Wednesday, April 01, 2009

The Pope in Africa

A reader has asked me to comment on Pope Benny’s recent visit to Africa. I admit I’ve been avoiding the subject for fear of stirring ill-will among my human cousins. Rancour is an emotion that should be kept a safe distance from the bosom. I certainly wasn’t one of those who hooted and heckled the high pontiff when he announced his opposition to condoms. To my way of thinking, a man’s sexual habits are his own private affair. If Benny is happy for his todger to take a dip without a life jacket, who am I to interfere? The nuns who visit him are surely capable of asking to see the results of his latest STD check-up before accepting his blessing.

A pair of American women staying at the safari guesthouse told me they would be joining a feminist protest against the Pope and his reactionary views. They showed me a box of custom-made condoms, each with a picture of Benny’s head on it. After inflating them like balloons at a papal rally, their intention was to burst them shouting “Pop the Pope!”

“My dear ladies!” I exclaimed. “Blowing and popping is not even recognised as an insult in Africa. People would assume you were celebrating someone’s birthday. In this part of the world, humans express strong feelings either by dancing or throwing spears. Since you lack javelin expertise, I suggest you shake your bottoms disdainfully at the Pope during his sermon.”

“What shall we do with the condoms?” they asked.

It was a fair question. Leaving them in the box would have been a waste of good rubber.

“Why not insert peeled bananas inside them before your protest?” I suggested. “You could hold one in either hand and crush them in your fists at a climactic point in the dance. The symbolism would be obvious to everyone. Benny would have to double his dosage of Viagra after seeing that.”

They seemed satisfied with my advice and gave me a book to read called Postmodernism and Gender Relations in Feminist Theory. I promised to study it carefully.

Far more troubling to me was the Pope’s
insidious attempt to convert witches to Roman Catholicism. The witch doctor is a friendly neighbourhood apothecary in Africa. Some are nefarious frauds and impostors, but to condemn an entire profession because of a few bad apples isn’t playing fair. How would Benny like it if I said all Catholic priests were pederasts?

I had very good relations with the English witch community back in my circus days. Nowadays they are all good witches, the bad ones having been burned a long time ago. I would describe those I knew as boisterous ladies with an aptitude for handicrafts, herbal medicine and naked outdoor dancing. It would be no exaggeration to say that we got on like a house on fire. Convinced that I was some sort of hairy wizard, they invited me to one of their outdoor dances. I went there purely as an observer, of course. Gorillas do not boogie with naked women.

On returning to the circus, my friend Smacker Ramrod, the circus vet, asked me where I had been. I immediately told him of the wondrous spectacle I had witnessed.

“I bet most of them were hairy old lesbians,” he sniffed.

He was obviously jealous

“They were not, Smacker,” I replied haughtily. “And since you have attempted to demean them, I would point out that: (a) there is nothing wrong with being hairy; (b) the elderly do not participate in such events, which might be injurious to their heath; and (c) you are the last person who should use the word “lesbian” in a derogatory sense given your own taste in erotic entertainment.”

He graciously withdrew his remark and I promised to introduce him to the foxier witches in my acquaintance.

Labels: , ,

Isn't that woman to his left a witch? Or a transvestite? What the hell? Seriously, who IS that?

Are you sure the banana-in-condom bit isn't a little more to your liking, Mr. GB? To really flip his switch, they should fill them with holy water and play balloon toss over his head.
Is Smacker Ramrod married to the Home Secretary? Please say yes, I would respect her so much more.
Can I not tempt you to boogie with a naked lady, Mr Bananas??
I think that's Rula Lenska with the pope isn't it?

Scarlet - you are incorrigible, you know full well that GB would boogie with a naked lady at the drop of a cream puff.
Could you not accompany the bananas with some melons to make a lovely fruit cocktail - Pope Benny make enjoy mixing it up. He'd have to leave out the cherries though. No-one likes cherries in their fruit salad.
Looks like ol' Benny didn't need the viagra after all that banana squelching. Why else would he hold his robe like that?
Sorry Lulu! And yes, I agree, that must be Rula Lenska...
A Baboon and a Buffoon... a hairy arse and a teary arse.

