Monday, December 29, 2008

Reach for the sky

Dr Whipsnade’s chauffeur once tried to tease me about the final scene of that abominable movie King Kong.

“A gorilla climbing up the Empire State Building!” he jeered. “Very Freudian! Do you think it was penis envy, GB?”

“My dear fellow,” I replied, “the author of the screenplay was a man, not a gorilla. I suggest you delve into your own subconscious for the symbolism of that peculiar event.”

“Are you saying we have an unconscious desire for a gorilla to climb up our cocks?”

“Probably not as a rule, although most things are possible in human sexual fantasies. You are forgetting, however, that the building was quickly surrounded by warplanes, which the ape did his best to swat away. They were obviously the dreaded agents of a powerful castration complex.”

“But I don’t see how the gorilla fits into it.”

“It’s quite simple. The human male is terrified of mating in the open air, fearing that his penis will be bitten by mosquitoes or other flying insects. He imagines, therefore, that a benevolent gorilla (possibly a father figure) will defend his organ from their attacks.”

“You mean King Kong took all those bullets to save our dicks from harm? He’s even more noble than I thought!”

“Indeed, although this would never happen in real life. We gorillas have better things to do than protect a man’s penis. If you ever tried to satisfy your lust in the jungle, either with a willing partner or more probably through self abuse, there’s not a gorilla in Africa that would guard your groin. Your todger would have to fend for itself.”

“I’ll bear that in mind the next time I’m having sex in the jungle!”

I smiled at the man and pointed at Dr Whipsnade’s niece, who was waiting in the hallway to be driven to a social function. I might have added that an insect in search of a quick snack would have no particular reason to home in on a man’s private parts – there are plenty of other appetising targets on his body. But it wasn’t my job to deal with a chauffeur’s irrational psychosexual fears. The shrink must eat, just like the mosquito, and should not be deprived of an honest living.

I thought of the above conversation on learning that the Russians are planning to build the
tallest skyscraper in Europe, news which prompted me to scratch my chin in puzzlement. Isn’t the point of tall buildings to make the best use of scarce land in cramped conditions? Mother Russia is surely the one country on Earth where floor space is not an issue. One suspects this tower is intended to be a defiant virility symbol, signalling to the world that the Russian nation can still get it up.

It all seems rather vulgar and nouveau riche in a country famed for its suffering masses. Perhaps a more fitting monument would be a giant sphere made of candy for children and pensioners to lick. They could call it “Hitler’s Missing Ball” as an ironic reference to the Nazi dictator, whose remains are scattered in laboratories throughout Russia.

The problem with all these skyscrapers is that they’ve gotten too tall. I appreciate a good vantage point as much as the next ape, but if everyone at ground level looks like an ant you can’t see what the devil is going on. That’s why I have always been an ardent admirer of the blimp. These great gas-filled tits are wonders of the modern world, and it amazes me that everyone is so blasé about them. People go to football matches and say “Oh, there’s a blimp” as if they’re looking at a camel having a shit.

Maybe I should acquire my own Bananas Blimp. As well as using it for sight-seeing, I would hire it out for mid-air parties and orgies. For an extra fee, I would let the revellers fly over golf courses to jeer and moon at the players below in their silly checked trousers. There’s no point towering above people unless you can make them feel small.

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Go for it, GB! I've always thought the blimp would make the ideal covert surveillance vehicle. As you say, pie-munching Cardiff fans just go "aye, ffycin balloon innit!" when they see one. Perhaps Bin Laden, being a Gunners afficionado, would think nothing of a blimp drifting down the Khyber. Until it blows up his khasi, that is.
You should go up-market and have a proper zeppelin, with dancing girls and a band in the gondola, just like in the movies.

I'd have thought you would have liked King Kong. Prior to 1933 all the Hollywood gorillas were nothing more than bad-tempered rugs.
I like the idea of the Bananas Blimp. Just be careful taunting those Druids at Stonehenge.

Best wishes to you in '09, GB.
If you want GB, I can decorate your banana blimp for you, nothin would give me more pleasure. Ooh, I wonder what colour tassles I would use.....
I think zeppelins are romantic (led or unled)
“You mean King Kong took all those bullets to save our dicks from harm? He’s even more noble than I thought!”

