Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Pamela in Paris

A French tourist excitedly informs me that Pamela Anderson will be performing at Le Crazy Horse, a famous cabaret club in Paris.

“Mr Bananas, you must come! There is no charge for Pamela’s friends! She will be thrilled to see you!”

“Thank you, Gaston, but I imagine she’ll be thrilled enough without me pouting at her from the audience.”

“Are you sure?” he asks. “She will be performing the striptease to the famous Harley Davidson.”

“My oh my!” I exclaim. “A spectacle to dazzle Paris, Gaston. However where Pamela’s body is concerned, that which I have already seen is indelibly etched in my memory; and that which I have not, I am content to leave to my imagination.”

He shrugs his shoulders with a Gallic purse of the lips and leaves me to ponder this remarkable event. I certainly don’t disapprove of Pamela displaying her wares in Paris and marvel at the ingenuity of bringing a Harley Davidson into the act. I hope they start up the engine as she approaches the climax of her exotic gyrations. To have that mighty beast throbbing between her legs should draw attention away from her over-hyped balloons to her under-hyped undercarriage.

The episode of Baywatch in which Pamela first appeared was one that I watched with my friend Smacker Ramrod, the circus vet.

“I wouldn’t mind some of that,” mused Smacker as he stared at the bosomy starlet, then at the peak of her carnal magnetism.

“I’m no expert on these matters, Smacker, but wouldn’t you say that her airbags have been artificially inflated?” I suggested tentatively.

“I know that!” cried Smacker indignantly. “I was looking downstairs! I’d like to tuck into those thighs with mayonnaise and a side salad!”

Ever since that exchange, I have always thought of Pamela as a woman for the leg-and-rump man – a prime example of “white meat on the drumstick”, as the connoisseurs put it.

It's a real pity that Pamela’s acting career didn’t take off after that promising start. I would have cast her as a German slave girl in a sword-and-sandals epic set in ancient Rome. Her character would pine for Butch Hermann, a childhood sweetheart from the Black Forest, presently having his Teutonic torso oiled and scraped in gladiator school. Picture the scene as she is freed by her kindly Roman master to seek out her true love:

“I wish for every Roman a heart like yours!” she says in tearful gratitude.

“And I wish for every Roman matron a bottom like yours!” he replies waggishly.

In the amphitheatre finale, Butch Hermann (the German) would be locked in mortal combat with Fista Lesbia (the emperor’s iron-pumping sister). After an hour of pulsating action, Hermann has Fista at his mercy, his sword primed for the coup de grâce.

“I cannot slay the woman I love!” he bellows. “Let me return to the Black Forest with Fista as my queen, there to renounce the Roman oyster for the German sausage!”

He helps his opponent to her feet and clasps his manly hands on her manly shoulders.

“No!” shrieks Pamela from the Vestal Virgin box. “I am your rightful queen, Hermann! You pledged me your love when I showed you my secret treasure in the glades of Krakstein!”

The crowd gasps and murmurs as Hermann stares wide-eyed at his long lost flame.

“Let us both accompany the valiant Hermann!” cries Fista, gazing at Pamela with tender eyes. “For as we say in the Pinkus Campus, ‘two queens are better than one’!”

The crowd goes wild with joy and the emperor declares three days of orgies.

The absence of roles like this probably explains why Pamela is now straddling motorbikes in Parisian night clubs. It’s a bit of an anticlimax really. The French are certainly inventive at titillation, but the striptease is obviously running out of steam as a sensual art form. There simply isn’t enough mystery left in a woman’s body for nudity to be a thrill anymore. Men might still pay top dollar for novelty acts – like a lady newsreader getting her kit off for the first time – but a woman who has bared all is just another chicken in the meat market. The way forward for the sex goddess is to keep her naughty bits covered and work on her acting skills. Authentic facial expressions and noises are what the voyeurs of tomorrow will be after.

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Pamela in ancient Rome? Wow.
Have you watched her show VIP? It's ridiculously awesome. A guilty pleasure of mine when I was around eleven years old. Great show. She definitely knows how to fight evil.
She certainly is a legend in her own right.
poor pammy. sheesh. that girl's been ridden hard and put up wet too many times.
So you're saying 'Barbedwire' wasn't the greatest movie ever made?
THIS BY FAR was the greatest post ever from "our" Mr. Gorilla Man. I have spent many of nights pondering the idea of what or whom shall we say is the Notorious Mr. Gorilla Man.

And one vision always comes to my mind: Circus Clown NOT but a rather clever English Lad with a very high standard of the next generations of plays and Titty Bar Theatre all in one. On one stage.

Am i close? ;-)
Mr Bananas - Personally I think Pammie's fab and the way she inflates and deflates those boobies of hers is really quite fascinating I find - not that I personally have a boob fetish or anything, but I was just thinking that perhaps mens bobbly bits could perhaps be inflated in the same way with a spot of silicon to stop the inevitable deflation and disappointment! Just a thought!
Meanwhile I see on Reuters that you've been caught with your own side show going down.
Perhaps that little show would also go down well in the Crazy Horse as a side billing to Pammie?
who is that brunette in the photograph?
Mr Bananas, I urge you to collaborate with your thespian friends, to make the “sand-and-sandals” epic set in ancient Rome ... it sounds splendid. Such a shame that the late, great Frankie Howerd isn't still with us, as surely he'd be the perfect vehicle for such a production?

