Monday, February 26, 2007

Courtroom drag act

Baffling news from New Zealand: a male barrister has been held in contempt of court after appearing before the judge in ladieswear. I should have thought that cross-dressing was one of the main attractions of the profession. Admittedly, this particular gentleman preferred a Little Bo Peep costume to the traditional black gown and ram’s arse wig, but who are judges to complain when many of them wear nappies as a form of recreation? Give a man a gavel and the power goes to his head.

His reason for wearing a girl’s dress was to protest against the overly-male judiciary. Yet there are surely valid legal arguments against female judges. Bear in mind that most criminals are young men, and the worst rogues among them are often blessed with the looks of Ray Liotta in Goodfellas. What is to stop them from flirting with a female judge by mentally undressing her in court and making passionate eye-contact whenever she addresses him? Most lady judges would be of an age when that kind of attention from a younger man is hugely flattering. Would a woman subjected to such fervent ogling really be capable of putting her romantic fantasies to one side when sentencing the fellow? This is much less of a problem for male judges, as very few villains would make lustful eyes at an old buffer in a wig, even in the hope of a lighter sentence.

The justified exclusion of women from the judiciary by no means implies that the men are doing a good job. Besides being too big for their boots, most of them are sorely lacking in imagination. As I see it, a judgement isn’t worth its salt unless it induces awed gasps of disbelief from the public gallery, followed by a hush in which the guilty man gapes like a fish that’s just seen Jimmy Savile in the nude. Occasionally you get a lateral-thinking judge who dreams up a new punishment, but most of them are stuck in the rut of passing the same old sentences for the same old crimes. What are the alternatives to a prison term or a fine? Here are three off the top of my hairy head:

Whatever happened to this form of rehabilitation? Roman emperors and medieval kings were banishing people all the time. The vast empty spaces of Greenland cry out for penitent humans to build igloos, pull sleds and feed the hungry polar bears.

Placing in stocks
Another one that was popular in the middle ages but has now fallen into disuse. I wouldn’t allow onlookers to throw tomatoes at the prisoners though, which is a waste of good fruit. If they must indulge their vindictive passions, let them daub the convicts with brightly-coloured dyes.

The dead leg
This would never work on gorillas, but I believe it’s highly effective on juvenile humans, the technique having been perfected in countless school playgrounds. One to be applied with caution and commonsense, I feel.

I have deliberately avoided mention of the death-penalty for fear of stirring up heated emotions. The only time I ever debated the issue was when I was a young circus ape. We performers had been invited to tea at the home of Reginald Bullshot, a retired army colonel who had invested in the circus. I happened to mention that some appalling serial killer ought to be fed to the lions.

“Executing a mass murderer won’t bring his victims back to life,” said Colonel Bullshot gravely. “It’s no good killing these blackguards after they’ve done the deed. You’ve got to kill ‘em before they get the chance.”

I scratched my head in confusion. “How do you tell which people are going to commit murder?” I asked.

“You can see it in their faces, by Jove!” exclaimed the Colonel. “All it takes is a bit of practice.”

Ever since then I have always carefully scrutinised the faces of humans for evidence of criminal intent. It must be admitted that the Colonel has a point. Quite a few humans – particularly young men – have the malevolent countenances one would expect of future hoodlums and assassins. But is it ever right to shoot a man simply because of his treacherous face? Thank goodness I’m a gorilla and don’t have to grapple with these complex moral questions.

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Yeah. First!!

I'll be back later to leave a post related comment. . .
I've often thought that the stocks would be a good thing to bring back. Particularly for gang related crimes where individuals consider a couple of years of bird to be right of passage. Perhaps the subject should also be made to wear the bo-peep outfit too?

The dead leg on the other hand I'm thinking might be a little lenient if not accompanied by a Chinese burn.
Valid arguments against female judges ?

Well given my recent rejection letter from the Judicial Appointments Commission you are clearly not the only one who thinks so!
Lippy - really? that's rather unfortunate, but then again you are female. ;)
Just kidding!!!

After finding out that one of my mates in rehab was attacked from behind by three men and beaten with his own crutch I would be keen to see the lobotomy come into play as a form of punishment. Those three 'men' obviously aren't using their frontal lobes so we should just save them the hassle of carrying them around all the time.
"But is it ever right to shoot a man simply because of his treacherous face?"

Not the best idea GB, but if you were going to do it that scowling ruffian in the picture ought to be first in the queue.
Hah! Have you read Vernon God Little, GB? The guy in that gets the death penatly for looking a bit shifty.
There's always the Kesselfang. Hand in boiling water; if it heals you're innocent. If not, you're guilty. God decides and we humans don't have to deal with complex moral issues.

You didn't mention the Iron Maiden - "An iron maiden is an iron cabinet built to torture or kill a person by piercing the body with sharp objects....." which has since been improved to a sound that penetrates the brain and forces the tortured into having crappy hair cuts, wearing denim and generally being a poofy ponce.

too funny!
That fellow has the arch look of a cruel felon. Perhaps a con-artist scammer of somekind.

He looks like the sort that needs a good banishing.
Coventry is full of the banished. Can't move for them; miserable lot.
You are right about female judges - I believe that my old friend Cherie Blair sits as a judge sometimes and is notorious for her poor sentencing. I suggest giving the miscreant flees and locking them in a room with 37 female lawyers as a punishment fitting the most heinous of crimes!
Oh honey ... if you're going to speak that way about women ... that they fantasize about criminals who flirt with them and can't control themselves and make bad judgements... I may not visit your blog anymore.
Queenie: Friday's post will be more up your street.

