Friday, September 19, 2008

The German question

An overweight English tourist recently claimed that Boris Becker and Steffi Graf were once an item. Can you remember that? I have no recollection of any such liaison. I suspect the man imagined they must have got it on because they were both German. It reminds me of that episode of Star Trek where a Vulcan chick boards the Enterprise and everyone assumes that Spock’s ears will start quivering with lust. They never did, of course, and those who reason in this fashion are guilty of an exceedingly crass type of generalisation.

I’ve actually got a lot of respect for Becker. As well as being a great Wimbledon champion, he had the most pickable nose of any player who graced the centre court. I reckon he could have scooped it out with a teaspoon rather than soiling his fingers. A lot of people can’t get past the fact that he impregnated a woman in a restaurant. The important thing, surely, is that he acknowledged the child as his own rather than denying everything and hiding in New Zealand. By all accounts, he has participated in the girl’s upbringing as well as coughing up the required cash. You have to respect a fellow who manfully accepts the consequences of giving a woman the most thrilling two minutes of her life.

I should mention here that human babies have been conceived in far stranger circumstances. In the circus I worked for there was a husband-and-wife team who performed on the trampoline. In their last season together, they resolved to make a baby while bouncing up and down together on the apparatus of their trade. Obviously not during a show – we gave them an hour alone inside the big tent before it was dismantled for the next venue. I agreed to stand at the entrance to discourage peeping toms. Although it took them a while to get into position, the deed was somehow done, and the pregnancy was confirmed a few weeks later. I believe they named their son Zebedee.

The other interesting thing about Becker’s reproductive activities is his preference for sultry mulatto women. For a ginger-haired Teuton, this shows excellent judgement. The last thing any child needs is a double-helping of the albino gene, resulting in skin that would melt in the sunlight. It also proves that Boris has no sympathy whatever for the abominable racial theories of his grandparents’ generation, in which we apes were offensively dragged into the argument. Speaking against evil is good, but showing you are against it in the way you live your life is even better.

The Germans have come a long way since the dark days of World War Two. They no longer hero-worship madmen and are much less boastful about their sausages. They do still retain the twin obsessions of outdoor exercise and nudity (a legacy of their resistance to the Roman Empire) but are now seeking to subject these pastimes to proper oversight. One who has fallen foul of the new regulations is a naked hiker who
went to prison rather than pay a fine for indecent exposure. Although the man is clearly bonkers, I applaud his defiant stand against authority. If more Germans had done that in 1933, Herr Hitler might have had egg on his face a good deal sooner than he did.

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But...but...their sausages really *are* that good!
Hermann Goering spent the entirity of the Second World War in the nude. All those medals were tattooed on by a little man in Dresden. Bomber Harris singled the town out for destruction thinking that Goering's not being able to add to his tally, and perhaps get some epaulettes, would be a fatal blow to Nai morale.
COnceived on a trampoline, eh? Shoulda named the kid "Boing" or "Vikan".

I was hoping for more commentary on Ms. Graf. Isn't she still married to that bald-yet-furry American tennis player Andre Agassi?
Again, my dear Mr. Bananas, you have informed me of items I did not know nor even desired to know. Thank you, sir.

I have one question about your suggestion concerning what Germans could have done in 1933 regarding Herr Hitler: would that have been going to jail or hiking about nude?
"An overweight English tourist recently claimed that if more Germans had done that in 1933, Herr Hitler might have had egg on his face a good deal sooner than he did."

Make omelets?
Boris Becker also had a pretty good sense of humour when he appeared on Jonathan Ross, as I recall. I sincerely that those Watson and Oliver girls are famous over there in UK-land, as they're really good!
I used to adore Boris. I remember watching him at Wimbledon in the '80s. Those legs looked like they could really give you a good squeeze.
"It reminds me of that episode of Star Trek where a Vulcan chick boards the Enterprise and everyone assumes that Spock’s ears will start quivering with lust. They never did, of course" . . . I think the vulcan chick may have been his 5,000 year old Mum? And Vulcans only get horny once every 30years or something . . .
You know i seriously don't know what's the big deal with people going around naked. I wish they would legalize it here cos it is just soo blooming hot!!!!

I am going to run my own country where people can be nude all they want!

I would love to have you as our Sex Guru, Mr Bananas
Red Squirrel: There is no excuse for boasting, even if they bring bliss to the palate of a gourmet

Kevin: It's often blubbery whales like Goering who like to expose themselves. They should have hanged him.

Baba Doodlius: Yes, she did strangely prefer Agassi to Becker. It's a pity you never got to see Zebedee in action.

