Monday, April 10, 2006

Pubic Instinct

I hear that Miss Sharon Stone has been reworking the old formula that made her the queen of soft porn. Good luck to her. Watching Miss Stone pretending to have an orgasm is probably the closest that many men will get to satisfying a woman. And even a gorilla can admire those wonderful noises she makes when simulating sex. I doubt that many human females sound as good when they’re actually feeling the earth move.

I once met Miss Stone at a party given by the circus after a show in Los Angeles. She was eager to meet me in person after watching me perform in the ring.

“How ya doin’ big guy?” she inquired merrily. “I just loved your act with the clowns!”

“Thank you, Miss Stone,” I replied. “I hear that you too are a practitioner of the performing arts.”

“Jeez you sound so smart!” she remarked. “I’ve got the lead part in a movie called Basic Instinct and shooting starts next week. Got any acting tips you’d like to pass on?”

I suspected that her inquiry was not entirely serious, but as I happened to have pertinent views on how thespians should approach their craft, I decided to make the most of her invitation.

“Try to improvise and react like Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront,” I suggested. “That’s the kind of performance that will bring you critical acclaim.”

“Screw critical acclaim!” she exclaimed, twisting her finger into my chest. “I just wanna give guys a hard-on!”

“I see,” I replied. “Does the film have scenes that would facilitate this worthy objective?”

“Oh, there’s loads of nudity,” she declared breezily. “But the sex is all pretend, it’s not hard-core.”

“In that case, you should exploit the opportunities for seductive teasing,” I advised. “I notice, for example, that you are blessed with smooth, unblemished skin. This will serve you well. But suppose you were to briefly – but deliberately – expose an area of your body with a covering of hair. A glimpse of such furry secrets might drive a man insane with lust.……and even impress a gorilla,” I added.

“I like the way you think!” she purred, drawing her fingernail over my forearm. “I’ll talk to the director about it.”

I heard no more about Miss Stone until after the premiere of Basic Instinct, when I learned that she had followed my advice to the letter. Her pubic exposure helped to make the film a huge commercial success, but at the expense of winning her notoriety as a vulgar female flasher.

The ringmaster’s wife came to see after she had seen the movie.

“I heard that you spoke with this Sharon Stone in Los Angeles,” said Cécile . “What kind of woman did she seem to you?”

“I found her friendly and frank in her opinions,” I replied. “I would describe her as a convivial young woman, quite devoted to her profession…….”

“Devoted pah!” interrupted Cécile. “You know what she did? She sat on a chair with her legs wide open and wearing no knickers. She allowed the camera to film so everyone could see her bush. What kind of woman does such a thing?”

“Really, Cécile, she was only doing her job!” I protested. “There’s no need to be quite so judgmental.”

“Why are you so keen to be her protector?” asked Cécile. “I think maybe you have a little crush on Miss Stone, no?” she added with a mischievous grin.

“Don’t be silly!” I replied irritably. “I just don’t like people being maligned unfairly. I mean, do you really think it was her own idea to expose herself like that? It must have been dreamt up by the scriptwriter or director…. or someone.”

“Well, if this silly person were here, I would turn up my nose to him like this,” declared Cécile, who tossed her head and marched away with her petite proboscis pointing towards the pole star.

“And this from a woman whose nation invented the can-can!” I muttered grumpily as I watched her saunter off.

I ask this out of mere zoological curiosity Mr. Nanas - Do gorillas have extra hair in those regions or just similar-to-everywhere-else hair? Do French female gorillas shave their armpits? Or pluck their eyebrows? What is the gorilla view on all the waxing we ennuded apes do? I'm guessing it's a view peered at from a long way off, as a stray wax strip falling on gorilla-thigh-fur has only one way off and would bring a wince and a tear even to the biggest and silveriest-backed male's ancient noble eye, thus causing him to look like a big jessie girl's blouse.
Wild gorillas are more resilient to pain than that, Sam, although we don't see the need to trim any part of our coats. Grooming rather than pruning is our preferred pastime. As far as humans are concerned, if you're 95% naked to begin with, I can see a certain logic in aiming for perfection.
I didn't find the fanny flashing in 'Basic Instinct' seductive, GB. But you're right about Sharon Stone's moaning, not so much in that film, but in another one called 'Sliver'. As you say, she sounds better faking it than most women do when they're not.
What makes you think you've ever heard a woman really having an orgasm, Tarzan? I make much better noises than Sharon Stone in any of her films.
The French are just upset when anyone flashes hair. They think they copyrighted that idea by now. They actually sued Julia Roberts, you know...
I don't know what all the fuss is about over that scene. You can't see diddly, even if you freeze it and inch it forward frame by frame. So I've heard.
Julia Roberts looked like she was trying to smuggle two Newfoundland pups into the show. Bleaugh, not an attractive look on anyone. Big Bertha from Dungannon Devils bike club might pull it off, however we do expect more from women who earn 20 million quid a film.
GB- That's a very meaty lady in your pic - quite a contrast to the Teri Hatcher type!
Tarzan - that scene in Sliver, in the bath, on her own?


Go back and check.
Do you mean their thighs, Sexybeauty? Men should give more attention to women's thighs. They look very biteable to me.
Re: orgasm groans.

There is a woman I work with and share an office with who, whilst not unattractive, is not an obvious object of lust. However, she seems to suffer with a slight problem in her throat which causes her to produce mini-coughs at regular intervals which come out sounding rather like miniature groans of pleasure. This makes it extremely difficult for me to get any work done as I find myself bizarrely aroused and unable to concentrate.

Pavlov's dogs? Pavlov's dicks, more like...
That womans thighs ARE meaty, but her head looks unusually large to me. Is that an undoctored pic, GB?
No Marianne, the scene I was thinking of is when she's alone in her bedroom feeling horny and the naked guy sneaks up behind her.

Beth, you're a cheeky little tart.
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