weng Weng)look like the Eiffel-Tower or a pelican. Truth be told my penis is not much of a performer. Or so I've been told. It just hangs around waiting to be abused any time I see Jessica Alba on screen.
The Jungle Duo
Mr. Bananas,
Do you think George and Tarzan might have done a better job?
Is there a market for shows such as these in the African Wilds?
Jenny: When a penis is subjected to that much abuse it probably loses the ability to stiffen. Do you enjoy looking at a nice hard phallus, Jenny?

Jasper The PC term is Person of Restricted Growth (PORG). Elf would be a compliment. My list of links includes an Icelandic girl who has sex with elves.

Goth: The must have played Chopsticks.

Miss Cheese: I'm sure you gave him a grilling. When you interview me, we'll find more interesting things to talk about.

Zuba: But many people have never seen a bogan. Watching that show is like a visit to the zoo.

Drunk mummy: Welcome, ma'am, you mummy girls are fantastic. Is there an anatomical likeness or were you speaking figuratively?

Suzy: I think they made their names in England, like Rolf Harris. I'm so glad you'll be keeping in touch on your travels.

Fatman: If you're going to self-abuse, do it with a light touch. I don't approve of all this "slapping the salami" nonsense.

Princess Stef: Tarzan used to comment here regularly! Just look at some earlier posts. He told me he had to stop because his employer stopped him playing with the internet at work.
but in human society it’s generally those with the healthiest bank balances who laugh loudest...

How very true!
My dearest Gorilla pal, great post.

And I can confirm for you that I find Two Australians with comedy wangs deeply unsexy.

Men can laugh a girl into bed, but trust me this is soooo not the way!
I can do their "Loch Ness Monster"!!!!

The trick is to get everything really warm so the scrotum will stretch
I remember them. I think their signature impression was a hamburger. I can't believe I remember this, but I do.

I wouldn't pay to see them perform their show, but it is fairly amazing that they make/made a very good living doing this. Surely, the streets of Australia are paved in the gold of opportunity if they made their start there.
Hi GB,
I thought I wrote this somewhere but maybe it didn't show.
I said who could resist your typically tall, dark & handsome masculinity...don't you agree...
except I'd suggest that if you tried a bit of adventure yourself, don't consider skyjumping on any count!
*big grin*
Oops...I meant sky-diving. :-)
As far as I know they're still around.

There was a rival girl act at last year's Melbourne Comedy Festival called Dance of the D-Cups.

At this year's comedy festival I saw David O'Doherty, who told us about an elderly patron who walked out of his show after about ten minutes. He was worried that he had offended her, and asked where she was going. She said that she was in the wrong show- she was supposed to be seeing Puppetry of the Penis!
Rosanna: Hi there, Miss. Love your blog and how fetching you look in that red frock!

Spymum: Thank you for confirming what I suspected, dear Poshmum. Send your MIL to the Congo and we'll sort her out for you.

Frobisher: I was thinking of asking you to put up a picture on your blog, but then I realised you'd be crazy enough to do it!

Trish: Jenny said they were a sellout in Chicago as well! I think a lot of girls are just curious about the male organ.

Suzy: You have indeed stimulated my own desire for a bit of adventure. I think I'm getting too comfortable in my hammock and need a bit of the Suzy spirit.

Susanne: Haha! I think your anecdote proves my point that people watch them out of curiosity rather than prurience.
"However much you dress it up, a penis will never be as versatile as a well-trained seal. It cannot slap its flippers together and bark, nor can it gulp down pieces of raw fish. Balancing a ball on its nose is fiendishly difficult." You're so wrong, Mr Ape. So, so wrong. I wonder happened to Sid the seal impersonator with whom I shared a glorious summer in 1977? Ah, memories.......
I think it was I who sent the Goth the pianists. I did not find them sexy.

It's tanned forearms and a nice deep voice for me, every time.
'lot of people worry about midgets being exploited for cheap laughs, but in human society it’s generally those with the healthiest bank balances who laugh loudest.'

The rich have always been in thrall to the deformed viz the Elephant man and the Royals.

Mutley: I can tell you don't approve of them. Beneath that cheeky snigger wags the tail of an old fashioned pooch.

