Monday, April 23, 2007

The needs of the spirit

I’ve never had much time for gurus, although a lot of humans swear by them, and I’m not the sort of ape to pour scorn on another fellow’s interests and hobbies. The Beatles, let’s not forget, spent the best part of a year at the Maharishi’s venerable feet, chanting mantras, practising deep-breathing exercises and oiling their guitar strings with ghee. Now aged 90, the sprightly old swami continues to do his stuff with aplomb, launching his yogic flyers from Holland to spread waves of bliss throughout the galaxy and beyond. I sent him a telegram wishing him every success. I’ve never been engulfed by a wave of bliss, but it sounds like the sort of thing one might develop a taste for after a hard day at the swamp.

I must admit having a soft spot for the Hare Krisnhnas though. Their music is a bit repetitive, it’s true, but we gorillas enjoy that type of thing. I always pack a tambourine in my hand luggage on the off chance of meeting one of their bands on my travels. The last time it happened was in Sydney, when I came across a trio consisting of two girls who were as cute as kittens and one male drum-beater who was as bald as an egg. Quick as a flash, I pulled the tambourine from my rucksack and got into the groove. They absolutely loved it, although I ducked when one of the girls tried to finger my bonce with a bindi. That red dot may symbolise a lot of potent things, but it looks like a ketchup stain on the forehead of a well-groomed gorilla.

I regret to say that my friend Dr Whipsnade is apt to be a little quick-tempered with proselytisers who dare to presume that his lofty soul is in need of salvation. We were walking together in Hyde Park, last time I was in London, when a vivacious young lady with braces on her teeth bounced up to greet us on the walkway.

“D’ya wanna know Jesus?” she asked, offering us a pamphlet.

“Not if he’s a friend of yours!” barked the doctor, marching off briskly before she could respond.

She looked a little crestfallen, but cheered up considerably when I took one of her circulars
and gave her a wink before re-joining my curmudgeonly companion. I skimmed over the document later that evening and found nothing particularly objectionable in it. Go to church, give generously to charity and stock up with tinned food before Armageddon were the main points emphasised in the text. Plain commonsense, I would have thought.

Now I’m aware that a lot of people are very antireligious, appalled by the guilt-mongering and the rabble-rousing and the wild-eyed characters with beards. What they forget is the vital role that religion plays in human recreation. A day out in Rome to watch the Pope address the multitude in St. Peter’s Square is the highlight of the social calendar for many. The trouble with today’s faith industry is that it’s dominated by men, thus getting caught up in the power games in which the male of the species is habitually engaged. Humanity needs to rediscover the old pagan festivals involving wood nymphs, priestesses and vestal virgins that made their ancient religious practices so exciting and enjoyable. I sense that the exposed female bosom may have an important role to play here.

Labels: , ,

Religion does indeed play a role in procreation - if the neighbour's screams of 'Oh God, Oh JESUS' are anything to go by.
How right you are Mr Bananas - here in the South West of England blood and sex still do play their age old roles. I have to say that I do think of you as a kind of Guru - have you ever considered becoming a deity of some kind or establishing a cult? The Apes of Jesus or something like that. I know your legion of loyal fans would respond.
Ah yes mutley, In bristol we sacrifice a virgin 8 times a week (2 matines)

Can't we just get all the priests to line up and expose their testicles?
Ha-Ha! I wonder where this came from GB.
I would have given anything to have been a grown-up in the swinging sixties. It must have been worth it.
I've never been attracted to men with beards or to gurus! Nah!!!
And the Beatle's Guru was a fake, as you know.
I see HariKrishna types all the time in Oxford Street.
Can't imagine you with a tambourine.
Can imagine you with a caveman look though. So much more manly, GB...
I thought the pope just came onto the balcony to feed the pigeons ?!

I do quite like the Krishna chant:-

# Shit happens hare hare,
shit happens hare hare #

(play that tambourine GB)
You gorillas have varied tastes it would appear. Tom Jones and Hare Krishnas. I applaud your open-mindedness.


