Friday, April 13, 2007

Divorce, gorilla-style

“Is it possible to fart in your sleep?” asked a tourist the other day.

When humans ask me questions about farting, I expect them to make a joke about the gale-force blasts for which we gorillas are famed. But it turned out that this particular fellow was in earnest. He was going through a messy divorce, and breaking wind in bed was of one the many complaints levelled at him by his estranged wife. I told him that a forceful expulsion of flatulence was unlikely because sleep normally paralyses the muscles. Any gas building up in the bowels would probably leak out slowly, as if from a puncture. He thanked me for my opinion and jotted down a few notes in his diary. Much to my relief, he didn’t ask me to appear in court as an expert witness.

Is there such a thing as an amicable divorce? For gorillas, the answer is “yes”. If one of my females wants a change of scene, I find another alpha male willing to accept her and send her on her way with an affectionate pat on the rump. There is no question of divorcing a female without fixing her up with another mate – that sort of thing gets you blackballed from the local chest-thumping association. Human divorces would surely be less painful if the protagonists had to find new partners for their spouses before parting company.

This is not as far-fetched as it sounds. It’s more or less the plot being followed my Australian friend
Fatman and his long-suffering girlfriend Kitty. They never actually married, but were in a cohabiting relationship involving sporadic sexual contact. Fatman then went on a long solo vacation in Russia, where he penetrated the Slavic soul from the inside of a vodka bottle. When he returned to Melbourne, Kitty and he agreed that they were no longer an item. But as he was both penniless and homeless, Kitty happily gave him lodgings in her abode.

Now comes the interesting part. Fatman introduces Kitty to his cousin Jesse and they hit it off rather well. No, they hit it off much better than that, if you see what I mean. Fatman feels pangs of jealousy, baring his anguish
in his blog, but soon accepts that he has no real wish to stand in the way of Kitty’s happiness. Nor should he, indeed, for Kitty herself is making strenuous efforts to pair him off with one of her own circle of unattached females. As yet, Fatman has been reluctant to pursue these overtures for fear that Kitty and his new paramour would discuss him covertly, comparing notes and giggling at his peccadilloes.

This is where I can give Fatman some friendly ape-to-man advice. If females who have mated with you are on friendly terms, they will inevitably compare notes and laugh at your expense. You just have to get over it because it cannot be helped. It is a law of nature and a fait accompli.

I once had the misfortune to overhear two of my females discussing my sexual habits. One of them said: “You know when he’s finished because he grunts like a wart hog!” and they both hooted with glee.
I crept through the undergrowth to surprise them and said loudly: “Do I indeed?”. They were not the least bit embarrassed and laughed all the harder.

But I had my revenge. The next time I mated with one of those apettes, I cried “Oink! Oink!” while climaxing and walked off abruptly without so much as a peck on the cheek. I knew she was annoyed because I felt a stone strike the back of my head, but I just wiggled my posterior scornfully without turning round. There’s nothing like a bit of sarcasm when you’re ejaculating to put a female in her place.

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To quote Alf: You kill me!!!!

Oh, and it's not just the females who compare notes and have a larf either.
Too true GB, too true. A friend of mine (honestly) is now known as 'mushroom dick' after copulating with two female housemates. The nickname has now spread so far, he is known as 'Dr Mushroom Dick' at work.

He clearly wasn't aware of the sarcastic jizz technique.
How do I love your posts! Acute as usual, Gorilla!
I think Divorce gorilla style could be a winner - we are only bitter about a broken down relationship until we find love again. Coincidentally, I am finding myself a little infatuated with one of my ex's best friends from school, but being the typical human male that he is, he wouldn't help me be with him and pulls a strop every time I mention the other fella! Maybe I should consider dating gorillas from now on!!!!! ;-)
FARTING is the best. I love it. Last night I was silently dropping hundreds of my own brand in a bar. Think it was the hummous. But as for farting in sleep - a story - the other weekend my lad and I were visiting a friend and were sharing a room. I could not sleep, but the lad went straight off. and while he was asleep, he turned on his side, LIFTED himself up so his arse was in the air, farted really loudly and then rolled over.
"There’s nothing like a bit of sarcasm when you’re ejaculating to put a female in her place."

Quite. And there's nothing like having a giggle to oneself after said ejaculation to restore the balance... ;-)
"penetrated the Slavic soul from the inside of a vodka bottle" is that like a ship in a bottle?

