Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Chelsea flower show

I was reminded of the fable of The Ugly Ducking when I saw footage of Chelsea Clinton the other day. Who would have thought that the geeky teenager who sharpened her pencils on the White House lawn would blossom into such a foxy chick! Well, perhaps more squirrelly than foxy, but you know what I mean. I have Chelsea to thank for an amusing incident that occurred shortly after I returned to the jungle in ’97. I practically chortled my head off when a chimpanzee asked me why the American president had named his daughter after an English football club.

“You ruddy fool!” I guffawed. “She’s not named after a football team, but a trendy London neighbourhood famed for its conceited, nouveau riche residents!”

I later warned the chimpanzee to stay clear of the place, if he ever visited London, to avoid having his picture taken with D-list celebrities. These desperate people will stop at nothing to appear better connected and more intelligent than they actually are.

By all accounts, Miss Clinton is giving bravura performances across the prairies and cornfields of America, in a valiant effort to rescue the faltering presidential bid of her ambitious, steely-eyed mother. I’m sure she’s a natural at the art of working crowds, much as her old pappy used to be. I only hope she isn’t giving the folks too much speechifying at the expense of pressing the flesh. As a girl who started ballet lessons at the age of four, she must be capable of some wonderful stunts in a leotard. Being an intelligent woman doesn’t mean people won't admire your tight little tush. “If you’ve got it, flaunt it!” as a famous orang-utan once said.

Will Chelsea ever run for office herself? I don’t see why not. She’s clearly a chip off the old block who knows how to pull strings and inspire the voters. A lot of Americans are fearful of political dynasties, but a smart girl like Chelsea won’t repeat the mistakes of her wayward daddy. I very much doubt she’ll be tempted to let some keen young college boy give her oral pleasure in the Oval Office. And even if she did, she’d be smart enough not to get caught.

Picture the scene: President Chelsea is lying on her desk, sighing deeply with legs akimbo, having been slurped to satisfaction by a floppy-haired intern. She slides off the smooth, moist surface and pulls up her knickers, watching the young gallant comb his tousled hair. Her sharp eyes notice a wet patch on the young man’s collar and she instantly recognises the danger – that incriminating discharge would be catnip to the polecats of the political jungle.

“Hey Buster!” she calls out sharply. “Leave your shirt in the bathroom! You’re not leaving this place with my oyster sauce on your collar!”

The shirt is laundered and all traces of presidential DNA are removed.

The one thing Chelsea should do before entering politics is make up with Monica to show the world there’s room in her heart for forgiveness. Some thought Miss Lewinsky was an airhead and a hoochie for doing what she did, but I was never one of them. I’ve seen enough of humans in love to know that their hormones have staged a coup d’etat on their brains. Monica has suffered enough for her sins, and having Chelsea over for a slumber party would mean so much to her. As is written in holy scripture: And the wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the nymph shall lie down with the billy goat’s kid (Isaiah 11:6).

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I rather love this post and agree with you pretty much on everything. gosh, isn't that special?!

I never faulted Monica for doing what she did. Sex, lust and a cigar or two is everything that everyone wants in life. Right? ;)~

Yah, Chelsea was a lucky one.
To paraphrase Dante Alighieri in The Divine Comedy: "Abandon all hope, ye who enter her." The same could probably said for her mother.

I'm going to go and read the Good Book now, to absolve myself of fraternizing with the infidels.

You big apes do like to push the envelope, don't you?

Poor Chelsea has Bill's big chin, but at least her mother's shrill gene seems to have passed her by.

Given the preponderance of Bill over Hill in her make-up, a Monica slumber party sounds a distinct possibility.

In the highly unlikely event of Hillary getting to the White House by means other than marriage, she would be the first US president of significant Welsh descent.

The only American president with more Welsh blood was Jefferson Davis, but many Americans seem to have what Personnel Departments called "issues" when I mention him.
It's amazing how Chelsea's genes made that clash between half her mom's face and the heavy-bottomed half of Bill's work so well. AND she's not a frat-party-crashing lush like a certain couple of entitled twins....though frat-party-crashing does have its up-side ;)
I didn't hold it against Monica either - not in the way Bill did anyway. Linda Tripp was the snake in that story.

I like Chelsea. She has poise and grace under fire and she seems to do things for the campaign and the media only on her terms. It must have been damned hard being an awkward teenager when all that stuff about her dad was coming out. every newspaper she could in the land is bound to have the name Clinton in it at least one to this day.

Oh so Machiavelian though, Bill and Hill. I'm not sure we need any more of that. The mood has changed and old style politics in the US seems less adn less attractive. We want ideas an inspiration and to pull in the same direction. Chelsea seems to get that a bit more than her parents.
On this side of the pond opinion doesn't seem too critical of either Bill or Monica in that little escapade - people are people ... and as such will do what people do. Cigars and all.

I thought Chelsea was named after the Joni Mitchell song 'Chelsea Morning'?

"As a girl who started ballet lessons at the age of four, she must be capable of some wonderful stunts in a leotard"

Now that I would like to see. Presumably it must be on You-tube somewhere.
She does, indeed, appear to have changed for the better over the past few years. :)
You know you've made it when a lackey is sucking you off as you lay back in the hot seat at the top of the highest of the world's towers.

I wonder what was going through the billy goat's mind?
Jahooni: As we're so close on the issues, I'll ask you be my running mate next time I run for office.

Kat: Was I blasphemous then? I have a lot to confess but no one to confess to.

Mr Boyo: Hilldog is Welsh? Well I never. I always assume the ones with the gift of the gab have Welsh blood - Jesse Jackson for example. Jefferson Davis was not a president but a transvestite splitter, as you must know.

Letty: Chelsea has brains, but the Bush twins are more spankable.

Sam: Some American blogger said it's going to be Hussein v McCain this November. But didn't the Iraqis execute Hussein? American politics can be very confusing.

Kitty: They later made up some cock-and-bull story about naming her after a song, but we all know Bill visited Chelsea when he was studying in England.

Freelance: I wish it were on You Tube. Unfortunately, she's too scared of people admiring her body. I blame Bill.

Sidhu: Hasn't she just! I'd love to make her laugh, possibly by tickling her.

Mosha: Getting sucked off properly clears the mind of all thoughts. It's almost as good as meditation.
Ever so refreshing to see a politician's kid making the news for something other than shooting his rival sibling or murdering a raped woman to remove evidence, instead of just giving her a good thorough bath. Or getting the state's police chief to guard his wedding gifts while the family parties*. I forgive her for being smart and squirrelly.

*cultural differences are such delights. Thank you, Anthropological Ape.
Don't you ever get missionaries in the jungle. (Wait! Don't answer that.)
Count me in among those who don't like political dynasties. After all, we spent a decade in the 18th Century getting rid of the aristocrats. I think we got it right the first time.

You silly ape, that chimp was right! It's a little known fact that Charlton Heston (God rest his soul) was named after a certain second division club in South London (although they were third division in those days). It is very fashionable in America to name your children after English football teams, as youngsters Aston Cruise and Spurs Hilton will attest.
Transvestite? Now you've got me.

Strobe Talbot was also Welsh, being one of the non-werewolf Tabots. He was named after the disco lights beneath which he was conceived.
You know i can't quite decide if she's stunning or looks like a horse!

I feel the same about Sarah Jessica Parker and her long face

And i don't know about having the gals bonding in a slumber party where most conversations are about sex. We don't really want a situation where Monica starts talking bout Chelsea's father's...ummm...tool now would we?

Women tend to go into detail bout these things!
She must know the art of working crowds, as much as her daddy and mommy taught her. "Put a smear of vaseline on the teeth and smile big, now wave like this, look like a mannequin so that no one thinks you are better than them, that's it."

We need more flesh pressing and less speechifying if you ask me, because politicians only excel at lying when they open their mouths, might as well put a cigar in their pie holes. I don't think we'll ever see another Clinton or Bush in the White House again. Well there may be another Bush, but let's hope it's been trimmed.