(BTW, thanks for pointing me to Anetha in Tanzania.)
China blue: Your neighbours should show more respect. "Oh, Fatty!" and "Oh, Kitty!" would work just as well.

Mutley: Being a guru would spoil the easy-going relationships I have with my human friends. When a female scratches my back I want her to do it out of affection, not because I'm her guru.

Freelance: A row of crusty old bollocks cannot compare with the unblemished skin of a virgin, or indeed a non-virgin.

Suzy: He was a fraud, but his nonsense was quite funny. You're quite a guru yourself, Suzy, travelling round the world to meet your followers. I'll let you know when you're close to me.

Goth: You're too cynical to appreciate these things. When was the last time you shook your backside? No, don't tell me.

Randall: I like humans who can move their bodies rhythmically when they're not horizontal.
old pagan festivals involving wood nymphs, priestesses and vestal virgins

We are on the same hymn sheet here.
The smell of a 'warmed up' Vestal Virgin can not be surpassed. The aroma is evocative, transporting me back to my early school years, a bright spring morning and the warm saddle on Matrons bike.
Hello, I've been meaning to visit your blog for ages - your name keeps coming up on others I read - glad I finally got round to it.

I'd be delighted if a wave of bliss just once washed over my toes.
i have to admit that I have always believed the sprightly old Swami to be a sprightly old phoney. No offence and Happy St George's Day.
GB, I'm seriously considering starting up my own religion. Money, power, groupies........

Yes, I've tried being a musician....
Hmmm. I see you too are being stalked by a cult. Must be the weather.
The main difference between Western religions and some of the Eastern ones, it seems to me, is that the Eastern ones promise bliss, inner peace, self-knowledge and well-being in your own lifetime while those in the West say you have to wait for these things 'til the afterlife.

It's too easy to criticise religion so I won't bother but we do need a vocabulary with which to talk about the spirituality (I hate the way that word has been shanghaied) we recognise in ourselves and each other. What do we do if religion is letting us down like it is?

I reckon we start by focusing on being grateful to our creator the indubitably good things we have in life. Things like sunshine! and breasts! and dancing! If people, of their own free will, want to bare their jiggly bits and frolic about in the woods in sheer celebration of life I can't see a thing wrong with it. Gratitude ought to be spontaneous and heartfelt not sternly directed and mandated.
I wouldn't believe the tree I was whirling around was particularly invested with spirit, though. I'd just be happy about its treeiness, and treeiness in general. And grassiness and peopleness and wateriness and all the good things of life.
it always comes back to bosoms with you, doesn't it? jebus.
I can shake my cute furry little butt if I choose and I'm not cynical at all, well maybe sometimes...

Oh bugger, you said don't tell you DOH
gurus do tend to be phoney by the way they bill thier clients.

and just how many bentleys do you need to enter heaven?

it used to be six, but with inflation........
The old Maharishi has got competition with Guru Manatcanda Ji (formerly known as Scrumpy) on his way to India to become the new living god.

I am a great fan of the Harry Krishnas, you don't see them about much these days but they never fail to make people smile, which is what religion ought to do. I'd have given my best rosary to see them dancing down the street with a gorilla in tow.
Mr Ratty: Surely Matron wasn't a vestal virgin? That sounds like a contradiction in terms.

Eryl: Nice to hear from you, ma'am. I think you'd need to get your head under it as well for the full effect.

Pi: The Beatles wrote about a song about him called Sexy Sadie, which suggests they thought so to.

Ill Man: You've got the beard for it, but can you talk for hours without stopping?

Ms Stiltwalker: Are you talking about the lesbians or the Elvis worshippers?

Sam: Maybe you've been going to the wrong church. The progessive ones have singing and dancing these days. And speaking in tongues!

Kara: Aren't they a good thing? A goddess should flaunt them.

