Wednesday, March 07, 2007
India's porn dilemma
What ever is going on in India? Some upstart minister has banned a satellite TV channel for showing a woman licking an ice cream. Has the man had some kind of mental breakdown? Watching women eat desserts is one of the great innocent pleasures of life. I used to do it all the time in the circus and it never failed to perk me up. I even carried packets of freshening wipes to offer to ladies whose indulgence left them with particularly sticky mouths. The minister’s idiocy seems to be an extreme reaction to the fear of spiritual pollution brought about by India’s economic liberalisation. The older generation, steeped in the morals of the late Empress of India, are terrified that the young may discover the more authentic tradition of the Kama Sutra. What would then stop them from shaming their elders by discussing sexual gymnastics at the dinner table? Hence the desperate measures to keep anything resembling hanky-panky off the TV screen.
As a gorilla, I have mixed feeling about pornography. Animals living in the wild have no need of it because sex is going on all around them. We hairy apes treat live action as something to be enjoyed when you're having a picnic with the kiddies. Mating elephants are a particular favourite: it’s a bit like watching a drunkard outside his front door trying to fit a key into the lock – slapstick comedy at its finest.
As far as humans are concerned, any television producer will tell you that a bit of soft porn is essential to attract a decent audience for quality late-evening drama. In my circus days, I often saw the clowns watching TV plays exploring serious social issues such as poverty, alienation, family breakdown, etc. You can bet your last pair of undies that they wouldn’t have bothered without the prospect of a pliant pair of boobies materialising mid-way through the transmission. Dogmatic opponents of pornography should bear this in mind before condemning it as a corrupting influence.
Hard-core porn is a different matter altogether. Far from encouraging people to have sex, it seems to take the place of it. The man who gets addicted to watching other humans bonking is on a sure path to impotence. I have only heard one good argument for making such films, which was made, unintentionally, by an elderly Irish lady. This woman was a wealthy widow, who being a great fan of circuses had helped us with our pre-event promotions when we visited Dublin. After our opening show, the all-female acrobat team invited her to a trailer for drinks and a chin wag.
“Oi wouldn't tink av comin' widout de marvellous blatherin' gorilla!” said Mrs Sweeney.
I wasn’t the sort of ape to disappoint a lady, particularly if she happened to be a fan, so I went along to the trailer and took an unobtrusive seat by the rear window. For all her talk of marvellous gorillas, the widow Sweeney seemed a lot more interested in chatting to the girls, and after few drinks the ladies seemed to have forgotten I was there. As is customary on such occasions, the conversation drifted into matters of a personal nature.
“You gals are so lucky wid de pill an' de sex-oo-al revolooshun,” declared Mrs Sweeney. “Oi wus a teenager when oi got married an' me an' me 'usban' knew nathin' about sex. Nathin' at all!”
“What did you do on your wedding night?” asked one of the girls.
“We agreed ter show each other what we 'ad,” replied the aged one. “An' when oi saw what yer man 'ad oi burst into tears!”
You would scarcely believe the outpouring of sympathetic cooing this revelation provoked.
“I don’t blame you darling,” said one of the girls. “When I saw my first one I wanted to call the police!”
Her co-performers giggled as if recalling their own sexual initiations, while I remained impassive, staring at my toes with my ears pricked up.
“Wus a week before we wus 'usban' an' wife in de proper sense,” continued Mrs Sweeney, “an' tree years before oi got any pleasure from de act.”
“Well you’re luckier than my sister then,” piped a cheeky female voice. “She didn’t enjoy it until after her divorce.”
“Find a gran’ fella, did she?” inquired the Celtic dowager.
“Found a good sex toy!” retorted the acrobat, prompting the entire female contingent to laugh uproariously, Mrs Sweeney being the heartiest among them.
These reminiscences convinced me of the need for explicit – yet tasteful – sexual films, aimed particularly at the pubescent human maiden. A girl should not have to endure an unpleasant shock before her first experience of love-making, and should also be reassured about the adaptive qualities of the human cha-cha. I should imagine that my friend Dickie Attenborough would be the right man for the director’s chair.
Labels: ice-cream, India, porn
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Well plotted and by-the-way soft porn is by far the best from a female point of view. Unfortunately I've never seen any that you could describe as actual porn. Actual porn is just funny with all these earnestly bobbing buttocks.
The Blue Lagoon taught me a bit as a girl and that bit in The Name of The Rose. Masterpiece Theatre could always be relied upon if you didn't mind the action taking place in some damp, cold forest where coldness is logically the only sensation you'd feel.
The BBC always does good work and stirring sex-scenes in its mini-series. The State Within was the most recent one I can think of that did something for this problemchildbride.
Women need more than just a visual; we need a story-line and a build-up and, most of all, a passionate man to get us there.
Just a wee public service announcement in the interests of promoting understanding between the sexes. That's all.
The Blue Lagoon taught me a bit as a girl and that bit in The Name of The Rose. Masterpiece Theatre could always be relied upon if you didn't mind the action taking place in some damp, cold forest where coldness is logically the only sensation you'd feel.
The BBC always does good work and stirring sex-scenes in its mini-series. The State Within was the most recent one I can think of that did something for this problemchildbride.
Women need more than just a visual; we need a story-line and a build-up and, most of all, a passionate man to get us there.
Just a wee public service announcement in the interests of promoting understanding between the sexes. That's all.
This frightened.
Clearly, my crate full of Hardcore Pornorgraphy will lead me on a road to Nowhere.
I must burn it at once.
Clearly, my crate full of Hardcore Pornorgraphy will lead me on a road to Nowhere.
I must burn it at once.
Another marvellous post, Mr Bananas. You really are at the top of your game at the moment.
The last time a woman saw my genitals she also burst into tears. I wouldn't have been overly concerned but she was my surgeon. I'd like to think that they were tears of pride in a job well done... I'd like to think that, but it's just not true. Not at all.
The last time a woman saw my genitals she also burst into tears. I wouldn't have been overly concerned but she was my surgeon. I'd like to think that they were tears of pride in a job well done... I'd like to think that, but it's just not true. Not at all.
Most amusing!
Late night TV sex is hardly a good educator. It only ever lasts 10 seconds and is always unprotected. It also has a strong leaning towards 'mad and passionate' rather than 'happily in love'... the kids would be better off learning on their own.
Late night TV sex is hardly a good educator. It only ever lasts 10 seconds and is always unprotected. It also has a strong leaning towards 'mad and passionate' rather than 'happily in love'... the kids would be better off learning on their own.
You're right about the porn, GB. Once you've seen one, you've essentially seen them all. It's what's between the ears that counts.
Cheers.
Cheers.
# posted by 
: Wednesday, March 07, 2007
: Wednesday, March 07, 2007
You make me laugh gorilla. Wouldn't it be fun if porn films were shown in sex education classes in schools to the young maidens. Actually, I think it's a good idea..but it would never fly, especially in the ultra moral USA.
Hilarious. But don't you believe that there's no hanky panky stuff on Indian television. There's enough suggestiveness in those song-and-dance routines involving scantily clad bimbettes, to teach even strip club dance pros a thing or two.
# posted by : Wednesday, March 07, 2007
: Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Emma: I knew you'd be the one woman not too embarrassed to deal with the hard issues here. Let me emphasize that the dialogue in this post is authentic.
Maggie: Glad to have made you laugh, dear. Care to share any of your own thoughts...?
Sam: The bit in Name of the Rose was great, wasn't it? But it couldn't have taught you all you needed to know.
Mosha: Throw in it the bin. Use your imagination if you have to spill your seed. It's more powerful.
Lynn: How about putting up a picture in your blog?
Jasper: Thank you, Sir, your plaudits inspire me. You must realise, of course, that the tears of a surgeon imply something quite different to the tears of a maiden.
Baron: You're right, but there needs to be a way of gradually learning without going all the way at too young an age.
Randall: Do you agree that the best fantasies involve those with whom you are already acquainted?
Beast: Alright, Clever Dick, which words were South African?
Crashdummie: You appear to be lost for words.
Pi: You're getting very saucy, ma'am!
Witnwisdumb: I'll take your word for it, but what about that minister? He would have beem mocked quite mercilessly in many other countries.