Saintly Nick: Not even the Nazis dared to suppress the German nudists. Had they united in anger they would have brought Hitler to his knees.

Gadjo: He seems very good-humoured about all the bonking he's done. I'm sure he would enjoy that sketch.

Ms Dgny: He had sturdy legs alright, but what did you think of his nose?

Scarlet: Good point, Miss Scarlet, the Vulcan male is only horny during 'Pon Far'! I never realised you were such an authority on Vulcan mating habits.

Sabrina: If I ever establish a nudist camp, I'll make you the madam-in-chief. You'll have the right to squeeze any butt that takes your fancy.
Your story of the trampolinists puts me in mind of the "Trojan Games" commercials.
Anyone over 18 can go and refresh their memory -
very funny!
I love that neck vein that boris is sporting - neck veins make me salivate :-)
"I applaud his defiant stand against authority"

I wonder, when in Court, whether he stood firm, GB?

I too admire Boris Becker for his ready acceptance of his responsibilities. He talked the talk (in the cupboard in the restaurant) and is now walking the walk. What better example can one give a child in how to be a good human being? Though I guess his sons from his marriage might take a slightly different view. Still, no point crying over spilt ...erm, milk. Eh?

Your memory doesn't fail. Becker and Graff were never an "item." Once on German TV, Graff suggested that the two of them team up for mixed doubles, but she was clearly referring to a charity tennis tournament. A shame how rumors get started.

who manfully accepts the consequences of giving a woman the most thrilling two minutes of her life.
I think you'll find it was five seconds so I doubt she got much out of it. Still, as you say, kudos to him for taking responsibility. He is a rare bird indeed, a german with a sense of humor who said of the 'incident' in the broom cupboard with Angela Ermakova that it was, "the most expensive five seconds of my life".
Steffi hardly takes second place to Boris in the honker sweepstakes. When she inhales, Boris' ears pop ... and that, GB, is why they were never able to achieve itemhood status.
Was ist den los? Habts du vielliecht eine bischen irrtum daruber? Meine freund Boris hatte eine grosse pimmel so man sagt!
I'm not sure the German character is that much less self-regarding, these days. It's just that there is less need to brag and proclaim one's knockvurst so proudly. With the increase in nudity, Germans need only let their sausages speak for themselves.
Baroness Black: I did not examine your link for fear of being scandalised.

Nursemyra: I am sure he has others which throb harder.

Kitty: He is an example to all errant fathers. Blood is thicker than milk.

Randall: I thought as much, although we can't rule out a quick fumble.

Emma: I was allowing for the time it took to drop his pants and take aim.

Cooper Green: Hers is a very different shape though: Concorde rather than a 747.

Mutley: I don't believe you, you silly boaster.

Sam: But are they really that impressive? I've got a feeling that German men rather enjoy being humiliated.
Regarding Sam's comment, I'm reminded of a joke which, alas, requires a visual image of a thumb and index finger held 5 centimeters apart, to wit: Why are German woman such bad judges of distance? Answer: Because they've been told "This" [hold up visual aid] is eight inches.

GB, I'm a fan of the nose. I'm a fan of strong noses - they're the foundation of a strong face. No namby-pamby faces for me, I like a man who looks like a man, not a girl.
I like a man who does manly things; he wears trousers and can put up shelves.
My grandparents were German, arriving in this country during darker days, and so I am uniquely placed to comment on the national character. It also explains my obvious facility with the language.
My grandfather was a lovable old tyrant, who extracted many promises from us. One was always to marry for money; the other, to treat ones body as a temple. I have rigorously stuck to both.
Last night, I dined at the Fat Duck with the German CEO of a pharmaceutical company. He displayed two of his countrymen's foremost traits: chivalry and condescension. Helping me to Snail Porridge, he then explained why I should taste his leather jus. We finished with an egg and bacon sorbet.
Dear Mr. Pouncer,
Well, makes me wonder!!! I thought Brits, were famously known for their rich "repertoire" of usually sweet courses. This one is new for me: Egg and Bacon sorbet, Yuck!. Was it tasty, though???

Your most humble believer
"throb harder"........ *swoon*
I worry that Mrs. Pouncer may have compromised her honour had she partaken of the Roquette en Azote Liquide.
Im glad Sabrina is here to keep a check on your inaccuracies about Vulcan copulation. Amok Time was one of the more disturbing Star Trek episodes.
As for Steffi, I have never forgiven her for stealing away Andre Agassi! *Sniffs disconsolately*
I cannot imagine why I provoke such incontinent responses. Kevin, I regard you as a stalwart friend and I am alarmed that you should question my honour. Perhaps my friendship with Freddie Starr has unseated you. Anonymous, you seem to be addressing my husband. Mr Pouncer has sensitive teeth and as such forsook the savoury sorbet. He sat in the garden with a superior cigar and a Lithuanian plongeuse.
Randall: I thought they were on the metric system. They seem rather gullible in any event.