Goth: It's not too late to repent and cleanse your soul.

Dr Alistair: Isn't it BMWs these days?

Lady Daphne: They're great aren't they? I think they should be invited to outdoor parties and similar events.
I agree.

The pagan religions have so much more romance. Often, they worship the female form and the sun - the two most prominent vessels of creation in our solar system.

That's far more logical than most other religions.
And I think you'd look very fetching in all that orange too.
Suzanabrams- My uncle was swingin' in the sixties. They hanged him for stealing his neighbour's goat...and doing things to it.

GB- (The Fatman/Kittie relationship was about as romantic as a vicious granulomatous disease. Any screams of ecstasy-'Oh Bethany!', 'Oh Cedric!'etc - was probably a direct result of...y'know...ecstasy) The reason that these "New Age spirituality" has taken off is because of semi-naked men and women. No longer do we have to listen to grizzled old men rant on about Hell and brimstones and Thou Shalt Nots. We get to see gurus and Earth Mother and warlock-types "being free" and "worshipping the moon" and engaging in all kinds kinky sex. Which brings me back to my dead uncle and his love of animals.
Did you call?

Of course pagans have the female aspect at the forefront of their belief system - it is the natural way of things. That is not to say that pagans are feminists, not at all. Males are gorgeous, as well as essential!

What is the point of having a religion that allows no fun, spouts fire and brimstone on yer day off and bases its ethos on human fear. No thanks.

Most of the wars started in this world have male figureheads - ponder that one.
I forgot to wish you with Woodstock's classic emblem, GB. PEACE!
One of my favourite singers that came out from that era has to be Joan Baez & I loved Diamonds and Rust. Ever heard of the one? The haunting song detailed Baez's relationship with Bob Dylan.
Do your wives wear flowers in their hair in the Congo Basin,GB?

yours curiously,
Most of the wars have male figureheads - indeed, but most fights are usually about some feckless woman who decided to bonk two people instead of one.

And GB my soul is cleansed - or should that be pickled - wonderful stuff this Jack Daniels

*wanders off to get another bottle*
Surely Matron wasn't a vestal virgin? That sounds like a contradiction in terms.

No of course she wasn't. However the combined aroma of matron's chaffed up front bottom and cycle saddle is identical to that given out by your actual vestal virgin
Mosha: And the two concepts are beautifully combined by women who sunbathe in the nude.

Memsahib: Ma'am, I believe you are the first blogger from the Mother Continent to have visited here. I shall wear orange today out of respect for you.

Fatman: He should have been hanged for abusing a goat rather than a sheep. What kind of Australian was he?

Minx: Ah yes, dear witch, this is very much your subject. You are so right about having fun rather than firing up one's spout with brimstone. Witchy wisdom at its best.

Suzy: They'd just eat any flowers you put in their hair. But I must listen to that song, now that you've recommended it. You have much to teach us about life, adventure and travel, Suzy. Poor Lord Milky went to the Czech Republic and just got drunk.

Goth: We gorillas would never start a war over something like that. One good punch in the face would resolve the matter.

Mr Ratty: Thank you for explaining. She must have been a remarkable woman.
I like the Hare Krishnas - they are very generous, I used to pop in to their temple off Oxford St. when I lived in London and needed a free meal.

The meal was supposed to come with a little talk, but for some reason they never bothered with me. The toilets were filthy tho'.
You think? Shit. I'm not a goddess. Cruel, cruel disappointment.
Indeed. Hurrah!
I too respect the beliefs of other religions, well just the good God fearing Protestants, the rest will burn in the fires of eternal damnation.

God is love.
True, true. Here's to a new religion combining the best in music, non-partriarchal control, and boobies.
Hi again GB,
I've played Joan Baez (Diamonds & Rust) on my blog today, hoping you might enjoy a listen. 2 versions: 1 link takes you to a video together with pictures of her & Dylan & the other is YouTube. :-)
Whenever a well-meaning type tries to save me from eternal damnation, I always tell them: "You leave my soul alone, and I'll leave your soul alone. Deal?"