She is not Doctor Livingston I presume?
The hirsute salute you. Great post. I'm not sure who Rula Lenska is but based on the photo I assume he used to be a football player.
The question is - when the pope gives his blessing, does he call it the 'body of christ'?

I probably would, were I Pope.
Crushed banana rubbers....just a damn mess...

Kisses GB Darling
Ana: Godammit Ana, she's the first lady of Cameroon! Comments like yours could start a regional war! The condom water-bomb is a great idea, but would the right people get baptised?

Inkspot: You'd think more highly of the Home Secretary if her husband was keen on watching lesbian porn? I suspect there may be a flaw in your reasoning.

Scarlet: Perhaps you can, Miss Scarlet, but I'm not that keen on the Brazilian style.

Lulu: Tush, Lulu, I can live without naked women! And be careful what you say about the first lady of Cameroon!

Madame Defarge: Any fruit that could fit inside a condom and be squished would be acceptable. Perhaps Benny should eat the contents afterwards, he looks a bit constipated.

Rachel: Good point, Rach, he's obviously looking at something that's excited him. The man is a sexual dynamo!

Mr Bastard: I'm not sure who you're referring to, but I am surprised that you'd take the noble Dr Livingstone's name in vain.

Ram: Thanks, Ram. I believe she is a red-haired actress. She must be quite a bit older than the first lady of Cameroon.

Red Squirrel: He's probably speaking in tongues while he's doing it, so we'd never know for sure.

Mrs Cheeks: Messy but edible, my dear lady!
Yes, I was also wondering who that was on the Pope's right, but 'tis true 'tis Rula Lenska!! (And maybe that's her cat-friend George Galloway on his left, attempting to blend in and ingratiate himself.)

If the Pope doesn't want to endorse the condoms - thus promoting sex between two people - maybe he should endorse the bananas instead.
I was talking about the grey haired fella in the middle of the group.

Who else?
hilarious as usual
Dennis Waterman, that who she was married to wasn't it? Old Lenska, I mean.

Don't s'pose you get much chance to watch Minder out in the jungle?
For once I'll disagree with you, GB, there is A LOT wrong with being hairy.
If only the pope's pop had used a rubber to avoid giving birth to such a joke :P

Funny and brilliant as always, sir.


I'd rather waste good rubber than good bananas.
"shake your bottoms disdainfully.."

(laughing) i'm trying to picture how disdainfull bootie shaking would look.
Gadjo: If Benny has anything against bananas he can kiss my hairy arse. They are too good for his putrefying orifices.

Mr Bastard: Ah I see. Is he not popular north of the border then?

Tazeen: Thank you, Miss!

Emerson: I saw it in my circus days and I remember Rula appearing in a episode. I assume that's when Waterman started squiring her.

Polly: Haha! You can't make a statement like that without being asked to elaborate, Polly! Does that mean you prefer a man with a smooth, well-oiled chest, rather than a Sean Connery?

Nothingman: Thank you, my friend. I feel sorry for the parents of a Pope. They get no official recognition and are usually dead by the time their son has climbed the holy pole.

Kyknoord: So would I, but crushed bananas are still edible.

Sarah: It can be pretty humiliating to be bootie-wiggled, Sarah. It's the sideways motion that does it.
Ah, the pope should be lauded for his recent attempts to stamp out arcane superstitions and primitive belief in magical spirits by Angolans. Catholicism is far more sensible . . .
I think read Postmodernism and Gender Relations in Feminist Theory a couple years ago. If it's the book I'm thinking of, then I highly recommend it. The lesbian finger-bang scene in chapter eleven was pretty hot.
Im afraid that over the course of history, the Roman Catholic church has been far too involved in various types of genocide for me to have any truck with the opinions of their leader with regard to birth control.
It looks like Charles 11 with man boobs.
With all the latest revelations I'm bracing myself for the news that you are not a gorilla.
GB: a touch unsettling, maybe.
The first lady of Cameroon is a Man. Baby! Ana is right!
Yeah, the Pope is the guy you wanna get your sex advice from.
As far as the witch thing goes, what would the catholic church do with a women with power? I say this all of course with love. I got nothing but love here. Careful, safe, love.
The Jules: I have to admit the Catholics have better clothes. Robes of black or white and a great collection on funny hats.

