Friday, June 19, 2009

In memory of a monk

I refuse to believe that David Carradine wanked himself to death. A man who has studied the way of the Tao and the Shao, shaving his head bald and living on alfalfa beans, must be aware he can't ejaculate himself to happiness. I don't know what happened in that hotel room, but I certainly don't trust the bellboys to give an honest account of what they found. On discovering David’s lifeless body, they no doubt configured the corpse in a pose that would allow them to sell scurrilous tidbits to the gutter press. Their karmas will be cleansed by suffering in a future life.

What a man was Kwai Chang Caine! I think his mixed Chinese-Caucasian heritage gave him his unique insights and abilities. A man of purely western descent could never have absorbed the oriental mysticism of the Shaolin temple. Lacking inscrutability, he would have babbled like a fool in a vain attempt to make converts. But a full-blooded Chinaman would not have opened his heart to the foreign devils, doing his best to enlighten them before resorting to kung fu tactics. The great thing about Caine is that he always gave the rednecks a chance to repent before taming their inner demons with a well-aimed foot in the face. He spoke softly and carried the big kick.

I often think we should introduce a spiritual element to safari tourism. Our current visitors have the mentality of spectators at a Roman amphitheatre.

“Where are the lions, where are the lions?” they cry.

What are the lions? would be a more pertinent question. Great big snarling brutes who would chew your head off if you asked them for directions to nearest waterhole. It’s depressing that so many humans visit Africa to gawp at savagery and gore. The makers of snuff-video wildlife documentaries are no better.

Perhaps I should establish a jungle temple for our human visitors. Students of all creeds and persuasions would be taught the way of the Hairy Pu. We’d give them courses in grooming, grimacing and guttural noises (the three g’s). And let’s not forget ape yoga – quite different from the human varieties where one’s tush is in contact with the ground. That would never do in the jungle, with all the snakes and creepy-crawlies. Ape positions involve suspending the body in mid-air by the fingers or toes and letting gravity do most of the work. “You’ve never been stretched until you’ve been hung,” is our motto.

I don’t see the need to teach humans martial arts – it only makes them overconfident about their physical capabilities. Back in my circus days, I remember being challenged to a bout of unarmed combat by a fellow called Nasty Nash, who was a black belt in something or the other.

“Don’t be an oaf, Nasty!” I said. “If you kicked me in the head you’d break every bone in your foot!”

Nasty was so disappointed that I invented the sport of toe-wrestling specifically to enable him to fight me without risking bodily injury. He enjoyed it so much that he went on to found an association that promotes the sport and holds regular tournaments (for humans). Nasty is the current world champion, I believe.

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I agree that some humans should definitely not be taught martial arts, it only inflates their already overstuffed egos. However, for those of us mortals that are rather lacking in the confidence department, it is a positive boon.

I haven't read any of the tittle tattle about David Carradine. It just seemed wrong.
My mom has some pretty long gorilla toes. She could pinch really hard with her toes.

And I inherited her feet, so I could probably catch & peel a banana with mine.
Cow so happy to hear Gorilla's explanation, that all these sad stories were cooked up by bellboys for cold, hard cash.

So much better than thinking there was truth to this sad end.

Thank you, Gorilla, for making it better.

(muted Moo to Grasshopper)
I way... I guess somebody really wanted to Kill Bill...and I will avenge his death with my ham-fu technique and my deadly throwing olives...
Lions aren't extremely fascinating to me. i like the elephants and primates.. and giraffes.. i love giraffes.

the loss of Carradine was tragic. i cannot believe people are saying that about him.
Mr Bananas,

Not sure about participating in toe-wrestling tournaments, but I'd be more than glad to take a crash course in the three g's.

Humans should be taught the fine art of couple wrestling. It's funny, amazing and good for their health.

Whether David Carradine was wrestling with himself or not when he passed away, I hope he reached a state of total bliss.
Mrs Cake: Indeed, Joanna, I'm sure you'd never be tempted to kick a gorilla. Wrestling might be OK under the right conditions.

Sally: That's very impressive for a human. I like to shake a pair of maracas with my feet.

Topiary Cow: You're welcome, Ms Cow. We shall remember him as the noble Mr Caine.

Mr Meatbag: There's no need for vengeance as he probably died of natural causes. You may wail a lament if you wish.

Sarah: Giraffes are comical animals. Have you ever seen them drink? It's like lowering a crane.

Leni: Couple-wrestling sounds like a great way of releasing negative pent-up emotions. My females often couple-wrestle with me. It's not technically couple-wrestling because they jump on me at the same time.
I can do tricks on a trampolene, if that's any help?
GB: i've no idea what it is about them (giraffes) but they've always been my favorites. a long necked goat with cool patterns on it's fur. Gorillas have that quiet intensity though.
I am still in shock over the fact that Kwai Chang Kane is gone!!! The sifu of all sifus!
I still like to think of him dying as he did at the end of Kill Bill. With dignity and pizazz.

My kids make fun of me because I'm constantly picking things up with my toes around the house... I think they're just jealous because they didn't inherit my beautiful toes;)

I'm sitting here at working laughing hysterically at your fabulous humor as usual and my coworkers have asked that I say hello... so 'hello' from the gang here at the hospital=)

Hope you are having a marvelous day. xoxo
The more I read this post the harder I laugh... 'Hairy pu' eh? Where do you come up with this stuff Mr. B?
Two consecutive posts with onanism as a focus. Is this the way that the world ends, not with a bang but a hand-job?
Death by wanking. Bwa ha ha... there are certainly less pleasant ways to go. Though I can't think of anything quite so humiliating. It is a funny sign off. A great final chapter in its own way.
Scarlet: Such circus tricks are difficult to perform in the jungle, Miss Scarlet, but thank you for offering.

