Friday, February 16, 2007

Unrequited love story

There’s nothing like a female in distress to stir the chivalrous instincts of a male gorilla. I was quick off the mark to counsel Laverne, the yogic Canadian mom, when she appealed for help in her blog. Apparently, a walrus-like woman at her place of work had been invading her body space and whispering sweet-nothings into her happily-married ear. As Laverne put it:

“She’s VERY friendly, stands a little too close, her face turns red when she sees me, she kind of leans on my desk and she sort of softly says ‘Hey you’ when she sees me.”

I always give the same advice to women who find themselves in this situation: if Sugar Mama tries to force her attention on you, don’t resist or fight back. Allowing Miss Heffalump to play with your goodies is a lesser evil to getting bitten or scratched. Let nature take its course. It’s not as if she’s going to get you pregnant or give you AIDS. Just lie back and think of Ricardo Montalban.

Of course, it’s a good idea to make a mental note of everything she does to you. And after you’ve made a mental note, write it all down somewhere. Publish it in your blog, in fact, so there are witnesses who could later back you up. And don’t worry about what your husband or boyfriend will think. No man with balls in his sack would consider Sapphic acts with another woman to be cheating. The female gorillas in my harem are constantly fooling around with each other and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

For some reason, Laverne was not impressed by this advice. If memory serves, she used expressions like “You’re grossing me out, GB!” and “Stick it up your big hairy butt!”. Before I could protest that I had spoken in good faith – and that she was free to seek a second opinion – she fired off a telling question:

“What do you do to turn women off?” she asked pointedly. “I’m sure you have lots of experience with that.”

She had me there. When I was performing in the circus, you’d be amazed at the number of women who propositioned me backstage. They had these crazy fantasies of rough and hairy sex with a gorilla. Needless to say, it would have been a serious breach of professional ethics to have obliged them. Through trial and error, I discovered a foolproof method of cooling their ardour. I will let you in on the secret on condition that you apply the knowledge with restraint and discretion.

What I did was take one live locust and display it to the woman, holding it squirming between my thumb and forefinger. This would prompt her to say something like “Eeeuw! Make it go away!”. In deference to her request, I would then drop the locust into my mouth and eat it raw. This would invariably cause the woman to run away screaming, sometimes with her finger in her throat. It doesn’t matter how horny the woman is or who she has the hots for. If Russell Crowe himself were to devour a live locust, his most devoted female admirer would run for the sick bag.

Laverne seemed to give this idea serious consideration before rejecting it in favour of an alternative strategy involving her husband. She would get him on the phone when Miss Dikeypoo was standing nearby, and address him with endearments such as “big boy”, “honey hunk” and “daddy pie”. Her same-sex suitor would then surely realise that she was strictly a one-man woman and back off.

I wasn’t sure about this. Hell hath no fury… as the saying goes. So I advised Laverne to carry some pepper spray in her purse as a second line of defence. When desire festers in the bosom of the she-elephant, the park ranger keeps his rifle loaded.

UPDATE!: Laverne's husband came to the office on Valentine's Day and got his buns squeezed by his wife in full view of Miss Heffalump!

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"When desire festers in the bosom of the she-elephant, the park ranger keeps his rifle loaded."

It's wisdom like this that keeps me coming back to sit cross-legged at your hairy toes and look up in wonder at:
(1) The fact that I'm looking at a talking gorilla.
(2) the complicated, not un-tender cross-species feelings I'm having which I know are just plain wrong.
(3)the facts that she-elephants have bosoms and walruses can attack in the office at any time. And the wisdom to know that sometimes only a loaded gun will do.
I often think of Ricardo Montalban to get myself in the mood.

Usually, it gets me in the mood for persecuting vagrants in the hold, or for stranding people on remote planets.

Sometimes, it even gets me in the mood for wearing open chested brown tops and getting my hair coloured.
My only comment on the otherwise sound advice would to exercise caution when Miss Heffalump decides to have her wicked way with you.

If Miss H takes it into her head to sit on your face, you could be in trouble. 1 ton of blubber straddled across your face could lead to a severe lack of oxygen and in fat, no-one can here you scream.

I would suggest the purchase of a Cattle Prod and when said lard-arse gets too close, zap her and make a hasty getaway prefererably uphill and thus utilise the force of gravity also. Fat things can't run up hill but they can roll down them.
Bravo GB, for saying something that all men think but few are brave enough to tell their wives.
Surely any type of bodily emission would suffice in fending off such advances? As humans, we tend to restrict our live-bug-eating to reality tv shows.
This is less of a problem and more of an announcement. It's like when one of your buddies confides in you that he gets laid too much, or his penis is too big. A non-problem brag-fest disguised as a tragedy.
I wonder if Laverne would have felt differently if the harrasseuse had resembled Angelina Jolie?

I wouldn't be put off by your eating a locust,GB. Heaven knows, I had to put up with Harold noisily sucking the brains out of the rabbit's head when I served "lapin a la mode" at my candlelit dinner parties.
ha-ha! That's hillarious!
Wouldn't turn me off GB (I'm serious) if i fancy someone they can eat a live locust, they can eat a steaming pile of cat shit and I would still fancy them.
Cheating with Ms. Heffalump? Ew. I think I may have just thrown up in my mouth a li'l bit again. You're right GB ...I am a one man woman.

This is my original post:

Thank you all for the advice!
Tell me ... where can I buy live locusts? Are they an acquired taste?
Well apart from the trusty "close your eyes and think of Daniel Craig" there is little advice to offer - and whilst that may work with male primates, it's not going to work with a girl...of any species.
"Just lie back and think of Ricardo Montalban."

