Friday, October 17, 2008


A marine biologist asks me whether gorillas indulge in cross-dressing. I eye him warily. A lot of these underwater boffins are kinky devils, gliding beneath the waves in their rubber suits so they can touch up unsuspecting turtles.

“We gorillas only wear clothes on special occasions,” I reply. “In a few days time we shall celebrate the anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar in Royal Navy uniforms. The females will technically be in drag, but don’t even think about getting into that scene. They’d dress you up as a French cabin boy and subject your bottom to the grossest indecencies.”

“Erm…that’s very interesting,” he mumbles. “The reason I ask is because male octopi sometimes disguise themselves as females as a mating strategy.”

“Why would that be of any help?” I ask. “Even if the female octopi were sapphists they’d soon smell a rat. You can only fool all of the females with some of your parts.”

“Well that’s not really the point,” he explains. “The weaker males pretend to be females so they can approach the real females without being attacked by the dominant males.”

“Now I get you! They use camouflage to sneak past the escorting vessels so they can fire their torpedoes at close range! An ingenious tactical manoeuvre, but not feasible in primate society. Female apes don’t mate with transvestites. If Danny La Rue had been a gorilla he would never have got laid.”

The deep-sea detective scratches his chin and nods, referring me to a
newspaper article before retiring for the night.

It seems that octopi are much cleverer than I thought, but I still don’t like them: they are mean, sulky creatures, who hide in crevices and squirt you with ink if you accidentally tread on their toes. The villainous Ernst Blofeld should have been stroking a pet octopus rather than a white cat. How odd that the only woman over 40 that James Bond ever bedded called herself ‘Octopussy’ and made the critter the symbol of her all-girl kick-boxing club. If memory serves, one of the bad guys got a face full of sucking octopus when he shattered the indoor aquarium. Sex maniacs, the lot of them.

Yet no amount of enmity would ever persuade me to eat an octopus. Along with serpent and swine, its flesh is forbidden to gorillas. The practice of devouring one’s foes is a nauseating habit invented by chimpanzees and copied by primitive humans. There is a pit somewhere in New Mexico containing the bones of butchered humans. When it was discovered, fossilised human turds were found on top of the remains. “Kill your enemies, eat their flesh and shit on their bones” was apparently the motto of those prehistoric savages. It took many millennia before humans learned to give their fallen foes a decent burial, as we gorillas have always done.

Of course, the use of deadly force is very rare in gorilla society, partly because it conflicts with our pacifist beliefs, but also because of the extensive range of non-lethal techniques we’ve developed. Nothing will ever beat climbing a tree and dropping a coconut on an intruder’s bonce – it’s the most insouciant method of incapacitation ever devised. Humans, meanwhile, are still experimenting with dubious innovations involving
sausages-coshes and spice-rubs. It’s the mark of a species driven by malice rather than economy of effort.

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As ever you are the voice of experience Mr Bananas. Nothing like a fresh young coconut to take you unawares - a brief stop over in the Andaman pre-tsunami, and they had hand-painted warning signs nailed to every palm tree. Far deadlier than men in beanies and merkins wielding wieners.
Cow is frightened by these pictures.

Very frightened. Yet, somehow amused.

Wow. Do gorillas keep kosher? I mean, who did the forbidding (of octopuses/poi etc.)?
“Kill your enemies, eat their flesh”
Now this has been known to make me fart . . . oh, sorry , new post . . .
Mr Bananas , octopus is very chewy
Sholem aleykhem, Mr GB. Ess a bisel eppis, tatelleh, as my dear old grandfather would say.

He also once pleaded with my mother to "at least try to keep Christmas kosher". God knows, we did our best.
Kate: Ah what a tropical paradise those islands were! Enough palm trees to justify wearing a crash helmet.

Topiary Cow: Which one do you prefer? The woman is better armed but the man is better provisioned.

Inkspot: Our dietary laws have evolved through consensus rather than being foisted on us by a bossy deity.

Scarlet: I can't believe you would kill your enemies, Miss Scarlet. Surely you would use your seductive charms to persuade them to change sides.

Beast: That must be why we don't eat it. Who wants to masticate like a cow?