If that doesn't work I just fall on the ground and play dead. They're not as interested in you if they think you're already dead.
Waves of bliss and inner-peace, eh? All *I* learnt in my sporadic years of yoga was that twisting one leg around your neck will bring about three days worth of lie-downs and maybe half an inch off your waist.

It's all clever PR, I tell you. Onwards with the vestal virgins. Better photo ops that way.
These vestal virgins that everyone's harping on about....are they the same ones that go tripping on lights fandango and cartwheeling in the snow?

Naked cartwheeling - now there's a spectator sport.....
Frobisher: They should have made you clean them... and possibly shave your head as well.

Kara: You're more of a wood nypmh, Missy. They get to party with the satyrs.

Mosha: Here's a picture.

Knudsen: Is the Prod God like Sir Ian Paisley?

Ms Tickles: Boobies are the true symbol of female emancipation.

Suzy: Thank you so much. My education continues at your feet...

Cap'n Smack: Playing dead? That could be dangerous if the "save your soul" pitch is a seduction ploy.

Rimi: I wouldn't recommend yoga for women without clear evidence that it firmed up their buns.

Goth: Vestal virgins don't do that sort of thing except in hallucinations. I blame Dr Timothy Leary and 60s drug culture.
The more I come here the more I'm convinced you're destined to change the world. One day all chests shall be laid bare, one day my cousin.
Indeed - quite correct. Apparently they buggered off to the seaside but they might have cartwheeled when they got there
The trouble with humanity is it needs to get a life and then it will stop with all this make believe religion stuff.
Tell me about that Fossey woman. Did you ever meet, what did you talk about, did she smell nice?
I've nominated you for Thinking blogger award mr Bananas
in life everyone is selfish..wonder wat wil apen later
"I sense that the exposed female bosom may have an important role to play here."

Sir, you sense correctly! This is surely what has been missing in Christianity for centuries. I must contact my local Priest!
Kieran: Miss Peaches Geldorf might do it before me. As for your chest, show it but don't shave it.

Goth: Those hippy musicians had no respect for virginity.

Atyllah: That's what the fairies and elves have been saying for years.

Mr Ratty: I never met the great woman, but she reputedly smelt better than a female gorilla in oestrus.

Freelance: Thank you, Sir. If I get an Oscar I'll mention you first.

Aesha: I believe you've posed the great question of life

Mr Mollusc: Ask her for a topless photo first.
If i was God i would ban all religion and make all the clergy of all faiths work as landscape gardeners.

The top men, such as the Pope and Bob Geldoff, would be forced to wipe windscreens at traffic lights.

Nuns, meanwhile, would be required to join a circus and form an act where they
have to form human pyramids on a big, glittery ball.

That should sort them out.
Nanas, there are far more celebratory and worshipful things you can do with tongues other than talk in them. You as a gorilla ought to know that.
Mr Banannas , I was doorstepped at the Beasts Lair , by a couple of Jehovahs witnesses ranting about the evils of sexually transmitted deseases and mint chocolate chip ice cream (I think I may have zoned out part way thru the diatribe as I couldnt quite see the link... but still) .I did point out that as far as I recall from biology class at Beast school , life is sexually transmitted.....I was promptly told that I was going straight to hell (in a handcart)!
Asym: I think you're onto something with the nuns, but Geldorf would bore the pants of waiting motorists.

Sam: Good point, dear. I use mine to lick nectar off flowers.

Beast: Next time, tell them your name is Beast and you've got friends in Hell. That should scare them off.
I have considered exposing my heavenly bosom, but since there are already so many religions I hesitate to start a new one.
Most so-called Gurus tend to be seen in their native land, by most people, as what they really are i.e. con-men and con-women. It is only in the West that they make it big.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin