Wednesday, March 04, 2009

When I spoke to Hugh Hefner

I hear that Hugh Hefner is stalking Kate Winslet like a prairie wolf in the hope of persuading her to pose nude in Playboy. “She will never agree!” I hear you cry. Yet many female celebrities thought they could resist the old lecher's advances, only to relent when he fixed them with his snake eyes and reached for his cheque book. Part of me, of course, hopes that Hef will get his way. It is beyond dispute that Kate’s body is one of the most beautiful objects on Planet Earth. The manager of the safari camp was so impressed by her nude peeing scene in Holy Smoke that he was inspired to write these lines of verse:

More fertile than the Nile Delta

More luscious than the Melons of Malta
More curvaceous than the Hills of Beverly
More inviting than the Hot Springs of Wherever

I told him the last line needed work.

However delightful another glimpse of Kate’s gorgeous body would be, one must concede that there are sound reasons for her to refuse. It pains me to say that Playboy is no longer the respected periodical it once was. Gone are the in-depth analysis and wry commentary that its sophisticated readers used to appreciate. Even the crossword puzzle lacks the brain-teasing bite of old. It’s a sorry example of dumbing down to compete with the internet.

I once spoke to Hef on the phone to give him some ideas for improving his organ. If you think I just dialled his number and said “hello” you are sadly mistaken. My people spent weeks negotiating with his people before Larry Flynt’s people were brought in to mediate. An agreement was finally hammered out, and I won’t bore you with the details of that document. Suffice it to say that I promised to refrain from mentioning anything that might embarrass Hef or make him feel like a doofus. So I rang at the pre-arranged time, coinciding with the end of his afternoon nap. From memory, the conversation went something like this:

GB: Mr Hefner, is that you? This is Gorilla Bananas speaking.

HH: Call me Hef, GB. I hear you’ve got some ideas for my magazine.

GB: You bet Hef! You should hire a big name to write for you. People say you only like blue-eyed blondes, so I suggest you approach Oprah Winfrey.

HH: Playboy has had many African-American models, GB, but Miss Winfrey is not the finest specimen of her race. If you’d said Whitney Houston I would have understood where you were shooting from, but...

GB: Excuse me for interrupting, Hef, but I’m not suggesting you publish naked pictures of her! It is her writing ability that you need. Ask her to describe in detail all the hoochie-mama loving she’s done. I guarantee that your circulation will double if she writes a story with the headline: “MICHAEL JACKSON ATE MY PUSSY!”.

HH: You know for a fact that happened?

GB: Who’s going to deny it, Hef? It makes Oprah look good, and a wuss like Michael Jackson isn't going to say anything in public about going down on a woman, even if he didn't do it. I’m not actually certain he knows what it means.

HH: I like the way you think, jungle fella! Leave it with me and I’ll float it around.
Been a pleasure to talk with you, GB.

GB: And for me, Hef! Give my regards to the playmates!

The months passed and I heard nothing from Hef. Then a Playboy insider revealed that negotiations with Oprah had reached an advanced stage, only to flounder on the issue of money. When Hef heard the fee she was demanding he reputedly said:

“That overfed crow can kiss my ass if she thinks I’m paying her more than the cost of running the mansion.”

It tells you a lot about his priorities, doesn’t it? Surrounding himself with dolly birds is more important than making his magazine admired for its prose as well as its pictures. I hope his mangy dick falls off.

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I imagine his dick has fallen off.
Probably had one fused back on. People are forever going about what will happen when Castro dies, but what about when Hef passes on. Who's going to take on his legacy?
Micheal Jackson would be more likely to dangle her pussy over the side of a balcony. He's not coming anywhere near mine...
I think the girl in the pink corset possibly has the melons of malta. Mmm-mmm.....
You would think that the Hef would know that purple does not go with crimson. He is guilty of many offences, but worst of all are the sartorial. No wonder KW won't go near him. I wouldn't, with him dressed like that.
Funny when that happens. Telepathy?
BTW does he EVER get out of his PJs?
Hef is an airbrushing buffoon.
Why is it that his models look like they're airbrushed even under their clothes?
The important thing is you tried, GB. I've also made attempts to improve the quality of writing at Playboy, but all my stories have been rejected and returned with editorial notes like, "Too unbelievable", or "Eeeeeuw!".
YOU BAD GORILLA!!!!!!! How could you insult my Michael that way???!!!! I'm afraid i won't be speaking to you for several hours!
Hef is a tosser
Emerson: That's a very good question. I would give Bill Gates control of his business empire and let Huge Grant stay in the mansion.

Scarlet: I'm glad to hear it, Miss Scarlet! I'm sure your pussy appreciates only the most delicate touch.

Red Squirrel: Shame on you for preferring those silicone bazookas to Kate's natural milk dumplings!

Madame Defarge: He can't help it, Madame D. The surfeit of luxury in his life has destroyed his sense of taste.

Pi: He possibly removes them when he is being bathed.

XL: Really? So his models are touched up in more ways than one.

Sledpress: Maybe cosmetic surgery gives that impression.

Kyknoord: Perhaps they should publish a version of the magazine without pictures, so that men who say they read the articles are taken seriously.

Sabrina: My dearest Saby, I realised it would upset you to see your dear Michael mocked. However the headline is really a satire of this famous one, so Michael shouldn't take it personally.

Nursemyra: If he came to your hospital would he be popular with the ladies, Nursie?
Didn't Ms Winfrey once remark that she regretted ever interviewing Michael Jackson? I don't think she'd let him anywhere near her pussy, or any of her other pets either. x
Hefner should watch The Reader to get a good angle on Kate's body, plenty of her charms on display there... in fact those who saw that film may feel a slight overdose, if that's possible at all...

Saying that Kate is a gorgeous woman indeed.
Used to be appearing in PlayBoy was an accolade. Now it's de rigeur. And such an accepted thing to do. Not edgy or anything. I suspect Ms Winslet has no need of such exposure.
Thanks to your recommendation, I have spent the last three hours googling images of Holy Smoke, cutting them out of the internet and gluing them together in a flick book.

The final result is perhaps not as fluid as the original film, but there is an awful lot more of Kate Winslet's chuff.
I think I just spent far too long looking at Kate's curves for it to be comfortable. She's done a nude peeing scene? Brave girl.

Hef's hussies all look the damn same, maybe he doesn't realise he has multiple girlfriends.

Props to him for having a legendary house though, housing Elvis while he sleeps with eight women at once is a claim to something at least.
Mr. Gorilla Bananas: First, let me say I love your purple telephone. Do you know where I might get one? I think all men should take comfort in the fact that Hugh Hefner is still more concerned with his mangy dick than his brain. And there are drugs for dick failure... but brain failure is a very final and bitter end.
Ha - I agree that Kate's a pretty specimin of a real women but I seriously doubt she would do it. Love the hugh hef conversation though - dripping with humour ;-)
Kitty: Maybe she regrets asking him whether he was a virgin or used a skin lightener. The "ate my pussy" headline might draw attention away from that embarrassing encounter.

Polly: There's nothing like a woman who can act well in the nude! I'm so glad she won the Oscar.

Mrs Cake: True enough, we've already got all the exposure we need in her films. What Hef doesn't understand is that posing for a camera will never compare with acting.

Dubious George: It's much better in the film. You may as well google Hef's bimbos if all you want to do is stare at chuff.

Rachel: It was a standing up nude peeing scene, Rach! It was also the turning point of the movie, you must see it! I'd rather watch Kate that any of Hef's playmates.

Ana: I would describe it as 'pale mauve' rather than 'purple', Ana. I could send you one with a personal inscription if you want. Viagra has given Hef a new lease of life, but God only knows how he tells his playmates apart.

Kat: I hope she doesn't do it because her nudity would be a let down without the acting. She's too good for mere posing. Glad you enjoyed the Hef conversation!
i'd never get out of my pj's if i didn't have to. in fact i am in them right now. oh i said it.
As I'm sure you know the Playboy mag doesn't make any money as most young men don't have time to read. Hef has many other mags though and I recently read one called Playboy MILFs, all (supposedly) real smoking hot soccer moms. At the back of the mag they said they were doing open castings for new models. I thought it was funny to think of these moms leaving the kids in the car while they went in and did a ten to two pose. Unfortunately there were no imminent castings in the Baltimore area ... lol
Playboy always used to be bought 'for the articles' didn't it GB? and in the olden days many genuinely desirable women agreed to appear to celebrate their moment of glory before the slow journey south. Rather sad it's all taken a 'reader's wives' turn - or in Hef's case 'publisher's wifelets'. BTW is that really your office? Always imagined an elegant campaign tent affair ...
Rumour has it that's Hef's willie is clinging on by a mere thread, as it is. It's on its last leg, you might say. Can't be too much longer til, you know, it just bobs away in the bubbles of the Grotto. Where do old dicks go when they die?
Crys: Maybe you're the woman who could steal Hef's heart. And his fortune if you wait a few years.

Emma: You don't need some tawdry MILF magazine, Emma. You've got a blog and a camcorder and an eager male audience!

Kate: It's fascinating to think of men discussing the finer points of an article in Playboy. If only Hef had published a piece by Einstein about the space-time continuum. It would given eminent scientists an excuse to buy it. I don't have an office, Kate, I just borrow one when I need it.

Sam: Dicks go to Dick Heaven, Sam. That's located somewhere between Anna Nicole Smith's boobies.
Outrageous! Until today, playboy held a prestigious position on my magazine racks (right between ultimate fighting weekly and the tattoo mags) but I'm bumping to down next to the colouring books and archie comics.

That should send a message back to Hef
The woman in black on the left looks decidedly strange though. Has she just been appearing in a production of Les Liaisons Dangereuses set in the 23rd century?
in answer to your question GB - unfortunately "Yes"
Playboy is last century's chip wrappers. Heat and Nuts and what's that other one are what boys read nowadays. Those that can read that is.
Thanks for the thumbs up. Maybe I would be webcamming for my captive audience of 3: you, Electro-Kevin and Steve, but you have no idea the furore that would break out if my labia was seen by some tedious mother and it was reported back to the school. Believe me it would be a storm in a teacup I would never recover from!
Jungle fella---Cow quite likes this nickname for the revered GB!