Sarah: Have you seen male giraffes neck-fighting, Sarah? It's how they test their strength and it's very funny.

Sabrina: His memory will never die, Saby. He was so humble in his wisdom.

Auri: Thank you, Auri, I'm glad to have pleased you. How about posting a picture of your feet on your blog? I would love to see your marvellous ape-like toes.

Inkspot: Both posts contained a passing reference to onanism, Inkspot, it wasn't the main focus in either. There's no need to exaggerate to make your point.

Melissa: He DID NOT die by wanking, that is unsubstantiated gossip! You are a very cheeky young woman to be laughing about such things.
Mr GB - I would willingly engage in a bout of toe wrestling with you. My toes are elegant and straight, much like myself. Then you could teach me some ape positions, although I fear that gravity is affecting some aspects of my person too much for my liking.
Will they play "One night in Bangkok" at his funeral, do you think?
GB: maybe there is a comical aspect to the attraction. i do dig the funny things in life. hence the reason i dig you!
Let's just hope he was happy when and as he died. Ape Yoga should be interesting. Can I visit the jungle for lesson? :)

I like inkspot's comment
Of course he wanked himself to death. I'm halfway there myself. That's not the point. What in the name of Hazel Blears do you mean by pinching my material? "aunt" for example and ceterii? Time was. AND Hutton stole "good kinky sex" from me an' all.

Kind regards to you as always Mr Gorilla Bananas.
Madame Defarge: I would teach you everything I know, Madame D, and I'm sure you'd be as good a pupil as the young Caine was to Master Po.

Lady Daphne: I hope not, milady. The theme from Kung Fu would surely be more fitting.

Sarah: Thank you, Sarah, I dig you in return.

Nothingman: You can take our course in ape yoga as long as you don't show off in front of the ladies, which is my job.

Nursemyra: Yes, the bang-handjob comparison was funny, wasn't it?

Dr Maroon: You must be unaware, Dr, that the aunt/cunt interchange was first proposed by Larry David in the excellent comedy show Curb You Enthusiasm. For you to claim ownership of the idea would have as little justification as me claiming ownership of the word "cha-cha", which you have used without my permission.
Dr Maroon reminds me of Q. Baebius Herennius, tribune of the people. Some people have very short memories. I pre-dated Larry David with my cunt/aunt shtik by several months, but I do not complain. I have adopted Maroon's use of "utter" in direct exchange. Also, he has only used cha-cha a couple of times, most notably during the rollmop herring discourse.

My thrust here, however, is auto-eroticism. It seems beyond all reasonable doubt that Carradine died trussed and beswaddled like some vile offering from H. Blumenthal. Let us pray that he didn't have a nectarine rammed in his mouth like the late Stephen Milligan, erstwhile fiance of the recently- shamed MP, Julie Kirkbride. What swinish times we live in, to be sure.
Well, Mr Gorilla Bananas, obviously I bow towards you and so on, but cha cha was in common ownership as far as I remember and Larry David for all his comic skill (Ricky Gervaise is a comic genius) still post dates me on the old aunt/cunt predictive text jingbang. As he does on coal/cock tongue/vomit and puppy/pussy. Therefore "I want to kick your puppy" can have the opposite meaning when speed reading, from "I want to lick your pussy."
Hey, listen mate, I know; I have the bruises (and dog bites) to prove it.

All love, you old anthropological talking ape (no offence).

Wanking? I thought he died as a result of self-bondage. If so, that would take some ingenuity.

It's no laughing matter but your motto says it all:

“You’ve never been stretched until you’ve been hung,”

So, hmm, uhm, yeah *awkward silence*
What are those great big snarling brutes called again?
Such a shame. Kung Fu was one of my favourite televisions pastimes.
So, David Carradine is dead, and what a way to go. Somebody should make a film dedicated to auto-erotic strangulators - they've been enough made about the mystique and the dangers of drugs already.
Mrs Pouncer: Dr Maroon reminds me more of a consul than the tribune. Were he to attain office, Roman citizens would be fondly reminded of "the consulship of Julius and Caesar".

Dr Maroon: I'm not Larry David's lawyer so I won't contradict you, Dr. Let's not do anything to attract the libel lawyers, they're worse than vultures.

Donut girl: Hello, Ms Donut, nice to have a visit from you. The motto has nothing to do with David C's demise. You're reading too much into it.

Ram: It must be quite a dangerous pastime while you're watching TV. I hope you didn't kick in the set.

Gadjo: The practice may have been depicted in a film called 'The Ruling Class'.
Ew...I have a slight foot phobia and I find that picture a little disturbing.
I'm getting all my grooming, grimacing and guttural noises training from female tennis players at Wimbledon at the moment.

How considerate of you to look after ol' Nasty.
Ah, Grasshopper. You naughty minx! Give your Master some sugar.
I'd like to see YOUR toes, Mr. Bananas!
OOOh... I second Ms. Salti's call for your toes. Let's see them Mr. Bananas!
Ms OWO: Don't you like your feet? How about a foot massage?

Rachel: They make great noises, don't they Rach? Maria Sharapova is usually the loudest.

Ms NOIP: Hah! You'd be a great Shaolin mistress, trying to seduce her students!

Ms Salti: Here they are.

Auri: See above, hon.
i never want to be caught naked with anything around my neck.

or dead.
He wanked himself to death? So what did they say at the funeral? "He died the way he lived..."

Look a that little hooligan in the pink jacket, on the right of your picture of the toe-wrestling match!
Kara: You don't like the naked-and-necklace look?

Borah: It's nice to see girls get so enthusiastic about a sport.
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