Speaking of trimmed Bush, I wouldn't mind seeing Chelsea's wonderful stunts in a leotard. Maybe Monica can join her. I wouldn't mind seeing that at all.

But you can leave out the famous orang-utan, don't care to see her in one.
Rimi: Did such outrages really occur in India? I am shocked. Perhaps you need a military strongman to deal with these bounders.

Kat: A missionary in the jungle either gets eaten or gets a guilty conscience - sometimes both.

Randall: Yes, it's a good thing J Edgar Hoover didn't have children!

Lady Daphne: I thought it was the football team that named itself after Mr Heston. The chariot scene in Ben Hur inspired their style of play.

Mr Boyo: Mr Davis was said to have disguised himself as a lady to escape the union armies. The golfer Davis Love III has a bit Welshness about him, particularly in his use of the putter.

Sabrina: C'mon, she's much cuter than Sarah Jessica Parker! Monica never mentioned the presidential tool, unlike that dimwit Paula Jones.

Static: I hope Chelsea loosens up and shows us a few moves before her bottom starts sagging. I suspect Monica is a lost cause to gymnastics. But neither would remotely match the performance of a female orang-utan
i always identified with chelsea during the awkward years...we both had horrible teeth growing up. the difference was...only my hometown had to suffer my smile.

i'm glad to see she's come into her own in that regard, but i'd like to see her distinguish herself in something other than politics. her parents are fast becoming a jaded joke.
I wouldnt get too excited Mr B, you know what they say , women eventually turn into their mothers :-)
The tense, I'm afraid, is present continuous. They occur, and with each successive politican's child, they continue to occur.

I try not to complain, though. They keep the newspapers interesting, and therefore, my father out of hair.
If Jeff Davis had thought about it he should have dressed as a lady earlier, and enticed Sherman, Grant et al to a tryst. Then confederated them.

Golf is an inherently un-Welsh activity. The last major act of religious violence in Wales occured at the Dovey golf course in I believe 1931, when locals stoned English golfers for playing on the Sabbath. Wicked!
I always imagined that Miss Clinton might have been named after the Chelsea bun - spicy, tightly rolled and er, full of raisins.
Thanks for the visual Gorilla B. Now every time I see Chelsea I'm going to imagine her on her desk with an intern between her legs.
The slumber party too was foreseen by the prophet: "And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp" (op cit 11:8).
Speaking of genes (as somebody was earlier on) it's sometimes reckoned that Papa Bill Clinton is part Gypsy - via his biological father - just likes I is.

Yeah, Linda Tripp and that lawyer Freddie Starr (or whatever his name was) were more like the villains of the story.
Kara: Well she had a well-paid job in a hedge fund, but her name and face recognition would be a big advantage for a career in public life.

Beast: You forget how sexy Hilldog was when she first exploded on the scene in '92. You don't have a problem with smart women, do you Beast?

Rimi: I hope your generation will put things right. Fathers can be strict, but daughters can usually outwit them.

Mr Boyo: I always wondered why there were no courses in Wales fit for the Open. I wonder what Ian "Woozie" Woosnam has to say about it. Maybe you don't have suitable land in Wales. Golf and sheep don't mix well.

Lord Likely: She would be lucky indeed to have buns like that - although the raisins might be a little off-putting.

Clea: In such a situation, her facial expressions would intrigue me the most.

Ulaca: I'm glad you didn't mention the cockatrice!

Gadjo: Freddie Star?? Your knowledge of vulgar English culture astounds me! Papa Bill's features look too heavy for a gypsy. I think he is a living descendant of the minotaur.
I've always taken the cockatrice to refer to a mythological animal that combined enormous ugliness with the desire to be a man. In other words, Hillary Rodham.
globus always thought chelsea would be worth a poke once old enough, and lo and behold, the great goz clearly agrees :-)

globus always felt that lewinsky was, too, although it's not a great thought having clinton's sloppy seconds.
Im with Sabrina - she has the same effect as SJP where one minute she can look lovely and the next minute very peculiar. That is one very wide smile.