And sadly, GB's photo illustrates the waning power of Hef and his empire, all the lovelies with whom he is pictured having since left him for greener pastures.

Or something.

What a shame Hef did not exert himself to implement the Oprah option, regardless of cost.

I haven't picked up a copy of Playboy for years, so I can't comment on its content in relation to the dumming down. However, GB, I think trying to get Oprah to reveal anything about her private life was perhaps a tactical error. If you were thinking of someone with a literary connection who is not afraid to reveal an ample cleavage in front of the cameras, why not approach Richard and Judy?
Ram: Thank you, Sir! It is the actions of honest shopkeepers such as yourself that keep the publishers of pornography on the straight and narrow.

Gadjo: I'd be very surprised if she were capable of playing a part that required such lengthy dialogue.

Nursemyra: Perhaps he should book a place then, Nursie.

Daphne: I prefer my nuts cold, but then I live in a tropical climate. 'Heat and Nuts' is a title of decidely ambiguous sexuality, milady.

Emma: I wouldn't actually look at your labia, Emma, the expression on your face is what would interest me. And your bottom, of course.

Topiary Cow: If only Hef had your good sense, Ms Cow! His pasture, as you imply, is looking rather yellow these days.

Dr Joe: I've never heard of these people. Are they famous for their sexual antics? Perhaps they should settle down and marry.
And upon reading this article, Hugh Hefner's dick fell off.
Mr. Gorilla Bananas: Yes! Send me a mauve phone. Please inscribe it "To Ana, with affection." And thank you for recognizing my Dido reference! How is it possible for one primate to be so well read and so irresistably hairy?! Be careful there, big fella or I'll have no choice but to become quite smitten with your blogalicious self.
I was once asked to pose nude for the periodical 'Gentle-Men in Top-Hats', which featured nude portraits of gents in their top-hats, and nothing more.

Sadly, the centrefold position I was offered was too small to adequately capture me in all my 'glory'.
Are you a bit chubby then M'lord ???
Hef is a senile old fool !
What a wonderful world we live in: people who can't afford an article by a big woman think/know they can afford nudy pics of a hot blonde...
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Playboy was nice when I was a kid. Just saw old issues. Hefner is ok I guess, but most people are jealous of him. I hope he dies a sick death.


Static: It's time to put that thing in a museum.

Ana: I shall strive to be worthy of your affection, Ana. Maybe the phone should have a special hotline connecting us.

Lord Likely: Lord Palmerstone would look lonely without the company of a lady, m'lud.

Beast: I wonder if he has any hobbies apart from the playmates.

Deborah: Well it's his money, Deb. His hot blondes all look the same to me, but then I'm a gorilla.

Ocean: Hello there. Maybe "Drop into the Ocean" should be your motto.

Nothingman: I doubt the playmates get much pleasure from his attention these days.
Playboy should try publishing some hard hitting, in depth news articles like the newspapers used to. It might seem hard in the day of the internet, but the New Yorker still manages to come up with a few doozies. Playboy needs its own Seymour Hersh.

Imagine the media having to quote their source as Playboy. It'd probably make the whole lot of them uncomfortable, the bunch of twats.
If ever a more odious creature crawled out from underneath a rug..

Ms Winslett is refined and surely would not even contemplate scraping and bowing to a baw-heid with such a flesh crawling grimace?

Holy mother of god! Kate is my last bastion in classy female enticers..
Actually darling i took offense with you calling him a wuss :(

And once we get married, i will teach him the art of eating!!!
It's all very well Ms Winslett considering (if she does) posing for the highbrow stuff like Playboy or Big Jugs, but when do us normal folk get to see her in Razzle eh?

Or do we just have to carry on making do with 48-year-old tattoo demontators on their third boob job and eighth child?

One rule for the rich . . .
Kate raises the whole tone of Reading, and is deeply resented for it by the local trogs. Doing Playboy would reduce her to the town mean. I can see a local press campaign brewing, and by golly I'm going to lead it!
Chris: Seymour Tits would be a better name for a Playboy journalist.

Mr Bastard: Let's hope she keeps Hef at arm's length even if she agrees to pose nude.

Saby: I'm sure you'll be a great teacher, Saby! He really needed a wife like you 20 years ago.

Jules: 'Razzle' is for the man who likes his cheese with maggots in it. Kate would spoil its social realism.

Mr Boyo: Good idea. She should definitely pose nude in a local paper before selling herself to Hef's rag. Does she have a bit of Welsh in her? She reminds me a bit of those buxom Welsh girls on the University Challenge advert.
I shall not rise (hur hur) to the obvious feedline in that response, GB, but thank you for it all the same.

As far as I know Young Kate is Welschfrei. And how about an Oscar for Charlotte Church, you Yank bastards?
Winslett naked? I already see much to much of her with clothes on
be happy and love. kiss
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