Monday, April 06, 2009

Britney and Mel

Isn’t it wonderful to see Britney Spears back to her old self ? It warms the cockles of my groin to view pictures of her squatting on stage in a ring-mistress costume. I wish I could have been there to listen to her miming to her greatest hits. The audience supposedly lapped it up like cream from a freshly-milked cow.

As a former circus ape, I have to point out that calling her act “The Circus” wasn’t technically correct. You simply can’t have a proper circus without clowns. Dwarves and gimps are fine in their place, but they aren’t trained to make the right facial expressions when you kick them in the arse or pour custard down their pants. It’s a pity, really, because I’m sure there are many clowns who would have loved Britney to work them over.

Here’s a snippet of gossip you may not know: Britney owes her recovery to the tender loving care of Mel Gibson. The A-list actor and family man has confirmed that he
took Britney under his wing when her fortunes were at a low ebb and she was apparently off her rocker. His many acts of kindness included inviting her to his villa in Costa Rica and watching her frolic on the beach.

The manager of the safari camp, being a cynical old vulture, suggested that Mel’s avuncular concern sprung primarily from a desire to pat Britney repeatedly on the bum. I, for one, don’t buy it. Why would a film star who has enjoyed simulated sexual intercourse with the most beautiful actresses in the world (including contact between opposing pairs of nipples) be remotely interested in Britney’s behind? Only people who don’t work in show business think there is anything special about a famous starlet’s tush. The manager was obviously projecting his own squalid fantasies onto Mr Gibson.

Is it possible for the human male to pat a woman’s bottom affectionately without being vulgar or suggestive? I think not. He simply cannot avoid leering indecently or making an off-colour remark – it is hardwired into his DNA. A male gorilla, on the other hand, presses the flesh of his females with great dignity. Paw-on-rump from a silverback is an act of pure physicality that would make any female feel special.

Yet bottoms are not the main issue here. The questions that confront us are: (i) Has Britney Spears permanently recovered from her breakdown? and (ii) Is Mel Gibson really a nice guy rather than a papist nutter who made a film depicting a man being tortured for 100 minutes?

The answer to the first question is “time will tell”. For the moment she looks like the bouncy Britney of old, but who knows when a relapse might occur? Much will depend on the quality of her underwear – and whether she chooses to wear it. The answer to the second question is “both personalities co-exist within the same tortured soul”. Mel’s desire to help flighty damsels in distress goes hand-in-hand with his tendency to fly off the handle and take things to extremes. He may well have been playing himself in the Mad Max movies.

I shall ask the local witch doctor to put a calming spell of soothement on both of them.

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I believe that this merely the prequel to Ms Spears squatting in her own feces covered career.

Once Mr Gibson has finished preparing her more than aedquate rump for the firm boot of inevitability, he will once more fade into his own short posterior once more.

Toxic? One would indeed say so.
Hm, maybe one nutter plus another nutter cancels everything out. I dunno, I was shit at maths and I presume that Britters and Mel are too.

I'll be on pantie watch with my fingers crossed.
Perhaps Britney saw 'It' at an impressionable age and was scared witless by clowns as so many of us were GB? Paw-on-rump from a human male is rarely dignified and often leads to the kick up the arse/custard down the pants scenario you had pencilled in for the clowns. No doubt there's a delightful young man waiting in the wings to fill their oversize boots for Britney.
Are you seriously trying to tell me that bottoms aren't the issue here? You're not fooling me, Mr Bananas!
"The audience supposedly lapped it up like cream from a freshly-milked cow."

I like that one!

Unfortunately, being a pessimist human, I think the answer to both questions (i) and (ii) is a very loud and resounding NO. And that's why Britney and Mel will keep entertaining us for a long time.
Your insistence on the quality of her underwear is surely correct. Might I ask you to pass on the suggestion that it should come from Agent Provocateur? No-one could blame her for going naked if the alternative is stuff from Ann Summers; apparently this chafes like the devil.
i just can't bring myself to care a whit about britney and her supposed madness. everything about her is so just doesn't seem worthy of notice.

i enjoy the antics of the truly bjork.
Well Mel hasn't been very popular of late...and I think he is trying to bring Brittiness back to fame so he can ride on her coat tails and get back some respect...which is ridiculous. He should wear his kilt about town and let the poparazi snap pictures of his crotch...that would get him back in the headlines.
And I'd love a nice warm paw on my Cheeky cheeks....
I haven't followed the careers of either of these two giants of the entertainment world. I'm puzzled as to why such people would want to project themselves back into the spotlight. Instead, Gibson could become a vicar and Britney open a small haberdashery shop in St. Albans.
Mr Bastard: Harsh words indeed! Your grim soothsaying would strike terror in humans far braver than that Britney and Mel.