Ms Dgny: Becker's nose is rather blunt though. Wouldn't you prefer to be nuzzled by a long pointy one?

Scarlet: The shelves I can do for you, Miss Scarlet. But I look much better without trousers.

Mrs Pouncer: You went beyond the requirements of civility in tasting such appalling dishes.

Nursemyra: You'd be a fair match for the biggest vein, Nursie.

Kevin: You should know better than to expect Mrs Pouncer to kiss-and-tell.

Mrs Cake: I think you've confused Sabrina and Scarlet, Mrs Cake, but did you really fancy Agassi? I can't imagine him in 'Pon far'.
Mr Bananas as ever you speak the truth - actions speak louder than words. Brilliant, potent, broad of nostril and mind - what is not to admire about Becker (or Gorillas for that matter).
You're right, my mistake and apologies to the ladies in question. I am spending the weekend with Ruf so my braincell has been scrambled. I think Agassi was more of an antidote to Pon far. Trust me, Ruf would give Spock a run for his money :)
I have no memory that sir "Boom-boom" Had such a relation ? Or then short of lapel(backhand) !
It is a gentleman this sir.

How a couple he can conceive a child on a trampoline ? Sir has to have one of it elastic(rubber band) !
But even elastic I is afraid of the return in full face of what to return to you ...Deaf person or worse still ...Blind person!

Their son Zébédée !!! Why not ZIG ou ZAG ?

Let ! Net !
Fair enough, GB, a narrow ridge offers a stronger accent.
Are you saying that the pale and interesting should mate with strapping African stock in order to save humanity, GB? Linford Christie should be given a medal then.
Kate: Thank you, dear lady. Gorillas are quite different from Mr Becker, but it's nice to know you appreciate our particular qualities to a comparable degree.

Mrs Cake: I suspect you have put Ruf in a permanent state of Pon far, Mrs Cake. I hope the poor fellow doesn't end up like a salmon after spawning.

Crabtree: With skill, many thing are possible on a trampoline. And Zebedee is better known outside of France.

Ms Dgny: Alan Rickman has one that many ladies admire.

Lady Daphne: I think Linford's already had more than his fair share, milady. White girls should spread it around more.
Last time I defied authority and went for a streak . . . nobody stopped me . . . but I was offered a sausage.
Zebedee is in fact French. He was known as Zébulon in the original Manège Enchanté.
As always, GB is a fount of information and observation...

(Cow wandering off in search of naked hikers to befriend)

Scarlet: Are you telling porkies, Miss Scarlet, or is that the naked truth?

Lady Daphne: I knew he was French, but didn't realise they'd changed his names.

Ms Cow: Be selective in your choice of hiker, Ms Cow!
I thought Spock's mum was human....
ANyway I like pink weeners....for obvious reasons
Food for thought.

Surprising the hiker wasn't embarrassed.
Our Boris always looks like an overstuffed bratwurst , there sems to be too much of the blighter squeezed inside that skin .
Love it - I just came upon your blog after you left a comment on mine. Very entertaining, even though there's no comfy sofa :)
Hello ... Today 9-23-8 is Lord Likely's birthday!
Ms Lamb: Is a wiener's colour really that important to an honest woman?

Tarf: I would have thought the German nudist is incapable of embarrassment.

Beast: Is that Johnson or Becker? True of both, probably.

Pretty Face: Hello Miss Pretty Face! Glad you enjoyed it.

Theresa: A happy birthday to the noble swordsman!
...just scrolled down from the latest entry and, um..yeah, that rosy, perky-cheeked bloke at the end tops the top photo, hands-down, so to speak. So I spoke too soon on my comment above as to which photo will most likely insinuate itself in my REM sleep sleeping with one eye open ...'night ~_0
p.s. -- re Mr. Becker: remember him from tennis matches on the teevee as a wee teen lass as that unfortunate-looking redhead Deutsche mann, but later on read that he was quite the bed-hopping, model-collecting, paternity-suit-magnet mofo...soo, oh never mind, now I'll be dreaming of HIS peachy butt cheeks sheesh 'night!
Mr Becker has a great sense of humour, but he seems to be in quite a hurry when he gets a lady up against a wall. I suppose you can't have everything...
You've got far to many comments for me to check whether this has already been said...but have you appreciated that Becker's spell in a broom cupboard was in a restaurant called Nob-u Lx
We did not know that, L. You have uncovered the ultimate irony.
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