Mrs Pouncer: Thank you Mrs Pouncer, wa alaikum salaam. Athough we gorillas shun monotheistic religions on the grounds that the deity humans worship is a grumpy old bugger.
My first experience of octopus was on the final night of a visit to Venice. I still can't decide whether it was the deep fried calamari or the copious amounts of rather vinegar-like white wine that were responsible for the wheels touching down at Heathrow and me throwing off my seatbelt to the consternation of the stewardesses and, as the aircraft finished its landing and taxied to the unloading area, legging it to the facilities, barging them out of the way in an attempt to make it to a suitable receptacle before I barfed.

I had no idea that an octopus effectively mated for life. How disappointing to discover that your only hatchlings had a 'weaker male' for a father. But on the plus side, at least they got a longer shag :)

As to some of these new food-based weapons, I suspect that the practice drills for these types of kobudo might be more forgiving than the ones using sticks, nunchaku and knuckledusters. And, of course, they are more likely to be to hand should the need arise. I foresee a whole new section of 'reality-based' martial arts classes :)
Again, proving that gorillas are infinitely superior.

For shits and giggles I once went trekking in a jungle escorted by a petite Guatemalean man who had a handlebar moustache, a nasty squint and a shotgun. As if that wasn't frightening enough, we disturbed a troupe of howler monkeys who promptly crapped all over us from the treetops in a bid to frighten us off. Primitive but I suppose effective.

J x
didn't keith richards have a near fatal run in with a coconut a couple of years ago?
On second thoughts, that bloke in your pic wasn't always a full-time kosher sausage-cosher; he's just demonstrating the belt that used to fit him. Before he coshed kosher sausages full-time.
From the article at Times Online:

"they disguise themselves as females, changing the patterns on their body and swimming in a more feminine manner,..."

Presumably they did the breast stroke? ;-)

I'm a bit slow . . . I've just noticed the sausage . . .
Mrs Cake: I grow even gladder that I've never tasted octopus. The role of food in hand-to-hand combat is to humiliate your adversary. Dipping your hands in a marinade and shampooing your opponent's head is a good one.

Jade: Yes, monkeys have that ability to shit on cue, as I know to my cost. Your guide sounds like a novice. You'd have penetrated much deeper with a gorilla leading the way.

Nursemyra: He did get a bump on the head, didn't he? I doubt it had any adverse effect on his lucidity.

Inkspot: Is that a tongue-twister? I'd guess that man has just eaten his wife and made a sausage from the left-overs.

Kitty: Sadly female octopi have no breasts. I should imagine that when they swim they stop every 5 minutes to do a bit of window shopping.

Scarlet: It's a fine specimen, Miss Scarlet, but not for your dainty mouth.
I'm a kosher sausage-cosher,
And a sausage-cosher's kosher son,
So I'll keep coshing kosher sausages
Till the sausage-coshing's done.

It is now.
I bet you thought I was going to mention that Hokusai picture again, GB. Instead, your exchange of greetings with Mrs Pouncer reminded me of an incident many years ago when I was sitting at a cafe table in Paris, wearing my beret and black turtleneck (no relation) and smoking a Gauloise. The Jewish man at the next table had been regaling my friends and I with jolly tales. When he got up to leave he walked across to our Algerian friend, looked him deep in the eyes, took both hands in his and said "Salaam". Our Islamic friend, not a little surprised and frankly baffled, replied, politely, "Shalom". The man walked off into the sunset. None of us recognized him, being nowhere near as cultured as we liked to make out. It was only a week or so later I saw a short feature on him on the telly. I don't admit that to everyone.
Octopussy ,With multiple arms directly connected with the head And a nerve center around the oesophagus , when she scratches itself the head she bites itself with her folded beak and this grows back ! But she does not shout she is deaf and dumb !
Taste buds until under its arms ,the third dorsal arm "hectocotyle"like sex ! We finish by asked where is the anus ?

Phew! As said it...Lamarck then Darwin we come down from the monkey !With two arms two legs and a hole of ...? Of... of memory !
GB, I wouldn't mind either way as long as shit didn't get everywhere like last time....
I quite like octopuses, they always had a jolly time of it in the comics: swabbing the decks, frying a pan of sausages and playing a hornpipe on the accordion for the delight of the crew of "The Queen of the Seas."

