Friday, February 02, 2007

Meat for the girls

Leonardo DiCaprio has denied being a “piece of cute meat”. Someone should tell this conceited young man to wait for the compliment before pretending to reject it. It seems that Hollywood celebrities have been desperate to play down their sex appeal ever since Steven Spielberg narrowly escaped being sodomised by a stalker. But if DiCaprio is really the ugly duckling he claims to be, how is he able to command a fee of $10 million per movie? No film studio would pay that kind of money for an actor with a face like Porky Pig.

In fairness to Leo, he may not have been talking about his face. I wouldn’t blame him for trying to postpone the fateful day when he is asked to bare his buttocks for the camera. His fans will certainly feel cheated if he hasn’t done so by the age of 35, and perhaps start to wonder whether his derrière is not disfigured by some great bulbous wart. It’s curious how these fashions creep into the movie industry. No one ever expected Humphrey Bogart or Spencer Tracey to show his backside to his fans, but nowadays it is more or less de rigueur for the leading man.

I suspect the fad for rear-exposure was kick-started by the narcissistic mooning of Richard Gere in American Gigolo. Gere also exposed himself frontally in that movie, but mercifully this precedent never caught on in Hollywood. The reason, I should imagine, is that few women derive any pleasure from ogling a man’s “meat-and-two-veg”, as the English housewife calls it. For the lady of good taste, HMS Winkie is a gunboat to be felt rather than seen. The hindquarters, however, are an entirely different cut of beef. Many are the times I have witnessed women peering at the well-packed posterior of a strutting young buck. Female gorillas, I should add, are just the same.

Of course, there was a time when mooning was a tactic used by heterosexual men to shock or humiliate their rivals. The Scotch reputedly did it to the English before their famous victory at the Bannockburn. In my circus days, I was asked to umpire a tennis match between the ringmaster and the senior clown. Believing that the ringmaster had served long, the clown caught the ball in his hand and threw it back over the net. The ringmaster, infuriated by this presumption, was having none of it.

“If that was a fault, I’ll show you my arse!” he bellowed, glaring at the clown before looking in my direction.

I adjudicated in the ringmaster’s favour.

Given that it is now socially acceptable for women to admire the male rump, they ought to come clean and say what they look for in a bottom. The film industry deserves no less from its enthusiastic patrons. Which of the following would be their ideal?

(a) an enormous billowy pumpkin, rough and cratered like the lunar surface;

(b) a smooth, tight, boyish pair of buns;

(c) a muscular pair of upper thighs, suggestive of the pelvic power of a rampaging stallion.

My guess is that the human female, being a complex and subtle creature, would like a combination of all three to suit her changing moods and evolving preferences. Such versatility, alas, is surely beyond the ingenuity of Mother Nature.

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Nice little bit you threw in about the ever changing moods / wants / needs of females GB.
In an age not too distant, when genetic manipulation and plastic surgery finally come together, women may well expect that from their mates.
Despite my changing moods I always set the same criteria in a bottom.

It must be smooth, spot free and perky. It also must be hair free.

The reason for this criteria is because a good bottom is determined by my over-whelming urge to bit it and the peachier it is the more likely I am to want to sink my teeth into it.

My BF dresses while I am still in bed and every morning I pretend to be asleep while I am really perving on his naked little butt fighting the urge not to feed on him for breakfast. . .
Yes, I'm so totally with drama queen. That sneaky peek is everything. :-)
As for the rest of the Hollywood stuff, it's just a merry-go-round. Just don't get dizzy from the ride.
So, how much did Porky Pig command from the studios?

Surely he must have had a minimum fee.

I like my bottom. I am narcissistic to a fault.

A double fault.
(b) or (c) but not ever (a). And if there are a pair of long, well muscled legs leading up to it so much the better!
One that has just got out of the shower, please.
Not a big fan of Di Caprio(in fact,can't stand the man!!!Agrrrr!!)so I am kinda happy he is keepin' is bottom securely covered up!Re:your curiosity on women's taste in male bottom,you find me in complete agreement with the comment by "Drama Queen"(above).May I also add that I have a real phobia for hairy butts...yuck! (must have moved on from my ape days..)Very articulate + nice blog.
I reckon Leonardo has no arse at all, just a little flat plateau where his back ends and his legs begin. But apparently he is very well endowed in the willy dept. Mother Nature making amends for his porky pig/chewed toffee face and pancake arse. Brad Pitt also has a flat saggy arse.

Whereas Ewan McGregor has an arse like two boiled eggs in a hankie, and has it written into every film contract that it must be exposed at least once - regardless of the story!
Ah yes, the perennial question of which backside to choose. I remember a time when this was all that taxed my senile old brain. There was one occasion in a steamroom in the red-light district of Seoul when I had the choice between roughly ten beautifully varied posteriors. Of course I chose the biggest.

