Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Tony Curtis: look back in pleasure

Hats off to Tony Curtis for swearing off Viagra at the tender age of 81. It’s never too late to kick a harmful drug habit. That noxious substance will give a man an erection even if he’s not thinking about sex. Once he’s swallowed the stiffy-pill, it doesn’t matter if the vicar rings the front door bell or the wife gets covered in warts. The beast won’t return to the cage until the drug wears off, and not even thoughts of irregular verbs or Donald Trump’s dentures will calm it down. No male gorilla would ever think of taking a drug like that. There is a saying in the jungle that he who permits the python to roam freely dices with his dignity. In the wrong setting, a primate’s potent pride is nothing more than a joke phallus.

Age, it seems, has made Mr Curtis wise. He is now happy to let nature take its course every Veteran’s Day or whenever. And while he is waiting for the sap to rise, he can savour sweet memories of youthful debauchery. A treasured highlight would be his five-month love affair with Marilyn Monroe, then a 19-year-old starlet unseasoned in the sensual arts. It’s a fair bet that he gave Norma Jeane her first orgasm, which is not a bad thing to have on your resumé. Years later, of course, he starred with her in Some Like It Hot, when he famously said that making out with Marilyn was like “kissing Hitler”. People thought he was being ungallant, but it turns out they misunderstood him. He wasn’t referring to Adolf Hitler, the Fuhrer, but Klara Hitler, the Fuhrer’s enticingly demure mother. If Marilyn kissed as well as Frau Hitler – reputedly the hottest Austrian totty of her time – she was some kisser indeed.

The one major disappointment in Tony’s life is his still cold relationship with daughter Jamie Lee, once described by Penthouse magazine as “a very talented actress with a fabulous pair of hooters”. The daddy’s girl syndrome never quite materialised for Tony and Jamie, possibly because the former was out looking for poontang while the latter was having her birthday parties. My advice to Tony is that it’s never too late to make amends. Invite Jamie Lee over to the ranch and let her take charge of daddy’s favourite colt, feeding it sugar lumps, brushing its mane and riding it rampantly through the prairie fields. When she returns, flushed and breathless, greet her with a surprise party serving up toasted marshmallows, chocolate-chip cookies, gingerbread men and other girly delights. A daughter needs to know that she’s the apple of her daddy’s eye, and once he starts making a fuss of her, I predict that she’ll jump into his lap like a kitten.

Tony Curtis is one of the passing icons of our age, and I urge readers to show their appreciation for him by splashing out on
newly-released DVDs of The Persuaders!, a 1970s crime caper in which he co-starred with Roger Moore. Curtis and Moore played a pair of playboy sleuths, racing their sports cars in Monte Carlo, over-tipping waiters in the Riviera, and giving moustachioed villains a well-deserved bunch of fives. It’s vintage stuff, and the DVDs are worth buying for the theme music alone. Dr Whipsnade’s late father said that listening to that classic John Barry tune made him feel as if he’d just emptied his bowels. He was an eccentric man, Whipsnade senior, but I know exactly what he meant.

I remember The Persuaders. It was one of those 'adult' programmes that came on in the afternoon so we children could watch it. The Tony Curtis character seemed pretty cool and funny, although I was only about 7 at the time. I don't remember feeling as if I'd had a shit after hearing the theme tune.
He's Hungarian, you know, that Tony Curtis. As my wife never fails to remind me every time she hears him mentioned. Every. Single. Time.

Hungarians are starved for exemplars, poor things. To be famous in Hungary is to be famous for yards around...
Irregular verbs can be very sexy under the right circumstances, Mr. Nanas. The lighting has to be right though, otherwise you're left with regular transients. For an irregular verb, as with the rest of the loving arts, it all depends on what you do with it.

I'm left feeling disconcerted by seeing my Primary 2 teacher's body under Roger Moore's head. It's horrible in ways I can't rightly articulate.

I didn't know about the estrangement from Jamie-Lee Curtis. That's too bad.
Maybe they sound sexy when you utter them, Sam, but probably not when most men think of them. I think Roger looks that way becausing he's slouching rather than standing up straight with his chest out.
Oi Ivan, my friend lived in Hungary and she says the guys there are always horny and incredible in bed. If your wife preferred you to them, you're either very rich or a hell of a stud.
Persuaders. Best ever TV theme.
Who are these dickheads? I've never seen them post here before.
They were all the same person, Beth. A wacko who wanted us to know that Tony Curtis is Jewish. Now that we know, his messages can go in the bin.
What what what?
Don't tell me I missed it.
You did this before with Barbudo. Put them back till I see em.

The Persuaders is on freeview. It's odd how Curtis looks semi normal but poor old Rodge looks a gay as a row of tents. How did we ever believe he could punch his way out a paper bag?

DYK that Moore's wife used to follow him round the set to ensure no hanky-panky?
I think it was the clothes they made him wear, Dr. He looked as hard as nails when he killed Scaramanga in the The Man with the Golden Gun. I knew Moore's Italian wife got jealous when he kissed actresses. Didn't they get divorced ages ago?
hello im a single girl and im looking for a tony curtis lookalike to spend the rest of my life with i prefer jewish guys as they are supposed to be well endowed and also great lovers
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