Marine biologists are a funny lot, given to strong drink and funny women.
I think a prize winning leek would also make an excellent cosh. I agree with your musings on marine biologists. I know a lady in this profession who is suitably prone to the unusual
Inkspot: All it needs is a tune. Shall we ask Andrew Lloyd Webber to write it?

Lady Daphne: Nice story, but I wouldn't have liked him making assumptions about my religion. We gorillas are with the Hairy Krishnas.

Crabtree: Your knowledge of octopus anatomy astounds me! Have you cohabited with one of these creatures?

Jade: We'd steer a careful course through the shit-storm.

Kevin: Yes, the cartoon versions are good fun if you catch them in the right mood. If only life were a cartoon in which we could bounce back into shape after being squashed as flat as a pancake.

Mosha: God bless the woman for her sense of adventure!
Yes !! My professor of anatomy ,of which it "poulpe" was weak
Octopi don't squirt ink. I thought only squid did that.
Either way, both of those taste pretty good. Well, it's chewy and sometimes stringy...and I guess the sauce the make the dishes in taste good. The octopi and squid itself taste bland. I also love calamari.
depending on if you eat it raw or cooked it can be a rather pleasurable treat...i never thought so till i lived in Japan and have never had it fixed as expertly since...
It's years since I heard 'bonce' whither comes it?
I always prefer to take a dump upon my enemies after I've killed and eaten them. Especially if they are into that octopus fetish stuff. Damn pre-verts.
Danny La Rue looks to me like the type of fellow who might well have quite a hairy back though.

I remembered your Yehudi story, Daphs. It's a cool one.
I just learnt a new word (sapphist - and I think my uni doesn't know the word either, 'cos the porn site it linked to wasn't blocked!) - I feel enlightened, lol ;-)

Enjoyed that article immensely - and now have a newfound admiration for the octopus, esp the guarders.... possibly, in our world, guarders is the equivalent of the family man, a bit like the alpha gorilla...
Crabtree: May your "poulpe" find strength, Sir!

Secret Agent: I'm afraid they do squirt ink. The squids that squirt might be octopi in disguise.

Daisy: Is it better than sea-horse? I wouldn't eat either.

Pi: 'Bonce' must be related to the word 'Bonze', given that Bonzes have bald heads.

Static: That octopus-eating woman is a fake. I know rubber covered in spaghetti sauce when I see it.

Sam: Who knows? He never wore a bikini. I suppose he didn't have the figure for it.

Eve: Hello Eve. They are a bit like alpha gorillas, aren't they? Except we don't have as many arms.
Interesting indeed. I started to rate octopuses when I heard that they've got 9 brains - one in each leg and one somewhere else, can't remember where. (Is that right??) But then I saw one in an aquarium and it was hanging on the side of the tank looking like a discarded Tesco's (Walmart, in the US) plastic bag; and I thought, yeah, I could do that and I've only got 1 brain, possibly. Good trick with the transvestite camouflage though.
See i would make a useless burglar cos i would actually use the spices to make something tasty with the sausage, instaed of using it to my advantage :p
my goddamn comment didn't save. i hate it when that happens. what i SAID was:

It seems that octopi are much cleverer than I thought, but I still don’t like them: they are mean, sulky creatures, who hide in crevices and squirt you with ink if you accidentally tread on their toes.

these are my exact thoughts on old people. it's like we share a brain, you and i.
The octopi's ability to mimic, camoufaluge, blend-in to surrounding in order to reduce aggressive confrontations and engage in intamacy is a rather appealing talent.
Gadjo: The one you saw in the aquarium must have been depressed, possibly because it was dying. They have very short lifespans.

Sabrina: Are you a good cook, Saby? I bet you are. I'd like to watch you sizzle those spices in a pan of oil. Preferably nekkid.

Kara: I'd like to share your brain, Missy. I'd make you behave like a girl guide, helping the old folks with their shopping and playing games with the kiddies. It would kill you.

Wendy: Yes, it reminds me of the men who pretend to be gay to seduce women. I wonder if that trick still works.
The Squid takes a more direct approach, attempting to act like a friend with the females of its species. Unfortunately, cupid never strikes, and the ladies always say, "I think of you like a brother."

Distraught, the male squids will inevitably latch onto a nearby submarine for a hug.
So, should I disguise myself as a submarine?
Only if you want to be hugged by a squid, Miss Scarlet. Damn those frigid female squids!
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