It'll take more than one Gorilla to save the all the dicks in the world Mr Bananas...
Zeppelins got rather bad press after Hindenburg but they are very romantic. The way things are going down here, the Banana Blimp could be like Noah's ark saving you and your harem from mankind's stupidity Mr B ...
If you had a blimp up in the air, I would definitely come and party on it Mr B. Especially if it was gaily decorated.
"The human male is terrified of mating in the open air, fearing that his penis will be bitten by mosquitoes or other flying insects" this must be a UK problem...doesn't seem to affect the men all...
i like the "hitler's missing ball" very appropriate and astute for a gorilla of your standing :)
Mr Boyo: Thank you for your encouragement. I don't think the Bananas Blimp would be stealthy enough for an assault against Bin Laden, but we could taunt him by painting provocative pictures on it.

Kevin: Maybe so, but King Kong was a bad-tempered rug who fell in love with a woman one hundredth his size. I'll look into the Zeppelin idea - I didn't realise they were materially different from blimps.

XL: And to you, friend. I believe those Druids are impostors who can safely be taunted. The real ones were silenced with Roman steel.

NuvaLostLamb: Very well, Ms Lamb, but don't overdo it. We gorillas have an image to protect.

Nursemyra: Weren't they dangerous because of the hydrogen, Nursie?

Scarlet: It certainly would, Miss Scarlet. I'd rather save your cute little behind.

Kate: I'd invite you up for a dreamy float above the scenic landscape, Kate. How good is your eyesight?

Lulu: I had you pegged for a party animal, Ms Labonne. I'd put you and Ms Lamb in charge of the decorations.

Daisy: Dogging is popular all over the world, Daisy. There are always men whose lust is greater than their fear. true...would they be so honest as your species they would get so much further with the women they try to deceive
Mr B , mating outside is indeed an irrational fear , as surely if one is doing it right , all delicate parts should be tucked away in a safe place for most of the time ???
It's the cheap paint on the outside that did for the Hindenberg. Which leads me to wonder what the gorilla equivalent of "oh the humanity" would be.
"Russians are planning to build the tallest skyscraper in Europe..."

I think Russia is suffering from 'Terrorist Envy'. They are making a target easy to they don't feel left out in the world.
~Kisses :)
There was more to King Kong than tumescence, GB, it was about KK and Fay Wray falling in love and... . Oh.
Why, nothing would give Cow more pleasure than to be mooned by a dirigible filled with drunken partying gorillas!

that's totally a business model i could get behind.

would it be available for weddings too? or just weddings that end in orgies?
Daisy: Well maybe they need lessons!

Beast: It seems you're not a great believer in foreplay, Beast!

Kevin: Something like 'Oh the apishness!'?

Mrs Cheeks: The Russians like to kill their terrorists when they're on the toilet, according to Mr Pootikins. They wouldn't get as far as a skycraper.

Inkspot: It was all that and more...but all of it piffle. Gorillas don't fall in love with women.

Topiary Cow: We'd happily do it on ground level, Ms Cow. And without being drunk too!

Kara: Are you getting hitched, Missy? Who's the lucky man?
That couple in Dubai were not too fussed about mating in the open air. And then the bloke had the cheek - after the Arabs let them go - to criticise the country for hypocrisy. That's what I call biting the hand that feeds you.

Someone in EastEnders the other day said Phil Mitchell was a talking gorilla. Is he a relative of yours?
Ruf never seems to have any inhibitions about mating in the open air... but then he's been likened to a gorilla on several occasions.

I shall look out for your dirigible over Essex next year, Mr Bananas, and don my most miniscule bikini to relax by the pool secure in the knowledge that you will be keeping me safe from any peeping toms :)
I don't think King Kong is simply about penis envy, it's also about having homosexual relations with gorillas. And that's how "man"kind got the AIDS.
re: your reply to my comment. danger=romance
Wow, wot a lot of ideas have come together in this post. Now, Led Zeppelin play a final farewell concert, in a zeppelin, which is shaped like Hilter's left testicle and painted (rather cheaply) with runic symbols, gently floating down the Kyber Pass, except that the words to Whole Lot Of Love played backwards sound like "I love Mohammed" as any fool kno. Osama then either declares that the West is OK after all or bombs West Bromwich (the holy city of heavy metal).
Mr Bananas Foreplay is a femenist diversion to confuse a chap. If God meant us to find the G spot it would be clearly sign posted
If you know any man with penis problem, you should send then on a chicken sexing course.
Lady Daphne: I don't know who Phil Mitchell is but he doesn't sound like a gorilla. People who use such epithets should be prosecuted for hate speech.

