Monday, May 29, 2006

Uri Geller: forgotten mystic

Does anyone remember Uri Geller, the mystical spoon-bender who shot to fame in 1970s? He recently bought one of Elvis Presley’s old homes for a cool million bucks. The modern-day artiste has much to learn from Mr Geller’s example. Show business is a fickle profession, so the far-sighted performer must invest wisely at the height of his fame if he wants to splash out on luxury pads when everyone has forgotten him. Modern humans are capricious beasts, who will gasp with wonder at latest feat of metal-twisting only to groan with boredom (or hoot with derision) when the novelty has worn off. Any act based on the mind-over-matter motif must be milked for all it is worth while the punters are still interested.

I met Uri when I was in the circus – he asked me if I had a spoon that needed bending. I said “No” and brought him
a hammer instead.

“A hammer, GB?” he inquired in a puzzled Levantine accent. “What am I to do with a hammer?”

“The face is slightly curved, Uri,” I replied. “Try to flatten it by stroking it with your finger.”

He accepted the tool gingerly and rubbed his middle finger around the face in a gentle circular motion. After doing this for a minute, he stopped and shook his head. “My power is for making things crooked, not straight,” he declared. “This hammer is not open to my energies. Feel the iron – it is cold.”

I took the hammer from Uri and agreed that its face was as cold as ice. “Might it be more receptive to your energies if you smashed it against that wall?” I asked.

Uri glanced at the wall in question, which was made of the sturdiest concrete, and raised his eyebrows quizzically to indicate that he was open to new ideas in the field of parapsychology. So I gave him the hammer and watched him bang away until his cheeks were flushed. He then wiped the perspiration from his brow and felt the face of the hammer with his fingertips.

“It is hot!” he exclaimed. “Feel it yourself, GB.”

I took the hammer and examined it carefully. “It is hot, Uri!” I confirmed. “And you have also succeeded in flattening its face, to some extent!”

He took back the hammer and agreed that the face was indeed flatter. Should he demonstrate these hammer-repairing abilities in his act, he wondered aloud? I advised him to stick to cutlery for the time being.

Uri Geller was probably the greatest showman of his kind, but he wasn’t without competitors, even at the peak of his appeal. Hot on his heels was Ali Bongo, the fez-wearing wizard who made humour a part of his act, something that Uri never quite mastered. How sad that these two great maestros were later reduced to the role of sidekick, Geller accepting the position of Michael Jackson’s adult friend, and Bongo hiring out his expertise to Paul Daniels, the bald-headed homunculus. Maybe I’ll invite them to the Congo to compete head-to-head for the Bananas Magicians’ Trophy. It would be the greatest duel since the Ali v Foreman 1974, or possibly even Fischer v Spassky 1972.

You'd make a fortune off the TV rights, GB. You could also try video streaming from your blog.
Ali Bongo!! You really know how to bring back childhood memories, GB. I never expected to see his picture again and I'm shocked he had anything to do with that prick Paul Daniels. As for Uri Geller, he's always been looking for the limelight, even after the spoon act got boring.
Other spoons in the media:
Spoon Man / Feel the rythm in your hands

There is no spoon.

A spoonful of sugar / Makes the medicine go down

The Tick's unsettling battlecry:

Spoon the Band

There are others. All of which are more compelling than any factoid about Uri, fictional hammer encounter or not.
Uri Gellar, GB? I am shocked to say the least. He is a deeply disturbed chap. Remember when he kept waffling on about healing David Beckham's broken bone? Very disturbed.
"rubbed his middle finger around the face in a gentle circular motion"

Someone should have told him a hammer isn't a clit. I like a bit of fingerwork, but only before the banging
Ah, Paul Daniels. Now that was a great entertainer. Give us the skinny on Paul, GB. And the lovely whatshername - Debbie McGee, was it?

We liked him. Not a lot. Etc...
I am ashamed to admit that neither of these names or faces brings up a fond recollection ~ or any recollection, for that matter ~ I suppose this is what happens when your parents don't get a tv in the house till your 15, even though the rest of the world got them back in the 50's ~ you tend to lose a common identifier ~ still, i do recall sneaking over to my friend's house to take in precious stolen veiwings of Star Trek, Gilligan's Island, I dream of Jeanne, and Bewitched.
Ms Red,

Ali Bongo's fame was limited to the UK and Uri Geller was well past his prime when you were 15. He once appeared on the Johnny Carson show and didn't perform too well on that occasion.
Apparently Geller wasn't sure if he'd be successful in his bid for the house, but when he turned on the radio and heard Elvis singing he realised it was meant to be. The man's a flake; no wonder he hangs out with Jacko.
I preferred Ali Bongo.
I like the hammer link.

"The face is... the place where the job gets done. Top-quality hammers give you the benefit of 25 percent more face space. That means surer strikes and easier, faster nail driving."

Thats right!
Everything's just all about me in the end really.

Not so keen on the part where Uri Geller rubs his fingers around the face in a gentle circular motion though. That guy's quite creepy.
Definitely a flake - but a clever flake with a large bank account from bending spoons. I ask ya, who woulda thunk it?
I've got an idea Mr. Bananas! What about a match between Foreman and Geller. Geller could throw bent spoons at Foreman, and Foreman could attempt to bat them across a strategically placed net, with the aforementioned homunculus officiating. Seems it might be boffo for the bookies, don't you think? Oh yes, forgot to mention, Foreman can use one of those grills he seems fond of advertising on TV- "Don't let's make it unfair!" That's what I say!
Foreman might not be able to keep his temper in such a sitution. A few of the spoons would certainly hit him and the homonculus would be making irritating remarks all the time. I don't like breaking up fights between humans.
Ain't it amazing what a picture of Ali Bongo will stimulate? If I remember right someone complained that his name was offensive.
How could we forget Uri Geller - he is second only to David Hasselhof when it comes to gratuitous self-publicity - he won't let us forget him.
It would be the greatest duel since the Ali v Foreman 1974, or possibly even Fischer v Spassky 1972.

More like Eddie "The Shitehawk" Edwards v the Jamaican four man bob team, Calvary, 1988.
Alas, I don't share Uri's talent for bending spoons and funnily enough, I don't miss it.
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