Baron: An American judge once made some convicts stand by a busy road wearing pink dresses. Humans seem to have lost the art of ritual humiliation.

Lippy: Why did they turn you down? Without that vital piece of data, this debate cannot proceed.

Zuba: A permanent dead leg might be a better option for them.

Tarzan: I knew you wouldn't like him, but what about the ladies here?

kav: I looked it up on wiki and it sounds worth a read.

Randall: I just knew those lobsters were guilty of something.

Goth: Are you saying that heavy metal fans are poofy ponces? You're gonna have to back that up with hard evidence before I believe it.

tk: Glad you liked it, ma'am. Your picture leaves me hypnotised and frustrated at the same time.

Mosha: I thought it was a toss up between putting him in stocks or shooting him.

Sam: I'd never send you there, sweetie.

Mutley: You could give him the fleas and the lawyers could tickle him to death with their wigs.

Laverne: I kiss the hem of your skirt if I've offended you. Exactly the same would be true of male judges if they could find a criminal to flirt with them.
Apologies for the delay in responding to the comments you left on my blog - unforgivable, no excuses, wrist duly slapped.

Thanks you for taking the trouble to leave a comment on my blog

I see from your blog you have as much fun blogging as I do - and I guess find it very therapeutic getting your thoughts down on paper. Hope our paths cross again soon
Could of been worse, he could have turned up in a batman costume waving a father for justice banner...
The picture is a study in disappointment and sadness. It could be called Stood Up. Again or something.
Not ALL heavy metal fans are poncy, like not all gorillas can talk.

However, the roll call reads Motley Crue, Twisted Sister, Tigertailz

Can I stop now, looking at these human poodles is giving me a headache. (Even though it does come back rather neatly to the Drag Act).....
Am all in favour of a sound thrashing, myself.

Now, will one the ladies just tie me up and get on with it?
Granny says if she were a judge and a young criminal tried to undress her, she'd add it to his list of crimes! But then that's Granny for you.

By the way, found very good stocks in a junk shop the other day - it had tremendous possibilities...
under Louis XI one locked up the opponents in iron cages which one called “Demoiselles” but the dress not making the monk, and with suposer that does say it monk have a mine patibulaire or is the solution?
I have no idea why they turned me down - there was an option in the rejection letter to get a "Detailed response" but I was too much of a wimp, and too gutted to face the reality of just how much they hated me!
Jesus. I have no control over my face! Is it treacherous? I don't know! I don't mean for it to be! Shit shit shit shit. Don't shoot me until I've had a chance to speak to a plastic surgeon!
That one at the bottom has shifty hair and suspect eyes - knee-cap him now.
It's a bit like letting people off on the grounds of insanity.

Surely the very first people we should be hanging are madmen.
Haha I applaud yet pity the man
Atyllah: Granny needs to live a little. Getting the odd tail feather plucked would liven things up at her age.

Dip Doc: The solution is Madame la Guillotine, as long as the right person gets chopped. I am glad the Marquis de Sade was spared.

Lippy: In your next application, make it very clear that you have never had sexual fanatasies about the man standing in the dock. That should grease the wheels.

Kara: Your face is fine, honey, it's your sharp tongue that would have got you into trouble with a medieval king. Ever heard of the scold's bridle?

Minx: That's the spirit. What would be the right animal for a witch to turn him into? A rat perhaps?

Bock: The really mad ones probably wouldn't even complain about it either.

Paddy: Do you think you'd resemble him if you made a sulky face?
Vlad the Impaler had his men nail a man's hat to his head because the wretch didn't doff it as his lord drove past.

Whereas Vlad the Impala is a small deer in Whipsnade zoo.
You can take the moral highground, gorilla, but I saw footage of you lot ripping a little fluffy cute leopard cub to pieces for fun.

And Most Malevolent Male beings wear hoods - being a gorilla, guess you don't know much about clothes - so you can't see their faces. Which is best really, given their tendency to acne.
preventive measures sometimes trigger the event of which it was supposed to prevent from happening!

'have nothing against people who display their outward protest in any way they think would call attention to themselves.

but most ppl do succumb to stupidity in some cases.

i wonder why he cannot find better shoes.
Has anyone thought of bringing back the rack?

It would be most effective for those Ray Liotta types who think a little bit of winking and flirting will get them off their charge of stealing a handkerchief.

Oh and it does wonder for thier posture which is great because we all know that crims loiter about in a stooped fashion looking suspicious. That's why they invented it in the olden days, they were trying to sory out their Repetitive Strain Injuries; it was for their own good, honest.
A better form of punishment would be to have the convicted felons serve time by being part of the studio audience of a late night informercial . Every shoddy knife set, every new fitness device, the criminals would be forced to applaude and ooh-and-aah on cue with the rest of the bovine-like cretins who occupy the chairs next to them.
Asym42: And Brad the Impaler was an American javelin thrower who misdirected one of his throws.

Simoney: There's not a hood that's been invented that I couldn't rip off with a single swipe of my paw. I'll look into the assault on the leopard cub if you give me the details, but it sounds like chimps.

Rhadamantus: I like his shoes - they match the dress.

Ms Cheese: I like the way you think. You'd also get to hear them groan, which would be a pleasure for some.

Fatman: That kind of punishment is reserved for God. It's the afterlife for the worst sinners on Earth.
Why, I do believe dat's my Uncle Tommy. Still on the run don't ya know.

That's a sexy judge. Excuse my perversions.
I scratched my head in confusion. “How do you tell which people are going to commit murder?” I asked.

“You can see it in their faces, by Jove!” exclaimed the Colonel. “All it takes is a bit of practice.”

If this was the case then George Bush would have been fried on the spot. Innit?
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