Monday, July 27, 2009

The Great Escape

Tourists have been asking me for my views on the great chimpanzee breakout from Chester Zoo in England. I tell them it is an event comparable with the mass escape of allied POWs from Stalag Lufters Drei (or whatever the place was called). The alpha males who organised the exploit no doubt modelled themselves on Steve McQueen, Dickie Attenborough and the other stars of The Great Escape. Not David McCallum, of course, who was too pretty for a chimpanzee. Nor Gordon Jackson, who was too Scottish.

“Does this prove that chimps and humans are closely related?” asks a man who could have passed for either.

“Yes,” I answer. “Like humans, chimpanzees deeply resent being imprisoned against their will. They despise the guards who withhold their fruit ration if they misbehave. They detest being stared at by fat children with ice cream all over their faces. Is it any wonder that they secretly dig tunnels and forge travel documents in preparation for a daring escape?”

“How do they keep their spirits up?” he asks

“By whistling a
catchy tune which expresses their cheeky defiance in the face of adversity,” I reply.

Having said all that, I’m glad they were caught soon after the breakout. A secure enclosure in a zoo is a far better place for them than the mean streets of Chester. Like most English towns, its public spaces are infested with surly adolescents, gossiping fishwives and undercover policemen on the lookout for kinky sex. Not a safe environment for chimpanzees by any stretch of the imagination.

Even if they’d made it to the countryside their position would have been hopeless. There are no neutral countries bordering England that would have offered them refuge. Scotland is actually an enemy country, but its menfolk have no love of chimps, viewing them as unwelcome competition. Wales, by contrast, is an ape-friendly nation, but its inhabitants are craven patsies of the English. Fugitives from across the border are hunted down by posses of squat-necked rugby players and handed over to the haughty minions of the Crown.

“Back you go, my hairy boyos!” they would have said to the hapless chimps. “The last time we played silly buggers with the English we got longshanked by King Edward I and what have you! Don’t involve us into your quarrels!”

The only human organisation that genuinely supports chimp freedom is NASA, which liberated a good number of them from the surface of the Earth back in the 1960s. Some people claim that the space-chimps were mere guinea pigs, but the same could be said of Armstrong and Aldrin, who were dispatched to the moon to show how bouncy its surface was. Firing a giant tennis ball into space would have achieved the same result, yet Neil and Buzz were determined to risk their lives as their chimp cousins had done.

This explains why the chimpanzees of the Congo celebrated the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 mission by getting pissed and raping a few baboons. Primate brotherhood is truly a wonderful thing.

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What in frig is going on? Despite your blog's best attempts to pull the wool over my eyes, it is def not Monday. Not yet, not on my watch solider.
I forgot that monkeys conquered space before man.

You've got to love Planet of the Apes though.....Damn you all to Hell..filthy apes.....and teh kiss between ape and Charlton Heston. Defining cinema moment.
That tune is enough to make me pinch a person so hard he eventually begs for mercy. And I never go to zoos anymore; a monkey once spat in my hair and it was a nightmare to wash it out.
Those chimps are taking a bit of a chance by whistling the theme tune from The Great Escape - hoping that the keeper on duty that day is the only person left in Britain who hasn't seen the film!

Laika The Dog was first in space, but now we know only as a pop-eyed, burned up carcass.
Now i don't think you have enough faith in them chimps, GB. Arm them with a couple of Uzi's and i bet they'd survive anywhere. Plus if, as you say, the policemen are looking for 'kinky sex', i bet the chimps will be able to start a very profitable 'business' :p
If the chimps broke out of the zoo in style-on fast mortorcycles like Steve McQueen- I'd pay money for a show like that. God he was sexy. Those poor baboons... always getting the ass-end of things. Hopefully you do not celebrate your primate brotherhood in such an uncivilized fashion my love...
Emerson: We all have our own time zone, mate, the 24-hour clock doesn't shine out of your arse. Heston loved that kiss, he would have put his tongue in her mouth if she'd let him.

Ladytruth: What a bad monkey! Had I been with you I would have spanked him then and there. They can piss on you as well if you let them.

Gadjo: Yes, we shouldn't forget the Soviet space programme, should we? The Americans wouldn't have bothered without the competition. After the moon landing, the Taiwanese broadcast a satirical radio play called Mao Zedong lands on the Sun.

Sabrina: You've got a point, Saby. Chimps are incredible whores who will shag anyone for a bowl of fruit. But I don't think they could be trusted with Uzis.

Auri: I'm not surprised you loved Steve, Auri, he was all attitude and naughty boy. We gorillas are much less aggressive than chimps and celebrate primate brotherhood by dancing and chest-thumping.
I must apologise for my blog last night; instead of the "save as draft" button, I accidentally hit the "publish" one and came off looking like a total dumb blonde with no sense of editing. If I had a banana, I would give you one now :)
David McCallum is not so pretty now
As a Scot I must object strenuously. It's the WOMEN the chimps resemble and in fact those Scotsmen are merely afraid they will mistake one for their wife.

Naturally, as a pale, tantalizing, redheaded beauty, I just didn't fit in with this sea of ugly and had to leave.
I'll vouch for that TVA - look at Susan Boyle!

Thanks for stopping by my blog today you strange monkey-loving man. And I like your thoughts on size zero models as well.

B x
Crikey old chap, you're practically English. Now pass me my plus fours...
Like Vegetable Assassin, I am also Scottish and pale. Sort of an albino chimp I suppose. Hair remover is a fabulous invention.