Maggie: Glad to have made you laugh, dear. Care to share any of your own thoughts...?
Sam: The bit in Name of the Rose was great, wasn't it? But it couldn't have taught you all you needed to know.
Mosha: Throw in it the bin. Use your imagination if you have to spill your seed. It's more powerful.
Lynn: How about putting up a picture in your blog?
Jasper: Thank you, Sir, your plaudits inspire me. You must realise, of course, that the tears of a surgeon imply something quite different to the tears of a maiden.
Baron: You're right, but there needs to be a way of gradually learning without going all the way at too young an age.
Randall: Do you agree that the best fantasies involve those with whom you are already acquainted?
Beast: Alright, Clever Dick, which words were South African?
Crashdummie: You appear to be lost for words.
Pi: You're getting very saucy, ma'am!
Witnwisdumb: I'll take your word for it, but what about that minister? He would have beem mocked quite mercilessly in many other countries.
There are some people out there who are still against sex education in schools ... I think there needs to be more! Not just about the mechanics, but the emotion and intimacy. Sex is great! It's a big deal!
# posted by : Wednesday, March 07, 2007
: Wednesday, March 07, 2007
All a young virgin needs to know can be learned from one good boddice-ripping novel. That shit is pornier than the porniest porn. And twice as educational. And that's all I'm going to say about that.
It's also a skill set. In other cultures young men and women learn their skills from the elders of their sex. I wouldn't want my own mum teaching me too much but I had some jolly lady neighbours growing up and it would have been fun to go round to theirs of a Saturday for tea and giggles and Advanced Fellatio Technique Class.
GB, I do agree about acquaintances, particularly if the fantasy involves one's spouse and a French maid outfit.
Sam, tea and giggles and Advanced Fellatio Technique Class.
Thank you for that image, dear.
Cheers.
Sam, tea and giggles and Advanced Fellatio Technique Class.
Thank you for that image, dear.
Cheers.
# posted by : Wednesday, March 07, 2007
: Wednesday, March 07, 2007
the internet is about porn, the internet is about porn, so grab your d**k and douple click, porn, porn, porn!
I suspected the surgeon was not moved to tears by the aesthetic beauty of my manhood; she immediately replaced the bandage and called for morphine. Once the morphine had kicked in she felt brave and high enough to take a second look. Unfortunately it was at this point that she caught sight of what was left of my testicles and she fainted dead away.
All this guys unzip their flies for porn, porn, porn.... Always made me more horny...
# posted by : Wednesday, March 07, 2007
: Wednesday, March 07, 2007
I agree with lynn. Now I want ice cream.
The concept of your blog is hilarious, btw. But I am sure you have no idea what I mean, gorilla. ;-)
The concept of your blog is hilarious, btw. But I am sure you have no idea what I mean, gorilla. ;-)
# posted by : Thursday, March 08, 2007
: Thursday, March 08, 2007
You don't need to tell me that. Thank heavens there is no window into my mind.
The whole place would be condemned in an instant.
The whole place would be condemned in an instant.
Laverne: Couldn't agree with you more, although I concur with Dr Freud that we primates learn about love and intimacy from being cuddled by our mothers.
Kara: But those books don't have pictures, do they? Let's get to the bottom line here - you didn't want to call the police?
Sam: Now you're talking, but fellatio is going to far. A simple handjob would be more than enough.
Randall: Sounds like you've got a healthy marriage!
Charlie: Like all things, the novelty wears off.
Jasper: You paint a sad picture, me old chum. Let's hope that stem cell treatment will soon be available to reverse the decay.
Freelance: Like drugs, you'll need a bigger and bigger dose for the same kick.
Dirty Princess: Lick it slowly for me. I'm not sure what you mean, but it intrigues me nevertheless.
Mosha: I knew as much, what with you being an artiste.
mj: You wouldn't get it past me because I'd eat it.
Kara: But those books don't have pictures, do they? Let's get to the bottom line here - you didn't want to call the police?
Sam: Now you're talking, but fellatio is going to far. A simple handjob would be more than enough.
Randall: Sounds like you've got a healthy marriage!