And as for getting twatted with a stone after a bit of roly poly, that's a backwards Rock and Roll then?
I usually avoid the sarcasm after, inasuch as, after 19 years of wedded bliss, I'm too busy weeping tears of gratitude.

Women only compare notes about the poor lovers. We compare dissertations on the good ones.

I've only really compared notes on actual sex once but it felt horrible and disloyal. So I stick to analysing kissing techniques with my pals, hairiness of forearms etc.
Women comparing notes on sexual performance? How shallow.

Thank goodness us men are above discussing such things
Mr B, ever thought it was 'not so much as a peck on the cheek' rather than the sarcasm that caused one of your females to attack you with a rock?

Mind you, I am sure your provocative posterior wriggling made up for it, you cheeky so-and-so...
Zuba: Men who do it are simply cads. The alpha male knows when to turn the other cheek to a female.

Lord Milky: He should walk up to one of them and ask her if she wants a bit of mushroom.

Ivonne: Thanks dear, you can date me any day of the week.

Simoney: He was only pretending to be asleep so he could blow one off without you nagging him.

China blue: Giggling is fine: sex and laughter go together for us apes.

Goth: What a punster you are!

Randall: Well, there's no need for it when you marry a lady.

Sam: I knew you were too much of a lady to call anyone "mushroom dick".

Frobisher: Gentlemen are above it, but there may not many of those in your locality.

Miss Cheese: If it were a human female, you'd be right. No man would be worthy of you unless he followed the sexual act with a full two hours of cuddling and French kissing.
I wonder if all that 'natural gas' could help to solve the energy crisis, worldwide.
I wasn't aware that was even possible.
Regarding farting. I wasn't aware that one 'held it in' whilst asleep. Puts me at ease about a few things, I can tell you.....
She'd get high as a kite. High on lurve that is.
I agree whole heartedly.
I didn't say they were gentlemen :)
This is one good argument for the ~less-known but wildly popular within it's region~ frippery of an item, known as ~Cover Clamps~. When you suspect there will be a bit of a gassing due, one can apply the cover clamps in advance, with far less irritation than a pair of nose clamps. A candle burning by the bedside can afford nasal relief for the gaseous unlucky & his bed partner as well. And a bit of ~Beano~ never hurt anyone either. (I know first-hand of these subjects, I happen to be married to one of the finest *methane foundries* this side of the Rockies.) :-D
Well, there seems like no greater declaration of love than ye olde dutch oven*. If they love you after this nasal assault then you are set for life.

My peccadilloes were pretty minor indeed. I would play drinking games mid-coitus such as "Have a shot of whiskey everytime she said 'Is it in yet?'" or call her "Bethany" during climax. She certainly didn't enjoy the fact that the whole act of making love wouldn't last longer than the length of a How I Met Your Mother episode, since I wanted to catch My Name is Earl afterwards.

*The term for farting in bed and fluffing the covers to forced on one's partner to take a whiff of the odour
Farting at cocktail parties is even more embarrassing. One should bribe one of the cocktail waiters to take the blame. Although last time I obviously did not bribe him enough. When I realized I had lost control of my sphincter I looked sternly at the waiter and said loudly: "Perkins! Stop that!" to which he replied "Certainly Madam, which way did it go?"
Aw, shucks GB...! What charm...
I am amazed that you reference your eavesdropped insight into your sexual habits as a "misfortune."

I have spent hundreds of dollars and thousands of hours of tape just trying to get such information.
The problem here, I believe, is that your courtship, post-courtship and inter-courtship skills are far in advance of the average human male's.
Men are badly designed, mentally, to deal with such complexities.
For example, when facing two ex-partners who are cahooting vigorously (steady), males usually retreat to the higher ground of their ego, by doing something manly like buying a large, expensive red automobile, or starting a war on flimsy pretences.
If only we were more gorilla-like.
"I told him that a forceful expulsion of flatulence was unlikely because sleep normally paralyses the muscles. Any gas building up in the bowels would probably leak out slowly, as if from a puncture."

The only time I have heard the Spouse Sparrow fart is in his sleep. Sometimes it leaks out slowly, sometimes it's a huge blast. The fart, that is. I'm not having a blast.
1, There are always 23 comments before mine and second farts are no grounds for a divorce
Sidhu: Humans don't produce enough. Cows might if you could find a way of collecting it.

kara: Unaware of what? You speak in riddles, Missy.

Ill man: The problem is that people often stir between dreams, which is when a blast might occur.

Lord Milky: Another one speaking in riddles. Who is this lucky female?

Zuba: Remember the scene in Live and Let Die when Bond refuses to tell Kananga he deflowered Miss Solitaire? Learn, people, learn.

Ms Redhead: I've never heard of such things! Are they the same as butt plugs?

Fatman: Isn't 'Bethany' a bit of a tongue-twister for man in his moment of ecstasy?

Lady Daphne: Hahaha! You were too indulgent with that cheeky fellow, ma'am.

Miss Cheese: You're so cute when you blush.

Oneear: I'm sure a call girl would give you an honest evaluation at an affordable price.

Mike: Really? We ought to ask Lord Milky's friend, Dr Mushroom, how he coped with the trauma.

Ms Sparrow: If he blasts one off he's not really sleeping. Tell him off next time.

Mutley: Well the last comments are often the most thoughtful. Thank you for sharing your legal expertise. Would forcing your spouse to inhale it deeply be grounds for divorce?
Is a messy divorce a situation where the judge sits on the bench eating salad cream sandwiches and Big Macs?
If sleep is to be blamed for divorce at all, then farting makes a nice noisy change to snoring, I would think...Or talking in one's sleep.
You're very clever GB about the technical functions of the gas bit & all but in a slightly sick way, you know what I mean...
Farting can be taken to a new level:

Surely beating your chest after blowing your stones is the ultimate Alpha male demonstration. That gives the gals something to talk about.
Preposterous! I come round for the first time in subjective eons and find this:
For gorillas, the answer is “yes”. If one of my females wants a change of scene, I find another alpha male willing to accept her and send her on her way with an affectionate pat on the rump.

Wouldn't the presence of a sexually active rival alpha male precipitate either a split of your troop or a fight for supremacy?
I'll take my answer off the air, ape.
Maybe we should exchange a 'bad habits' report before we enter into a relationship. But then, what would be the fun in that?

I fart in your general direction Mr Ape, you would get more that a rock on the head if you walked away from me without asking if I had finished!
Do you wear a wig Mr Bananas ?
Ron: Excellent use of humour to lighten a sombre subject.

Susan: I know what you mean, Suzy, and it was worth it just to hear you giggle.

Ratty: They've seen it too many times to be impressed. Amazing story about the Fartist you linked.

SafeT: He wasn't in my territory, the female had to emigrate.

Minx: I wouldn't need to ask you, dear, I'd be able to tell when you'd finished my keeping my fingers pressed against your abdomen. Works for all primate females.

Mutely: Not on your nelly! I explained why not here.
Mr Bananas: It's good that you explained this farting fact to the poor distraught man. However, it's bad that it isn't actually true. I discovered this, once, to my horror, but you won't want to know the details. I don't want to remember them.
As I would expect from you Mr Bananas, you play your trump card and end up smelling of roses.
Life seems to be so much simpler in the jungle, Mr B. When was the last time you had to spend good money on cinema tickets, a fancy meal with champagne and a box of chocolates, just to get some woman to agree to have sex with you whilst dressed as Napoleon?

(Her, that is. Not you.)
Hey women, you KNOW you fart like troopers while copulating, and you know they smell like something small crawled up there and died. So don't come over all coy.

I have to admit, there have been times when someone in the office - the alpha gorilla, usually - has been particularly rageous, and I have had to go across to his desk on a pretext, drop one off silently, and then slink away slowly to watch him gag.

Or dutch-ovened a male partner when he's rolled over and gone to sleep instead of discussing life and love.

As for comparing notes... "How long did you hold his head under the cover for". "Oh, at least until he stopped struggling."
Thanks Mr B, I had missed that post - what about a codpiece - betcha never wrote a post about codpieces didyer?
Bock: Sleep-farting is like sleep-walking: not many people do it, but those that do are embarrassed about it.

Baron: I'm glad you think so, but not all the ladies here would agree with you.

Asym: Napoleon! The only reason to tangle with someone dressed like that upstart would be to satisfy a sadistic urge!

Simoney: You are either guilty of hyperbole, Madam, or assuredly the Queen of Farts.

Mutley: I mentioned them in passing in a post about the Tower of London.
I've forgotten what it was I wasn't aware of. Time. It's a bitch.
That last line is some kind of Freudian wisdom.

Or something Oliver Reed would say.
Hilarious! ROTFL!
Have you a heart? Not judging, just wondering? And no, I don't mean do you have a heart? I mean do you feel emotion?
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