My gut feeling is that this won't be the first time Pammy has felt a large powerful machine between her legs, though perhaps there wasn't a paying audience on any previous occasion(s)? :-) x
Secret Agent: I wish I had seen it. She must have been impressive with a gun in her hand.

Qelqoth: Yes, and it's about time the critics gave her bum some credit as well.

Liv: I think she needs a girlfriend like you, Liv. You girls would look great together.

Kyknoord: I'll get it on DVD on your recommendation. The name 'Barb Wire Kopetsi' might be the best thing about that movie.

Jahooni: Well thanks, Dollface, think about me all night long if you want. I'm a very hairy English lad who was born in the Congo. You'll have to e-mail me if you want to know more.

Mzungu Chick: Ah, Miss Chick, why would a man need an artificial stiffener with you? With the right encouragement and hip movements, you'd get full satisfaction every time.

Nursemyra: I wish I knew. Here is the source.

Kitty: Wasn't Frankie great? I thought of him as a fishwife in a man's body. Did you know he was a school chum of Daphne Wayne-Bough's uncle? He could have played several parts in that movie.
In my personal investigations into the life of Pammy I have concluded - quite obviously - that she goes for a certain type of male, namely that of someone who appears - or is prepared to appear - in the visual medium engaged in sexual shenanigans or taboo tomfoolery.

Having further witnessed recently what I believe to be this blog's primate patriarch indulging in lascivious activities, observed and rated (highly) by Sir David Attenborough, and knowing Miss Anderson's tendency towards quantity of relationships over quality I conclude it is only a matter of time before the two become an item.

This should facilitate the production of this epic quite nicely, I should think.
Heh, that was marvellous!

What do lady gorillas do to increase their allure?
No wonder California has almost run out of water. The number of Saline Boob augmentations that have been done by Pamela Anderson over the years.

Must have caused a major impact on the water table in that State.
. . .with mayonnaise and a side salad!

I'd always heard the English had a strange, if somewhat pedestrian, cuisine.

I've 'ad 'er, despite being on my own at the time.
I think this might be your best post ever, Nanas. The romance in your soul is matched only incisive social commentary and eye for a good undercarriage.
At the risk of being spanked by you Gorilla, may I humbly suggest that the reason Pammie's acting career never took off may have less to do with the roles she was offered and more to do with the fact that her acting abilities amount to little more than being able to run on a beach while showing off her two inflatables?
Mark: Male gorillas only lust after females of their own species and Davy Attenborough would never be a sneak. That said, I'd be honoured to be linked to Pammy in any manner falling short of actual physical coupling.

Louche: Thank you, Sir! All that female gorillas need do to be irresistible is go into oestrus.

Tarf: Salty boobs are surely an acquired taste.

Randall: Do American men prefer barbecue sauce on their white meat?

Obolu: You're certainly not the only one who has made love to Pamela in that fashion.

Sam: Really Sam? I'm trying to remember how I prepared myself for writing it. I may have taken some ginseng.

Emma: You're always at risk of being spanked by me, Emma. As for Pamela's acting skills, it's all a question of giving her roles that play to her strengths.
When she performs topless at the Crazy Horse, she better do a solo act or she'll knock everyone's eyes off with those inflatables.
I like Pamela Anderson, thats all I have to say about that.
Ms. Anderson's artificially inflated funbags must have been damned useful in Baywatch, giving her extra buoyancy in the water.

I certainly feel buoyant whenever I clasp my eyes upon them.
> There simply isn’t enough mystery left in a woman’s body for nudity to be a thrill anymore
*Slow nod* Good point, gorilla....

> that which I have already seen is indelibly etched in my memory; and that which I have not, I am content to leave to my imagination.”
OHh.... that's a classic statement! :-)
Numerous marriages, sex video and questionable acting skills aside, it can't be denied that this woman is totally gorgeous and absolutely HOT!!!!

Without a doubt every women's fantasy (straight or gay) for their first-time lesbian encounter!
Mr Bananas , I have long been a fan of the pnuematic Miss Anderson , how could anyone who has seen her inventive form of 'method' acting.Take Barbed Wire the sheer talent involved in licking ones lip gloss , a little hair flicking for added character depth and snarlinging 'Dont Call Me Babe' in a pointy brassier ever doubt her acting talent.
The woman is a goddess.
Ooh, what I've missed, largely neglecting TV for the past 20 years. Sometimes, I could kick myself for missing out on good stuff. Sometimes, I can't get over my good sense. This is one of the latter times.

From the looks of her, the only people she is unlikely to appeal to are sapiosexuals.
I'm with kyknoord on Barb Wire. It's the film Casablanca might have been.

I fear the next step for Pammy will be those East European lesbians-in-prison numbers that Brigitte Nielsen ended up in.

