Sunday, January 01, 2006

The morning after the night before

The circus I used to work for employed a sensitive young man called Derek as an artwork designer. He was very popular with the female staff, accompanying them on shopping trips when we were touring and helping them pick out stylish clothes and perfumes. Many of the girls found him sexually attractive, but they soon gave up trying to seduce him when they realised he had no interest in coupling with women.

During one Christmas tour, Derek became very friendly with an acrobat called Sally, who had recently joined us. Sally knew he didn’t mate with females, but still used to hug and kiss him in a friendly sort of way, which didn’t seem to bother Derek. So no one took much notice when the two spent many hours chatting and dancing together at the New Year’s Eve party. And when Sally followed Derek back to his trailer that night, it was surely just for a friendly cup of coffee to see in the New Year.

On New Year’s Day, my afternoon nap was interrupted by a knock on the door of my trailer. I was astonished to see that it was Derek, looking rather distraught and begging for a minute of my time. I invited him in and asked him what I could do for him.

“Oh GB!” wailed Derek. “Something quite horrible happened last night and I feel so ashamed to talk about it.”

“I won’t be able to help you if you don’t tell me,” I replied, suppressing a yawn.

Convinced by my logic, Derek proceeded tentatively to the facts: “Someone very close to me took advantage of my friendship. I was feeling a little emotional on New Year’s Eve, as many of us do, and needed someone to hug. But this friend of mine…..she betrayed my trust by despoiling me.”

I suppose I knew what he meant by this, but it’s always best to have things spelled out clearly. “Are you saying that you mounted Sally last night?” I asked.

“Certainly not!” replied Derek in a shocked voice. “She mounted me! I was the passive one and she took advantage!”

“You don’t say, Derek.” I replied. “Nevertheless, the facts are that you had sex with her and she had sex with you. Is this a bad thing?”

“It’s a terrible thing, GB!” wailed Derek. “I’ve been tricked into doing something I didn’t want to…….something against my nature,” he added blushing. “And it’s completely ruined my friendship with Sally. How will I ever be able to face her again? The thought of her gossiping about this with the other girls is simply unbearable.”

I have to admit I was fairly stumped for a reply to this lament. I gave my head a good scratch in the hope of stimulating a few brain cells and then tried to extract myself from the role of counsellor. “I can see you’re very upset about this,” I conceded, “but why in the world would you come to me for advice? How could a gorilla possibly know what a human should do in such a situation?”

“Don’t you see, GB, it’s because you’re not human that I can bear to talk to you about it,” pleaded Derek. “And everyone says you’re such a clever ape who’s always studying human culture. You’re my only hope.”

I suppose I could have told him to write a letter to an Agony Aunt, but I decided to give his problem some further thought, if indeed it could be called a “problem”. I sensed that the significance of the incident that had occurred was all a matter of perspective, which for a twit like Derek might be changed by pouring a pitcher of ice-cold water over his head. So I told him to return at the same time tomorrow.

After Derek had left, the first priority was to finish my nap, so I had a good snooze and woke up feeling refreshed. I was just about to fix myself a snack when another knock came on the door. This time it was Sally, who invited herself in for a chat.

“I think I’ve ruined my friendship with Derek,” she moaned. “I didn’t expect anything to happen when I went to his trailer, but it was New Year’s Eve and we’d had too much to drink. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed – you know how it is GB.”

“I’m beginning to understand,” I sighed. “Give me some time to think about it. Come back and see me tomorrow afternoon.”

By cunning intent, the time I set for this meeting coincided with Derek’s appointment. Next day, I stood outside my trailer door to welcome the guests as they arrived. Derek came first, so I told him to go inside and wait for me. Sally arrived a few minutes later and I went inside with her to join Derek. An extraordinarily awkward silence followed, as the two humans blushed and then avoided eye contact. Derek tried to get up and leave, but I blocked his exit.

“Sit down, Derek!” I ordered. “There is no need for either of you to say anything until I ask you. I have prepared a scientific experiment for you to witness.”

After Derek had returned to his seat, I placed a tall glass on a nearby coffee table, which I had previously filled with pink jelly. Also on the table was a big carrot, which I thrust vigorously inside the glass so that it made a squelching noise. I looked at both my guests, who were wide-eyed with astonishment.

“Would you say that the carrot has just had sex with the glass?” I asked them.

Sally tittered, while Derek pursed his lips and frowned like a fishwife.

“Really GB!” he exclaimed. “I don’t see the point of this vulgar exhibition!”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” I retorted, “but you still haven’t answered my question. Has the carrot just had sex with the glass?”

“Of course not, GB!” said Sally giggling. “A carrot can’t have sex with a glass!”

“Quite so!” I exclaimed. “Carrots and glasses do not have sex because they are mere objects. They are without spirit. What my experiment has proved is that sex is not a physical act. It is something which exists in our minds; it is the significance we choose to attach to certain physical events.”

“I see what you’re getting at, GB,” said Derek. “But I’m not a carrot…. and Sally isn’t a glass,” he added, looking shyly at his female companion.

“True,” I replied. “But does that mean you had sex? I heard a rumour that you did, but I don’t believe it. Everyone knows that you are friends. What happened in the early hours of New Year’s Day, I suggest, was that you embraced and comforted each other as friends.”