As to Monica, I just felt so sorry for her. To be paraded through the media like that after someone betrays a confidence and then have the fella completely disown you. She must have felt so tawdry. But he was/is such a charmer, you can see why she...

*slaps self and wonders if Bill should be added to the Inexplicable Crushes list*
But which of the two
Would you rather do??
President Chelsea is lying on her desk, sighing deeply with legs akimbo, having been slurped to satisfaction by a floppy-haired intern
that image alone has made me want to shake of my mantle of political apathy and run for orifice, I mean office.
Sir, we have the best uphill golfers in Europe! Woozie has benefited from the Truth and Reconcilition process put in place by the Labour-Plaid national salvation government last year. Wales apologised for being anti-golf, and he apologised for being good at it.
Chelsea has already had a distinguished career outside of politics, her political rallying for her mother or defending her father is only natural at this point.

I would like to see her move forward and become a lecturer about non-partisan action in regards to world affairs in a ballet outfit of course. It only serves to erase the image of her and the floppy haired intern from our minds.
Ulaca: A cockatrice is probably just a well-endowed rooster, there's no need to bring Hilldog into everything.

Globus: I see you have an eye for the ladies. Monica never quite got the full monty from Bill, so she's not spoiled goods.

Mrs Cake: I felt sorry for Monica too. I wish she'd just told those FBI agents to urinate off.

Miss Newbie: If I were human, I would say that a gentleman does not rank his fantasy females.

Emma: I heard of a woman who put up advert on the internet for men to go down on her (and do nothing else). She got loads of offers.

Mr Boyo: The next step is to allow people to sponsor Welsh children by purchasing golf clubs and checked trousers for them. The most promising ones would also get a bodyguard to protect them from queer bashers.

Static: I would like to see Chelsea move forward, backwards and sideways too.
LOL! You are one saucy ape!
Slap over the wrist taken with a sharp sense of guilt and not a little pleasure, Japers. The trouble is, you see, that Rodham has a habit of thrusting *herself* into everything. You can borrow my copy of her autobiography (right up there with Wild Swans for self-promotion under the guise of up-by-the-bootstraps story), but you'll have to scrape off the caked vomit first.
I admire Chelsea. She put up with all of that Monica nonsense and the Press so well. Most kids (including mine) are embarrassed by even the most blamelessly bland parents. How they would have coped with a Dad like Bill hardly bears thinking about.
Oyster sauce. Hmm. How do you know its not cheese-flavoured?
You mean that McCain was wrong back in the ‘90s when he said that Chelsea was so ugly that Janet Reno must have been her father?
Static: It's an act I put on to scare the hyenas.

Ulaca: You really read it? You must be a sucker for platitudes.

Mary: And she still seems to get on fine with her parents. I suspect she is actually quite proud of them.

Panu: I assumed she was avoiding dairy products. She looks like a seafood person to me.

Saintly Nick: He must be eating his words with horseradish sauce.
I remember reading soemthing about how people said she was pretty much the ugly duckling, but she appears to have blossomed into a very pretty lady. Good for her!

Better tell her to beware the Congo though! Hehe :)
Chelsea is pretty, but she still has teeth that could spot a raw carrot at 100 paces. And I am sure she's a much smarter cookie than even you think - she'd avoid politics altogether and probably become the next Martha Stewart. Go Chelsea!
Smart Women Mr B ????
1.She married bill
2.She called her daughter Chelsea

I rest my case.
Miss Naughty: She's be welcome in the Congo, we'd love to see her dance moves!

Mermaid: Her smile actually reminds me of Tiger Woods. I wonder what her golf handicap is?

Beast: Bill was quite a catch when she married him. I think she was prepared to sacrifice fidelity for a political piggyback.
I would have to agree with you about Chelsea growing up quite nicely. All the awkward ones turns out well.
I have never heard of the Chelsea neighborhood before in London. Sounds like my kinda place =P
Though I haven't done much research on Chelsea Clinton, I think she's a lot smarter than those Bush girls. Weren't they known to be crazy party girls? Although Jenna (or Barbara) seems to be doing something productive with their lives recently with their book, or something.
Good Job! :)
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