Charlie: Like all things, the novelty wears off.
Jasper: You paint a sad picture, me old chum. Let's hope that stem cell treatment will soon be available to reverse the decay.
Freelance: Like drugs, you'll need a bigger and bigger dose for the same kick.
Dirty Princess: Lick it slowly for me. I'm not sure what you mean, but it intrigues me nevertheless.
Mosha: I knew as much, what with you being an artiste.
mj: You wouldn't get it past me because I'd eat it.
I've never been too attracted to the site of other people getting jiggy in 2 dimensions. Someone once gave me a set of 3D glasses and pointed me towards a website where you could view that kind of thing in full 3D. I almost couldn't get out of the way fast enough during the money shot.
I remember standing at a bus stop in the summer, eating an ice-lolly that was the most phallic thing I've ever seen in a Walls cabinet, looking like an elderly Lolita. You should have heard the car horns honking - I felt like Fiona Richmond...
I go through phases. Sometimes it's Penthouse, sometimes it's something a little stronger....
I agree with the comment about XXX being responsible for getting the droop. It's my excuse and I'm sticking to it....
I agree with the comment about XXX being responsible for getting the droop. It's my excuse and I'm sticking to it....
Hahah i find it hillarious! And I think you apes have got the right idea. Out in the open! The way it was meant to be.
# posted by : Friday, March 09, 2007
: Friday, March 09, 2007
Oi remember Mrs Sweeney an' 'er 'usban'. We all reckoned they musta bin frum Cornwall, judgin boi their aaccents an' all.
Oi wunner 'ow they're gettin on these days?
Oi wunner 'ow they're gettin on these days?
When are we going to see Mark Ramprakash licking an ice cream then? He seems to be up for everything else.
Nanas, and all British bloggers too! Go check this out at The Troubled Diva: http://troubled-diva.com/labels/rednoseday.html
It's called A Shaggy Blog Story: a collaborative blog lark for Comic Relief but the deadline is Wednesday.
It's called A Shaggy Blog Story: a collaborative blog lark for Comic Relief but the deadline is Wednesday.
Is it mating season in the jungle? One appears to have a particularly 'one-track' mind at the moment.
Get over it (or on it, or in it or whatever it is that gorillas do)
Get over it (or on it, or in it or whatever it is that gorillas do)
Dr Joe: 3D porn! I suppose the spectacles would have been some kind of protection.
Clair: Pity someone didn't take a photo of you.
Ill Man: Wait until you're completely impotent before taking Viagra.
Bock: I don't believe Cornish people talk like that!
Lady Daphne: I suspect he'd want something meatier between his teeth.
Kara: I believe you. So did you want to call the police or not?
Sam: Sounds like a worthy endeavour.
Goth: Had you been reading this blog for longer you'd know it was the main topic. If you can't take the nookie, go and eat a cookie.
Clair: Pity someone didn't take a photo of you.
Ill Man: Wait until you're completely impotent before taking Viagra.
Bock: I don't believe Cornish people talk like that!
Lady Daphne: I suspect he'd want something meatier between his teeth.
Kara: I believe you. So did you want to call the police or not?
Sam: Sounds like a worthy endeavour.
Goth: Had you been reading this blog for longer you'd know it was the main topic. If you can't take the nookie, go and eat a cookie.
Mr. Ape, your blog is a revelation and a gift to human and animal alike.
"Hey mr. Tallyman, tally me banana/daylight come and me want some fun" Oh yes indeed.
Icecream is a beautiful thing, whomever is eating it. It's not something to be scared of. As for pornography, the Hare and I have formulated an equally confused hypothesis surround this. Usually I stick to 18th century stuff - you know - tablelegs, the suggestive arrangement of cutlery. The hare is a a feminist of sorts and he has a heart - of sorts, so this leaves him in a predicament when he's feeling develish out of mating hours. Sometimes somethings that must be done will be done. Note to crazy Republican evangelists - if you like Capitalism so much it follows that you must *love* pornography. Think of the economy! Hmmm...seems like its time to amend those family values of yours.
"Hey mr. Tallyman, tally me banana/daylight come and me want some fun" Oh yes indeed.