You could land on my moons any day Mr GB.
Can chimps and/or gorillas swim?
Ladytruth: I didn't see much wrong with it, but thanks for the virtual banana.

Nursemyra: I'm sure he isn't, Nursie. But Ilya Kuryakin was popular with the ladies.

Vegetable Assassin: I wasn't intending to imply that anyone in Scotland looked like a chimp, Ms Assassin, but I'll defer to your superior local knowledge.

La Belle: Hello and welcome, Madame La Belle. I thought Ms Boyle was more like a female werewolf.

Mrs Housewife: Educated in England but not English, old girl. Thanks for dropping in.

Madame Defarge: Why thank you, Madame D, that is a most generous offer. I fear I would cause you some discomfort, though.

Troll Y2K: Not well enough to cross the English Channel.
Amusing and educational! A great blog, I think.

I shall return.
do you think it's possible to request a sex dream from yourself? like, sit and think...'ok brain - it's been a long time since you've done steve mcqueen on a private tropical beach where the sand is made of pudding. let's bring that one back again.'

if anyone knows, it will be you. and science.
I know a guy who was in line at a buffet next to Neil Armstrong. Armstrong was having trouble getting coffee from the urn, and my friend showed him how to tip the urn forward to get the last of the coffee out. He wondered This guy went to the moon?
Mr Bananas, of course the streets of Chester are not the best place for those adventurous chimpanzees, but poor things... they're free spirits! How can they possibly like to be imprisoned against their will?

Anyway... send them to the moon, far from the South Sandwich Islands. What a shame that you can't swim. :(
Just as well they didn't escape in Hartlepool - they hang chimps there on the off-chance that they're French....
Thirty chimpanzees?! I'm certain that they escaped to come visit our Bokito so they could talk about their experiences in the free world.

Bokito is a gorilla in the Rotterdam zoo who in 2007 escaped from his enclosure and attacked a woman (she's fine now). The woman was a regular visitor to the zoo, and several times a week pressed her face against his glass enclosure. The common wisdom after the attack was that the woman incited Bokito's rage by making eye contact.

But I think he wanted her and was angry that she kept leaving him. He was just mad at her refusal to submit to stay with him. But I could be wrong. Maybe it had nothing to do with sexual arousal after all.
Cut it, GB. You're giving me the horn, son. But, you're right - Old Charlton was ready to go there and then.
"...asks a man who could pass for either."

Blognut: Thank you Ms Blognut, you are welcome here anytime.

Kara: The pudding sounds too messy for Steve McQueen. I don't think he was a bit eater of desserts anyway.

Kurt: Well, even great men once learned to ride a bike. That coffee urn sounds a bit tricky to me.

Leni: You're a long distance from the Congo, Leni. Does a cruise ship stop at your port?

Red Squirrel: That's frontier justice all right. Chimps would rather be baboons than French.

Donut girl: You certainly are wrong, Ms Donut. Gorillas are not sexually attracted to women. He obviously found the sight of her face pressed against the glass barrier repulsive and annoying, as anyone would.

Emerson: Did you see Helena Bonham Carter in the re-make? She looked sexier as a chimp than a human.

JennyMac: Very kind of you to say so, Jenny.
At the National Air & Space Museum in Washington, D.C., the United States government has the mummified body of one of the chimps that explored space.

I wonder if Neil Armstrong will be stuffed and propped in a museum when he dies. We can only hope.
I like what 'ladytruth' had to say. I'm turned on by honest women. I hope she is a brunette, though. An honest brunette woman is enough to make me go ape all over her a good gentle way.
Ooh thank you for that picture of Steve McQueen, GB! As you know, one of my favourites. How odd that you should write about The Great Escape, I've just mentioned it in the post which I shall put up on Friday. David McCallum WAS Scottish, by the way. I think many people thought he was Russian.

The chimps wouldn't be so stupid as to break right out of the zoo, and have to forage for food. Why go self-catering when you can have room service? Lazy blighters. Definitely man's closest relative.
"You're a long distance from the Congo, Leni. Does a cruise ship stop at your port?"

I know, Mr Bananas. There's a cruise company that sails the route from the Congo to Sandwich. They will roll out the red carpet for you. ;)
I am rendered speechless, but not unpenned, by your McCallumny on the Noble Welsh Race, GB. We have been good friends to simianity ever since giving shelter and indeed citizenship to Tom Jones when he had to leave Burundi in a hurry back in '62.

No six-fingered Welsh patriot would ever hand over refugees or even loose change to the English. The white settlers and semi-Silurian hirelings of our Marcher lands are those at whom you ought to be pointing the banana of accusation.

Their names may be Dic Sion Dafydd, but their blood is not red. It's worth finding out yourself, though.

As for the Longshanks Saga, the Historical Truth Reassignation Dept of the Cymru Rouge is working on it.
Chris: Well I don't approve of mummifying anyone, isn't that what the Russians did to Lenin? It's clearly an un-American practice and it's about time that chimp got a decent burial.

Blase: I'm not sure Ladytruth wants it gentle, check out her blog. She dumped a guy because he was a wimp in the sack.

Lady Daphne: I knew David McCallum was a Scot, milady, but he hid it pretty well. The chimps must have thought the streets of Chester were paved with bananas, poor sods.

Leni: That would be wonderful, Leni, especially if you were there to greet me.

Mr Boyo: Well you're right about Tom Jones, although strictly speaking he was only an honorary gorilla, but there have been many toadyish acts in recent years. Didn't 49% of you vote against having your own parliament?
Great Welsh accent!
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