Friday, November 17, 2006

The new James Bond

Got a call from Danny Craig last week, begging me to attend the premiere of Casino Royale. The poor chap was terrified of being compared unfavourably to Sean Connery and desperately wanted someone to take the spotlight off him. While agreeing that a gorilla in a dinner jacket might well steal the evening, I told him to let the critics be damned and face the glare of publicity like a man.

He was also worried about being shorter than his predecessors. I told him to forget it. In my experience, the tall man is vulnerable – pat him firmly in the midriff and he folds up like an Arab tent. Pierce Brosnan was a damn fine actor, but I’ll never forget the scene in which Miss Onatopp squeezes the pips out of him while bringing herself to a climax. She’d never have attempted a trick like that on Daniel, who wouldn’t miss a breath if a couple of geishas danced on his chunky chest.

Daniel has been pestering me for advice ever since I got him the part of 007. After initially getting refused for the role, he turned up at Dr Whipsnade’s residence when I was there on a short visit. He joined me in the drawing room and slumped down on a sofa with his hands over his face.

“I was great in the screen test so why did they turn me down?” he moaned. “I don’t know what to do, GB, I just don’t know what to do.”

“You can stand up and behave like a man!” I barked, hauling him to his feet and slapping his face.

He then told me about his audition and pleaded for my help, knowing full well that a gorilla never refuses a request when he’s living in the home of a human.

“Leave this with me, Danny,” I said. “We’ll persuade the producer to change his mind.”

So Dr Whipsnade drove to Pinewood Studies to meet Michael G Wilson, the man in charge of the James Bond project. Wilson admitted that Daniel was perfect for the part but angrily refused to reconsider his decision, claiming that his half-sister had once been goosed by Daniel at a party. Dr Whipsnade told me the bad news straight away and I joined him in Buckinghamshire. We eventually found a way of reasoning with the tough-talking movie-producer. I don’t want to go into details, but suffice it to say that Wilson woke up one morning with the severed tail of his pet Iguana under the duvet.

I hoped that Daniel would relax after getting the part, but like so many actors he’s plagued with insecurities. Very self-conscious about being the first blond 007, he called me in a huff after some hack had dubbed him “James Blonde”. I told him not to worry about it; but then he came up with the crazy idea of shagging ‘M’ to prove he wasn’t a girly man. “Only a really hard stud would do something like that,” he asserted. “I’ll ask for the scene to be in the next picture.”

I clearly had to nip this one in the bud. “Having sex with ‘M’ is out of the question, Danny,” I said firmly. “She’s old enough to be your mother and a Dame of the British Empire to boot. Do you want people to think you’re a granny-chaser?”

“Well what do you suggest?” asked Daniel querulously.

My mind flashed back over previous Bond movies. “I’ve never seen James Bond having really wild sex,” I mused. “I mean thumping his chest like a gorilla before mounting his female co-star in the ‘squatting-baboon’ position.”

Daniel was suitably impressed by this idea, so I promised to fix it with Wilson. I called Dr Whipsnade next day to make the following inquiry:

“Does that movie-producer have any other pets besides the lizard I pruned?”

pat him firmly in the midriff and he folds up like an Arab tent

This is why I never tire of your blog, GB
"his half-sister had once been goosed by Daniel at a party."

I'm impressed by your homework, GB. His half-sister is Barbara Broccoli, who's the real power behind the throne. Her picture was in yesterday's Times and she's not a bad looking woman. I might have been tempted to goose her myself
Daniel Craig is not a sissy, he has the ruthless blond hair of the trained killer and the ice blue eyes of a Norse God. Unfortunately I feel more like Moneypenny these days, desperately in love with Bond but never gets a shag.
I'm glad you've taken to him, Lady Daphne, but don't forget that he's an actor. The smart women use Bond as a stud without falling for him.
I have to admire the extent you go to to help some of these celebrity types GB. Too often people will give up after the first failed attempt at something. Einstein clawed his way out of the Swiss Patent Office by writing every day until the Nobel Peace prize people gave him an award just so he'd go away. Lance Armstrong kept improving his cycling regardless of the fact that cancer took his testicles, abdomen and lungs and was the first brain-in-a-jar to take seven consecutive Tour de France titles.

I really like your approach. If a producer refuses to have you in a film: injure their pets. Send them the severed ear of one of their children until they finally give you that role. Reading your words make me want to be a better person...who may kidnap kids to make his dreams come true.
By the way, that Daniel Craig sounds like a bit of a whiner. You may want to stop accepting his calls or I fear you and Whipsnade may have to cut many an Iguana tail on a regular basis.
Oh Fatman, what a gentleman you are to comment on my post while pretending not to notice the cinematic plagiarism. I used to think you were a smart-arse slob, but now I know better.
I have no use for a stud at my age, GB. I was built for comfort, not speed.
Daniel Craig has already played a granny-chaser in the film "The Mother". Although I agree that doing Dame Judi would simply cement the reputation somewhat...
I never realised that, Binty, although the IMDb site says she was middle-aged. Apparently he was doing mother and daughter at the same time.
A girl I work with used to get the bus with Daniel, and she confirmed that he really is as insecure as you illustrate here. Whoda thought?
That shot of him emerging from the water has made things very difficult for me. I keep getting mistaken for him. Of course I'm a real spy and know that the job has little to do with guns and brawn. It's all about those dangerous metals.
Outstanding post, GB - am still choking on my coffee. Daniel Craig makes all the previous Bonds look like amateurs - for the first time, he is a believable Bond, capable of being the ruthless 00, rather than those limp, pretty poseurs previously in the role. You are obviously an expert at spotting real talent, GB, if those film directors had your hairiness as their in-house casting agent, we'd get decent movies.
Most actors are like that, Kav, it's inevitable in a career where you're at the mercy of people's whims. At least a businessman can count the cash in the till.

Kieran, you're obviously star material and I'd happily be your agent. Forget about Bond and think of steamy love scenes with Keira Knightly. I assume you've got no problem with exposing your bum.

Glad you liked it Shebah. I do like Danny in the role and am making arrangements to see the movie soon.
Gross, Kiera Knightley, can't think of anyone I would less like to do a steamy love scene with. She reminds me somewhat of the anus of a dead ostrich
She's not my cup of tea either, Face, although I'd prefer her to an ostrich anus, dead or alive. Men of Kieran's age are supposedly wild about her.
Not me guvnor. Never understood it. I find her chin protrudes too much. Some may call me picky, but there you go. It's all about Charlotte Gainsbourg in my book.
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