Rachel: It's very noble of you to go on panty watch, Rach! The last people who panty-watched Britney got an eyeful of her kitty in a distinctly hairless condition.

Kate: The great thing about clowns, Kate, is you don't have to wait for them to goose you before kicking them in the arse. I sincerely hope Britney's tush remains unmolested by any human hand.

Scarlet: The issue between you and me is certainly bottoms, Miss Scarlet. You are long overdue your spanking.

Sidhu: I thought it was a good simile for Britney's act.

Nina: Hello and Welcome, Nina. You may well be right, but I will continue to pray for their redemption.

Inkspot: Maybe that was the mistake she made last time. I shall remember that Ann Summers is the brand for women who go commando.

Kara: Well Bjork knows how to lash out like an alley cat, but Britney did shave her head, give her credit for that.

Sweet Cheeks: Hello Mrs Cheeks! I don't think being Britney's uncle will make Mel more popular either. I would suggest a romantic comedy with Diane Keaton to show he appreciates the older woman.

Gadjo: That's because you're too much of a quirky intellectual to understand mass culture. Click on the link to find out how much Britney is still adored.
Perhaps religion and the love of Jesus binds these two together?

Mel Gibson is a keen Roman Catholic and Spearsy is from the Bible belt.

Mind you, just cos Gibbo's an old git doesn't mean he doesn't get the horn anymore.
Hmm...i've never given more attention or thought to Britney's arse either. I suppose once you've seen the 'holey grail' nothing else matters

I too shall be on panty alert :p
I was somewhat disasppointed to note that although you'd categorised this otherwise excellent piece of analysis as "goosing", there weren't any geese. Looking forward to this being rectified in a future piece, perhaps also featuring Tom Cruise and a female of your choice.
I have long admired Miss Spears except during her 'shaven haven ' phase. I would deffo like to give her a hearty slap on the rump if it makes her feel better Mr B , I however have still not forgiven Mr Gibson for that rebel rousing scottish mularkey
In her hey-day, I would have patted Britney on the ass affectionately. xx
Both Britney and Mel need slapped bottoms by the sound of it. Sounds as though there are plenty of volunteers for Britney, not so much Mel
Cow's opinion: the only good moovie Mel made was Road Warrior, all been downhill since then.

As for his helping Britney, there is nothing like being around somebody worse-off than yourself to make you feel better. Drunkard? Well, being around somebody insane will likely make you feel better about being an alky.

Emerson: To be given patting rights by Britney would be a great honour for any man, but I don't think he'd risk it without an invitation.

Sabrina: Her bum and thighs are very pattable, Saby. Have a look at them here.

Phil: My labels aren't supposed to be taken seriously, Phil. They're just a diversion to catch the eye.

Beast: A slap would be going too far, Beast. We're talking about a gentle pat with a bit of fingertip action.

Elise: Welcome, Elise. A woman could do it affectionately, but a man would enjoy it too much.

Lulu: Mel's moon is probably too leathery, but I'm sure you'd still get a good crack from Britney's peaches.

Topiary Cow: Do you think they could be good for each other, Ms Cow? It's like group therapy with two patients and no doctor.
It looks like she's having a poo frankly.

Reminds me of Amsterdam for some reason....
and i thought J-Lo's butt was famous.

Brit was sexy in the vid for "I'm a Slave for you" now, she is a MILF, i guess :P

If Britney has recovered and become 'normal' maybe Mel simply brainwashed her into becoming a religious nut. It should be funny to see her embracing Catholicism and becoming one of those born again virgins!
The answer to the first question should be she's clearly not recovered if she chose to call the tour The Circus. At least she didn't include clowns, they are plain scary.
The cockles of your groin? *giggle*.
i've noticed some people have serious "hero" complexes going on..

did he really pat her on the bottom? i would have made him spank me. no patting.
I always wanted to pat Mel on the bottom (until the Passion of Kee-rist, at least). Those leather pants? The scene where he's peering over an escarpment and the camera angle is... it just makes me think of the thwack of a good stiffened leather paddle on that leather arse, actually... of course he is an old git now, you're right... but I think we deserve to see how his bum has held up, never mind Britney's...
Red Squirrel: They are shitting in the streets in Amsterdam? My God, the recession must really be biting.

Nothingman: I wonder how many MILFs are actually mothers? I suspect that any attractive woman over 27 is a potential MILF.

Emma: Didn't she claim to be an actual virgin at the height of her pre-marital fame? But I don't think she's interested in sexual abstinence now. Apparently she had a quickie with one of the male performers backstage.

Polly: You too, Polly? One day I am going to hold group therapy sessions for young ladies with the clown phobia.

Ms Dolcevita: Isn't that the correct expression? Sometimes I confuse my groin with other areas of my body.