You are right Mr GB - are you clairvoyant? Do gorillas have a similar kind of performer? Would you enjoy having your genitalia mocked??
Is it all about cock with you? And midgets? And stuffing things up my ass?

Call me.
You can start your Woodstock adventure by wearing a garland but tell your harem of wives to please-not-eat-the-FLOWERS!! :-)
But what are Weng Weng's forearms like? Auntie M is right. it's crucial for a woman to ascertain the form and hairiness of the forearms before she could fall into them. In this case the fellow seems to be having some other hair problems which don't bode well for him either, for his haircut is a bit like a penis. In the top-right photo there, he's even got the wee eye on there too, look!

"He’s really a lot like a dog: arguably man’s best friend and certainly eager to please, but prone to overexcitement without proper training."

You're right, Nanas. Some breeds like their tummies tickled. Some like to cock their legs against every tree. The lovely thing about them all though is that they generally respond when prompted to come. You can't say that of cats or pussies, more's the pity.
I'm going looking for the work of Weng Weng.

I think the main problem is that the Vagina is a thing of beauty, whereas the Penis is just an ugly, hairy hose.
Mrs Table: Sid sounds as if he would have been a great circus act. I look forward to reading your memoirs.

Aunty: So a cross between Brian Blessed and Peter Stringfellow would be ideal then?

Pi: And Michael Jackson.

Mutley: I wouldn't be too bothered if a gorilla made a mockery of his penis. We have a live and let live philosophy in my part of the jungle.

Jessica: You've only scratched the surface, Sugar. I'll call you after you put up a photo of your behind on your blog.

Suzy: I'll travel to Hawaii first so the hoola girls will put one one me. The wives can stay at home.

Sam: Weng Weng wasn't very hairy, but he certainly knew how to move in tight spaces. There's not much point to a hairy lover with the touch of a bumbling elephant. Penises respond, but some women are better trainers than others. The best ones say the right words in the right tone of voice.

Mosha: Although I've heard that some women are shocked when they first examine their cha-chas with a hand mirror.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of Midget-bashing. As you know, midgets have for a long time been aggressive to animals and other beings. A group of them tried to kill Dorothy with giant lollipops, while others captured children and attempted to kill them in some of the most frightful ways: drowning them in chocolate, casting them into a pit of Squirrels. Oh yes, I have seen the documentaries.

I'm not sure I agree about the sexual prowess of midgets, after all, is size proportionate? Now Dwarves are different - apparently their penis/height ratio results in more satisfaction for their female partners.

Of course, being a mermaid it's not possible to have intercourse with either midgets or dwarves. Just as well, I might give birth to sprats.
There isn't anything better than a nice hard one!
How does having a celebrity penis affect a man’s sex life?

I believe Ron Jeremy has a book out.
yo is this the same dude that was all over you tube doing that ridiculous dance? I thought that was a child.
Simoney: Well you mermaids are pretty conventional in your sexual tastes, only a well-endowed dolpin will make the ocean swell for you. A dwarf's penis is longer than its arm.

Jenny: How about a vibrator with rabbit ears?

Kara: I believe so. He claims that fellating oneself is not as good as it sounds.

Ms Stiltwalker: You're better informed than I am. Mr Weng is sadly no longer with us.
Mr Bananas , the show was called Puppetry of the Penis and I stumbled accross the coffee table book that was produced to cash in on their 5 minutes of fame......the trouble is everypicture would have some fanciful title like Eifle Tower but looked exactly the same as all the other pictures ,ergo a screwed up willy
Talking of celebrity penises - Dave Backham in the buff on Frobies site is causing a bit of a stir....
I can open a bottle of beer with my vagina. I think that's quite special...
There is nothing special about The fact it is a little creepy! I prefer the real deal!
pffft JJ thats rubbish , I can spin plates on my knob
AAHAHAHHAHA...midgets. I just got it!
Beast: Somehow I knew that you and Frobisher would know the most about this act. You're closer to Nature in your part of England.

Mutley: I'm not convinced it's his.

Jungle Jane: If you can do that to a bottle, you'd make mincemeat of a penis. Yes, Jane, you're special.

Jenny: You're a good girl, Jenny, but you must know what the ears are for.

Jessica: need to explain it to me.
What would either of the Australians' family members say, when asked what their son/brother/cousin/husband/father does for a living?

:D; You saved my day again.
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