I nearly fell in.
I must say I'm impressed at the candour of all your new female fans, GB. It must be the anonymity of the internet. I know for a fact that my wife is fascinated by male booty, but you'd have to torture her with a cattle prod to get her to admit it.
Really Tarzan? I tell my BF all the time I love his ass and I grab it enough to prove this :-)

Obviously he always repays the complement. . .
That should be compliment, bloody french keyboards. Thank God its Friday. . .
Hello and thank you Miss Italian Chick. If you scroll down to January 5, you'll find a post about Gina Lollobrigida that might interest you.

I thank the ladies for candidly stating their preferences, but based on your remarks, I can't imagine how any male rear could possibly compare with this clip of Miss Pamela Anderson.

Zuba, you'll have to tell us about Aussie women in your blog.

The problem with liking your own bottom, Mosha, is that it's difficult to get a good view of it.

Frobisher and Jasper, I'm getting curious about what each of you does for a living.
Before I die I want to see Johnny Depp's arse. Really, that's all I ask.
Leonardo DiCaprio is an extremely talented actor, really. I'm very impressed by his performances in The Aviator, The Departed and Blood Diamond. Oh, and he bared his buttocks in The Aviator.
You can't call this a living. It's just dying in slow-motion.

I'm long since retired my primate pal. Haven't done a hands turn in... well, ever actually.

I was lucky enough into what used to be called the ruling classes. Of course, the World has changed enormously since I summoned my first servant; today I would have to work hard and get myself adopted by a pop star. I'm not sure I could cope.
GB, here in the states, mooning tends to be practiced by drunk college fraternity types. Even as we speak, I stare at a case file wherein the plaintiff alleges my client negligently drove his auto, striking plaintiff while plaintiff was a pedestrian. Alas for plaintiff, he was in the middle of the road mooning passing motor vehicles. Thus, you must add a fourth category:

Bottoms with imprints of Chevrolet Malibu.


("HMS Winkie?" I would have thought "HMS Indefatigible" more appropriate.)
Thanks for the link gorilla. I'll leave Mr.DiCaprio to the ladies. That Halle Berry's got a nice one.
b/ is fine for me. The man in the photo looks as if he is clenching a f--t back.
IMO Leonardo's face is too squishy for a matinee idol and he has a tendency to fat - no bones.
He was good in this boy's life. I'm not sure if I have ever saw Halle Berry's arse, in Gothic you got hints at it and she wore padding I suspect she doesn't have one.

I showed mine to a rival once only to have him call the peelers, that never happened in braveheart.
True Story
Turning it around to a boys point of view, the cheeks should be prominent, and curvy, similar in many ways to what you may want form a girls butt, but also firm and tight.

Hairy saggy butts are best reserved for elderly cannibals.
King of arses was Johnny Weismuller who in a different age you would have worked with Mr B. (He was tarzan for the initiated) he also shaved his armpits...
I prefer areses with stubby wagging tails - I guess thats not to everyones taste?
Typical. Gorilla tries to get a serious discussion of anal sex going and along comes Knudsen to lower the tone.
Leo hasn't had it since Growing Pains. He just hit puberty one day and went all fugly. I saw him in the park at a Kerry rally and was all "king of the world, my ass". And then went and had a slushie. The end.
See what I can do fer ya GB ;)
As far as I can tell, they're much the same as anywhere else, maybe a little more relaxed.
That reminds me of a couple of French students a mate and I took to Sydney last year. Great girls, great derierre but boy where they uptight.
I like tight bottoms, but not tight personalities. ;)
I'm with mj... when do we get to see Johnny Depp's fine derierre???
Women on the Verge: This is the best I can do for now. Believe when I tell you I’m trying.
Well this is what happens when you write a post without doing any research. Leo has already bared his buttocks, Miao? Were they OK?

And I thought that college boys only mooned in the movies, but according to R. Sherman Esq they not only do it but sue for damages when cars hit them. And Mr Knudson says the Braveheart arse-shaking tradition is alive and shining in Scotland.

The one smartarse who's talking out of his rear-end is our canine chum, Mutley. Weismuller obviously never showed his butt on screen. You'd never get away with that in his day.

As for Johnny Depp, we'd all be honoured to see the buns of such a master of the craft.
约翰尼・Depp? 利奥? 谁是所有这人民?
Johnnie Depp? Leo? Who possesses this people?
Firm, well-feathered, rounded and clean - long erect tail feathers in striking flashes of red and orange help too. Even us hens know how to admire a rooster's derriere.

You couldn't have said it better!
I've never really had an eye for the tushes although I admire a nice one as much as the next housewife.

