Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Cinderella: great human

Cinderella was a delightful young lady and I won’t hear a bad word about her. With what fortitude and restraint did she endure the bullying and arrogance of her ugly sisters! A pretty girl like Cinders could have lived in comfort and leisure had she been willing to surrender her virtue to a rich sugar daddy. But our noble heroine was determined to stay a maiden until the handsome prince came along and made her an offer she couldn’t refuse. Are there many young women who would behave like that today? I very much doubt it.

I have less admiration for Prince Charming. What kind of ass attempts to identify a woman from her shoe size? If he and Cinders had been dancing cheek to cheek, couldn’t he have remembered her smell? That’s what a gorilla would have done. And why on earth would a man with eyes in his head tempt fate by allowing the ugly sisters to try on the slipper? He would have been perfectly within his rights to disqualify them on the grounds that the girl he had danced with was not a repulsive hag. It was down to sheer luck that he was not lumbered with one of those crones.

This is not to say, of course, that having an ugly mate is necessarily a bad thing. Any fan of female sporting events will confirm there is no correlation between the quality of a woman’s body and the prettiness of her face. My own research leads me to believe that most men are quite able to service a woman with unattractive facial features. There is no need for humans to couple face-to-face and many women prefer to do it in the dark anyway. What’s more, a man is much less worried about how he performs with an ugly woman, which has the paradoxical effect of improving his performance. Like a golfer or a tennis player, he plays better when he is relaxed and not thinking about what he is doing.

Had Prince Charming married one of the ugly sisters, they would almost certainly have mated successfully and produced a brood of royal kiddies. The only problem for the prince would have been his embarrassment on occasions of state when he and the princess were required to appear together in public. Having a wife with a face like a herring is like having a collection of Cliff Richard records – the music is fine once you get used to it, but you don’t want everyone to know about it.

The downside of such a development is that poor Cinders would have had to settle for a sugar daddy after all. Peter Stringfellow comes to mind as an obvious candidate for the job, in which case the fairytale would mutate into a version of Beauty and the Beast where the beast does not change into a handsome prince. Nor could she be certain that Stringfellow would leave her anything in his will. If I were Cinders’ agent, I would demand that he paid her a sizeable cash advance in return for her services as a concubine. It might just compensate her enough for being slobbered over by that hairy old dog.

One thing about Stringfellow is that although he's a complete tosser, it doesn't bother him at all that everyone thinks so. Obviously no woman would give him the time of day if he weren't a millionaire - well maybe his mother perhaps.
Charles Perrault wrote 'Cinderella' based on some late-medieval French oral stories. It must have originated in the days (or, should I say, centuries) when expectations of personal hygiene amounted to a bath every six months.

So you see, GB, why identifying her by her smell was not an available option for Prince Charmant. Everyone smelled pretty badly in those days, on most days--which would make olfactory identification a risky venture.

Hairless apes have had to go through a long interlude of approximate hygiene--having left behind commendable habits like the cat's self-cleaning, it took them many centuries to discover the benefits fo the modern soap and shower. Cinderella's fate depending on a show is testimony to that.

But who is this Stringfellow... um... fellow? We naked apes in the States haven't had the bad fortunte of being around him.

He is like...a really really poor man's Hugh Heifner, but with no style, Michael Bolton's old hair style and great sagging man tits. He runs a sring of lapdancing clubs and he is really really disgusting. He once wore a thong on the beach, photos went out all over the world. It was one of the very worst images I have ever EVER seen in my whole life.
I hope this helps.
This whole handsome prince and beautiful princess thing doesn't seem to have worked particuarly well in the UK has it?
That old fart wore a THIONG on a beach? Did he get arrested for indecent exposure? Or, at the very least, offending the public's aethetic sensibilities. People have been taken out and shot for far less.

He should have been drowned. I know I've never gotten over it.I think it was lime green.
You'll have to spell things out for a simple gorilla, El B. It's not like you to be coy. Do you mean the Charles-Diana-Camilla threesome didn't work out well? Now that I think of it, you've never written a word about the late Princess Diana, so you must have been one of her admirers. To prove me wrong, I challenge you to write a post with a title: "She was an annoying cow, but I'd still have shagged her".
you mean that guy in the pic is the Stringfellow dude?

This is all part and parcel of earlier posts, GB. I can see how this post is to lead us to know that some women really DO prefer diamonds.... but quite frankly, I STILL think a good footrub and some stellar sex bet all.
What is your view on snow white then?
But, RedHead, I thought diamonds are forever! Aren't they also a girl's best friend?

An excellent point Charlie! I for one always fancy the evil stepmother more. Always have. Especially in cartoons.
But Stringfellow's bling would make LA's South Central homies real envious.

El Beard, I find the good gorilla's suggestion excellent. And, if you're looking for a sanitized title (but think about the childrun!), help yourself to this one: "MILF Royalty".

Isn't she the kind of woman who'd leave scratch marks on a man's back, Doctor? I recommend you take her from behind, like a gorilla.
It wan not bling it was bleaugh!
A bore writes,

For the love of the Lord of the Jungle my Silver Back brother, if I had written such pedantic drivel as Desargues has done in his comments, you would have forced me to preface my nonsense with:

'a double bore writes'

You are getting soft!
Your blog is first class now though!
Koko would be proud!
hey Des, I have heard of that term ~ MILF ~ interesting term,,,lol

and uhm, yah, diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but they won't ease up her back, make her feet melt, or fondle that G-spot oh-so-well.
another haiku~

you write of bling now,
while expounding on passion.
ah, the price of love.
PP returns from the dead - or perhaps just the comatose.

I'm glad you prefer petting to shiny stones, Miss Redhead, but you never said whether you're afraid of spiders.
As it happens, GB, I DEPLORE spiders, in aLL their hairy forms. Strange, because I have actually caught mice by the tail, and fed them to the cat, but those nasty huge charging spiders just plain creep me out!
I didn't think it was that obscure - the handsome Prince of Wales is fucking ugly and his wife is even worse.

At some point I will probably rant about monarchies, but right now I'm trying to lay a reindeer trap.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin