Monday, March 12, 2007

Bust relief

Heart-warming news from Germany: a man was persuaded to end his high-rise protest by a topless photo of his wife. There are so many positive aspects to this story that it’s difficult to know where to begin. First and foremost, it shows the power of the female bosom as a force for good. The woman concerned was a retired exotic dancer and mother of five. The fact that her breasts were still irresistible to her husband after years of continuous suckling sends a message of hope to all prospective mothers. Even after the most rigorous udder service, your sugar dumplings will still be able to lure the man in your life down from the top of a telegraph pole.

The incident also illustrates the innate rationality of the human male. The man was protesting about an impending jail term for what he claimed was a wrongful conviction. The picture of his wife’s hooters jolted him into a clear-headed assessment of the alternatives facing him. He could either spend his remaining days of freedom rubbing his hands together on a makeshift crow’s nest or rubbing his face against the fun cushions of his frisky spouse. Faced with such a choice, commonsense had to prevail.

I fervently hope that Frau Poledancer will remain true to him while he’s serving his 15-month sentence. Wouldn’t it be terrible if such an inspiring tale were to end in bathos and ignominy, with the valiant wife running off with some grubby hack who paid her 5,000 euros for the story? Were I a neighbour, I would offer to reside in the family home as a chaperone. Not many men have the nerve to try and slip one in when a gorilla is watching their every move.

Now quite a few ladies resent the male breast-fixation, arguing that a woman is more than a walking pair of tits. I can see what they’re getting at, but maybe they’re being oversensitive. I can’t think of a single woman who was appreciated only for her boobs. Barbara Windsor, the saucy cockney actress, had a charming giggle and the ability to memorise lines. Dolly Parton, the petite southern belle, was a talented singer and celebrated philosopher. Elizabeth Hurley, the ex-paramour of Huge Grant, has a very attractive face and the kind of plummy accent that makes a certain kind of man go weak at the knees. As a gorilla, I have never once fantasised about a woman in stiletto heels walking over my body. But if it were forced upon me, I would probably ask Liz to do the honours.

Breasts, as such, are neither good nor bad. It all depends on how they are used. Back in my circus days, I remember the knife-thrower’s assistant offering various intimacies to raise cash for a worthy charity. A kiss on the face cost £1, a French kiss cost £100 and a feel of both boobs (from behind) cost £1000. Little did she know that Rick Moranis, the millionaire actor, would be visiting the circus that afternoon. Moranis intended to make a contribution of £1000, yet was too embarrassed to capitalise on his good fortune by copping a feel of the young lady’s melons. He offered to take her on a dinner date instead. She was so charmed by his gentlemanly behaviour that she gave him not only breasts – but wings, drumsticks and parson’s nose – in the bedroom of his hotel suite.

Do men prefer women with large breasts? No, they only think they do. Smacker Ramrod, the circus vet, was always lusting after big-bosomed wenches, yet the woman he married had small ones. He confessed to me that he adored her little cupcakes because they made her look sweet and girly. It seems that breasts of all sizes have their attractions: large ones are maternal and facilitate safe sex (when suitably oiled); medium ones fit nicely into a man’s hands; small ones have a desirable virginal quality. I am personally convinced that most women who undergo cosmetic bust surgery have no need of it. It’s only required in rare cases, like that of Miss Chokesondick.

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Yay! I'm the first to comment.
I have a request. Someday, would you consider doing a post on what makes a female gorilla attractive? What would a female gorilla have to do to get her mate off the top of a Giant Sequoia?
(since it's very unlikely that a male gorilla would climb a Giant Sequoia, treat the question as purely hypothetical)
Good post, some very thought provoking issues. I am astonished, however, that this German chap was up a pole.Surely he must have realised the comic potential? He would have been taken more seriously if he had chained himself to something that didn't lend itself to cheap smut about back door sex or worse, some crude jibes about who started world war two.
I'm with you on the 'most-men-would-never-slip-alength-to-a-lady-whilst-a-guardian-primate-is-watching' philosophy.

It woul take a Madman or a Heroic Brave to attempt such a thing.

The thought alone is terrifying.
I have noticed a continuing theme to your recent posts. Would Mr Bananas be in season?
Breasts. Bosoms. Boobs. Tits. Baps. Carps. Funsacks. Top bollocks. Jumper potatoes. I could go on.

Despite what you may expect from me I have always through the ladypillow a fine piece of divine design. The good Lord was obviously having a particularly inspired day when he set to work on them. In fact I like them so much I once made a younger friend of mine get them cosmetically enhanced. He didn't like what they did to his shirts and had them removed quite quickly.
I think you'll find it's just female gorillas who have "seasons", Hashers. Males of all species are in season all year round. Reminds me of the famous riddle by our old friend Voltaire:

"Etrange animal, qui boit sans avoir soif et fait l'amour en toute saison". ("What is this strange animal, which drinks when it's not thirsty, and makes love in all seasons.")

I'm glad to see someone other than myself has spotted the philosophical depth of Dolly Parton. But Liz Hurley, as far as I can see, does not have any boobs.
Princess, it's their smell. If women were to use a perfume called "essence of in-heat gorilla vulva", I wouldn't be responsible for my actions.

Asym: Those jokes probably never occurred to him. Isn't German humour mainly about fat men slapping their thighs?

Mosha: You'd be surprised at the number of humans who fantasise about performing in front of animals. How many ladies
will admit to exposing themselves in front of their cats?

Baron: It's more a question of catering for my northern hemisphere readers, feeling the sap rise in springtime.

Jasper: Pressuring a young man to have his breasts enlarged is the sort of thing Jeremy Thorpe would have done in his younger days.

Lady Daphne: Excellent. Nothing like a bit of French to add class to a comments thread. Liz Hurley has been hiding them under her loose-fitting Indian garb.
It was Jeremy Thorpe I made do it.
That woman looks like Myra Hindley but we know she didn't have breasts she had 2 big poisonous warts. The combined effect of her head on a comely maiden's body is disconcertingly chilling.

Despite having them, I feel strangely unqualified to comment on breasts.
My wife is German, and to my knowledge, she has no such photographs. Perhaps she's saving them for when I do something especially moronic.

Personally, I don't mind that husband treats me like a walking pair of tits. Anyway, we tend to walk around outside, stare and the beautiful boobies and drool like morons. That's why we are so good together!

This is a hilarious, and educational, post, btw. I love how you say that men only think they love bigger breasts. I mean, a boob is a boob and it's bootiful!
I hate them...but that's only because I have them.
I am loathe to ask, but I will nonetheless: what of the poor women who've undergone mastectomies? How does Mr Bananas envision these poor human females feel when it appears that half the male population need to wonder at the curvaceous loveliness of the female form which they no longer possess?
Having studied Mr. B's words in depth (is there any other way to do it) I would say that his piece, whilst not mentioning woman who have had mastectomies in particular, was a rather enlightened piece about the unimportance of the female bust.

He stated his belief that men do not really like big breasts, they just think they do. He said that he could not think of a woman who was appreciated only for her breasts, and he said that most, not all, women who undergo cosmetic surgery on their busts do not need it, a fact that surely cannot be denied.

The mammory gland is, ounce for ounce, one of the most needlessly coverted items on the Earth. Whilst many men blunder around the area, both physically and mentally, I think the good gorilla has stepped very lightly on this occasion.
Sam: I think looks are deceptive in this case. Bearing five children and exposing your breasts for the welfare of your husband seems quite unselfish to me.

Randall: Ah yes! Wasn't she a teacher? Send her my regards and be careful what you tell her about this post.

Dirty Princess: You and your husband are proof that every relationship is unique. Good boob hunting!

Kara: You hate them? What have they ever done to you?

Atyllah: All I can suggest is that they call the police before their husbands get to the top of the pole. They might also work extra hard to keep their bums shapely.

Mr Goodballoon: I shall hire you as my defence counsel on Judgement Day.
As a gay man I don't really understand the whole boob thing either.

Give me a nice red baboon butt any day...
I think women's breasts, whatever the shape, are the second if not equal first core of a woman's being.
It saddens me that so many women should feel the need to tamper with them. The symmetry of her body is spoilt, the sensitivity eradicated and as for breast feeding, presumably she is depriving her child of nine months
supply of antibodies.
You can't afford me, Mr. B, plus I don't defend the indefensible and you are most certainly that.
Breasts are a nuisance if you want to play golf, or the accordion.

A lady friend also remarked that God didn't give men breasts because he knew quite well that no work would get done.
Freelance: Each to his own, although baboon butts are overrated in my view.

Pi: Symmetry of the boobs themselves is surely much to be admired.

Jasper: I could certainly afford you, but you were unwittingly wise in declaring me indefensible. There is no defence against your karma. Out of the mouth of a booby comes a ruby.

Asym: Are you sure they're a handicap in golf? I thought they were bad for driving but good for the short game.
In the past three months I have become something of an expert on the female body and I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment. I think it's all about nipples, personally.
I mean everything. Life.
Boyfriend is more of an ass man. I have reason to believe he once was inclined to go for breasts but then he met me. My ass is hot, my breasts are, well, handful size. Thank God men are adaptable.
Well, let's see. It hurts when I run...I can never fit into the shirts I want stare at them instead of my face...they get really really sore a couple times a month...bras are evil yet necessary but still more evil...oh...and did I mention men stare at them? Yes I did, but let me emphasize...skeezy men stare at them...yeah, that sums it up for the moment.
I am one of those men. I feel bad when I look yet they look so good.
Guilt is part of the pleasure I think, and I feel so guilty sometimes.

Many women I have noticed have a personal relationship( being attached to them) in that they assign a personality of sorts.
One lady I knew called them her unruly boys.
Which was a little off putting, I did not want to think about any kind of boy at all.
wow. cool post. thanks for validating us small boobed. haha
...he fact that her breasts were still irresistible to her husband after years...

How are you, GB? I thought the very same as soon as I saw your post and before I had read your line above. Lucky woman!

Also, no, I don't think big boobs make all that much of a difference when it comes to a bit of a romp. :-)
Ya .. sometimes when you get older, your bra size changes from 34B to 42 long. Sigh.
Kieran: Nipples are famous for exploding with delight. Is that your speciality?

Queenie: Your handfuls sound great. I don't think a queen should have big 'uns.

Kara: I didn't realise being a woman was so tough. But haven't you've left out the good bits?

Charlie: It's hard not to look at them when they're on show.

Hannah: My pleasure. Be proud of your cupcakes.

Susan: Hello Susan, I'm fine. Hope you're keeping well.

Jenny: I've never understood bra sizes, but yours are obviously still attractive to lesbians.
Loads of food for thought there,GB,good job as usual! I am a woman, and I really struggle to understand the male fascination for female breasts - which is a complete paradox considering that two weeks ago I seemed to have no problem at all analysing male buttocks...humans,hey,what are they like?! ;-)
A young friend of mine whom I have been trying to turn for some time now explained it to me with a rather interesting parallel.

He said to imagine being in the mood to hear a song on the radio then turning on the radio and hearing it. You wouldn't believe your luck, would you? His reactions to large breasts were the same; he was always in the mood to see them and he could never believe his luck when he did.

I'm much the same with crank. Mmmm...
Just saw an obese guy on tv who has a pair that have to be at least a D cup.

Breasts are nice, but there have to be other charms too.....
I am smeared in essence of gorilla on heat vulva ***waves enchantingly***
That Rick Moranis, eh? Always gets it for free. Kind of.

Moobs can be sexy too. But only size Fs.
A like girls with big udders, not especially huge pendulous melons but spambags large enough to have nipples like chocolate digestives on the end.
That said, I like the perky smaller variety too. I like em all.


Taters are splendid.....indeed.
Rick Moranis, incidently, is the perfect height to get his head between the bosoms of a tall, busty woman.
I have just added a little something to my small arsenal of items with which to make my husband do things (or, in fact, make my husband desist from doing things, as in this case). Thanks, Mr. GB!
I feel too hot to comment..... Buggerrrr........
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