“We did go all the way, though,” said Sally softly with her eyes lowered.

“A mere physical detail,” I countered. “It doesn’t mean that you had sex. All that happened was that Sally’s cha-cha cuddled Derek’s dick as an act of friendship.”

They chuckled sheepishly at my interpretation of events.

“The point is that you are free to interpret these events in your own way,” I continued. “If you believe you were behaving as friends, then that is what you were doing. And if you believe you are friends now, then that is what you are.”

My companions looked at each other without discomfort for the first time that afternoon. Sally apologised to Derek and words of reconciliation quickly followed from Derek. The two embraced gently and they thanked me for my efforts on their behalf. I acknowledged their gratitude with a silent bow and ordered them out of my trailer to avoid witnessing any more of the corny scene developing between them.

"She betrayed my trust by DESPOILING me?" I don't believe the gayest man in the world would talk like that. Sometimes you go to far in your parodies, GB. They should have just pretended they were too drunk to remember what had happened.
I think Derek must have gone on to become an advisor to Bill Clinton and used his very experience with you to help the President understand that Monica Lewinski had been merely orally cuddling him and that he did not, in fact, have sexual relations with that woman after all.

Happy New Year GB!
Mr Gorilla Bananas, you keep raising your own bar. Truly,…etc. etc.

What flavour was the jelly? Does it matter, or am I reading too much into that?
Tarzan, my old pal, I didn't realise you were an expert on how gay men talked. Or do you just refuse to believe that a gay man could have a larger vocabulary than yourself? I think we should wait for Ms FM Cat to rule on this one.

Kim: Derek might have but I certainly wouldn't. Sometimes a gorilla has to use arguments he doesn't believe in himself. It's like being a lawyer.

Dr Maroon, I bow deeply to your plaudits, etc, etc. The jelly was chosen for its colour rather than its flavour. Sometimes I do have to examine human porn, but only infrequently (that's one word not two).

Happy New Year to the three of you and any other readers.
Happy New Year my dear GB!! ( and to you as well, Mr Tarzan, Kim, Dr Maroon, etc & etc)

Now, on with the more important thing.....

No MAN, however hard he tries to deny it, can be DESPOILED! Men can't fake it... huh uh.. nope,, they CAN"T... it doesn't get... uhm... firm... if they aren't willing.
Men can't fake it, no matter what.
That puppy goes up because it WANTS to, it has an idea of ACTION, and there is no stopping it... those things have a mind of their own, in fact.... ( I believe that is where the familiar term ~thinking with the wrong head~ comes into play....)

MMmmmHM! Deny it guys, c'mon, deny it! Pretend you can fake it! Cuz I am a FIRM (hehe) believer that you all can NOT ~
Happy New Year, Ms Redlips! What you say is 100% true for a straight man, but as for a gay man I dunno. Could a woman make his body do what his mind doesn't want? Anyway, to call it "despoiling" is ridiculous. I don't know where GB got that word.
Women are sly and cunning, my dear Tarzan, don't ever forget that! I believe that all men in their hearts want women... even the gay ones.. they just got rejected by women so many times they had no choice but to go to other men. ( did you ever notice how in those gay relationships, one usually plays the *female* and one usually plays the *male* role? ) So in my own, very limited humble opinion, yes, I DO think that a woman could EASILY encourage a man along, regardless of his claimed sexual preferences. And who among us believe that a man's mind WOULDN'T want to have sex?? Regardless of whence it originates.... Come now, we are people of action, lies do not become us.... ;-D
Dear Ms Redhead, a Happy New Year to you and a warm gorilla hug as well. As ever, your confidence in the female power of seduction befits a fertility goddess. I'd be quite interested in what FMC has to say about this, though.
Dearest Redhead,
I do trust you are trying to be funny with every word you have written here. If not, you are one ill-educated, sexist and backward woman.
Probably was prudent, my friend.
Ahhh pan... you may always feel free to take my comments however you so desire... afterall, I have no ability to make anyone think one way or another. So if you feel compelled to think of me as ~let me see~ one ill-educated, sexist and backward woman ~ you may do so... though certainly at your own risk. ;-D
GB ~ Happy New Year to you! I'll take that warm gorilla hug and raise you two fine smoochies on your hairy cheek! X X

'you may always feel free to take my comments however you so desire..'

Thank you, Is anyone else able to take such liberty with your prose?
I shall think of you that way, if, and only if, you were not trying to be funny!
Hello GB,

Got directed to this place from some other blog a couple (maybe more) of months ago and since then have been religiously gobbling up the back log. Started from your first post and am here currently.
You are absolutely ..hilarious ..really too cool.
And reading the comments too ..Tarzan - usually the first one to comment on any post ..Redhead ...Dr Maroon ..El Bab (or whatever ..I visited his blog once ..sounded a very angst filled man ..bearded man, that too) ...a wonderful group of people you have here ..
Keep going !
~ kridas1 (I don't have a blog of my own ..hence publishing under anonymous ..don't have the time ... but the real reason - don't have a fertile enough mind to churn out interesting articles on various topics)
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