Mrs Cake: If I see you in your bikini, Mrs Cake, I shall blow my horn to warn off voyeurs!

Static: That's a lie, it was chimps who gave humans AIDS. No gorilla wants a man as his punk.

Nursemyra: Really Nursie? I must take you up a tall tree one day!

Gadjo: You left out the Russians: I sense you have ambivalent feelings about them. Well remembered that the left ball was missing!

Beast: Well some men are willing to rummage around for a while, but perhaps you're pushed for time with your hectic schedule.

Ms Bananasfk: Does that work for ALL penis problems? Including having one shaped like a boomerang?
There is a lot to be said for the helium filled breast implant.
I waited until I was in the privacy of my own home to read your latest entries; the last time I made the mistake of logging on in the staff room and some of my colleagues got the wrong idea about your blog. Minds in the gutter, every one of them.

Have a Happy New Year and please keep this blog going!
Weightwatchers will probably have a team of crack assassins stalking anybody who might go and invent helium-filled breast implants.

And Specsavers would have a team of crack assassins stalking Weightwatchers' assassins...
hells no. but knowing i was attending one in such a location, i'd be more inclined to go AND bring a gift AND not be surly.
["That's a lie, it was chimps who gave humans AIDS. No gorilla wants a man as his punk."]

Methinks thou dost protest too much. ;)
Turner Classic Movies is airing King Kong on New Year's Day. I can't wait to watch. I hope it's the unrated & uncut version that must surely exist. Let's just say there's a scene where Fay Wray climbs up Kong's skyscraper, if you know what I mean.
I rarely ever see blimps! So when I ever do, I am amazed because they're pretty awesome.
God, one day we'll have buildings all the way to planet Mars. What's the point of building another "record breaking" skyscraper?
I do not recall ever seeing a movie called "King Kong" - are you sure you are not confusing this with the game "Ping Pong" which was invented by the esteemed Mayor of London, Dr. Johnson...

I do in fact own a dirigible as we afficiandos like to call them...
Tickersoid: Is any of it good? The risk of deflation must be a worry.

Mary: Thank you, Mary. Your colleagues probably search the blog for dirty words rather than studying the posts in their entirety.

Kevin: Do you know how to calculate the upthrust from helium-filled breasts? You may assume helium weighs 28% as much as air.

Kara: Wouldn't everyone be disappointed if you weren't your surly self? I would. Anyway, I hope you get lots of suitors in 2009. I like the idea of men asking you to marry them. It makes me smile.

Static: Even the chimpanzee thing is just a rumour, no one actually saw it.

Chris: Very obliging of her, but I assure you it's not a common gorilla fantasy.

Secret Agent: I hope you get the chance to go up in a blimp, they're much better than skyscrapers.

Mutley: I'm very glad you haven't seen it, Mutley, it would only put silly ideas into your head. Didn't the mayor say that 'ping pong' is a Chinese name for something invented in England?
GB Darling...Thank you for your kindness.
Happy New Year to you my sweet. :)
Happy New Year, Mr. Bananas. :)
May your blimp fly high all year
all the best for 2009
Happy New Year, my dear friend!

May you be blessed with much happiness and many joys in 2009!

May the world be blessed with Peace & Justice in 2009!
Mrs Cheeks: Thank you, dear lady, your affection is balm to my soul.

Princess Stefania: And to you, Princess.

Lulu: Thank you Madame Labonne, I shall watch you from the clouds.

Saintly Nick: Amen, Saintly Nick, may you share in that peace yourself.
Hahahahahahaha. That was such a brillaintly funny post usual. Thanks for the laugh...really needed it :)
The rumor about the chimp and the gorilla is just that too.
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