Friday, October 29, 2010

Religious tolerance

I’m not the sort of ape who takes sides in human squabbles, but it warms my hairy cockles when an oppressed religious minority wins its legitimate rights. I’m talking about the druids, who have finally been recognised by the British state as followers of an authentic faith, rather than a bunch of herb-sniffing weirdos who have read too many Asterix comics. 

To achieve this auspicious end, the druids have had to compromise on some of their traditional practices. Human sacrifice will now be restricted to the Festival of the Giant Hooting Barn Owl, which occurs every 721 years. And caterwauling in the small hours to ward off the Demon Duckface will only be allowed in underground caves or nuclear bunkers. In exchange for these pragmatic concessions, druidic trust funds have been given tax-exempt status, which means there’ll plenty of savoury fish-balls and dandelion wine to go round at this year’s winter solstice celebrations. 

The lesson we can draw from their successful campaign is that good things come to those who wait. The druids were wizards-most-exalted of the British Isles before the Roman invasion of 43 AD, which they resisted fanatically by wailing and letting off stick bombs. According to the historian Tacitus, their frightful antics… 

…struck the Romans with awe and terror. They stood in stupid amazement, as if their limbs were benumbed… 

But the men of the Roman army soon pulled out their weapons and got stuck in, burning down the sacred druidic groves and forcing the survivors to hide amongst the Welsh. It was a bitter pill to swallow for a proud indigenous priesthood. 

Pope Benny must be looking with envy at these neo-pagan cults, gaining influence and winning converts while his own church is mired in scandal. He has only himself to blame. When he visited Africa last year, he foolishly condemned our native tribal religions, denouncing the witch-doctor as a devil in ostrich feathers. This inevitably brought a thousand voodoo curses down upon his holy head, causing skeletons to emerge from cupboards and poke him in the vitals. 

Instead of bad-mouthing other faiths, a wise high pontiff would raid them for good ideas. If you ask rank-and-file Catholics what they most admire about paganism, they’ll inevitably mention female deities. The Virgin Mary isn’t quite up to the job, as she’s revered for being someone’s mother rather than a goddess in her own right. There is also the problem of her virginity, which prevents her from answering the prayers of the sexually frustrated. 

If I were the Pope, I would make Lucy Lawless the goddess of Christianity.  Xena the Warrior Princess was a class act - proud of bosom and earnest of thigh, she rode into battle like a true Christian knight. Yet she was also a coquette, who let beefcake suitors woo her like a wood nymph. If she became the Queen of Heaven, the Catholic Church would once more be a fitting home for fearless swordsmen and swooning damsels, whose sins in the heat of passion would be forgiven. This might not be to everyone’s taste, but it beats getting buggered by men in frocks.

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I'd quite happily sacrifice my religious virtue on the alter of Lucy Lawless's buxom catholicism any day of the week. Do you think she'd still do that thing with the wine and biscuits?
Speak for yourself, men and apes. I'll accept some buggering (what does this mean, GB?) by men in frocks.
As a Fundementalist Pagan, I think we should bring back the old practises, like feeding Christians to the lions.

I'd like to nominate Pope Benny as the first sacrifice.
I like a pair of earnest thighs
I love it too! The Druids have always seemed like some cool, scary cats to me and why shouldn’t they be recognized? They were around before Christianity for, well, for Christsakes.

If Scientology gets to be a religion then they deserve a shot at the big leagues. I’ve been sick of Christianity, Islam and Judaism dominating the league and making the playoffs year after year.
I concur, Lucy Lawless would be spectacular, though I feel that we should charitably add Jenna Jameson to help the sexually frustrated.
Steve: What sort of biscuit did you have in mind? A digestive might be OK, but I doubt she'd stick a Jaffa cake or a chocolate finger in your mouth. Would they fit anyway?

Robyn: Haha, Robyn, it means giving it to someone up the butt! I believe it's an acquired taste, although some women claim to enjoy it, I make no judgments.

Roses: I'm not sure many lions would tuck into Pope Benny. They're used to prime game flesh and he is definitely past his prime. The pagans are too kinky for most people, so I put my faith in reforming the church.

Nursemyra: As do I, Nursie!

Scott: I wonder whether these new religions can handle the pressure when the spotlight is on them. The Scientologists are already getting very defensive just because people are investigating their affairs. Just imagine how they'd behaved if their leader got crucified!

Alpha Za: Only the most devout followers get to boink a goddess, my friend. Are you capable of that level of devotion?
I'll give it my best shot.
I get to boink a goddess any time she wants. It's cost me my faith in God. God and I are just bros now.
i think pope benny still has the best corporate strategy on the planet and a cash flow that steve jobs would kill for.

if you want to see lucy lawless in all her splendor watch spartacus. she is not a shy girl.
Has anyone ever told you that you write very well for an ape and that you actually write better than most humans? Hmmm...

There are really druids still around??
Brilliant post as always, GB. But might I suggest that you bring up your hairy cockles at the end?

For a feral aficionado like myself, they can be extremely distracting...
"Human sacrifice will now be restricted to the Festival of the Giant Hooting Barn Owl, which occurs every 721 years."

Where exactly are the Druids on this 721 year plan? Because I've got some people in my life that I'd like to offer up to the Druids for their next sacrifice.

I'm always thinking about peace and religious tolerance, and I only want to help the Druids.
I think the trouble started when we turned animals into deities. Can't figure out why the world exists? It's just gotta be down to that huge lizard I saw by the shore the other day or that falcon with the rabbit in his talons. Think I'll build a fire and tell my pals.
And it just got worse when we started to revere people.

I think it was George Carlin who said something like 'religion is all about the hats'. So I guess putting a 'lid' on it just made everything worse.

Druids hiding amongst the Welsh. Excellent.
Alpha Za: I'll be rooting for you all the way.

Fred: That's pretty exalted company you're keeping, Fred. You must have married very well.

Billy Pilgrim: I found a little of clip of her in a bath scene with John Hannah. She was watching rather than doing, but her curves were in excellent shape.

Kelley: Thank you kindly, Ma'am. Yes, there are indeed humans who proudly call themselves druids. How much they have in common with the druids of antiquity is a matter for debate.

Bschooled: Thanks very much, Miss B. I'm sorry my cockles distracted you from the meat of the post. I'll be more judicious in my future references to them.

V&GB: Don't mess with the druids, Miss Vodka. You might offer them someone for sacrifice, and the next thing you know they'll be plying you with dandelion wine and anointing your body with herbs and spices.

Doctor B: The hats are a big problem, that's for sure. The Pope has a very silly one, but the druids are in no position to laugh. Tis better to revere a lizard than a man wearing a silly hat.
I am not kinky!

I don't do anything that requires a manual, props or an osteopath afterwards.
The 'fish balls and dandelion wine' sounds tasty, for sure. Those Druids really know how to party it up. 3 cheers for these people. They have every right to keep their religion. They have nothing, except Demon Duckface, to not be proud about. I've heard he's a scoundrel.

I wonder if Demon Duckface could come over and entertain the elderly women at the nursing home nearby. They're getting bored with my old "hide the banana in a bowl of oatmeal" trick.
"Human sacrifice will now be restricted to the Festival of the Giant Hooting Barn Owl, which occurs every 721 years."...I love it! I'm glad however they specified that it was the Giant Hooting Barn Owl.
Hooray for the Druids. Their time hath come. I'm fine with their sacrificing beliefs, as long as they don't sacrifice Xena.
I respectfully disagree. I think a virgin would be the perfect one to answer the prayers of the sexually frustrated.
I don't quite see Lucy as a Mary substitute, but I'm sure many would love to see her in their toast of a morning.
Roses: I'm sure you don't, ma'am, and I would never imply otherwise. The kinky reputation may not be deserved in every case.

Kelly: I bet you could throw those fish balls into the air and catch them in your mouth, three at a time. Those druids would hold you in greater awe than Demon Duckface.

Marnie: He's called The Big Hooter for short. The druids will do anything to appease him.

Helen: I'm happy for them as well, Helen. They wouldn't dare touch Xena after the drubbing they got from the Romans. Xena is a better fighter than any Roman knight.

Missed Periods: I respectfully accept your correction, Ma'am. I would never argue with a schoolmistress, however cryptic her assertion.

Madame: Neither do I, Madame D. Xena is a cross between Venus and the Queen of the Amazons, whatever her name was.
The only redeeming feature of any religion is its entertainment value. The druids are clear winners in that category.
Oops, um, lol, let's see, as I was saying, gentlemen and apes, I'll have nothing to do with buggering by men in frocks. Is it too late to get that one out of me- er, to get out of that one- GB? Suddenly, I'm hot for boinking goddesses myself.
Instead of bad-mouthing other faiths, a wise high pontiff would raid them for good ideas.

Good point. The Catholics ripped off many of the great pagan and Jewish traditions in the early days, but I guess they just became distracted by greed and tiny child penises.

As for the other religions, you'd think if their gods were so powerful they wouldn't have to petition the government for tax exempt status. If I had a powerful god, he'd use his magic to turn ten dollar bills into hundred dollar bills. Jesus had a similar shtick with the water into wine thing.

Turn Smirnoff into Macallan, that would be impressive.
I'm so happy for the druids! This was a good little history of my favorite robed odd balls. Lets sit around a shitty Stone Henge and drink some mead or ale or something. Or just slaughter a goat. I'm not sure what it is druids do outside of wearing the robes . . .
Madam Z: They're a funny bunch, Madam Z, but wouldn't you like to be a demigod yourself? I think you'd make a good one.

Robyn: Don't worry, Robyn, I never for one minute thought you were keen on such practices. Nice Jewish girls just don't do such they?

Chris: I don't think pagan magic can create cash. It's more about summoning spirits and making big winds and other spooky stuff.

Dr K Noisewater: Hello and welcome, Doctor! The druids will be delighted to have your support, but I'm not sure you're au fait with all of their customs. Maybe you should ask them for a refresher course.
We just had a political candidate over here, Christine (the wicked) O'Donnell running for office in Delaware. She admitting to dabbling in Wicca but claims fervently that she is NOT a witch.

Then she proceeded to cast a "spell" over the Liberal Media in an attempt to sway public opinion in her favor.

The election results are in and it appears her candidacy has been thoroughly burned at the stake.
I hope she didn't lose because of anti-witch bigotry - that would have made it a sad day for American democracy.
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