Icecream is a beautiful thing, whomever is eating it. It's not something to be scared of. As for pornography, the Hare and I have formulated an equally confused hypothesis surround this. Usually I stick to 18th century stuff - you know - tablelegs, the suggestive arrangement of cutlery. The hare is a a feminist of sorts and he has a heart - of sorts, so this leaves him in a predicament when he's feeling develish out of mating hours. Sometimes somethings that must be done will be done. Note to crazy Republican evangelists - if you like Capitalism so much it follows that you must *love* pornography. Think of the economy! Hmmm...seems like its time to amend those family values of yours.
# posted by : Saturday, March 10, 2007
: Saturday, March 10, 2007
If Dickie is unavailable to make the edu-porno, could ask his bro Dave-o? His voice over could make it extra classy.
# posted by : Saturday, March 10, 2007
: Saturday, March 10, 2007
And now I want ice cream too - it's just getting all that stickiness out of my feathers afterwards that's a bugger.
Oh, and do let me know if you find any South Africanisms in Mrs Sweeney's words. I, like you, am intrigued to know where they are.
Oh, and do let me know if you find any South Africanisms in Mrs Sweeney's words. I, like you, am intrigued to know where they are.
Mr GB sir, since you're friends with Lord Attenborough, maybe you could ask him to release the uncut version of Gandhi on DVD, for the pleasure of immoral Generation Y Hinjews like me.
Peter: Thank you kindly. Dabbling in both feminism and pornography is a strange business, even for a hare.
Tikkles: Davey has a great voice, but would anyone be listening to him if humans were going at it?
Atyllah: Maybe one of those extra-thick milk-shakes would work better for you.
Cow Tse Tung: Dickie denies that he filmed any scene where Ben Kingsley and Geraldine James were naked in bed.
Tikkles: Davey has a great voice, but would anyone be listening to him if humans were going at it?
Atyllah: Maybe one of those extra-thick milk-shakes would work better for you.
Cow Tse Tung: Dickie denies that he filmed any scene where Ben Kingsley and Geraldine James were naked in bed.
Mr Bananas, are you sure it was only your ears that pricked up?
;)
I agree with Kara completely. I tried the hardcore kind once and it snuffed out the wild fire of passion building up within, faster than Zephyr could ever hope to. It was two days before anyone could light it for me.
Why, a Mills and Boon romance novel can be more sensual! Laugh if you wish, but I'm not alone. Mills and Boon have over 3 million regular readers in the UK. And they cetainly couldn't be buying the books for their plot.
;)
I agree with Kara completely. I tried the hardcore kind once and it snuffed out the wild fire of passion building up within, faster than Zephyr could ever hope to. It was two days before anyone could light it for me.
Why, a Mills and Boon romance novel can be more sensual! Laugh if you wish, but I'm not alone. Mills and Boon have over 3 million regular readers in the UK. And they cetainly couldn't be buying the books for their plot.
I like you too Hannah. You've got a palindromic name. How sexy is that?
Princess Stef, I'm not laughing. Hardcore porn should be used for education, not stimulation. As for Kara, she still hasn't told me whether she wanted to call the police.
Princess Stef, I'm not laughing. Hardcore porn should be used for education, not stimulation. As for Kara, she still hasn't told me whether she wanted to call the police.
Before you make any comments about India, I advise you to visit it. We have come a long way.
But we still retain certain cultural values. Sexual liberation is not true liberation. Liberation of the mind in matters of religion is. Thats where India scores. We have a secular set up.
I do not think the ad is banned at all. We are still seeing it. Not that it matters one way or the other.
But we still retain certain cultural values. Sexual liberation is not true liberation. Liberation of the mind in matters of religion is. Thats where India scores. We have a secular set up.
I do not think the ad is banned at all. We are still seeing it. Not that it matters one way or the other.
"Sexual liberation is not true liberation."
How right you are, Gautami. I always tell the chimpanzees that the only true liberation is liberation from one's desires, but they just laugh at me.
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How right you are, Gautami. I always tell the chimpanzees that the only true liberation is liberation from one's desires, but they just laugh at me.
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