It's evolutionarally bass-ackwards I know, (see what I did there? see? see?) but despite the potentially superior thrusting ability of say, a Johnny Depp or a Leonardo, I've always been more drawn to shoulders and forearms.

The above bum is causing something deep to stir, mind you (By "the above bum" I was not referring to Old Knudders.)

Oooh blimey, but that is a nice one ... And hay too.
Leo has been cursed with wgat doctors refer to as Horizo-Glutimess. In other words, his butt crack runs sideways. It's one of the most crippling ailments of the 20th century. Bravo to Leo for being such a brave trooper.
Let's just say that his buttocks didn't leave any lasting impression.
Roosters' bottoms are very pluckable but not very palatable, I hear.

Sam, I've looked up the name of that bum just for you. It's an English bum called Shane Bryant. And here's the blog of a 15-year-old girl called Sam. I'd like to think you were like her when you were 15.
diCaprio always seems to have the sort of face where all his features are squashed in to the smalled amount of face possible. Maybe it is the forehead that accounts for 70% of his face that gives that impression.
You're not wrong Nanas.
Didn't he already show his arse? Wasn't he in that dodgy gay film with David Thewliss? I wouldn't know cause I don't watch such things. I will check with Mrs. Waring, she is something of an authority on the subject.
Bum, bum!
Dammit. I was about to say how his face is shrinking into the middle of itself but lucyp got there before me.

David Thewlis did a gay film? I just can't imagine.
P.S. c) please. Every time.
He did. It was called Total Eclipse. Mrs. Waring sez.....
Totally bummed out in this little chat on the derriere department. A toast to nice derrieres in whatever shape and sizes.
Don't you think its odd the way dogs bottoms are on display ? - I always jump when I accidentally catch a glimpse in a mirror - also rain gets up it if the winds from behind(!)- very poor design....
If it weren't for the rain, Mutley, I suspect it would never get washed. What suprises me is that DiCaprio seems to be exposing his bum on a regular basis. According to the comments above, he's already done it in both The Aviator and Total Eclipse. I'm glad I haven't seen them.
well, at least dear Leo doesn't look like a 13-year-old lesbian any more.

And thanks for the linky, GB!
I don't really have any desire to see Leo's bum ...but George Clooney's in Solaris -- that was the only good part of that movie.

I also have to agree that women don't need to see men's dangly bits. The tush is sufficient.
What an eye-opener this comment thread it. And there was me thinking that muscularity was the only important trait for the male rear.
I never thought that peachiness came into it, certainly.
As for frontals, yes, men are at a distinct aesthetic disadvantage, especially when Last Turkey In The Shop syndrome can strike at any time the temperature goes below a certain level.
The female behind is, in my opinion, greatly complemented by the curve of the lower back. The two are of equal importance and work in synergy. Legs That Don't Quit are a plus.
(I'm not trying to hijack this Male Buttathon, just add a little opposite-gender balance).
I am probably in the minority here but I hardly ever check out a man's arse, it's more, has he got a nice pair of shoulders, a sexy nape, would I want to kiss it? Nice ears, nice hands, and er, does his package fill out his trousers?
The curve of a woman's back is known in French as "la chute des reins" or "the fall of the kidneys". Trust the frogs to bring food into it.

Gerard Depardieu was always very enthusiastic about showing his bum, ditto Harvey Keitel. Neither of them have great bums, but their glee at getting naked was quite amusing.

Ladies (and gents possibly) who prefer the frontal appendages might like to study some crown jewellery here - as the song says: big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.
Hello Clair, I'd never thought of the lesbian angle, but it seems so obvious now that you mention it. Laverne (above) is currently being stalked by a lesbian, so she should have pertinent views on this.

Emmak, it seems you are not alone: Sam (above) said the same thing (apart from the package).

Mike and Daphne, that curve thing is a work of art, but what do you think of female gymnasts? Don't they prove it's possible for a woman to have a curve that's too pronounced and a bum that's too firm?

Thanks for the link, milady. I would expect no less from a woman of your worldy wisdom.
If only the movies were a little closer to real life. That way when Di Caprio revealed his spotty butt he'd accidentally let one go and empty the room...
No one has mentioned builder's cleavage. Surely all women must find the sight of that hairy chasm a huge turn-on?
And talking of sex, how do beans fit into an average Gorillas libido ?

Ok, so they're misguided middle-class
Japanese students - but, hey, some people can be misguided middle-class students all their life and still manage to do some good.
Speaking for myself, I'd just about rather see a gorilla bum than Leo's.
Whenever I audition for a role I insist that I do it pantless- even for voice-over roles for commercials. I feel that unless my rump is free to the world I cannot reach in and grab the feel of the character that I'm playing. Needless to say My Agent hasn't returned my calls in 18 years.
he looks happy to be pleasing her but he needs to lose the mustache.
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