Monday, July 24, 2006
Respect the horny woman
Disturbing news from Oregon: a 45-year-old woman dials 9-1-1 and demands that the local deputy-sheriff is dispatched to her residence with all due haste. When asked to elaborate on her predicament, she informs the operator that the said deputy is a “cutie” who might assist her with certain gynaecological problems. The deputy duly arrives, briefly interrogates the woman and slaps a pair of handcuffs on her. Before she can explain that she’s not into bondage, he arrests her for frivolous misuse of the 9-1-1 number and bundles her into his patrol car. She is later made to atone for her actions in front of a judge.It seems to me that the policing methods of this so-called deputy were a gross betrayal of the “protect and serve” motto – “harass and control” would be a better description of his antics. This woman was plainly in desperate need of assistance, and only a narrow-minded blockhead would have treated her as a hoax caller. A female gorilla in oestrus would not hesitate to dial 9-1-1 if the alpha male had a headache, and no one would think of blaming her for it. Needs must when the devil drives, and the urges of nature cannot be subverted by petty bureaucracy or a misguided obsession with the letter of the law. At the very least, the deputy should have listened sympathetically to her request and considered it on its merits. There is always a polite way of saying ‘No’.
The other worrying aspect of this incident is that the deputy showed not the slightest interest in obliging the woman, who had paid him the highest compliment that the female of the species can offer. Indeed, his behaviour suggests that he was offended at being treated like a gigolo rather than flattered by her proposition. This sort of priggish posturing strikes me as both appallingly ungallant and worryingly lacking in masculinity. Could the deputy have been one of those girly men that the Governor of California once spoke about? Conan the Barbarian certainly never arrested a woman for trying to seduce him, and even The Terminator didn’t hold grudges against females who made a pass at him. There are times when a man should count his blessings rather than behaving like a boy scout who finds an issue of Penthouse magazine in his teacher’s briefcase.
Governor Schwarzenegger, of course, would have known exactly what to do with this woman. In his body-building days, he fondled many a shapely breast without waiting for an invitation. Inevitably, not all of the groped women were honoured to have had their melons squeezed by Arnie, and a few of these malcontents came back to haunt him during his election campaign. He responded to their allegations by denying them and apologizing at the same time. “There’s no fire without smoke!” he declared mysteriously.
It is always a fatal mistake for a man with large muscles to assume that he’s irresistible to women. Physical strength may indeed be desirable, but a woman is entitled to be suspicious of a fellow who oils his body and spends hours gazing at his reflection in a mirror. No male gorilla would ever try to impress a female by flexing his muscles in the silly, affected manner of the Mr Universe contestant. Those who live in the jungle know that it’s not what you’ve got that counts, but how you use it.
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"I don't like men with too many muscles - just one big one..." (c Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975).
Did anyone get that poor woman's phone number?
Did anyone get that poor woman's phone number?
On the question of male physique, I quote Wikipedia: "Due to their diet of plant life, gorillas often have bloated stomachs". Not that I've got anything against a generous love pillow. Personally I find too many sinews and tendons a bit of a turn off. A bit of lard, in a man as in a good cut of beef, improves the flavour.
I hope you like a bit of hair on a man as well, Daphne. The bloated tummy can be avoided by replacing some of the foliage with a platter of juicy insects.
Everywhere but on the back. Which rules you out, you cheeky monkey. But thanks for the diet tip, I'm having beetle and cockroach salad in honey and roquefort dressing for lunch.
Well, she was asked to "elaborate on her predicament". It's a shockingly easy mistake to make, I'm here to tell you... It was the chafing of the handcuffs that I found the most disagreeable...
Silverbacks are my bag, mostly. Maturity trumps muscles every time.
Silverbacks are my bag, mostly. Maturity trumps muscles every time.
You write the best blog, Mr Gorilla Bananas, but you knew that.
You know who I missed most of all, on my travels out there? Mynah Bird. Don’t ask me why. It is what it is.
You know who I missed most of all, on my travels out there? Mynah Bird. Don’t ask me why. It is what it is.
Welcome back, Dr. I can understand why you missed him, he's a wise old bird.
Is that what you call 'respect' Foot Eater? Read the title of the piece first.
Is that what you call 'respect' Foot Eater? Read the title of the piece first.
That deputy was most definitely a cad and a bounder. The lady in question was probably his wife. At the very least, police cars should carry an emergency 'rampant rabbit' to relieve such a distressed lady when the deputies are too limp.
The Arnie pic was interesting. I was wondering if you could tell in the photo, the proportion of females to males in the audience, because I suspect these venues are strangely not besieged by girlies.
The Arnie pic was interesting. I was wondering if you could tell in the photo, the proportion of females to males in the audience, because I suspect these venues are strangely not besieged by girlies.
# posted by 
: Sunday, January 14, 2007
: Sunday, January 14, 2007
nursemyra is inexplicably attracted to simian men. it's all that testosterone. can't resist nature....
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