BOY did you just date yourself.
Sam, honey, my toes would tingle.

Captain Berk, I was thinking of his work on 'Fantasy Island' rather than 'Star Trek'.

Spanish Goth, you had obviously given this problem a lot of thought beforehand.

Tarzan, I'm sure your marriage is strong enough to survive a little honesty.

Kav, I'm not convinced that spitting at her would work.

Soap, welcome, but I think you have badly misjudged Laverne.

Lady Daphne and Emma: your passions are strong but your stomachs are stronger.

Partieweirdo, glad you enjoyed it, drop by again.

Laverne, thanks for being such a good sport. Didn't she leave you alone after hearing you call your husband 'honey hunk'?

Lippy, what about the raw locust advice?

Kara, saying 'Daniel Craig' wouldn't have been as funny.
Flinging faeces would probably do the trick nicely, GB - I'm surprised it wasn't top of your list.

Not that I ever needed any particular strategy to repel females. I was born gifted in that regard, I suppose...
Locusts? Did someone mention locusts? Lovely, crunchy locusts. I have a wonderful recipe for chocolate coated locusts if anyone cares to try. Or stir fried locusts with a bit of garlic and a hint of chilli.
Really humans! They don't know a good thing when they see it.
As for Ms Heffalump I'd recommend Laverne get herself caught having a rampant snog with a desperately handsome man - or gorilla. Whatever lets Ms Heffalump know she's not the gender of preference.
Of course one could simply try the old solution of tripping her over and rolling her down the nearest hill.

It's even easier if you wait till she falls asleep and then tip her over...
I'd do Angelia Jolie in a heartbeat and I am not gay.
Wouldn't a simple 'No thanks' do the trick?
I have written a poem. Devotes to you.
Furry gorilla
Decadent banana.
Locusts? Man I eat shit - no really - I do eat shit.
A lot of people have mentioned shit. But shit is dead, whereas locusts are alive. Also, fresh shit is cooked (or at leasted heated) whereas locusts are raw. Eating shit is easy, Mutley, it's enjoying the taste that is difficult.

Atyllah, Laverne groped her husband's bottom in front of Miss H on Valentine's Day. She admitted it in her blog! I think Miss H must have got the message by now.

Freelance, that might not be necessary now. The rotund one hath repenteth of her wicked desires.

Ms Castle, you are real woman.

Minx, are you trying to spoil everyone's fun here?

Thanks for the poem, Mu Tai.

Miss Dong
Miss Dong
Looks better than King Kong

Mu Tai
Mu Tai
Tastes better than Mao Tai
"Minx, are you trying to spoil everyone's fun here?"

Err, I ate some dodgy grapes and was just having a sensible moment.I'm sure everything will be okay tomorrow.
Change jobs?
Wow. Your sapphofficedecorumtips are only matched by your knowledge of Blogger... Sir, I salute you.
Another thing Mr Bananas - can gorillas get a gun license?
Living in Manchester,gay capital of England,I frequently rub shoulders with homosexual friends and collegues-it doesn't bother me what they choose to do in their private lives,but,as for heterosexual one-way harrasment,it makes me feel rather violated to have a woman pinch my ass or comment on my breasts..maybe Laverne was a little harsh on you (from what I see you are a real gentleman ape),but I wish you knew how wrong it that knowledge you would probably avoid leaving comments like that on Laverne's blog!!!
Daniel Craig is fugly. There. I said it.
Not one to hide my ignorance, I learnt a new word.
Sapphic, brilliant!!!!!!
I'm soooo going to start proliferating its use.
Thanks GB

Oh, and good advice too. I especially like the live locust bit, must try that one time.
When my barber slowly ran his hands down my shoulders before trimming the royal barnet I did feel violated so I can understand where she's coming from. Rather than going thrrough the whole locust rigmarole I simply had him beheaded.
Mutley, gorillas are pacifists 95% of the time. If provoked, they might lift you up by your hind legs and fart in your face.

Miss Chick, thank you so much. I try very hard to be a gentleman ape when commenting in your blog. Everywhere else I live by the motto: "turn up, talk crap, go home".

Kara, not tall enough for you is he? Did you like Pierce Brosnan?

Zuba, I was introduced to the word by the late Henry Root.

Baron, you have a genius for cutting though to the essence of a problem.
I assure you I didn't delete it, Frobisher. Maybe you dreamt you made the comment. At any rate, the floor is yours now.
I was once lured into bed by a lesbian. Of course I didn't know it at the time. It turned out she only slept with me so that people wouldn't realise she prefered women. Clearly my lovemaking skills were insufficient to turn her. I don't think my ego ever fully recovered.
If Laverne has any more hastle I suggest every time miss dikeypoo comes near her she should scratch her cruch vigorously and exclaim 'Its been 3 months now, the doctor said it should have cleared up now but it just smells worse'

hehe ;)

thanks for stopping by my blog
Fuck no! Sean Connery! The franchise should've died when he did!

I know he isn't really dead, but he's old so he might as well be.
Kim, maybe you should have offered her regular sessions to keep up appearances.

Cooltopten, that's not a bad idea, but Laverne seems to have settled for another solution.

Kara, heh! And I thought you'd be a George Lazenby girl. Now that guy was a real martial arts expert.
Like Ivan the Terrible, I too have perfected the Art of Turning Women Away. I have also developed an immunity to pepper sprays. Perhaps the hippo-esque woman has also. I'd go with a taser. Or maybe a cattle prod would be thematically appropriate.
You'll be happy to know that Ms. Heffalump didn't stop by this year on Valentine's Day. Whew! The locust eating must have worked!
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