Sarah: Haha! For that comment, you are officially re-classified as a girl I'd like to spank.

Ms Sledpress: If it were in my power, I'd serve him to you on a dish with his hands and feet bound.
Ooh you're right! I'd like to bend her over my lap and give her a good spanking!!!! Mmmmmmmm...
The Mel Gibson of 25 years ago could take me under his wing (or anywhere else for that matter). His latter-day religious rantings have though, in my eyes, reduced his attractiveness.

I have a modicum of sympathy for Ms Spears - many of us have a period of 'barking bonkers' in our lives - the fact that hers took place so publicly must be immensely difficult for her.

A young man once smacked my bottom - it was unwelcome and it hurt. So I tipped a fire bucket of sand over his head.

They share a love of flashing their nether regions, Mel did it in "Braveheart" and Britney did it practically anywhere. Perhaps they would be a bit less loony if they kept their drawers on. Going commando only leads to antisocial behaviour - look at the Scots, for God's sake.
"Britney Spears, but Gibson Soaks it in Vinegar" is the graffito I saw in the gents at the ICA the other day. You get a better class of lewdness among film critics.
Britney's never been the same since she was dumped by Timberlake. I blame him.
how much does this witch doctor of yours charge...i may be interested
Mr Gorilla Bananas, such wonderful upskirt shots you find. However, I think the jury is out as far as hard wiring is concerned and fine well you know it. I will concede that he (short-legged Mel) has been playing himself for years.
You may be interested to know that I am an expert on the aesthetics of the female human (no offence) form. I can give pointers if required.
Britney would be well advised to invest in superior lingerie, as you suggest. Nothing screams "hasbeen" more effectively than a worn gusset, or some misplaced padding. I assume that she has the wherewithal to afford high marque items, but I can advise on sensible spending. Conjurers' wives and I spend wisely on brazilian-cut backlacers which allow for immediate release if necessary. Of course, you have to have the toches for it, which I do.
Sabrina: I could spank both of you, Saby! One on each knee!

Kitty: Serves the bounder right! He should have asked you first and used a lighter touch.

Lady Daphne: It's probably quite hygienic to let the air circulate in the nether regions, but perhaps the tingling breeze makes some people light-headed as well.

Mr Boyo: I fail to spot the puns. Are they brands of pickle?

Pi: Did she really have an affair with him? I can't keep up with her comings and goings.

Daisy: No charge for you, Daisy. I'll add you to the list.

Dr Maroon: I've been receiving your pointers for the last 45 months, Dr Maroon, and they have all added to the sum of my knowledge. I am glad you wrote that Mel has been "playing himself" rather than "playing with himself", as you are not a man to make scurrilous accusations.

Mrs Pouncer: Maybe you ought to clarify the meaning of "immediate release", Mrs Pouncer. I would be distressed if anyone thought you were endorsing the practice of "queefing".
GB seems to have touched a nerve with Britney and Mel.

And Cow hoping that's the only touching going on with those two...

Britney has rarely troubled my thoughts, but I am glad that she has grown out of cavorting in school uniforms. Made it very hard for the rest of us to look convincing.
I thought that these days, Mel was more concerned with a lady's 'sugar t*ts' than her arse. Or perhaps he reserves this accolade to female police officers only.
My mum used to call the woman on reception at the bank 'vinegar t*ts'. Ah, dear old Mum, an insult for every occasion.
There's a lot to be said for patting Mel Gibson on the behind. With an amphibious landng craft.

I shan't get onto the subject of celebrity ladies' bottoms because I think my eyesight is going.
Perhaps they will form a duo - like the ill fated Sonny and Cher? I for one think that would work - and they could make a speciality of performing in nudist camps...
Perhaps Mel has a (post apocolyptic) future in counselling young starlets.

He should call his villa in Costa Rica "Thunderdome" and fly in Lindsay Lohan next.
Topiary Cow: They seem to be good for each other's nerves, Ms Cow.

Madame Defarge: I have always found you utterly convincing, Madame Defarge. The picture of you in my mind is formidable.

Woman in Black: How foolish he was to sugartit a woman with a gun. I am reminded of a joke by the late Benny Hill.

Kevin: You don't need perfect eyesight to pat a celebrity bottom. They are usually big enough for a lunge in roughly the right direction to hit the mark.

Mutley: I haven't heard Mel's singing voice. I wonder if he's any good? Sonny and Cher did have a massive hit.

Ram: Perhaps he should offer Tina Turner a Mother Superior role for the troubled young women.
I gather it's a reference to the Passion of the Christ, who was ill-treated with vinegar and/or other contemporaneous Middle Eastern condiments.
Smacking on the bum has never worked for me, personally... neither giving or receiving :)
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