What am I saying "fear"? Bring it!
I dare say she'll be doing a new take on the classic Serge Gainsbourg number written for Brigitte Bardot.

Your sub-Up Pompeii script is not likely to tempt Russell Crowe back into a mini-skirt, I fear. In Pamela's place I'd take the Crazy Horse gig and the possibility of the starring role in a film about La Bardot.
Clea: I just hope they don't spring a leak. Apparently she breast fed her baby.

Sarcasticnugget: Good for you! She's a good-hearted girl.

Lord Likely: I would have Pamela's fun bags were a bit on the small side for you, m'Lud.

Eve: Thanks Eve. I always rely on you to tell me what the best bits were!

Sabrina: I think you'd turn her on as much as she excites you.

Beast: She has no need to act, Beast, she's fascinating enough playing herself.

Mary: There are always a few gems amid the dross. Baywatch worked as a show because no one expected more than eye candy from it.

Mr Boyo: The classic East European lesbian was surely the steriod-pumped track althlete from the GDR. They had great names like 'Kratochvilova' as well. Pammy would need all her charm to dissuade them from doing the nasty stuff on her.

Lady Daphne: The main innovation will be taking off her clothes during the music. I'm not sure Pammy still has the face to play a young Brigitte and her bust is overqualified for the role.
There isn't enough mystery, you're not wrong there. You probably aren't even interested in seeing my third bosom.
mr. bananas: are you saying i look a bit tired out and with plastic boobs?
because i assure you that the 30, single, and flexible goodness is 100% natural here.
i know a woman who's name is pamela anderson but she is a short fat black lady...puts it in perspective i guess...
Womens bodies remain mysterious tome Mr Bananas! Where do you stand on Britains answer to Pammy, namely the eponymous Jordan?
I think there's something a bit pathetic about old broads, past their prime, still doing stripteases. If I were Pam, I'd hop on my Harley and ride off into the sunset.
Joanne: Which pair is a man supposed to put his head between?

Liv: I'm saying you're gorgeous enough to turn Pammy on and make her plastic nipples hard.

Daisy: Well at least no one will mistake her for her namesake.

Mutley: Pamela is a cut above Jordan, who is a crude tit-flasher.

Madam: I hope she's still got enough sexiness for a final bravura flourish.
lord, have mercy. that was such 2nd date conversation, mr. bananas.
Mr Bananas , that was a bit harsh on the lovely Jordan , who by all accounts is a nice woman behind the crude tit flashing , which is after all her chosen proffesion. Its a harsh job , but someones got to do it
Someone told me a few years ago that Pam got a breast reduction. Hmmm.
As per usual, Gorilla, some perceptive and persuasive stuff, not to mention, downright hilarious visions conjured.
Being a Canadian, I am less than proud of our overendowed (albeit artificially)little beaver. We remember her fondly as the Tool Time assistant on "Home Improvement", but her greatest downfall - aside from her Liz Tayloresque marriage track record - had to be her hosting of Canada's answer to The Grammy Awards: The Junos. Let's just say it was embarrassing to be a Canadian, a woman and a music fan on that night.

I've created a little homegrown meme, GB. I'm tagging you, as I'm keenly interested in your valuable input.
I heard that she recently got implants on her butt cheeks. They too come with a nice set of nipples.
Never mind Pammy, GB, who's the excited young lady at the bottom of your post, and why can't she wear her watch properly?
“I wouldn’t mind some of that,” mused Smacker as he stared at the bosomy starlet, then at the peak of her carnal magnetism

Well Ive never heard it called that before but what a delightful euphemism.

Cake goes off to check out her own peak.
Liv: I'll work on improving it for our 3rd date.

Beast: You are right, Beast, I apologise to Jordan. I'm sure she's a big-hearted women who acts from the best motives.

Saintly Nick: A reduction from super huge to huge would reduce back strain. I think that's what Dolly Parton did.

Poetikat: Presenting award shows requires ad-libbing, which isn't in Pammy's repertoire.

Beenzzz: Her butt cheeks were fine without nipples. I don't know who puts these ideas into her head.

Mr Boyo: It would be all too easy to make up a silly name like Orgasma Desire, so I won't bother. Even watching women in ecstasy gets boring after a while.

Mrs Cake: You're not feeling peaky are you? Or do your peaks just need feeling?
But, as an over-sized monkey, why would you be 'watching women in ecstasy'?
White meat on the drumstick, eh?

Strangely eloquent.

Pammy always did have special allure, especially since I was locked ina permanent struggle with puberty when she burst onto the scene. She made things no easier.

Your idea for having her cast in a sword and sandals epic is rather a good one. Like a modern day Raquelle Welch.
Goth: For the same reason Sir David Attenborough watches animals mate. Did you forget I was an anthropologist? Now run along like a good boy and play in your own sandpit.

Mosha: I'm sure you weren't the only pubescent boy to wrestle with fantasies of Pammy. Raquelle Welch is a very apt comparison, although perhaps her acting skills were superior.
You have such an active imagination! Hmm now I'm sort of hungry for German sausage...
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