Captain: I'm going to have to read it now. Thanks for giving me the chapter with the dike action.

Mrs Cake: Fair enough, Mrs Cake, although the thing about genocide was that everyone was at it. It was a bit like unprotected sex.

Pi: The Pope looks like Charles II? Now that you mention it, I can see the resemblance. Perhaps they are related.

Sarah: Yeah, and I'd like to touch it!

Beverly: I can feel your love, Baby, it washes over me like a warm moist breeze. I think you should get into the witch scene, you could teach them some groovy dance moves.
There is nothing wrong with having a bad hair cut. What the first lady of Cameroon needs is a good coiffure and the Pope a good brain wash.

By the way, some witches are good. They just don't show it.
Good post,
Hair Stylist
" I would describe those I knew as boisterous ladies with an aptitude for handicrafts, herbal medicine and naked outdoor dancing."

Since I qualify, I shall take up my broomstick and fly over your parts at the next Full Moon, Mr B. x
Talking of First Ladies, WHERE IS CARLA? Conspicuously absent from the London gathering. Not afraid of being upstaged by Mrs Obama, surely? I don't think the Queen asked Carla to keep in touch. She's obviously throwing a French hissy-fit.
That's it and who is that lady to his right - our left?
"Does that mean you prefer a man with a smooth, well-oiled chest, rather than a Sean Connery?"

Smooth chest is preferred by us women of the North, dear GB, bear that in mind before you venture out of Africa... but I would never say no to Sean Connery
"I promised to study it carefully."

Somehow, Cow thinks Gorilla has much better uses for his time! :)

Hair Stylist: Only God is allowed to wash the Pope's brain. He knows where all the dirt is.

Kitty: I actually thought of you when I mentioned handicrafts and herbal remedies. I didn't realise you were into naked dancing though.

Lady Daphne: It didn't take long for that marriage to hit the rocks. Carla is a fairweather wife.

Ashes: The first lady of Cameroon.

Polly: Is that so, Polly? Perhaps women of the north acquire a taste for hairy chests as they mature. I sense that you are still young.

Ms Cow: Yes indeed, Ms Cow, but one must be polite when accepting a gift.
I'm not that keen on the Brazilian style.

I really can't please all the people all the time... I'll get a merkin...
GB: you cheeky great ape!
Bibbidy, Bobbidy, Boo, Baby!
i have an opposition to condoms, but only for subjective reasons.
The woman with the hair looks like Chas 2. Silly!
Dear God, is that really the first lady of Cameroon? Talk about big hair! And those eyes, too -- I may have nightmares tonight!

The pope ought to be ashamed of himself for airing his antiquated views on condoms. Honestly, he needs a mega-sized dose of common sense.
GB, he's not popular anywhere apart from the money makers club at the Vatican.

And yes.. I am a catlick.
Scarlet: I'd be happy if you pleased me some of the time, Miss Scarlet.

Sarah: I'll let you touch mine as well, Sarah.

Beverly: We ought to do a scat duet.

Kara: That's very interesting. I'm glad you're in a monogamous relationship.

Pi: Ah yes! She must be a cousin of the Pope's.

Mary: I wouldn't be surprised if people were making offerings to her.

Mr Bastard: It's about time there was a Scottish Pope. Are there any Celtic supporters in the Vatican?
Visiting from Hoodchick's...and enjoying myself immensely!
It's good to see a priminent Gorilla take a stand for safe sex, 'cause I've heard that your species is largely infected with a virus closely related to HIV, called SIVgor.
Apparently, it all started with those dirty chimpanzees. They first gave it to your lot, and then you guys gave it to my people.
Banana condoms...yummy.
WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!!! Who in holy lucifer's name is that big-haired woman (??????) next to him???????? Please blog about her!!!!
Jeane: Hello and welcome Jeane, that's good to hear!

Deborah: That sounds a little unlikely, Deb. There are a few gorillas who'll shag chimps, but I've never heard one who lusted after a human.

Fox: I'll mail one to you, Ms Fox.

Sabrina: Her name is Chantal Biya, Saby, and she's the first lady of Cameroon. I don't really know more about her than that.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin